Dating but not in love

Anon, just speak to her. Tell her how long you've been depressed, tell her what the intimate experiences are doing to you. Tell her you have no peace of mind and feel guilt.

Tell her you don't want to hurt her, but you have to get it out of your chest.

The same thing you expressed here, you can express to her. If it ends between you and her, just stay away from relationships for a while, for your sake.

>>17956961
you can also try remaining friends with her after. if she doesn't want to, least you tried.

Thanks. I think it might be too early to call it quits. I've never been in a relationship before and I never really loved anyone in that way. So I'm just really confused over what I'm feeling towards her. Was it loneliness? Lust? Feeling desired? Or was that genuine attraction?

But I do think she should know. I feel like half the time I'm just pretending to be happy as to not make her feel sad. I just really want to get it off my chest.

The problem is that she's having exams for the next few weeks and is already stressed about it. She comes to me for support and I give it to her. I don't want to add to her problems right now but at the same time I feel like I can't keep it bottled inside me no more.

As for the friendship part, I think I would have preferred that to be honest. In fact right now I probably think of her more as a close friend than a lover. But putting someone I've been intimate with into a friend zone seems extremely hurtful.

As for the depression part. I told her early on that I've been depressed before, but at that point I was fine for years. It seems like the stress of entering my first relationship, the anxiety that comes with sex and meeting her friends and social circle was just too much and fucked me up bad.

But then there's part of me that thinks I'm just using depression as an excuse as to why I don't feel entirely happy with this relationship.

talk to her about an open relationship maybe

>agonizing this much over a two month long relationship
just break up
she'll be fine, I promise. Sometimes in life bad shit happens, that's just how it goes. Don't treat her like a fragile doll that will shatter with the slightest touch. Do what you need to do and break up with her.

>>17957019
I see.

hmm.. i dunno what to tell you anon.. this sort of happened to me.. not exactly the same way, but very similar.. i just wanted to move on from an ex, so i met an online friend, we got along, but i really didn't love her, I just enjoyed talking to her.. i felt so empty inside though. actually extremely depressed at times in her company.. and i kept trying and trying, but i just didn't feel compatible with her.. i wasn't even mentally stable enough to be in a relationship.

but what i realized is.. if you feel fear or anxiety with the person you're with. that is not supposed to happen.. you're supposed to feel loved, supported, appreciated, wanted, happy.. I feel people make a poor decision trying to destroy that anxiety thinking "it's just a fear to overcome", it's more than that. It's your body giving you a warning, "this person is not right for you", or "you haven't established anything serious with this person".

I'm not feeling too good myself, anon. Hang in there bro.

>>17957431
the girl n i never became a couple, never had PIV sex, but in a way, I'm glad sometimes that it didn't happen. It may have gotten much worse.

>>17957431

Thanks bro. I think that's what happened to me to. I was telling myself that it's just the anxiety or growing pains, when it seems really clear to me know that I just don't love her in that way.

And it's just like you say, I know I should be happy but instead, most of the time we've been together I've been just feeling worse.

What really hurts me though is at the start of this relationship I really felt it. We slept on our first date and I was going crazy for her and it just fizzled out. She was initially reluctant to date me, but I was persistent enough and she warmed up to the idea. So that's the reason why I feel so guilty about it. I was the one who brought all this mess upon her.

Lastly, she has exams right now that will last for another few weeks. Should I talk to her now? Or wait until it's over? I don't want to cause her additional stress right now.

>>17958444
either way it's gonna cause stress if you think about it..

"hey i gotta go, sorry about the upcoming exams"

"hey i gotta go, oh you passed your exams? that's great I'm dumping you"

there is no right time, or right way.

i had a gf try to dump me on my birthday, i destroyed my laptop that very day by throwing my phone at it. She ended up dumping me two days later. Didn't make it any easier.

if i was you, I'd just focus on work and give it time.. you may look back at this relationship in disappointment with your decision.

Is she physically unattractive to you? Is something about her attitude out of place? There is the potential that you simply aren't ready for this right now, but she really isn't a bad option for you..just not now. Some people simply take depression meds n ride it out, not what I recommend. What do you really want?

>>17958786

Thanks. Physical attraction is a large part of it. When we first met, I didn't find her to be my type, but something about her was weirdly cute to me and pulled me in. Over time however, I began noticing more about her looks that I didn't like. I thought that maybe with time these feelings would lessen and I would become more attracted to her (there were times when I felt strongly attracted to her) but that didn't happen. There were times when I could look at her face and find her beautiful. But lately I just don't feel the same level of attraction I used to and I find other women way more attractive. I feel that I'm being extremely shallow for feeling this way and it adds to my guilt.

When it comes to her personality she's great. But as I began to know her better I realized we didn't have as much in common as I initially thought. I find it difficult to engage in conversation with her on topics I'm truly interested in and we mainly talk about benign stuff. Not to mention, I'm more of a driven, goal oriented person, whereas she values personal relationships and friends more.
Lastly, I spent several years abroad and just recently returned home. So at times I feel culturally alienated from her (as I do with most people in my home country). So at times I have literally no clue what she's talking about when she mentions things that happened locally, popular movies or people.

I agree that you need to be honest with her and you need to look for happiness for yourself. However, also consider that you might have a deep, subconscious fear of sex, relationships, and emotional intimacy that could ruin any relationship, not just this one, and also consider that you might not be ready for a relationship at all.

>>17959028

Yeah, I thought that might be the case. I was extremely happy around her at first but as soon as thing began getting more serious I started to retreat.

I don't want to get into another relationship right now. Rather I would prefer to be alone. Looking back I was much happier being on my own than having to care for the well-being of another person on such intimate level.

I considered going for therapy for some time now. I think it's probably best I make a serious effort to fix this, as I fear this is more to do with me, than with her not being a compatible partner.

As for telling her about this, I don't think I can talk to her right now. She ends her exams in 3 weeks from now. I'd rather power through it and let her know when it won't affect her studies. It would be shortly before valentine's and her birthday so that sucks too, but it won't affect her as much as potentially fucking up her grades.

>>17959081

Therapy is a good idea, and waiting until after her exams is also a good idea.

>>17959092

Thanks. I will give myself some time then. Perhaps my feelings will change within that time.

>>17956803
Idk. I lost a 3-year relationship over a year ago and I still have trouble trusting or caring about other women. I'm very good at faking it to play the part, and lately I've finally found someone else who seems interesting enough to consider longer-term involvement, but I still don't really feel much. Might be partly just maturity, though. Caring too much is unhealthy.

>>17958852
...the more you talk about her, and yourself.. the less i really feel i have to say.. you don't feel in sync with her. that is very common.

you will separate eventually, and perhaps you aren't cut out for monogamous relationships? not everyone is.

but maybe your guilt is the driver making you feel like you are undeserving of her.. which is simply false, if that IS the case..

you do her no harm, you have done yourself more harm, for her sake.. just think about what you wanna do/say carefully.

>>17960177
on second thought.. you would probably make a great partner to someone someday.. but maybe today is not that day.. if you are unhappy..

>>17956803
Well I'll have to date and marry a girl I won't love in the future OP if I don't want to spend my life alone. Btw any tips to live with someone you don't truly love?

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>>17960044

I can totally understand that. I've never been in a relationship before, but I've known loads of people over the years and formed lots of friendships during my travels. All of them however ended when I had to move again. In the meantime I had some deaths in my family happen while I was away. With time I became less and less involved with people. It's like I'm putting up a barrier in order not to have to deal with the hurt of losing people.

>>17960177
>>17960191

Thanks. I think you're right about us. In fact I had this feeling that this relationship will have to end at some point from the very beginning.

Things are actually good between us. We go out together, have fun, text every day, never get in serious arguments and we're both supportive towards one another. I do genuinely care about her as a person. But something just seems to be missing. I no longer feel the same magnetic attraction I felt at the start and emotionally I feel like something is not there either.

Some people told me to just stay with her for now, live in the moment and just enjoy this relationship for what it's worth. In fact she told me that herself too. But I'm not sure if I can do that. Knowing that this relationship has an expiration date stings and I'd rather be with someone I could see myself being forever with. Maybe I just have a romantic idea of love that doesn't match reality. I don't know.

>>17956803
>"""""""""forever alone"""""""""
>dating this girl for two months
>We still have sex

every time

>>17960263

Is this an arranged marriage of sorts? Or do you just want to take the first person that is willing to marry?

Honestly I don't think that's too bad if you have the right attitude. I actually remember reading some studies that people in arranged marriages are actually happier than regular couples.

We live in times where there's an abundance of choice. I met the girl im dating in Tinder and with that being my first introduction to dating it kind of screwed my outlook. Right now I feel like the perfect someone might be just around the corner and I'm missing out on it by staying in a relationship that doesn't truly make me happy.

But I think if you present yourself with the idea that this is all you get and this is who you will be forever the o think it might actually be easier to fall in love with that person. If you were stranded on a desert island would you really worry about compatibility or attraction? Or would you try and love that person regardless?
As for how to make it work. I guess it kind of comes naturally. I'm sort of a nice dude. I like doing people favours. I don't really like to argue. Even when I'm not feeling love, or not feel particularly attracted I still try to be nice and warm towards her, simply because that's how I want to be treated in return. There are some dicks in the world but most people respond positively to kindness.

For me however acting this way result in guilt. It's not that I'm trying to manipulate her, but I think my acts of kindness can be mistaken for love. At the same time I don't want to treat her coldly just to make a point, because that's not who I am either.

>>17960346

I totally get how this sounds. Before we started dating I was so starved for love that I was willing to take anyone. But it's almost like being alone for so long fucks up your expectations of relationships. You expect so much that when you finally taste the real thing it's nothing like you imagined.

Sex was actually my greatest disappointment. I thought it would feel amazing, but apart from getting a climax I don't actually feel that much. Making her orgasm is actually the part I enjoy the most.

>>17960349
No it's not arranged at all. I'm a free person. Thing is I'll never love a girl anymore because reasons, and the only way of having children and thus not spending all of my life alone I have to marry someone.

>>17960372

Then just be nice to them I and enjoy it as much you can. I have no idea how it would work out in the long term though. The girl I'm with could be sensing that I'm not all there and there's been times she would become more distant. Things are fine now, but with time, I can see her wanting more passion and true love too.

How do you get along with people in general? Nowadays I find that most people like me. Since I don't want to get too closely involved the stakes for me are generally pretty low and o have nothing to prove. So being nice and kind just comes naturally.

>>17960396
Ok thanks m8