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Basically I don't know how to continue living when everyday my mind is filled with self destructive beliefs, disturbing images of how I should kill myself, and endless thoughts of pain, destruction, suffering, and any other word to describe making me feel less then human, to deserve the pain I endure. Constantly I see in my head different ways of me dying because I want to. I've tried multiple times and never did it work. I'm bi polar 1 and have been dealing with this for 10 years now. After dealing with it for so long you begin to doubt the possibility of change. No matter what I do I'm left with myself, and that in itself is torture. How do you live a normal life when everyday you wake up to immense pain, and intense sadness, meaninglessness, pointlessness. When you want to peel your own skin off because of how much you hate yourself. Inflicting pain on myself isn't sufficient anymore. I need something to make me feel like I got the punishment I deserved. I'm a horrible human being with rage that leads to reckless behavior and damage. I despise myself and I don't see how that's ever going to change. How do you live something that constantly hurts others, and destroys. I hate how reactive I am, /!: how fucking rude I am when I get that way. Combine self hatred with no purpose or meaning, and lack of will to do anything, it just makes every fucking day unbearable. I'm lost and I don't know what to do anymore. 219 days of intensive therapy and a year after that of one on one with DBT courses. I get the info, I get the tools, and the perspectives to gain for some type of liberation, but I don't feel them nor do I have the will to try. I force it for now but I feel like I'm running out of time.
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>>18038052
On the same boat
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Borderline here
Don't expect the disease to go away. Look at new ways of dealing with it. You won't "change," but you can win this fight and live a better life. You just have to stay motivated and intelligent...even when your mind is against you. There are remedies to these woes and measures you can take to have a better existence.
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>>18038089
I'm not the OP but thanks for your reply
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>>18038052
Hmmm, if you feel like your life isn't going anywhere and are inherently a bad person then I can kind of understand why you would feel that way but you shouldn't just give up on yourself anon if you're still breathing. If you feel lonely and need to talk to someone speak to a shrink and maybe they can give you some advice on how to change your way of thinking. Your attitude toward yourself and life in general can affect you in ways you wouldn't think possible. Talk to someone if you have to OP.
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>>18038052
sounds like you have monkey mind
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GLjelIPg3ys
please watch, short vid
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>>18038176
http://marc.ucla.edu/mindful-meditations
free guided meditation
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Embrace it.
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>>18038052
listen to the Joe rogan experience..
maybe all you need is a good distraction, travel or something.
Thread posts: 9
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