I feel so fucking stupid

However, when we finally made plans to practice, another guy was there--her friend, presumably, and it was really akward because it was clear he was there just in case I was a creep or whatever. I totally got that, even if it made me feel kind of shitty but either way we got to practicing and all of her songs are shitty pop music like Break Even (the song we eventually decided on) and I'm already burning with shame feeling like a massive idiot for even considering the possibility that she'd have good taste.

They ask if I like the stuff and I told them honestly that it wasn't the sort of stuff i'm into, and then they made me play one of the songs I wrote and I'm panicking because it's all tongue-in-cheek ironic whiny loser #relatable songs. I don't think they hated it but they most likely cringed about it, and like me she has a very teasing sense of humor, but the problem is that my music is intentionally super vulnerable. I didn't show it but it really stung when she joked about a line (misinterpreting it too) "repping that single life" and I just stammered like "no, actually" considering the relationships I had earlier this semester, but then I thought about how dumb it was to even say considering i'm single now.

The worst of all isn't that I still have to play this terrible song for someone who, the way it feels, is using me--I'm not one of those "bluh nice guys finish last" kids because I was fully into doing this just as a friend, but pretty much immediatly after we decided on a song it was pretty apparent that I was to leave and "go practice." Don't get me wrong, it still really stung.
.

but what I'm TERRIFIED of, is that I'm going to have to perform this at open mic in front of my bandmates, and it'll make everyone think i did it because I was thinking with my dick for some cute girl, especially because of how embarrassing a song it is. I feel so humiliated already; I just KNOW I'll look like a giant fuckin dork playing stuff that's the complete opposite of what I write and usually play just for some "friend". I feel like an absolute loser; I feel like everyone will thinke ven worse of me and assume i was jsut thinkign with my dick and got humiliated, especially when the friendship itself likely goes nowhere. I seriously hate myself right now; the sheer burning shame is absolutely agonizing.

I still feel an immense amount of shame welling up in my face and at some points it got so bad I'm seriously considering offing myself or just moving away again. I know it's melodramatic but I don't know how to stop overreacting; I seirously feel like I'm going to explode. My music career was already pretty fragile; I'm barely gonna be able to make it on my own and there's no way inhell I can go back to my parents' house. I'd seriously rather die. I feel like I'm letting myself down and that everythign I've worked for is now ruined in one fell swooop because I'm such a fucking loser.
I just really odn't know how to deal with this

Honestly man, and I really did read everything you wrote, I think you should just consider all your options, two of which are to a) play the show and no one will end up thinking less of you (they're not going to read into it NEARLY as deep as you are lol b) tell her to fuck off, that you have a musical reputation to uphold (and watch as you get a rep as a dick head?)

I hope it helps m8 , I'll be thinking of you and everything WILL be okay

>>17960815
Thanks dude. I've since calmed dwon after making the post; I dunno why I've been flipping out over stuff like this lately. It feels pretty crazy in retrospect; you're absolutely right about everything going to be okay and the options you've proposed are really solid--I'm seriously considering the latter one hahah.

Thank you so much, again, for responding. I think university brought out a lot of social anxiety, and I'm still pretty sore over the whole ordeal, but you're really right about people not reading into it as much as I am/I think they will.

It really meant a lot to me that you replied dude; I feel a lot better and a lot more level-headed. You're a fuckin' lad.

what the fuck just tell her to fuck off

>>17960838
Yea dude you a got a good head on your shoulder. You know yourself well. You're the opposite of most of the /adv/ posters. You're conscientious. I love making music too.

>>17960665

Don't over think it.
Play your song because it speaks to you and SOME of your audience will always be able to relate. As a performer, you must embrace variety.
Every well known artist has songs that speak romance and songs that speak tragedy. You got this, be confident and dont think about her. Think of the lonely girls in the audience that have been through some shit too.

Link your soundcloud/spotify/etc.
If you have one.
I want to hear what you got

>>17960851
On some level I sort of appreciate the bluntness of the advice; I really wish i could just be that person to tell her plain and simple that I don't want to play with her. The issue is that she'd think I was only doing it to try and get her pants, which she might have already been skeptical of considering the fact that she had her friend there when I went to her dorm.

>>17960871
Thanks friend. Your really kind to give all of this reassurance; it's probably due to the whole crappy family thing that little things like this cna throw me out of whack but just taking the time to message gave me all the support I needed.

What sort of music do you make man?
>>17960885
Overthinking it is definitely a huge folly;I really need to try to keep that in mind, so you're totally right about that.
>Play your song because it speaks to you and SOME of your audience will always be able to relate
that's totally true and what I tell myself even though my songs are often cringey most likely--as Sean Bonnette said (favorite songwriter) as long as you sing from your heart, someone is going to relate to it.

But what you said about the fact that there are people who would relate to the cover that she wants us to do is actually eye-opening. I sort of feel guilty looking at it from that perspective--in fact, it's sort of superficial of me to have been so torn up about playing a "shitty song"

my soundcloud mostly has unfinished stuff/dormroom recordings into EPs but I'm still flattered you'd want to listen. I'm hoping to record with the band soon and not just me

https://soundcloud.com/riley_hill

>>17960896
>she'd think I was only doing it to try and get her pants

who gives a fuck?

its your life not hers, tell her to take a hike

>>17960896

Thanks for sharing, always good to hear something new.

You will do fine, just don't let your parents doubt become your own. Rock on op