BDSM

Break up and move on

>>18017397
>Says since shes jewish she must watch and tell the story of her history
This girl LOVES drama. If everything is going well in her life, she will invent conflict out of thin air. Some people are just like this. If my experiences are any indication, she won't get better, these incidents will just keep piling up as the relationship goes on.

I've got my own doubts/anxiety about Trump, that's a separate issue, I'm referring to the way she's trying to make it all about her.

>>18017414
> I'm referring to the way she's trying to make it all about her.

She claims since she lives in the world, aka us. It is about her, and how trump is doing terrible things....etc

>>18017401
Added note, we dont want to break up.
I want to make it work, and just to be clear she wasnt all like this before trump got into office....its been getting worse since then.

>>18017417
Come on though, you know what I mean. It sounds like part of her is HOPING things will go really bad with Trump, just so she can be involved in an exciting, dramatic time in history.

Lots of people have misgivings about Trump without saying shit like "I must tell my story to my children!!!"

>>18017414
Heres an example, last night we where heading to a event. I asked if she heard about the riots on the 2nd, she claimed that I needed a osurce to talk to her about it. She then went onto say, they are not rioters, they are planted rioters and not the real protesters from (area) as she has been there before. Even after showing her footage of people getting beat with metal poles, she still thinsk no left people would do that. However since she was driving, she decided it be a good idea to take the wrong turn, pull into a random parking lot at 8pm at night in freezing weather, and walk around it to waste time making us 45 mins late. When I expressed I was frusted and cursed, she said everytime i did it she add 5 mins. She said later it was to make a point that she doesnt want to be trapped in the car with me when she doesnt want to talk about a subject, but its hurting me badly as we planned to go to the event togetehr and its been ages sicne we last went.

>>18017426
I think part of is is trump, the other half us not going out like we used to....due to work, family etc. But I dont know how to refill this hole i dug...i only know how to keep digging....she says if i keep not listening to her that she will make more limits....which sadens me as we dont do copral punishment, and she has been loosy goosy about it until last night. Shes a social butterfly, she needs to be social with epople at these events, im a fucking shutin so i dont mind much but wanted to go to see her happy. I just dont know how to make it up to her now.

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>>18017426
I cried, i am so fucking happy with ehr 95% of the time, and i feel like im somehow fucking up my chance at happiness. I dont think i can undo whatever damage ives done....i figrued a month media blackout who take us back to the time before trump so she be lessed stressed and i wouldnt be at the end of the rope, but she refuses to do it due to how she was raised...and when i try to convince her she says i dont understand her and didnt listen to her. I did listen i just dont agree with it, but i know no other way to help our realtionship. I cant talk to normies about this, as nobody would understand....she hasnt beaten me in weeks, and when she does we oth enjoy it, but since the trump drama we have been going out less, and ive gotten less beatnings (which she enjoys, hence why i do it when she wants it). I cant talk to normal people about it, i have nobody to tlak to, all our kink friends know her and i dont wanan outt her business.

I worry about you, anon. Sometimes people draw to being Dominants because they are unstable and out of control- So they feel better if they can control another human being.
Something to remember is that you are an INDIVIDUAL. And regardless of your BDSM, you two are equals. It's fun to play around with these things, but you two should respect each other, and respect each other's opinions. She doesn't get to control you when you're not in the bedroom.

I know it's thrilling to think of a 24/7 D/s relationship. I know it's a turn on. I know your dynamic feels like you're already there. But it would ONLY work if both people are hell bent on respecting the other and making sure the other is happy.

A good Domme is thrilled to make her sub happy by being Dominant. That good Domme will be taken aback and stop if she sees that her sub is made unhappy by her being Dominant.

Right now it sounds like she is prioritizing her power trip of being Dominant over the shared enjoyment of both of you. That is not a good Domme.

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>>18017477
> Sometimes people draw to being Dominants because they are unstable and out of control- So they feel better if they can control another human being.
Something to remember is that you are an INDIVIDUAL. And regardless of your BDSM, you two are equals.

But anon, she treats me as an equal. We have an honest, trusting realtionship. She has always treated me right when it comes to us being equals and has never really abused me.

> She doesn't get to control you when you're not in the bedroom.

She does...we dont just do it in the bedroom, I am her submissive outside the bedroom as well.

Ive been in relationships like you mentioned, but i assure you, this isnt one of them.

>>18017422
Well this is totally not projection.

>>18017429
This is why you keep the Dom sub stuff as preplanned scenes inside the bedroom and don't make it the focus of the relationship. Because then you end up with an unequal situation where she doesn't respect you and thinks that you like her not respecting you. She probably thought you enjoyed her being a controlling bitch to you for no reason because she was being dominant.

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>>18017422
Shes really not. Shes worried, but feels being ignorant to the news wont help anything but harm us. On my side, i know someone who had gotten to cauught up in the news (9/11), and was stressed out about it. I know the dangers but she says she isnt that person, but im seeing hints of it. I'm just worried

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>>18017508
> This is why you keep the Dom sub stuff as preplanned scenes inside the bedroom and don't make it the focus of the relationship.

The focus of our realtionship is each other, I just happen to be her submissive.

> Because then you end up with an unequal situation where she doesn't respect you and thinks that you like her not respecting you.
Not true, she respects me a lot, just I know when shes had a long day and is stressed out by the news.

> She probably thought you enjoyed her being a controlling bitch to you for no reason because she was being dominant.

Thats not being dominant. I submit to her by choice, she knows that better then anyone. She really isnt like what you are implying.

>>18017489
It sounds like you've had worse relationships, and so you're saying that because she's not as bad as those people, she's not bad? That sounds like the BDSM version of "She might be cruel verbally but at least she doesn't physically abuse me" Just because it has been worse doesn't mean this isn't bad. That doesn't mean that this is okay. That doesn't mean that you deserve this. You don't deserve this.


>She does...we dont just do it in the bedroom, I am her submissive outside the bedroom as well.
>expressed I was frusted and cursed, she said everytime i did it she add 5 mins. She said later it was to make a point that she doesnt want to be trapped in the car with me when she doesnt want to talk about a subject
OP this is NOT okay. This is supposed to be a fun thing for both of you. This is obviously not fun for you any more. She should be noticing that and respecting that.

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>>18017521
> It sounds like you've had worse relationships, and so you're saying that because she's not as bad as those people, she's not bad?

No, I am saying Ive had bad realtionships in the past, and I know this isnt one of them. She respects me, protects me, and cares about me. I can see that.

> OP this is NOT okay. This is supposed to be a fun thing for both of you. This is obviously not fun for you any more. She should be noticing that and respecting that.

She mentioned before she thinks I should break up if im not happy with her, but 95% of the time we are happy. Its just the trump drama stressing her out, we both have our issues and we both know that, but we both want it to work.

>>18017519
Will you stop making excuses for her shitty behavior? Why did you even make this thread?

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>>18017535
I'm not making excuses in that post, I am posting whats acutally happening vs what you are assuming. Just so the subject can be clear, and people dont post based off you incorrect assumptions.

> Why did you even make this thread?

She said I should have a friend to talk about this, normies wouldnt understand, kink friends would know its her so i cant, so here I am posting on 4chan sicne im a bit of an anti social shutin. Does that make sense to you anon?

>>18017533
>we both want it to work
Literally in the previous sentence she told you to break up with her if you were unhappy. She doesn't care about changing to save this relationship. She doesn't even care if this relationship continues.

>>18017533
>She mentioned before she thinks I should break up if im not happy with her, but 95% of the time we are happy.
OP, that's not how this works. She's supposed to make an effort to make you happy. She's basically saying, "Suck it up, I can do what I want. Deal with it." There is supposed to be compromise in any relationship, especially kink ones.

I agree with this anon >>18017546

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>>18017546
> Literally in the previous sentence she told you to break up with her if you were unhappy. She doesn't care about changing to save this relationship. She doesn't even care if this relationship continues.

She said that when she was upset, and wanted the best for me, she put herself down to do that, she does want me to stay, we talked about it afterwords.

>>18017552
> She's supposed to make an effort to make you happy. She's basically saying, "Suck it up, I can do what I want. Deal with it." There is supposed to be compromise in any relationship, especially kink ones.

No, the 5% of the time im not happy its when i push a button or piss her off in someway....she comes home stressed and tired and me saying the wrong thing upsets her, if anything i can understand that as i know people have short fuses when stressed out.

>>18017560
>No, the 5% of the time im not happy its when i push a button or piss her off in someway..
You're blaming yourself here. It's not your fault. We love to call people out on their bad behavior here. But you haven't done anything wrong. She is overreacting. You can't do that in response to being annoyed. Just because she has a reason to doesn't mean it's an excuse.
Why isn't she making more of an effort to work on her short fuse? Why isn't she apologizing? She's basically saying, "It's YOUR fault that I act this way." Everyone is responsible for their own behavior. It's HER fault that she acts the way she does. She should be taking responsibility for her actions.

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>>18017580
> Why isn't she making more of an effort to work on her short fuse? Why isn't she apologizing?

Anon, She has apologized before, and shes seeing a kink friendly therapist. Shes taking steps to do just that.

> Everyone is responsible for their own behavior.

Thats the exact reason why I am blaming myself. I am trying to take responsibility for my own actions, my part of the problem.

>>18017560
Lol you've really gone down the rabbit hole anon. Do you realize what you're saying here is the exact same thing women with abusive husband's say.
>it was really my fault because I was nagging him
>most of the time he's not like this
>he said something crushing and spiteful but then said he didn't mean it

The more I read this thread the more obvious it becomes you need to get out, but of course you won't, your coping mechanism is far too practiced.

Do you realize that you've disregarded every single piece of advice in this thread?

>>18017560
Why are you here? You don't want advice. If this person is so great, then what's the problem?

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>>18017596
> Do you realize that you've disregarded every single piece of advice in this thread?

I have read the "advice" given, but I dont wish to break up or end the realtionship. I am looking for advice on how to better the situation without ending it. If someone could give some advic on that, i would gladly read it and try.

>>18017608
One person cannot change a relationship, she has shown she would rather make you so miserable you end the relationship than change her behavior to save it.

What possible advice can we give other than end it? You can only control your own actions.

>>18017608
For things on your side, I'd suggest just not engaging in conversations about politics. Just nod and say "uhhuh" "Wow, that's horrible." "I can't believe that happened". You don't need to prove her wrong or right on her politics. There's nothing to gain by arguing.
It wouldn't really make a difference, if you think it'll calm her down about the political situation to know the truth. She essentially wants to engage in adult gossip. Plus, sometimes it's cathartic to channel the negative energy you have into something you can't really control. She can fuss about politics, but she's not forced to actually do anything. Like say, if she fussed about your relationship, then she would have to actually step back and ask, "What can I do to improve my relationship?" But those have real things she can do about it. Whereas politics, the only thing she can do is complain about it. Which feels a lot better than actually having to do work and reconsider your behavior.

>>18017592
Do you even have boundaries anon? You need to make clear what you can and cannot be punished for and when you feel the punishment is unfair.
I'm not really in a 24/7 BDSM relationship, but we have some 24/7 rules for me because I have some difficulties in daily life he helps me with. And when I am punished, my dom states very clearly what he is punishing me for and gives me the time to give feedback. I know it really fucks with my ability to function as an independent human being if he punishes me arbitrarily; ithat kind of sounds what your domme is doing to you.

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>>18017611
> One person cannot change a relationship,
Thats why I tried a media blackout, but she doesnt want to do it. I am willing to compermise, but i am unsure what both of us could agree to. Do you have an idea?

> she has shown she would rather make you so miserable you end the relationship than change her behavior to save it.

I disagree, she has shown me shes trying and getting frusted with what I do. We both have our faults and have admitted that, she doesnt want me misberal....infact thats the first time shes done something so serious. But i feel thats because she thinks shes at the end breaking point and she doesnt know what else to do.


==
>>18017613
> For things on your side, I'd suggest just not engaging in conversations about politics.

Ive tired, but when i dont reply to an email she asks if i read the link she sent me, and trys to have the conversation.


> sometimes it's cathartic to channel the negative energy you have into something you can't really control. She can fuss about politics, but she's not forced to actually do anything.

She wanted to join the "protesters" for the womans march, and other protests in dc. I suggested she not do it, due to the fact there may be a riot, and there was. However if she had the time, means to do so.i think she might have went as long as tear gas didnt get into things. She thinks by joining these groups she can make a change, and im not saying she cant or can.i just dont want to get into it.

>>18017616
> Do you even have boundaries anon? You need to make clear what you can and cannot be punished for and when you feel the punishment is unfair.
Yeah, we both have hard limits, and we dont do punishments (since abusive realtionship with my ex). Her pulling oevr to get out of the car and waste time was because she felt trapped in a car and couldnt do anything to get away from me sicne she didnt want to talk about the riots. Besides that, she has not done anything like that before, besides asking for space

>>18017627
Still sounds like she is using her dominance over you to make you do things you don't want to. If she prevents you from seriously addressing relationship issues this way, it is not okay. It is your responsibility as a submissive to not let her walk all over you or to become a nagging twat when she won't listen to you.

>>18017627
>Ive tired, but when i dont reply to an email she asks if i read the link she sent me, and trys to have the conversation.
I don't mean to give her a cold shoulder about it. Just be a passive yes-man. "That's ridiculous!" "I can't believe he said that." "Man, what has the world come to." You don't need to question the article, you don't need to give solutions, just tell her what she wants to hear.
That's been my technique of talking about politics.

>>18017627
>She thinks by joining these groups she can make a change
That's still cathartic in the way I meant, since she can feel like she did something, but she didn't really put any effort into it. It's easy to go out on an afternoon and yell a bunch. It's harder to think critically about your behavior and how you treat your boyfriend.

A collaring is a big commitment. Why do you want to commit to some one when you are struggling like this?

>>18017647
>Still sounds like she is using her dominance over you to make you do things you don't want to.

What things do you think that is anon? She has made it very clear and important that she doesnt want to force me to do anything i dont want to do, she respects my hardlimits 100% of the time and has never crossed them.

> If she prevents you from seriously addressing relationship issues this way, it is not okay.
Okay, but what if im wrong? What if a media blackout isnt the way to go about this? Do you have a better idea than that? What else should I attempt?

> It is your responsibility as a submissive to not let her walk all over you or to become a nagging twat when she won't listen to you.
Shes not walking all over me, I know its hard for people to understand that from this breif thing, but she really isnt. She takes my limits very seriously.


>>18017653
> technique of talking about politics.
Roger roger, I mean dont get me wrong she hates trump....but i was never a fan either. I got one of his hats from a halloween shop for the lols as a joke, I never supported him, and dont like him either but im not gonna protest or riot over it...(unless he takes away equal marriage, that might get me protesting but besides that, its not something i want to get into). The joke isnt funny anymore. .

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>>18017672
>A collaring is a big commitment. Why do you want to commit to some one when you are struggling like this?

I know its a big commitment, we taled at great legnths about it. What pushed it along sooner was the play collor we used started to break apart as my skin is very acid like for pot plated metal. So we talked about a more permanent one, one i wanted, one we both wanted.

You see the only issues are recent, and i think besides that this realtionship can be savalged. I want to be with her, i want to be there for her, i am very happy in our realtionshp, just this rocky part isnt so great. Still i have hope and trust in her, and i think i need to do something, we need to do something to mend this and walk together. Does that make sense, anon?

>>18017673
Of course she respects hard limits, otherwise it'd likely be the end of the line. But by the sound of what you have said, she is a bit of a drama queen and your position makes it harder to go "shut up about trump, you've really been going on long enough about this without doing something constructive". This is not about your hard limits, it's about your communication with her.

It's absolutely okay and sometimes necessary to get into a fight with your significant other. I get into fights with my dom sometimes, avoiding such fights can be disastrous if it prevents you from speaking out frustrations. Her strategy of going "i don''t want to talk about this" is an avoidance strategy.

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>>18017693
>it's about your communication with her.
I agree, we have a communication issue on this matter. What ways do you think we could fix this?


We talk about everything else, no issue even if its a harsh truth i perf it over a sweet lie, its made our realtionship work so far.

>>18017703
That's already a good first step, but I think it would be a good idea for you to address how her trump obsession is becoming a problem. If she has a hard time talking to you directly, maybe write a letter? That's what I did when I had really bad subdrop (we do corporeal punishment) and it really helped me communicate clearly without getting dramatic about it. Especially if she replies by letter it might work better, it gives her the time to write things down calmly.

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>>18017710
We chat by email sometimes when shes at work. I have spoken to her about what ive seen before, where my mother got so wrapped up in 911 news she lost her job, sold her stuff, and ignored me. Its unhealthy, but she keeps saying shes not her, i know that but its similar enough for me to mention it.

I'm just worried she might get sucked into the news monster and be worse off for it. Ya know, anon?

>>18017397
What kind of shit dom is this?

You're supposed to have submissive behaviour. She doesn't get to control your thoughts or your entire personality, only your actions.

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>>18017722
>She doesn't get to control your thoughts or your entire personality, only your actions.
Yet when she wants me to drop subjects, i sometiems get so heated i cant or dont. Try reading the rest of the replies to this thread to have a better understanding of what i mean.

>>18017720
Ask her to make an action plan to do something about it that will make you worry less? Don't suggest stuff to her, ask her to come up with it on her own. If she thinks it's her own idea, she'll be more inclined to agree with working on it.

Maybe she could become a member of a political party instead, or some other association that works on women's rights. Something that involves her in a more positive way than the marches will, such as volunteer work.

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>>18017730
>Don't suggest stuff to her, ask her to come up with it on her own. If she thinks it's her own idea, she'll be more inclined to agree with working on it.

I have once before, but she wasnt sure herself.

> Maybe she could become a member of a political party instead, or some other association that works on women's rights. Something that involves her in a more positive way than the marches will, such as volunteer work.

Yet that worries me, due to my past history of seeing someone taking thigns way too far, I'mn afraid her life will become about political parties with volunteer work, I'm afraid I'll lose her to that....I'm afraid if she goes along with it, that the little time outside of work etc we have together....wont be there anymore. Note: we did talk about this, so she hasnt joined any such groups.

Jesus Christ.

What a shitshow. How do you people survive?

>>18017737
You can't expect her not to get involved when she feels things need to be changed, but it's okay to set limits. Something that's only once a week should be totally fine, right? Make agreements on that, or that she only participates in one organisation. Being too dependent is easy, especially as a submissive, but it's not healthy.

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>>18017746
>Something that's only once a week should be totally fine, right? Make agreements on that, or that she only participates in one organisation.
Well she already does something once a week without me around, but its not related to politics. As for the organizations, they want mroe then that, and i dont think its healthy. I know i shouldnt expect her not to want to due to how she feels, but im concerned she will go to the deepend if she just trys ot get her toes wet. I worry that she will get even more stressed out dealing with that on her mind, even if she is doing something about it. I wantto lessen her stress, but saying go to poltical stuff for groups might just be the worse thing i could say about it.

>>18017753
Did you communicate what you just said to her? If she is aware that it is bothering you and she chooses not to do anything about it, you cannot force her. Then I'd really suggest taking your distance if it becomes too difficult to deal with it. Breaking up is then the most extreme solution but you need to think about what you will do if she can / will not listen to your concerns and deal with them appropriately. Hanging onto this relationship when it is hurting you is not okay if she cannot change that.

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>>18017760
> Did you communicate what you just said to her?

The part where she does something once a week? or the party thing? We talked about the party thing hence why she isnt doing it, as for the thing she does once a week, she doesnt do that for herself so i dont mention it much.

> she can / will not listen to your concerns and deal with them appropriately.

She does do that though, she asked me about thew politcal party thing ,i told her so she didnt. She has shown this many times she cares about what i think and checks with me.

bummp

>>18017426
Leave her. She's toxic, and not cuz of the BDSM play, but acting that way... Nah sounds borderline to me

>>18017397
Stop being gay dude, it's the only answer

>>18017919
You're wrong.

>>18017397
>Shes stressed out due to trump getting into office
Stopped reading. She's a retard, you're a retard, everyone trying to give you legitimate advice is a retard.

>>18017985
> retard

Come back when you have more than ad hominem attacks

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last bump of the night

>>18018106
>someone please tell me exactly what I want to hear

The big problem with BDSM is that you're only ever 100% into it during the peak of your mental illness. Only seriously fucked up people get into it, on either side.

You guys seem to have a nice enough relationship, but she obviously has extreme mental issues relating to the concept of authority, to the point that she can't even stomach any positive structure in her life if it's someone else suggesting it.

There are a million possible reasons behind it, most of them related to childhood abuse, but you two really need to work through whatever it is before you can have a healthy relationship together.

In a working relationship, both parties listen to each other.

It's going to be hard, I've been where you are and it took a good six months to finally fully address all our problems, let alone work through them. He was a dom because he needed control in a world that had taken his loved ones away. I was a sub because my mother was sociopathic and brainwashed me into only deriving self worth from servitude.

I hope you work out your own demons. You guys deserve happiness.

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>>18018995
>We were broken people so anyone else who likes BDSM are also broken
Does anyone else get seriously irked by people who try and make sweeping generalizations based off their own anecdotal evidence?

Behead those who extrapolate.