Fucked up my life and shit, general advice or 4k pics appreciated

My best friend has relapsed at the beginning of the year and he shows up needs a place to sleep. That's cool always lookin out for the homies. When I get home from work, my door is locked never lock my door whatever. My friend is sleeping on my bed and I notice a bunch of my shit has been rifled through and my camera is out of its case, then I see my 9 mil loaded on the floor next to my bed as well as a .38 on my desk. I do not tolerate loaded firearms in my house. Told dude to get the fuck out. I am not ok with that, If you feel like you need to carry a loaded firearm in my house you are not fucking welcome.

Getting stressed out man I don't know how I feel right now. I feel sick.

Try and get a hold of gf, been a couple weeks. She got back from visiting family at beginning of the week and hasn't hit me up since. I kinda want to know what is going on. Not really interested in trying to be in a relationship that isn't really happening, reasonable if we do the breakup thing, idc, I'm a rational dude at this point, I can understand. Nothin', busy, some other time, don't want to talk. How about tomorrow. Sure I can do that I will make the time. Nothing.

Pressure is up at work. They didn't really have structured rest periods before but manning the grill for 6-7 hours nonstop is exhausting especially for a smoker. I don't even have a chance to grab a drink of water I'm getting dehydrated, irritable, pissed off.

Figured I would do something productive to release some energy. Been writing music and working out a lot, pretty much the only time I can escape my head, it's been messing with me as of late, but I need to accomplish some shit. Prolly make me feel better about things. Put my s 10 up on jacks and pulled of the drums to replace the brakes, been leaking a bit of hydraulic fluid. Whatever that was a mess out of service for a whole week and had to rebuild both of them, problem after problem. Started to get pissed off at everyone and everything. Bullshit.

Thanksgiving is right around the corner. I detest my the side of the family nagging for me to join them for dinner. Love em'? sure. But they drive me insane. Bunch of racist, stuffed shirt, top heavy fucks, trickle down motherfuckers, oh it's someone else's responsibility.

I'm getting triggered, me thinks would be the proper term.

Haven't really been eating or sleeping for the last week or so. Maybe a couple hundred calories a day, an hour or two of sleep a night. Just waking up at 1:30 and can't go back to
sleep. Stopped smoking weed. Everything seems to be rolling in and out of focus. Clear and vivid to indistinguishable blurs of color.

My thoughts are getting louder... overthinking, overthinking, overthinking. My head is racing. It all seams clear, my mind is sharp and memories I have forgotten begin to flood back. The smallest details from the last couple weeks, over the summer, last year, three years ago, a decade.

Mostly the mad memories. Loss, abandonment, the times I had rationalized suicide, terrors and horrifying screams that echo and echo and echo...

I got a five day weekend coming up. I'm getting anxious. Call gf and she actually says she is down to kick it tomorrow. Hell yeah! Maybe I'm just trippin. Dawg you just trippin. Get of work and write some music. Nothin, nothin, nothin. Next day I call her up and she sounded almost frantic maybe I am projecting my emotions. She says she went to a movie last night and forgot. Ok... but we would hang out later that night. Got a text from later saying she had made plans to kick it with her best friend and maybe some other time, but not tonight. God dammit I'm sick of this shit if I was sane I would have just stopped then and there and said bitch you don't do me like that get out of here.

Getting restless, drive around for a few hours and text some sappy ass poetry shit . When I got some of that off my chest I text her "I'm fucking complicated". Only reply I got from her that night was everyone is. My thoughts wont slow down and to be honest I got some real feels for the girl. fuuk.

End up going to a show that night. Leave for a while down the street and catch another band that is more my style. Go back to the other show to see what band was playing next and see what at this point should be ex gf sitting inside. Burn a stog and walk back to my car. Should prolly leave. Nope, head towards the venue and walk around the corner. Oh hey whats up yo? She and a few friends are hanging out smoking in front of the venue. Bullshit with them for a second, gf wont even look at me she just says hey. Kinda awkward, they all knew we were dating. I tell them I'm going inside to grab a drink and by the time I am back out they had all left. Bullshit. End up going to karaoke with some of my friends but don't really say anything. Processing. Can't think straight.

The dysphoric mania wouldn't stop. I thought I was psychic, the empath kind. Where you pick up other peoples emotions and experience them as your own. That explains things kinda, the voices in my head, are they my own I am being attacked by a mask that wears me. A mask that I have always been running from. Fight it, fight everyone, fight anyone. I am loosing my grip on reality I don't believe this shit. Paranoia. I don't know who I am.

Thanksgiving was as expected. Hadn't really seen this side of my family in four or five years. Always had the excuse of working on holidays when I was security or cashier at the casino. My thoughts were too loud to really hear what was going on. Spoke probably twice and shuffled food around my plate before I left. Should have just stayed fucking home.

I end up seeing gf on Saturday night at a venue downtown. Greet her and her friend, bullshit for a second talking to her friend about a conversation we had a couple weeks ago in absence of gf. Leave for a second and approach gf and ask if she can talk for a second. NO. Whaat? Ok... I don't get it. Run into a friend of mine who I found out had a thing for her before she was with her last ex. Got really fucking drunk. Called her a couple times, ended up texting her at one in the morning "I love you."

Woke up early. Looked at my phone and smiled. Wrote some more shit poetery and sent it. Fuck my life I'm such a bitch. I came to the realization that I had to break up with her on the text message. That shits hella lame. Got a text from her around three in the afternoon "sorry I don't feel the same way"

Yupp. Chilled out for a second distanced my mind I was busy puttin too much shit on the back burner. Wait, wait...

Couldn't slow my thoughts. They were still spinning, always spinning...

Sent the message while I was at work. Said some fucked up shit but it seamed right or at least less fucked up at the time. At first I felt relief, unburdened. Spinning, spinning, spinning.

Talked to my friend at work about it a little bit. I am angry with everyone. Said some dumb bullshit I thought made sense. I dunno.

I started feeling really sick nausea and like I was choking. I couldn't really hear what was going on around me my head wouldn't fucking shut up. Louder and louder.

Two days after that I had to leave work and take the rest of the day off, set up the buffet and just felt like I was going to vomit. Everything was twisting, I was twisted. Twisted, sick, and evil. I deleted all of the texts and messages I had sent to or received from her unfriended her and her friends on the facebook. Deleted all of my pictures of her and places we had been. I was freaking out man. You've been worse off, times have been harder, you faced injustices, you have been alone thousand of miles from anyone you know with absolutely nothing but the cloths on your back, you have been betrayed, you have lost your best friends before to death and drugs and petty quarrels and suicide, cries of terror that echo, echo, echo... You are not fucking helping brain, you are not fucking helping anyone! Fuck off!

You can handle it mayng, shit. The past is past us staring at us through the rear view mirror. Shifting gears and changing lanes. I know it's kinda hard to explain the way you feel.

I go to work the next day. Everything is alright no worries hakuna matata? Dig? After working for four hours I ask my boss if I can take my ten minute rest period. Nope. An hour and a half later I tell her that I will be back in ten minutes. When I returned from my rest period I politely requested that rest periods be observed for myself and my coworkers, I quoted some literature off of the Washington state L&I or whatever website. I was in control. I am making changes to improve my life I am empowered. I was fired at the end of my shift five hours later. Never actually been fired before, unreal...

And I feel great. Hypo mania is an exhilarating experience. The rush, the thrill. You will fight, and you will conquer. Clarity of mind, a flurry of thoughts. I called L&I, I called the Dean, I called Health Services, I called law firm after, attorney after law firm, I called Washington wage claim project, and every service that was recommended to me. I was a victim of whats called employer retaliation and I will see justice. In two days I was hired three places, pizza delivery, cook, and package deliverer. Back on the clock three days after I was fired.

Still, I couldn't sleep. I go out every chance I have, a drink or two, a concert, find some friends to kick it with, whatever. Maybe just maybe we would run into each other and we could talk even if just for a moment; to clear things up, I want to understand. The weight I carry was back. I felt weird man, real weird. I am dying, I have cancer, I can feel others emotions like they are shouting. I am sick. I feel weird man, real weird.

Tap, tap tapping on my shoulder and no one is there. Another concert but I can't stay in this place for long. Cries for help. Restless, wandering. Who needs help? I can hear you. Walking, looking, walking. There it was, the voice. I turned around and when I meet his eyes I almost cried. This was who I had been looking for. I recognized this man I had never met before. I offered him a smoke and asked him if he was all right. Tears rolled down his cheeks as he told me his mother was dying and his father had died earlier this year and how he had no one to reach out to for emotional support, his friends were unsympathetic and he didn't know anyone that could confide in. Before he left I told him, everything living is dying, everything dying is rotting, everything rotting is the greenness of the grass and the fullness of the trees. The greenness of the grass and the fullness of the trees my brother.

I am an empath I guess. I don't understand anything anymore. I don't know who I am.

Nah man fuck that you ain't into that crazy psychic jib jab bullshit. Figure it out. Hours and fucking hours, over the course of a few days, I self diagnose as BPD 1. Likely have had it all my life. Makes sense, adds a few things together that have happened to me in the past. I am experiencing whats called a mixed episode. I am not an empath, I am projecting myself onto people around me as a coping mechanism. My head is racing so fast I am imposing connections that are unrelated and making false assumptions. I am making a fool of myself. It is very possible not to exhibit any symptoms of BPD 1 outside of episodes.

Literally experiencing every symptom.

Tap, tap tapping on my shoulder and no one is there. Another concert but I can't stay in this place for long. Cries for help. Restless, wandering. Who needs help? I can hear you. Walking, looking, walking. There it was, the voice. I turned around and when I meet his eyes I almost cried. This was who I had been looking for. I recognized this man I had never met before. I offered him a smoke and asked him if he was all right. Tears rolled down his cheeks as he told me his mother was dying and his father had died earlier this year and how he had no one to reach out to for emotional support, his friends were unsympathetic and he didn't know anyone that could confide in. Before he left I told him, everything living is dying, everything dying is rotting, everything rotting is the greenness of the grass and the fullness of the trees. The greenness of the grass and the fullness of the trees my brother.

I am an empath I guess. I don't understand anything anymore. I don't know who I am.

Nah man fuck that you ain't into that crazy psychic jib jab bullshit. Figure it out. Hours and fucking hours, over the course of a few days, I self diagnose as BPD 1. Likely have had it all my life. Makes sense, adds a few things together that have happened to me in the past. I am experiencing whats called a mixed episode. I am not an empath, I am projecting myself onto people around me as a coping mechanism. My head is racing so fast I am imposing connections that are unrelated and making false assumptions. I am making a fool of myself. It is very possible not to exhibit any symptoms of BPD 1 outside of episodes.

Literally experiencing every symptom.

Then I have this dream. An old man with a tattoo running from his left shoulder under his collar over his ear into his greying hairline. I didn't even look at him. but I knew. There were no sounds in this dream. Only a bench facing an off white wall. I was in jail. Had this weird feeling when I woke up, I knew I was going to be arrested that day. DUI. Nah man that's retarded you are not fucking psychic you are being paranoid and fucking delusional. Get over yourself asshole.

Forced myself to eat a whole meal. I had lost some weight and need to put some of it back on. Went out to a show that night and had two beers and two drinks over four hours. I was planning on listening to a friend of mine's electronica project and dancing for a few hours to ride off the alcohol, had a couple of doobies in my pocket if I wanted a buzz later in the night. Turns out dude was too faded to play his set and I had just spent my cover on some whiny, bitchy, angsty fucking indy pop rock shit. Hung out and bullshited with some friends about hallucinogen trips from back in the day. Left the venue bout an hour and a half after my last drink. Honestly didn't think I was too drunk to drive, but when the boys in blue pulled me over, they had something else to say. You blew a 0.13 son. Put your hands behind your back unless you'd rather bend over and grab your ankles so we can fuck you right here and now.

Fucking unreal. Felt like I was dreaming.

Whatever. I am postdroming now. Doesn't matter. All in stride. Fortunately I didn't loose my job. It's going to be a bitch to travel to Canada but all in stride.

A week or so passes and tomorrow is Christmas Eve. Couple friends drop by my place with some beers and we decide it is a kick ass idea to get a couple hits of LSD. Been a long time since I tripped and my head is definitely ready to put some shit behind me.

Finally on the way back to my house and we drop a tab a piece. Christmas lasers are fucking dope, everything was so surreal and it felt good to just dwell in the moment. Walking for hours and hours without a destination. One of my friends is starting to get paranoid after his blackout drunk ex fiance calls him. He hadn't told me he had almost zero experience with hallucinogens. Keeps trying to wander of by himself. That's cool i have trip sat before. We decide to call it a night and we crash at my place. Ten minutes later dude puts on his shoes and walks out of the house. My other friend and I look at each other, what the fuck hell nah! We make our way out to the street where dude is standing next to his car. He tells me: I'm over it, done. It's done. What is going on man, you will be alright. I called my dad, he is on his way to pick me up. Ok,ok. You got to do what is best for you. Come on let's wait inside, come on inside man it's fucking freezing out here. No, I'm done, I'm over it. I'm over everything.

Six thirty the morning of Christmas Eve 24 degrees. We stand outside for an hour waiting for his dad trying to pull him out of his paranoia. His phone rings and he strides around to the other side of the house where his father pulled up. My friend and I talk for a moment and I try to call him on the phone, he doesn't pick up. He's with his pops, he be aight.

The next day I found out he had jumped out of the car after they got of the freeway and booked it into the woods out of town.

It's been almost 96 hours.
Any advice on anything would be appreciated. Also 4k Images would be cool.