A really long rambling blog post where I try to connect dots

>>17968634
(Con't)

Now I know your probably thinking this probably sounds normal. Autismo has nerd rage because he was bullied at school, but here's where it starts to get weird. Something I found while with the girl I can't get over is that I am really turned on by getting spanked. That's obviously not common for a man but not super weird eirher, until you factor in that one of things my bullies did to me was spank me and call me names when I was in middle school. I'd literally completely forgotten about this until just recently. Another thing I've remembered is that throughout my childhood, I was made fun of for not talking to girls and never having a girlfriend. At one point I remember they made a game out of betting on whether I or one of the other nerdy kids would get a girlfriend first.

I think this is why I based souch of my self worth on being with her, and I think it's why even now I feel like a piece of shit and that I should die. And it also begs the question of, if I had one repressed memory relating to sex do I have other? Are there things I don't remember that explain why I'm so angry all the time? How do I move on from here? That's the biggest question. I know I shouldn't base my self worth om whether or not I have a girlfriend but I can't seem to stop myself from thinking about it. And I know I should just let what happened to me as a kid go but I still have thoughts of hurting the people who hurt me. As an adult I've gotten into fist fights often over stupid shit I should have walked away from, but I always think that I can't just keep letting them get away with walking all over me. As an adult I've gotten much deeper into drinking that I'd like to admit. As an adult I make more money and have seen more of the world than my peers, yet I still feel incomplete, like the same ugly loser I was as a child, and now I'm begining to think these are all symptoms of a much deeper issue I don't know how to solve

>>17968634
Anyone? Please?

>>17968634
>>17968853
You my friend need to learn to let go. You sound like you spend way too much time stressing over things that are out of your control. Let go of the past, if you keep thinking about it and agonizing about "what-ifs" you'll spend your entire life in this retarded cycle of self loathing. It's the past, and unless you have a time machine then worrying about people and events that occurred to you in the past will get you nowhere. The only thing you can do is improve yourself for the better and make sure you never repeat the same mistakes you made again. Also stop blaming other people for your problems. It's all within your control, as you said in your post, so get off your ass and do something about your issues instead of spending all day on 4chan moaning for help. Go read a self-help book or see a counselor already. The only person that can help you is yourself so get to it. People can give you advice all day but at the end of the day they're just words and it's up to you to change.

>>17968874
Logically I know your roght, have known that I need to "let go" for awhile. Hell I can even tell myself that what those people did is forgiveable. They were kids, they weren't considering the effects they're actions were having on me. I'm not bullshitting when I say I believe that this is true. However, I still feel angry and I still have intrusive thoughts of violence about it. I can control myself not to act on those thoughts, but I don't want to feel this way anymore. There has to be a deeper issue I'm not seeing, or this wouldn't be a problem.

>>17968634

There really isn't a diagnosis anyone can give you, you care about the things you care about because of whatever reason and that's that. I would suggest to focus more on the present and future and try to move on from the shitty things that have happened in the past, everyone has regretful periods, just learn from them the best you can and focus on the now.

Your ex sounds pretty shitty to have slept with your so called friends, you don't need her in your life.

Could you be more specific in listing what you'd like to address?

>>17968910
I suspect there might be connections between my childhood and issues I have as an adult. What do I do with this information to help put my mind and emotions at ease?

>>17968881
>17968881
You can be angry about it, that's fine. It sounds like you've had some bad experiences with other people in your past, but you need to stop letting it effect you in the present. Spend more time thinking about the present and the future, like the other poster said. There's nothing wrong with being angry because you've been wronged. However, you can't be angry about it your whole life. Life is too short to be stressing out about shit that happened to you years ago. You only have one life, so don't spend it being salty as shit all the time. Try to find happiness and eventually you will forget about those bad experiences because you will be in a better place now than you were before." The more you agonize over this shit the more you let them "win". Go out there and be the best you can be and that is the way you will get back at everyone who wronged you. As Sinatra put it "The best revenge is massive success." I'm sure you can fix this yourself, you're just not trying hard enough. You should be scouring the internet for help instead of waiting for someone on 4chan to drop some ancient life-wisdom on you. There's plenty of resources available that can help you with your issue.

>>17968921
Also I'm worried that if I repressed this memory related to my sexuality that I may have repressed more and that's a terrifying thought in and of itself

>>17968922
You don't seem to be picking up what I'm putting down because you're telling me things I already know. I understand that it's stupid to be bothered about these things. I understand that there's nothing keeping me from being a successful person. But I'm already more successful than most of my peers. I still feel wrong. I believe there's another psychological issue at play.

>>17968923
Perhaps you turning your past issues with bullies into something sexually pleasurable is your way of taking control back?

I wouldn't concern yourself with repressed memories. Anything that affected you significantly when you were young tends to manifest as present issues in adulthood.

I dealt with my past issues by becoming someone I was proud of. A lack of satisfaction with myself drove me to become the person who I wanted to be.

If you feel that you've done enough to reach this stage then perhaps your seeking acknowledgement from someone other than yourself?

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53KB, 300x300px

>>17968928
The psychogical issue is that youre a fucking beta, guy. Go outside, get some sun, work out and accomplish some goals. Put more value into yourself so you can stop feeling this bleeding-heart needy connection for someone who doesn't give a fuck about you anymore.

>>17968954
>then perhaps your seeking acknowledgement from someone other than yourself?

This sounds painfully accurate but I have a Nad habit of not giving a shit about the opinions of people who think well of me and caring a lot about the opinions of people who think I'm a piece of shit. This is again something I recognize as a problem and have tried to snap myself out of but the voice remind of me what he or she thinks/knows about me doesn't seem to go away.

I don't want to give anyone the power to control how I feel about myself, but I don't seem to have that power for myself either.

>>17968964
I go to the gym 3-4 days a week and work as a skilled laborer. You're input is both inaccurate and unwanted.

>>17968970
I can relate to your feelings, to a degree.

To try to put it in words, the acknowledgement and approval that we seek from those who have withheld it, means so much more than those that give it freely.

There was a time I craved attention from a girl who purposefully held it from me, sprinkling enough breadcrumbs to keep me interested, but never satisfied. In my mind I had elevated her to such high regard, that if I got attention from her, then that meant I must of been a somebody and not a nobody. My self worth hinged on her willingness to speak to me.

Which is odd, because prior to this, me and this girl had been in a 2.5 year relationship, I had finally chosen to end it, it was my choice. Strange how the dynamics shift when one person stops responding to the other.

Real, lasting approval stems from the self, it cannot be given by others. Acknowledgement is nice, but not necessary. You should realise people spend all their lives seeking fulfillment in the belief that it comes from others and is a product of success.

Accept, forgive and live your life for you. Time will amend and erode the feelings of the past. Do not concern yourself with old memories bubbling to the surface, they will only take effect if you let them, as your teacher said, everything is within your power to change.