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Depression

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Can you ever recover from this shit.
My therapist said to me that depression can be something that sticks to you for your whole life, and that you just need to learn how to cope with it.
I am tired.
So fucking tired.
I can't deal with this shit if the rest of my fucking life is going to be a daily struggle of trying to find a reason to just live.
I hate myself, and I want to fucking die, but I don't want to kill myself because it would hurt my family, the only people who have ever cared about me.

If my parents were dead, I'd probably off myself immediately. The only thing that stops me from suiciding is the feelings of obligation I have towards my parents. I don't want to let them down.
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>>17978842
>Can you ever recover from this shit.
Kind of. I have clinical depression and been through some really fucked up shite a long time ago. All I wished for was death it didn't matter if it was painful or not, all I wanted was for my life to end, I wanted to lose consciousness so much I used to envy those in a comma. But I was able to recover from that.
If you are eventually able to "beat" this horrible state of constant pain you'll feel so much better that just the idea of getting in that dreadful mood again will scare you like a bitch. So I for once try to avoid anything that might pull me back in into that suicidal state, because I fucking know how horrible it can be. Don't get me wrong it's not easy as it sounds, I feel like there's always a ghost haunting me just waiting for the first chance it has to fuck me up again. But honestly it's so much worth it mate, although I'm not as happy as the people around me just being able to enjoy things again from time to time is just so much better than what it was in the past.
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>>17978842
>If my parents were dead, I'd probably off myself immediately
Same. I have one left.
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>>17978911
> I feel like there's always a ghost haunting me just waiting for the first chance it has to fuck me up again.
I know that feeling. It is like a constant, black abyss hiding within your own head, ready to swallow you up again, and you have to constantly fight to keep it at bay.
Some days, are easier, when I can distract myself, or spend time with people that make me happy, hell, some days I actually feel generally ok and well, but then there are days like these, when my anxiety and depression roll back in full force, making me want to hurt myself and die.

The most common question I ask to myself is "what am I going to do?"
I am so fucking lost in my life. Last year was a small refuge of stability, where I got to a one year course and actually moved on with my life a bit, but after it ended, I don't know what the fuck to do, and that uncertainty is fueling my self destructive feelings.

I am so fucking tired of all of this.
The idea that by killing myself, I could put an end to all my troubles, is something that I cannot get out of my head. I know, the whole "permanent solution to a temporary problem" but the problem is that depression is not temporary. It is fucking permanent facet of my being, and it has ruined my life.

I turn 24 this year, and I got nothing going on in my life. I am a jobbles, educationless loser who is dependent on his parents money completely. I am a fucking disgrace and I do not deserve this life.
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>>17978959
>I turn 24 this year, and I got nothing going on in my life. I am a jobbles, educationless loser who is dependent on his parents money completely. I am a fucking disgrace and I do not deserve this life.
Really annoying "go get em" types are going to try and crucify me for saying this, but statistically most of this isn't your fault.

This generation has one of the worst public education systems, ridiculous college tuition, the worst economy, overmedicated kids (CLEARLY not the kid's fault ffs), a media that's blatantly more corrupt than it's ever been, and feminism just takes all those problems that effect both genders and blame them on men so they can put themselves at the top of this current trash heap.

Only accept responsibility for your own choices. People are pretending this society is as meritocratic as it ever was AND IT ISN'T.

Do hang in there though, I think something's turning around. It always turns around. It is a shame, yes, that we didn't get we were after as we were young.
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>>17978985
I am not american, so I dunno about the public education system stuff etc you spoke of.
Here in Finland, our school system worked quite well, at least back when I was in it.
I used to be a happy child back then, my depression started in our equivalent of high school, but I only realized that I had become depressed years later, when I was 21.
The worst thing is that I pretty much have everything going for me in my life. A nice upper middle class family with no problems. I was good in school and there really shouldn't be anything standing in my way to having a decent adult life.
And despite all of that, I am this sniveling wreck of a person that cannot even cut himself, let alone kill himself, because of how much of a coward he is. I hate myself, and I do not deserve this life. I am not deserving of anything I have. I am a worthless piece of shit that just leeches of from others.
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>>17978842
As a person who has suffered depression I know I can't tell you anything to make you feel better but I would like you to know that you are really brave and a good person if you think about your family first. Do you have a dream? I know someone can't never recover from depression but think about your future and have a vision of what do you want to be and what do you want to get. Watch movies, go to the park and if you have the possibilities, travel. Good luck dear anon.
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>>17979073
Nice, got an extra 20% speed bonus from these
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>>17979005

Have you tried getting over yourself and your precious feelings? I'm completely 100% serious, in my experience "depressed" people have way too much free time to wallow in self-pity. Get a job.
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>>17979086
It is not so easy you know.
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>>17979073
>Do you have a dream?
I dunno. I have had some aspirations about making maybe comics, or shit, anything with the fictional settings and drawings I have made, but I doubt anything would ever come about them. Honestly, my biggest "dream" is just to find a reason to live at all. I'd like to one day, have a job, a home, a family and kids, along with a summer cottage in the countryside, but I doubt I will ever have any of the above.

And when I think about my future, all I can see is myself eventually just killing myself. There is no happy end for me.

>>17979086
I got no education to get a job besides soul crushing shit that would just end up making me kill myself faster. I have had work before, shit like working in the storage facility of supermarkets, or at my father's metal firm doing dirty and tiring bullshit, and all that made me just hate my existence even more.

And no one can just "get over" their feelings as much as one would like to. If I could, I'd fucking shut off my emotions right the fuck now, because they bring only pain to me.
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>>17979121
You should stop being pessimist, you just can't live like that or you will get sick. You can made a blog and post your drawings there anon and maybe you can try studying something related to graphic design. Just focus on what you like, someday you will realize you wasted your wonderful years and it will be worse but it is not too late to start something new. You are in this world for a reason, try to find the reason.
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>>17979121
>I got no education
Easily fixable. You can basically be retarded and finish a STEM degree. Like 95% of university is time management and planning ahead, that's all it takes. You barely need to be smart, I should know.

>soul crushing shit
You sure you're not just lazy, on top of your depression?

>no one can just "get over" their feelings
Sure you can. You just ignore and suppress your emotions, until it becomes an unconscious process and you become callous and numb. But that takes work, something you are averse to.

Also,
>find a reason to live
>There is no happy end for me
>If I could, I'd fucking shut off my emotions right the fuck now, because they bring only pain to me

Stop this special snowflake bullshit. Your life isn't a movie. I can tell from personal experience that in a twisted way you enjoy your current position, because:

a) you get to dick around all day
b) self-pity is actually a pleasurable experience

Just stop.
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>>17978842
>>17978842
>>17978842
>>17978842
You can recover.

I tried to kill myself when I was 20 after being depressed for about three years. The last three months before I attempted I had been seeing a therapist at my college who helped me vent and try some cognitive behavioral therapy-type stuff that didn't really do me much good. I developed a good relationship with him, and being able to just talk with a professional helped immensely. I went back after the attempt and told him about it. I got referred to another doctor, who put me on buproprion. It worked for a few months, but then I had to have my dose doubled. It got me through the rest of college and my first year working my dream job. I've been off it for the past year and I'm happy with life now. Those dark thoughts and feelings come back, but I'm better able to cope with them.

A lot of it was circumstantial for me. Changing your surroundings, how you spend you time, who you spend your time with, what music you listen to, etc. can help more than you think. Don't self-medicate with alcohol like I did - it makes it worse. It's hard to push yourself to do and try new things, but think of it as a project that you can work on just a little bit each day.

It's not hopeless anon, even though I know it feels that way. You might have to get some medical help. Very few people are able to shake it on their own.
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>>17979182
>supressing emotion

No.

Acknolwedge it, introduce a balancing thought and see things with a different perspective.

Supressing will just keep things underneath until it erupts.

For example:

Thought: "Life sucks and is boring"
Balancing thought: "Life is short so its a waste of time to feel sorry and be bored."

Thought: "Life's a bitch and then we die"
Balancing thought: "Life is short, but it doesn't have to be a bitch with the proper worldview"
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>>17979147
I've been pessimistic since childhood. Hell ,I had pride in it for some twisted reason.
I can't stop at this point, pessimistic thinking is so heavily ingrained into my thinking that I don't even know what "positive thinking" would entail.

>>17979182
>Like 95% of university is time management and planning ahead,
Which is where I am absolutely shit at. If I was good at managing my time or planning ahead, my life wouldn't be such a mess. I am actually right now, in a training course that is supposed to prepare oneself to the university entrance exams, but I am having massive doubts of it I even fucking want to go to an university. I don't think that I can manage studying in one.

>You sure you're not just lazy, on top of your depression?
I wouldn't call myself lazy. When I get an idea for a drawing, or partake in work that interests me and excites me, I can spend untold amounts of time and energy around that idea.
I do have a problem of doing shit that bores me though, because when I am bored, my mind turns inward, which makes my horrible self hating thoughts consume my thinking.

>Sure you can. You just ignore and suppress your emotions,
Tried that, and it caused those emotions to burst out in an explosive fashion eventually, once great enough threshold was reached. Not exactly healthy.

>I can tell from personal experience that in a twisted way you enjoy your current position, because:
Oh fuck off. I do not enjoy this state. The urge to kill myself that constantly lurks in the back of my mind, is fucking horrible thing to live with.
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>>17979190
I did notice an improvement in my mental state when I moved out of my home to a student apartment last year, and took part in a course about game design. I think that big part of it was socialization with other people, which I hadn't had outside of my family members in like 3 years.

Too bad that the course ended, and the social circle around it largely evaporated. Even my room mate moved out, so now I am, back at sitting alone in an apartment, with just me and my thoughts for company. Except this time, I am 500 kms from my home, in a city I know no one in.
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>>17979182
>Stop this special snowflake bullshit. Your life isn't a movie. I can tell from personal experience that in a twisted way you enjoy your current position, because:
>a) you get to dick around all day
>b) self-pity is actually a pleasurable experience
>Just stop.
Dude fuck off. This is the quickest way to get someone to ignore you.

Half the threads I've ever been in trying to get advice I've had people accusing me of just wanting to complain. Just because I elaborate more deeply what the problem is. It's so fucking stupid.

Once YOU relegate something to "Ah you just like losing" you have basically said "We already know everything about the universe." You have no desire to learn something that is unknown to you. That is fundamentally retarded.
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Don't kill your self, it's not a very good way of recovering. Plus if it fails you will be a potato and that will suck. Move somewhere you love, or spend more time where you love.(forest, shops, bike riding, any shit) Talking to someone may speed up the process for you. I think time is one of the best ways for you to get over it. Never forget about some of the bad things, when I did they always seemed to come back 10 times harder.
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>>17979544
The problem is that I don't think that I will ever truly recover. Even my therapist told me that depression is not something that is cured, it is something that you learn to live with.
I am so fucking tired of living with this mental burden.
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>>17978842
nice spooks bro hahahahahahh
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>>17979562
What?
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No.

You'll learn to live for those short moments of happiness that happen every week or two.

Also you'll probably start drinking a lot and taking drugs.

When I was 12 I thought it's because of puberty.
When I was 16 I thought it's just stress.
When I was 18 I understood that I should get help. BAM, depression.

I'm really sorry, but with depression you'll never achieve full happiness. Once you acknowledge that you're depressed it gets even worse.
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>>17979551
not the guy you responded to.

it's not as black and white as you think it is.
successfully coping/living with depression doesn't mean feeling suicidal all the time, being totally incapable of functioning in society and just barely holding on to some desperate hope that things will get better one day.

to keep it short I was severely depressed a couple of years ago but through therapy(and to some extent friends) things very slowly got better. I'm still depressed and many of the thoughts I used to have are still there but they are much less frequent and mostly in the background. I'm much more aware of what I am thinking and feeling now, I can recognize my thought patterns and accept them for what they are and still focus on other things. I pretty much never have suicidal thoughts now and I can be productive(study) and meet new people(although challenging), things that I thought I would never be able to do when I started therapy.

with that said some days are harder than others but that's just how it is and in general I don't think it's fair to say I'm miserable at this point. I've gone from feeling like dying 6-7 days a week to feeling moderately insecure and ashamed 3-4 days a week. maybe I will never truly stop hating myself in some sense but it doesn't matter that much since I'm not really suffering from it anymore and in general things seem to have only gotten better so far.
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>>17978842
My psychologist said that i dont need him anymore, cause i got over it but you know I still get kinda depressed some days, even weeks maybe thats how we are going to live for the rest of our lifes but i dont see any problem with it anymore, im looking foward to live.
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>>17979907
>A bunch of shit no one is actually certain
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I wish I could give you guys a hug...
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>>17980704
That would hardly help.
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>>17978842
Depression is a bit like diabetes in that you can lead a normal and happy life if you keep it under control with medicines and life-style changes, but it always remains ready to burst out if you get sloppy in your treatment.
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After my parents are gone I'm killing myself.

It's not like I haven't tried to find someone who will love me. But they don't exist.
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>>17978959
>I turn 24 this year, and I got nothing going on in my life. I am a jobbles, educationless loser who is dependent on his parents money completely. I am a fucking disgrace and I do not deserve this life.
Hello anon, I had severe depression when I was a few years younger than you that caused my life to come down, I had to drop out of college and move back home, I was miserable every day. I was in cognitive behavioral therapy for over a year and on anti depressants, but I did get better. It certainly was not easy and requires a lot of hard work but it can be done.

A big first step is to get a job, any job. Like you I was lucky to have a family supporting me so money wasn't important, but having a job put me on a schedule, gave my days a purpose, forced me to interact with others and put forth effort. I suggest you start there, and get in CBT, it really does work if you're willing to work at it.
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>>17978842
Depression is a disability* and you can get bux for it.
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>>17978842
Ive been depressed all my life and haven't found a cure yet. But there were a few times where I was really happy. But I am giving up hope.

Got an important exam in 2 days. Still haven't started studying. Just like always, half assing in last moment. No motivation, no discipline, no energy, I just want to stop existing.
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>>17979274
Well, you've noticed that something helped. The next step is to keep doing it. It's not going to make everything better, but it will help your mood.

One of my tendencies was to focus on all the negatives and let them override anything good that happened. That's where CBT can help, like some of the other anons mentioned. Balancing thoughts. You can also balance actions - whenever you have to do something that makes you feel down, try to do something than can make you feel good as a reward. You just have to be careful about not overdoing it.

As I said before, I think you should talk to someone about medication.
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>>17978842
As mentioned before i'd say ask for medication.

After two years of therapy i thought it fixed it but half a year ago i crashed again because i couldn't hold up the facade. I had a pretty stable phase for a while but it's not something that can simply be fixed by having a nice partner, good friends or a nice job, For some maybe, but long term depression will come back. Now i accepted that i will just continue to take meds and try my best to stay alive, at least as long as my mom still lives.
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>>17982772
Try to find a partner dude.

Work out and get attractive. Exercise helps a lot with depression.

Don't end your life just because your parent passed away.
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>>17978959
>"permanent solution to a temporary problem"
Worst cliche ever. There are plenty of permanent problems.
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