Am I a narcissist?

Cult of personality

Those people tend to be a bit narcissistic yes
Just use it for good like jobs and not like manson

>There was also a ton of drugs and alcohol. Every night we'd be drunk and high on substances and people simultaneously.

Really is a damn shame how you casually talk about having a serious drug problem. You have absolutely no idea how serious your situation is to be doing drugs like this. Get off of drugs before they ruin your life. Stay away from people who do drugs too.

Like damn that is sad OP. That is way bigger of a problem than what you were talking about.

And it blew my mind. I was feeling very high on myself at that point. I developed a sort of God complex and started getting really Shakespearean and barking commands at people and just generally being super theatrical. It was pretty funny. But the lines blurred. I carried it too far and a friend of mine who was also tripping tried to choke me out and we were separated from each other.
But people kept on recording the things I'd say. And I felt like they had to be wrong so I made sure I took it too far. I got mean. I ended the positivity that night. And eventually it got somewhat back to normal but not really.
After that I'd be tripping every other weekend and they'd still be writing down things I said. The group would get smaller though. People stopped texting me back. I started feeling pretty alone again. They got on with their real lives and I didn't. I still hung out constantly with those who didn't leave.
I really like these people. And over the last few weeks the situation has dramatically improved. But I still feel like my ego is at risk. I feel like a narcissist around them. And those who are still around encourage it. And sometimes I fall back into feeling that way.
This is such a weird thing but I'd really appreciate any input. There's also way more to it but I feel like I'm just rambling.

>>17954387
It's really not. I've stopped the drugs. I was never addicted to them just the people.

>>17954389
finishes it I didn't get to get it all in the post

>>17954380
Yeah. Ideally I could use it for good but it just freaks me out too much. I'd rather not have that kind of interaction with people.

>>17954389
Also it wasn't like we were shooting up heroin. Just mostly avoiding responsibility. Weed, alcohol, molly, psychedelics, coke a few times, but never that much. The last time I drank was a month ago and the last time I smoked weed was a couple weeks ago.

Oh the hilarious epiphanies had on psychedelic drugs. Lay off the drugs for a while, it sounds like a touch of depersonalisation. I've had it after periods of heavy drug use and it takes a while to go away.

LSD kind of had my brain parallel processing on thought loops held out of time with a fixation on the dualistic nature of creation and destruction. It also made me reflect upon the often transactional relationship of social connections.

As a result I got a little bit like, I only interact with these people because I have a deep seated need for validation and as such unless I contribute something of worth to these people then I should avoid them because otherwise I'm kind of acting like a parasite because almost everything I do is to gain the praise of others and this is a poor way to motivate myself and I would rather be secure in myself and able to contribute and be part of the creative positive potential in relationships rather than obscuring an insecurity and acting fake.

Which is a good point, but unfortunately very difficult to articulate when you are always off your tits on drugs. The people who stopped hanging out and are dealing with real life get this, they also get that basically everything of meaning and worth unfortunately happens in the mundane ordinary world of moving blocks of stuff around where the pay off is small amounts of brain chemicals.

Thing is, the more time you spend back in the real world the more you'll realise that everything that humans consider valuable is contained within it and the better you are able to actualise within it the more fulfilling, stable and rewarding life becomes with time.

It also helps with the depersonalisation which can become pretty crippling. You don't really want to be on the verge of having panic attacks simply doing basic everyday tasks while feeling that tug of an observer observing an observer observing an observer and so on pfffup pffup pffup off into infinity.

>>17954445
It absolutely is depersonalization. That definitely happened to me and I haven't used psychedelics in just over a month. It still lingers, a whole lot, and I have a while left before it's gone, but the relationship I had with these people isn't exactly new to me.

I had a similar thing in high school. And to less of a degree the first couple years in college. This is just the best example. I don't have friend groups really they're more like cults of personality. I wish I could blame it on the drugs but I only ever started doing drugs with these people.

The good thing is that I didn't build the habits outside of my relationship with them. I don't do drugs alone. I never have. They certainly exacerbated everything I was struggling with though. Going off of them doesn't solve the problems that were there before them anyway.

>>17954472
I just, never really thought of it like that before. My friend groups never got that destructive so I never considered how weird and cult-like they were.

>>17954503
Doing MDMA especially and psychedelics with other people is like that. MDMA especially with the complete relaxation of boundaries and the opening up and the feeling of connection and oneness. You talk for hours, you make new lifelong friends, you talk about your childhood issues and hopes and dreams and everybody loves it because ha MDMA. Most of my 20's was spent doing this.

Psychedelics in large enough doses are not very social drugs, but there is the whole bonding over a shared and potentially very dramatic experience. The feelings and experiences when tripping balls are so fucking intense and meaningful and profound etc it is very difficult to step back from that because the real world offers very little in comparison which is comparable.

I'm pretty sure you've not started a cult of personality. You've likely just taken on board a shit load of stuff with new people and drugs and experiences and likely as you say have a touch of depersonalisation alongside the usual anxieties and stress of being social with new people (and being choked out while tripping, and having people film you? I mean what the fuck man people learn some etiquette when tripping and don't play 'games' when under the influence like that).

It can feel a little cult like though. Because that time we stayed up for three days straight and we thought we were going to die, but then the sunrise healed us all and we decided to dance for the sheer joy of it sounds like the whack job shit that cults do to break people in, but hey - drugs.