can't function

Hey anon. What's going on? You want to talk about anything or share what's making you cry for hours everyday?

I can say from previous experience that having been sexually and emotionally abused in the past and then having an amazing lover a few years later, the difference between destructive sex and healthy sex is that you don't feel numb and you don't empty or ashamed while doing it and afterwards.

do not apologize. we all have been in dark places.

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Same op.
I'm so lonely it hurts. But I'm so riddled with social anxiety it's near impossible to make friends. I take every downfall so personally and so hard it's impossible to build up my self worth. I don't know how to stop taking everything so hard.

>>17998935
Any sort of sex that makes you feel guilty afterwards isn't healthy sex.

Sex that matters is the sex that makes you feel fulfilled and happy. Content is a good descriptor.

I might not be a normal people, per se, but I see sex as an ultimate manifestation of love. A physical expression of it, but that's just my romanticized view.

>>17998935
>to stop crying
Distract yourself with fun things. If you don't have distractions ask me and I will provide them.

>how to stop using sex as escapism
Not necessarily bad. Sex is a great distraction. Just make sure it is healthy sex. You stop by literally deciding to not have sex ezpz.

>what should normal sex feel like
Slippery and yummy. Like eating candy through your genitals while getting a cuddle.

>why do normal people have sex
Because it is pleasurable as fuck. Same reason sad people have sex. You already know this. Stop asking dumb questions.

Don't apologise, when you are in a dark place you can't even imagine what it's like to be happy, just like how I'm in such a good place right now I can't even properly empathise with how you feel right now, even though I have surely been as sad as you are.

You get out of dark places by deliberately inproving yourself through self-discipline. You don't even need to be motivated. Just decide to take steps that improve you as a person and make your existence more enjoyable.

I can tell you exactly how but there is no point unless you are going to decide to do it.

>>17998997
You want to know how to fix anxiety? Travel 1hr away, go into a pub, and make an absolute dick of yourself in front of a group of people. Be as loud, obnoxious and opinionated as possible and try to get everyone to hate you. I was so anxious i had to take xanax the first three times I did this but every single time after you are done and you leave and realise there is no consequence for your actions you will feel better and permanently give less of a fuck.

>>17999099
Idk, as a woman that also sounds like a great way to get raped or something.
I can't see myself doing something like that without sobbing though. Plus, idk I've made an ass of myself in front of complete strangers and it still haunts me. Like, I went and embarrassed myself in another country 2 years ago and I still lie awake and dwell on it some nights. I know I'll never see any of those people again. I still just cringe and it makes me want to die even more.

>>17999102
Thats because you aren't doing it on purpose. You are very unlikely to get raped just by being loud in a bar. Pretty much everyone is.

There is a massive dofference between looking like a dick when trying to look good, and looking like a dick when you are intentionally proving to yourself that acting like a dick doesn't matter.

Chances are your confidence will eventually just get you friends but if it doesn't you succeeded anyway.

>>17998988
>1/?

I just feel lost and abandoned. I don't really know where to start.

I've been abused in a lot of ways since childhood. I've had the most trouble trying to heal from the sexual type. I've acted pretty promiscuous since elementary school. If I act slutty, I get attention. If I get attention, I get some basic human interaction and I won't have to feel lonely. Sexual interest = caring.

I managed to get a boyfriend at some point. I haven't cheated on him, ever. His sex drive is way lower than mine, and I take him not wanting to fuck me as him not caring about me. The first year or so was really hard for me as I had to actually get emotionally involved in sex, rather than just be numb and try to believe I was being loved. I cried a lot during those times, which must have made him wary. After a while, I dropped the act that sex was something I enjoyed, because I was willing to trust him at this point. Being fucked felt horribly violating, which caused me to sort of detach. I wasn't able to vocalize this, but he didn't seem to mind much and went ahead whenever it happened. The feeling of being told how much he loved me afterwards always reminded me of past abuse. I didn't put much faith in him after that.

I discovered that physical pain was great at stopping me from detaching, so I suggested we try out sadomasochism. He hated the idea and shamed me for it over the next few years. We fought a lot about sex, we still do. I brought up my past abuse. that I'd like his support in becoming normal, and that sexual arousal is something I have difficulties with. He'd be cooperative at first, but then get frustrated and say shit like "it's not my fault that you've broken yourself" and not see a problem.

(Not a native speaker, sorry for any and all mistakes.)

>>17999130
Maybe, i dunno. The thought of it alone is paralyzing and I don't have access to drugs, which is where I was thinking I'd get raped... I'd basically be date rape drugging myself lol.
I also don't see much point in trying to make people hate me. I seem to do that well enough as is. I want people to like me.

>>17999158
Hey you didn't break yourself. The abuse you've had to go through wasn't your fault. You got that? You need to do what's right and healthy for you ok? Find a counsellor you can trust and feel comfortable with to work through this. You're brace for admitting you've got issues and that you want to work on them. That's awesome anon. You're not less of a person for that ok? Don't allow your boyfriend to tell you this. If he's not going to be there to support you while you move forward working through these issues, he's probably not the person you should be with right now. Your health is important. You matter anon.

Not brace. I meant to type brave.

>>17999159
You can just buy drugs online. Not going to tell you how but you can literally google it. Pretty easy and very safe. (Not that i have ever done it okay nsa?)
That said, be very careful with benzos. You are currently in torture of anxiety and the instant relief they will give you with no downside will make them very very addictive for you.

Your problem is that you aren't just chicking yourself in there and letting yourself be incomfortable. This constant running away from the anxious feeling causes way more anxiety than saying 'fuck it lets see how anxious I can get before i puke lol'.

Also if you are actually that anxious you can probably just get xanax or valium through your doctor which would be way cheaper so just do that.

>>17999158
Holy fucking high maintenance.

I am so fucking glad to be a normie right now. Your biggest mistake is taking his low sex drive as an insult. My gf did that to me and it made me feel like i had to perform which made it even less sexy.

Your relationship is so unhealthy it's not even funny and you both need to get out and will both benefit from it.

Sorry to hear about your abuse, and the not liking sex. Just don't have sex. Don't you have friends who you can get attention from?

You need to be more alpha and stop being the victim. Find a guy who likes being dominated and have your way with him. Take a turn in the driver's seat of your life it's a whole lot more fun.

>>17999200
I dunno about that, I'm going into a career where cannot have any sort of criminal record. But the idea of a relief pill is certainly tempting. I was just googling that. I've tried the bullshit therapy and mental gymnastics and it doesnt work.

I understand what you're saying about pushing my comfort levels, I know its what I need. I just wish I had some support with it. Someone to hold my hand at first, but I don't have anything like that. I mean literally paralyzing, I've tried going out on my own before. I sit in the bars for 10 minutes before bailing because I feel like I can't breathe.

I could go the doctor route but I feel like I can't do that either, because the job I want also will axe me if I have any known mental disorders. This dream job of mine right now is basically the only thing keeping me alive. It's the only aspect of my future I'm excited for. Without it, I literally have no reason to live. No hope for my future. It's the only thing I've ever wanted outside of just plain being loved.

I know the answer though, it is like you're saying, pushing out of my comfort zone enough until it's normal. I'm just having such a hard time getting out of the paralysis. I just can't not go out and literally shake with fear with tears welling in my eyes while everyone looks at me like the freak I am.

Your snail photo is adorable by the way

>>17999158
>2/2

After I figured I was just a burden, I became afraid he might think I was worthless and abandon and just let him use me as he wanted. I tried acting like everything was fine, and it worked, for a time. I started having thoughts about wanting to be normal again, which, according to articles and shit, meant having some agency in our sex life. Though he was more receptive to the idea than he was before, he kept rejecting me. I can't deal with rejection at all. If I'm not even good enough to be someone's fucktoy, why should I even be alive?

The details are a bit of a blur for the next few years. I started using drugs for the mental issues when therapy and meds didn't work, and I think they fucked up parts of my memory. It was never a habit, and I stopped after a friend got involved in shady shit, but I can attest to one experience with MDMA being more helpful than 10 years of therapy and meds.

Nowadays we have sex maybe once a week, which is definitely not enough for me. I masturbate a lot, and can cum in like 10-30 secs. I fantasize a lot about brutal stuff like rape and torture. I actually do enjoy being fucked nowadays, but am almost always left mentally unfulfilled; I just can't get off without an element of humiliation or pain.

Our apartment is a mess and I feel terrible living here. It doesn't feel like a home. I want a home. I want to belong. I want a family. I can't, because I'm so fucked up every time I have a breakdown when he drinks even the tiniest bit of alcohol, I automatically think the only solution for me to feel better is to choke on his dick. That's not normal. I desperately want to be normal.

At this point I can't even remember why I made this topic. I just want the pain to go away.

>>17999241
Get out of there anon. He sounds fucked up. I too enjoy rough sex. It's not abnormal and it's wrong that he shamed you into thinking otherwise. Enjoying kinky sex is not bad.

>>17999228
I am a professional too. You have a tiny chance of getting caught buying online demestic and if you do you will only get a warning because you have zero valuable info to help them convict the seller.

Your best bet is still the doctor though because you are what they are meant for lol. Also check out etizolam because apparently it is slightly less addictive, but all benzos (even though etizolam isn't technically a benzo) are extremely addictive so you will be on them for life or experience a painful wthdrawal.
Doctor has even less chance of negatively affecting your career because a.) Confidential and not illegal b.) It's illegal for them to discriminate based on medical conditions. Also they wouldn't give a fuck if it makes you function better.

What about beta blockers just to stop the racing heart? They aren't as bad as benzos.

Your problem is that you are seeing the panic as a bad thing you need to avoid. Think of it more as your brain desensitising itself. The anxiety is the point of the exercise so observe and embrace it.

Mindfulness is certainly not bullshit. Get the app headspace and try it out. If you go though all of the 10 levels with no benefit then try beta blockers. If they aren't enough you need benzos.

>>17999241
What drugs did you do?

Fuck your sex sounds hot. I would love to fuck someone like you if it didn't come with all the emotional baggage.

You can be normal and enjoy being choked and humiliated in bed. It's real hot sex and most guys would get behind it.

Normal people who are into what you're into will do rape play and choking then go back to cuddling, kissing each others foreheads and watching stand up on netflix exchanging 'i love you's. Your problem isn't your sex drive or what you are into. Your problem is an unhealthy relationship where the humiliation isn't just in the bedroom.

Get a better relationship it's not that fucking hard, especially if you're willing to let people fuck your throat. Stop being so needy and depressed all the time and your kinks will actually make you super valuable on the dating market.

Just cheer the fuck up and improve yourself. Also clean your fucking flat because no respectable people want to live in a mess.

>>17999213
>low sex drive as an insult
I've tried working on it, but it really does make me feel pretty fucking ugly and unwanted when I'm desperate for cock and he'd rather just jerk off to anime girls instead.

>unhealthy relationship
Agreed, but we've been together for a decade and we're co-dependent. I can't imagine us breaking up.

>friends?
No.

>just don't have sex
Normal human beings have sex. I want to be a normal human being. You make it sound like I have no right to be one.

>be more alpha
I'm sexually submissive though.

>>17999291
You didn't say he was jerking off. That doesn't mean low sex drive that means addicted to porn. I had the same thing. He needs to do noporn but he won't because he is a fucking koser and doesn't give a shit about you.

>can't imagine us breaking up
Well there is your problem retard. You are refusing to make decisions that you know will make your life better. You will never make it as long as you do that so get comfortable in miserable land. You are making the decision to stay there. This is why you will never be normal.

>nofriends
Get friends. Go out and meet people. Join a hiking club. Free endorphines. I dknow you don't want to just stop being a fucking pussy and do it. Make your life better.

>sexually submissive
All good, you can still be more alpha outside of sex and your life would be better.

>>17999282
>What drugs did you do?
What I remember doing: LSD, DXM, MDMA, DOC, coke, weed, shrooms, various opioids and benzos.

I would stop being needy if I knew how.
I would cheer up if I knew how.
I would clean up the apartment if it wasn't such a daunting task.
I'd be a respectable person if I weren't broken, filthy and worthless.

If I broke up with him, I would be alone, without anything to connect me to reality or the rest of humanity. My kinks do not raise my market value enough to outweigh my emotional baggage. Being tolerated by people for letting them use me to act out their fantasies is the opposite of what I want, and doesn't really differ that much from what went down when I was a kid.

>>17999257
Well, I'm looking to get a job out of country, therefore US laws don't really mean anything. I have to disclose my entire medical record to them. I'm already getting dinged enough for having been diagnosed with depression as a teenager.

I suppose maybe someday I can work up the nerve, I just literally feel like my hearts stopping. I've had panic attacks so bad I've literally had 911 dialed but was never able to hit call.

>>17999333
Sounds like a fun drugs portfolio.

>needy
Literally just stop acting needy. When you are about to be needy just decide not to.

>cheer up
Exercise, and self discipline to improve yourself. Cleaning your appartment will help you do this

>daunting task
Again you are making the decision to be sad so you get no sympathy.

>respectable if not blah blah blah
You don't have to feel respectable, just act respectable. Pretend you are playing someone in a movie.

What do you do for a living?

You don't need him to connect you with reality or humanity. Just do that yourself.

Your emotional baggage is only a problem as much as your behave like someone with emotional baggage.

You don't have to just be tolerated to be used for fantasies if you make yourself more valuable, and yes, it absolutely is a decision. You just haven't made that decision yet.

>>17999350
What sort of job makes you give all medical records? Army? Never heard this before. Pretty fucked up.

>>17999241
Tell me more about your sex life I need some good fapping material. If it means anything I am way hotter than your bf and btw you guys should break up lol.

What do you guys say to each other during kinky fuck toy sex?

>>17999359
Teaching in Japan. The Japanese don't believe in mental illness much in the first place, and secondly they've had issues with people coming over, not adapting well to the culture shock, and offing themselves over there.
That's why they screen for mental illness and shit. I mean, I don't blame them, having a bunch of suicides doesn't make them look very good.

I know, you're probably thinking why the fuck I think I deserve to go do it then the way I am, but I dunno. Call me a weeb or some shit all you want, but I've never really felt at home with American culture anyways. Idk if I'll feel better or worse anywhere else, but I'm willing to do whatever it takes to try. I've never really liked living in America.

>>17999389
Come to nz it is great.

Going to japan will give you the constant shock you need to desensitise yourself to anxiety so i say it is a great call and good on you for doing something so bold. OP take note and stop being a pussy. You are unhappy with your life so change it.

>>17999396
I'm open to going anywhere really. Well, anywhere that's somewhat civilized lol. The english programs in Japan just seemed easiest, and I do have a better background on the country than any other. Plus from what I've read the pay is ridiculous. I thought for certain they'd be paying these English speakers the Japanese equivalent of minimum wage or something, but they treat them quite well for the amount of work you have to do.

Who knows, maybe it'll be a living nightmare, maybe I'll just fall into place there. I understand there will be some hardship being the token white girl in Japan, but at least I have a reason to be an outcast there lol. There'll be a reason people think of me differently.

>>17999407
Do you speak japanese?

If not i recommend pimsleur.