Am I done?

why do you need this guy for a comfort if he is bad for your confidence?
also, the cheating part is of course hard to handle; but there are millions of people who have this kind of thing happening to them. the only way to start it all over is to stop seeing you a victim and work on your confidence. at least, this is what works for me.

>>18032126
What's wrong with being single just don't collect more than one cat and youll be good, anyway id go on date with you if you lived in Canada

>>18032126
>I met someone for comfort but he is total bully in bedroom and I feel degraded
You sound like a dumb hoe. Are you blonde?

>>18032186
It was better than being alone, now I don't know how to make him leave he can be quite dominating person. I was not clear minded when we met. I can't talk about it to anyone because they think I'm crazy or stupid and no one would understand. I admit it was a big mistake.
It takes time to recover but still after two years it feels like hell so I don't know what I'm doing wrong where others excel.
>>18032203
Maybe you're not familiar where I'm coming from. There's lot of pressure about marriage and I'm way beyond 30 yrs. I'm from a good family and the only daughter so they must feel ashamed.
>>18032213
Thanks for comfort...

>>18032240
Fuck them if they feel ashamed. Unless you are a bad person, there's no reason for shame.

I like to do things that can be construed to humiliation in bed, but it's only with the girls consent AND if they get off on it. Just break it off, find someone else. Men are way easier to find than women.

You should be treated with respect, even if you are literally being to be ass fucked.

>>18032126
>it's very difficult to find someone without extra baggage

That's just the nature of dating period past -- and I'm being generous here -- 25 or so. People have a history of some kind by then and it's something that will come with the package.

I mean, look at you. You're a divorcee (no offense). You're like the definition of "extra baggage."

>>18032240
You're welcome, princess. :)
I like dumb hoes and I'd treat you right.

>>18032252
If you haven't married by age of 30 then you have failed in the eyes of our society. It's difficult to carry that burden and try to ignore it.
I have got enough mental damage but it's very difficult to call it off when face to face.

>>18032264
No offense taken. Yeah, it's true I know that. Marked with "extra baggage" for life...

I find it annoying that I have to pay for the price that my ex did something wrong and he left. Other men think there's something wrong with me and I could never talk about the current 'relationship' after the divorce.

I was romantic by heart. Was...

>>18032298
And was there a reason for him cheating?

>>18032240
tell him you want things to end. there is no other way but to be straight about this. im not sure about you, but i think being alone is healthier than handling a person who makes you feel miserable.
after 2 years is normal to feel this way, but since it feels like hell for you, something unhealthy happens around you.. i also know that feeling, since im early 30s and thought i would have children with my ex, but it went the other way and also ended with cheating from her side.
as i said, the most important part is to gain confidence and stop letting feel yourself as victim. your negative thinking is coming from the pressure to meet someone again and marry him. also, being alone can make this feeling even worse. but you need to apologize him and yourself and accept thing as they are. look for someone different and with whom you can be happy. dont look for a person to make you happy, you will get disappointed.
i think you look very beautiful and your problem is your attitude and and not your age or looks.

>>18032298
The stigma is, indeed, unfair, but as I'm sure you can appreciate, the suspicion is warranted. It's not unreasonable to wonder if it's worth starting a relationship with someone when they're not all that far removed from the dissolution of a relationship they expected to last the rest of their lives. How do you know if they're REALLY over it (at least, as "over it" as you can be)? That and you just don't know if it failed because they simply aren't relationship material.

I think you'll do yourself a huge favor in openly and calmly disclosing the circumstances of the divorce so any prospective suitors don't have to start wondering. A simple "I've been married before. My husband was unfaithful so obviously it didn't work out. It's in the past and I'm just looking for a healthier relationship now," would quell any concerns I'd have at least.

Please show us your breasts.

>>18032213
You sound like a waste of a human, better off as long pork for some tribe in New Guinea

>>18032320
Another woman, probably better than me since he left.
>>18032326
I get comfort from him but then he destroy everything in the bedroom. I don't really get it. From outside he looks very nice guy and he can be great when he feels like it. So there's ups and downs but in the long run I just feel it's a game to see when I finally break down.

I'm not looking for someone to make me happy or in a rush to marry. I want normal progress and if things work out then things work out. But years pass by... difficult to gain confidence about myself or look optimistic. I used to be very optimistic and cheerful, need to get rid of this shadow somehow.

>>18032320
There's no excuse for cheating m8

>>18032367
I think you're beautiful. Just try to find happiness in life as a single person and bring that happiness with you when dating, that's the best way really

>>18032367
No shit! What I'm asking for is what lacked in your marriage
>>18032368
No. Shit.

>Am I done?

Not if you're asking the question, no. You'll be done when you can't ask the question anymore.

Just leave the guy you're with, close your door, or get a restraining order. Whatever you gotta do.

Work on yourself. Peace of mind has value.

>>18032126
Get a dog if you feel alone. Your self respect isn't worth being treated like a whore.

>>18032379
>No. Shit.

Then why the fuck are you asking what the reason for him cheating was if you agree that it doesn't matter why it happened?

>>18032240
>>18032361
I like intellectual domination, is this a crime?

Are you a self hating Asian woman? You have divorced a white guy or he you? Big fucking surprise. You deserve to be treated like shit for whoring. You have absolutely no control here. Never once have you considered your hypergamic drive. Don't fucking come to 4chan and beg for mercy. Please don't fucking produce Elliott Rodgers tier hapa children.

>>18032335
I like how you think about dealing with the prospective suitors, the words in quotations there sound like candy to me. Maybe I can say that in future. And I would like to think I'm so-called relationship material (I can be wrong). I took care of household errands, cooked dinner etc. I didn't push for making babies or anything psycho like that and gave enough space. Too much space in fact I guess. But I think I was pretty fair...

Nowadays I look like shit and people can probably read it from my face.

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>>18032390
Because every fucker who cheats simply wakes up one day and thinks to himself: HEY, I WANNA CHEAT TODAY JUST BECAUE I FEEL LIKE IT!

>>18032385
This is bad advice. She could get a female dog.
A male dog would be changing one dog (guy) for another.

>>18032406
Plus the leg-humping won't help with the coping process

>>18032383
Easier said than done.
But I appreciate your opinion and point you make.
>>18032385
I'm not sure if I can handle a dog but it's something I will consider.
>>18032392
Haha.... Don't...
>>18032396
It was a mutual decision.

>>18032402
>>18032402
Fucking retard. I see I'm going to have to spell this out for you. Pay close attention.

Why he did it doesn't matter. Cheating in a marriage is never an appropriate course of action so there's no point asking for the reasons as to why he cheated. When you ask "And was there a reason for him cheating?" you imply that there is potentially some explanation for it that needs to be considered, and there isn't.

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>>18032396

>>18032431
wew lad

>>18032398
You sound, at the very least, reasonable. I'm guessing you have more traditional values and relationship expectations.

Tell me if I'm wrong: was marriage a lifelong goal for you? Something you'd been hoping for and consciously cultivating yourself for most of your life (i.e. actively aiming to be a quality wife someday)?

>>18032367
did you talked to him about the bedroom thing? if yes, its time to part your ways.
and it seems you are clearly seeing your problems and im sure you will get little help in here.. but as you said, you need to get rid of this shadow. maybe do something new and different? in my case dancing helped. its salsa and totally gay .. but still i feel better after this.
oh and by the way, what also helped me to get rid of feeling miserable is to reflect on other people lifes. there was this girl that was cheated and left by her husband when she got "unhealthy" child, which she has to care of now all the time. you see, there are people who have it much harder; and for me it is like as if i dont have the right to be sad after what happened to me. its not like i feel better since this girl has very hard time, but it makes me realize how nothing special and small my problems are.
anyway, i wish you good luck.

>>18032442
Yeah "wew" is right, he just had to explain in detail one of the more simplistic facets of communication especially online like this

>>18032126
>he is total bully in bedroom

What does that mean? What does he do?

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>>18032494
>cheating is communication

It's funny how some people dread the thought of being married while others feel like their life is incomplete without it. Sometimes you get so obsessed with one thing that your whole happiness seem to revolve around it. It's ridiculous, really, no matter what that thing is. It's understandable though, if you were raised with this idea that your purpose is to get married and have kids and society kept reinforcing it. But it's still pointless and counter-productive, really. There are millions of other people in your situation who are perfectly happy, it's not because you're over 30 and unmarried that makes you unhappy, it's your perspective.

I'm not telling you that you shouldn't look for a partner, I'm telling you that you should try to learn in the present. This means that your thoughts shouldn't be consistently focus on the future, the past or your current situation compared with others. This is almost always the reason for anxiety and that deep dissatisfaction you're feeling. Right now you're living life on auto-pilot. You remember the past, regret your mistakes and misfortunes. You imagine a potential future, which more often than not is a worst-kind-scenario kind of thing. You think about your wishes and goals and how you crave them, but can't reach them. You obsess over the things you "should" have but do not. And so you fall in a spiral of depression, self pity and desolation. See, it's not really the state of your life or some events that are affecting your mood, it's the way you see them. It's your thoughts that make you feel like "you're done", not your situation. That voice inside your head that keeps telling you "you're going to die alone" and whatnot. You must learn how to identify it and recognize it for what it is - passing thoughts. Because if you leave it running wild it will keep causing you grief.

(cont)

>>18032548
Have you ever heard the term "thinking about thinking"? We can "see" our own thoughts and we can decide what to do with them. We can follow them and "build on them". We can reject them and try to ignore them. We can meet them with apathy, put them in the background and "space out". Or we can acknowledge them, be aware of them without having them influence us. It's an incredible ability that we, humans, have, but so few of us actually use it.

Imagine your thoughts being a river. Your conscience is usually right in the middle of it and thoughts keep "floating" through it. The current pushes you into a certain direction, thoughts keep making feel different things, wanting different things, fantasizing about different things and so on. You can't control your thoughts any more than you can control the flow of a river, but you can get out of the river. You can look at it from outside. You can be aware of your thoughts and not be affected by them. The first step is simply to be aware of this. That you don't have to follow what your thoughts, sensations and feelings dictate. It's obviously not easy and it takes time to be able to do it consistently, but with enough practice you'll be able to detach from negative thoughts and feelings. Whenever you feel sad, or lonely, or anxious about the future or whatever remember that it's only a thought, that it doesn't have to influence you and try to look at it "from outside". There are mental exercises that will help you with it, like the river thing. Or you can see the thought as wind, and see yourself as a mountain that can't be affected by the wind. The wind comes, touches the mountain and keeps going, while the mountain stays put. I know it sounds silly, but that's how the mind works, through learned metaphors.

My god, that was an pointless rant. I hope you get something out of it though.

>>18032240
Im also an only child and i'm 29 and never had a gf. Probably never going to have any children. Such is life.

This is how population shrinkage happens.

I find you attractive and would date you if given the chance.

t.21 year old college student.

>>18032461
I have normal values/expectations with little bit leaning towards traditional side.
You make it sound like I'm obsessed with marriage. That's not true but when you share your life with someone marriage is the best and logical outcome for me at least. I wanted to be a 'quality wife' so he would be happy and so on.
>>18032464
There's always someone who's doing worse than you. Doesn't really help with building confidence. I sound very selfish now. But I should definitely find something new and different. I have no idea what it could be.

>>18032298
Here's how to avoid making your baggage being an issue: don't talk about it. You do have kids so that's harder to conceal but one of the biggest turn offs for me is when women talk about an ex lover as if he's the greatest and only man to have ever lived, but he's also an asshole because you broke up.

>>18032599
Sorry I might've misread, you said family so I assumed kids but if that's not the case it's even better.

Like I said, no mention of exes, no mentions of past relationships. If he asks be honest but you don't want to start talking about that, because that gets you thinking about it and kills the mood. No many wants to feel like he's just coming up behind the love of your life and getting your sloppy seconds, and that's how we feel if you talk about your ex and miss him all the time.

>>18032497
I would rather not talk about it here.
>>18032548
>>18032556
Please someone turn off my auto-pilot...

I'm not obsessed with marriage (repeating myself now...). Look at it this way. I'll be 40 next year and most of my friends are around the same age. We go often have dinner together (I have skipped many times last few years since the incident), share stuff in FB and so on... 95% (just throwing the number from my head) of them are in relationship and have families etc. I find myself always as the only one who's alone. It gets quite depressing sometimes. Maybe I'm overreacting?

Thanks for your comments anyway.
>>18032568
I guess we help with global overpopulation problem.
>>18032589
You're so young... Bright future ahead.
Please try to finish your studies with style and good luck with your future career when the time is right!

>>18032203
>wanting divorce pussy with emotional baggage of her own.

>>18032642
Having fun?

>>18032599
>>18032620
At least I don't miss my ex.
Would not give sloppy seconds to my new partner.

Set some goals. It doesn't have to be "get a nice guy". Do you exercise? You look like you're in good shape, but if you're not jogging or something like that I'd encourage you to do so, you'll feel a lot better. Try to find some hobbies. You need a good health to stand on to do other things in life. I'd say you should put distance between yourself and that man you're with if it is making you unhappy. You won't find happiness until that is done.

Your life isn't over. You look very good and you have a great shot at meeting someone you'd find both attractive and nice. You know how chance works, right? The more you do something, the more likely you are to achieve what you're seeking. Sometimes it's all about chance and you have to get back on that horse, even if it hurts both mentally and emotionally every time.

>>18032699
Amen!

>>18032699
Seeing how you want her to know this, do you think there is a way to tell her this in a constructive way? This is /adv/.

Rule #3 of /adv/ is "All threads are expected to be constructive in nature; BAWWWing and venting is discouraged."

>>18032726
>Seeing how you want her to know this

That advice was directed at the white knights and I said it the way I intended to.

Good try though.

>>18032737
The way you structured your sentence and looking at the content of your text, you were venting -- not giving advice.

I advice you to create a more constructive text towards the OP or leave this thread.

>>18032693
Well, to be honest, I'm not exercising. I used to do that when I was younger. I always feel it's good idea but when I come home from work I just fall into coma and drink instead and when I realize the following day what I have done it makes me upset at myself. Would like to try some new active hobbies but I probably suck at everything.

>>18032747
No.

>>18032747
/adv/ police, lol

and since when /adv/ had rules?

>>18032754
I find that a good way of preventing yourself from repeating every day and every week is to make a journal/diary. Set some goals, make a tidy list of them in whatever fashion suits you, then make an entry every day to make sure that you are following the path towards that goal. If I may, I would suggest jogging 3 days a week, 20-30 minutes. If that seems like a lot, try 10 minutes. The point of it isn't to get skinny or healthy right now, it's for you to get out and feel that you get energy back from the exercise -- and trust me, you will. It's a misconception that you lose energy by exercising. And everyone sucks at everything they haven't tried. We get better by practicing. You're allowed to suck. The sooner you start the sooner you'll become better at it. Don't compare yourself to others, that's a very dangerous and destructive way to think. Keep your eyes on your goal(s) and nothing else.

>>18032766
Need to make super simple goals since failing is not good. I want to have energy to do something productive. Always making excuses instead...
And yeah, comparing is the worst. It's easy to write here "not to do this" and "not to think of that" and so on. Same with telling this guy enough is enough, feels like a nightmare I never get enough confidence to tell him and I'm afraid he might get aggressive if I tell him how I feel.

>>18032799
That's a good attitude, there's nothing wrong with super simple. Just try it out for 3 weeks and see if you feel better, if not you can quit and try something else, but I think you'll feel better so I'd give it a shot if I were you.

I'm sorry to hear that you get that feeling about that situation, when it comes to things like that I have no idea what to do. Probably because I'm young and not a woman. Maybe you could take him out to a café, and sit down there and have a talk? He wouldn't be able to do anything in public, and if you still felt threatened by him after that you should immediately talk with the authorities. I'm unfamiliar with the length they could go to to help you but I have some confidence in saying that they could, if things would go bad doing what I instructed. I get if it's more of a mental obstacle though, but you have to do really challenging and tough things sometimes. For your own well-being.

>>18032820
It's more of a mental obstacle. But thanks anyway.

I'm getting little bit tired and have to try to get some sleep. I'm checking the thread again on morning to read feedback or if anyone has some questions or comments to reply.

>>18032857
Do it for yourself, don't let him take time away from your life.