Silence or niceness?

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>>17893236
OP, ask this loser where he has been and TELL him it fucks you off. Frankly, its rude and not good enough.

>>17893260
Hey, thanks!
So far, what I have already done is tell him
1. I can't just do hookups or be friends with benefits
2. If he wants to keep seeing me, he has to get in touch with me almost every day, so I feel like he is present in my life.
3. I completely understand if that's not what he wants, and respect his decision either way.

I think if he vanishes for five days, I'll just tell him I wish him the best and move on, no more chances. But I'll do everything super nicely, so that he doesn't feel guilty-- we are different people whose styles of interaction aren't compatible. No one to blame.

>Silence or niceness
Neither, react normally as you would any other person you're close to.

>This makes me sad, and he knows it.
Slightly weird but fairly normal and common. Separation anxiety is more common in girls, and tends to be a result of being overly dependent and needy, but it could just be standard missing someone.
However the fact that you're taking it so seriously that you're posting about it makes me think that either 1. Your relationship is one sided or 2. You're a little bit mental

>instead of "punishing" him with silence and coldness
If you're punishing someone for going to work or staying at a friends for a weekend you're just mental.

>Is this the best approach?
No. You're not responsible for him nor do you have onus over his choices, hence you don't get to punish him.

All healthy relationships have both compromise and expectations, but punishing someone basically means neither are being considered and you've went full retard.

>>17893318
Has he explained why he "vanishes," or does he just leave you guessing where the fuck he is and what he's doing?

>>17893318
3. I completely understand if that's not what he wants, and respect his decision either way.

>I think if he vanishes for five days, I'll just tell him I wish him the best and move on, no more chances. But I'll do everything super nicely, so that he doesn't feel guilty-- we are different people whose styles of interaction aren't compatible. No one to blame.

Nevermind, you're clearly level headed and know what you want out of it and where you stand. Ignore my last post. Like you say, you have different wants.

no this is not the best approach because you're allowing him to walk all over you. You're making him the prize and allowing him to do things to you without punishment. You're like a puppy that is always going to be there for him no matter what wrongs he does to you.

>>17893322
>>17893328
Hey, thanks for the follow-up. I'm glad I'm not crazy :)

>>17893327
No, no explanation, just a "sorry it's so late" at best. He's quite darling when we're together, but it feels a little dirty to be romantic with someone who just pops up and vanishes. He tends to vanish after we've had a particularly good time. I'd understand a day or two, but more than that, I just feel a little bit used.

>>17893353
Well, my approach is to be nice and sweet with someone as long as I do have patience and hope for the relationship-- but if they keep up doing things I told them I don't want, I'll nicely tell them I won't see them any more.

>days at a time
>serious

no.

serious is, "I'll call you in a few hours, I'm working" (he does so), "txt you when I get there" (he does so), He tries to be by your side as much as possible. Otherwise, he's either a soldier in some foreign country or messing with you.

Tell him you hate it, if he doesn't change right away, move on.

>>17893789

>tries to be by your side as much as possible
>otherwise hes messing with you

as false as it gets. not everyone wants to be sewn at the hip, especially early in the relationship. people liek to have 'time off'. they are happy to go home and just relax in front of the TV or go for a walk without having to be like 'WERE BOTH FREE RIGHT NOW SO WE HAVE TO BE TOGETHER'.

soem people are more independent.

this isnt a case of OP being an evil crazy bitch or her boyfriend being an evil player. they are just two people with two different life styles.

>>17893236

im curious, does he just not respond when you text him? how often do you text him? what about? what does he do for work? what does he do socially? give us context.

querstions aside, it sounds like what i said above you two just want different htings. its a little off imo that you are just beginning to date from what it seems (as in, trying to date exclusively) but you're hung up on not being a permanent fixture in his life yet.

you have to remember it takes time for people to incorporate each other into their lives. people dont just autoamtically make you the center point.

but as a general rule neither of you are in the wrong you just want different things.

dont punish dont excuse, jsut decide what yo uwant and leave him if its not.

>>17893843
>two different styles

which makes them incompatible. fuck the bullshit. things either work, or they fucking don't. trying so hard to salvage shit that started on a shaky foundation isn't worth entertaining.

seriousness is proven by BEING THERE.

>>17893854

>which makes them incompattible.

possibly. relationships involve compromise. im not saying they SHOULD compromise on this if their respective lifestyles are important to them, but that doesn't make them a deal breaker off the bat. based on OPs reaction i would agree though.

>seriousness is proven by being there

this is where we disagree. incompatible doesn't mean one person is right and one is wrong. their relationship is just beginning. they are just trying to date exclusively. most people only see their partner once a weeek because of that.

>B-BUT TEXT MESSAGING EVERY DAY IS IMPORTANT

says the millenial, who didn't date back before we had cellphones glued to our hands. its perfectly normal to check in here and there and just meet up for dates. and in some cases, a 5 day silence is normal.

OPs boyfriendi s not in the wrong for being this kind of person. the same way OP herself isn't wrong for being the kind of person she is.

>>17893902
>sais the millenial

male 31, no time for bullshit.

let me make myself perfectly clear. If you apply for a job today, and they tell you to be there Monday, and you show up on Friday, I guarantee your ass will be fired on Tuesday if you have any kind of self respecting boss.

Your FAMILY, is serious about you, they would give the last organ in their body, that you should live.

Likewise, someone who is commited, is THERE. Not "tired", not "too busy", THERE.

Especially at the beginning.

>>17893929

>not time for bullshit
>so heres some bullshit

also

>31
>acts like a teenage girl

if OP said 'my boyfriend keeps flaking on our dates' i could understand the issue. but she did not. she said they just started dating and wont text for a few days.

your idea of 'just starting dating' is extremely immature. again, before the cell phone age this would be normal.

if you apply for a job on Friday, he says you start Monday, and you don't get a chance to respond to his text on Sunday, you're not going to be fired.

if your boss schedules you for one week, then again in the third week, he won't fire you for not being in contact during the second week.

'trying to date exclusively' is not 'committed'. married is committed. this is two people seeing if their a match.

OPs boyfriend is not at fault. OP is not at fault. they just want different things. neither is in the wrong, one is not more mature than the other. and if one was, it would swing in the boyfriend's favor because its pretty needy to just start dating someone and whine about only seeing them every few days and then asking about whether or not to punish him,

>>17893946
dude

subjectivity: the post

goodnight.

>>17893980

im not being subjective. im being objective. i admit both are more or less in the right, they're just different and thats okay.

YOU, on the other hand are entirely subjective. saying that if people don't conform to your ideas they can't be serious about dating.

>>17893987
objectivity is about absolute right. it is entirely about conformity. subjectivity is about bringing dumb shit like maturity level into a debate about what makes someone a serious partner. which is commitment.

>>17893236
all i can tell you when i was seeing my gf on and off that was the best. best sex best times together. i need my space i need time to chill alone, when she insisted we spend more time together because she needs me i resented that and still do. we are okay together but i really which my off days back.

>>17893998

>what makes a serious partner is commitment

no, what makes a serious partner is compatibility. OP is not that comitted if her commitment to the guy is based entirely on how often he texts.

you are subjective. you believe you are right because you are you.

i believe people can be right even if they disagree with me, because different people have different values.

all that being said 'commitment' does not mean texting every day.

commitment means laying out certain terms and then sticking by then. they just started dating. she laid out her terms, he laid out his . they disagreed.

both are not committed to the other.

you have the emotional reasoning of a 12 year old so ill go ahead and let you get the last word in now so you can feel like you won.

>>17894024
le butthurt

>>17894024
Compatibility means almost nothing. Art school kids dump each other like trash all the time. Commitment, perseverance, endurance, understanding. Those are the qualities that truly keep people together. WANTING to be together. If compatibility alone was enough, /soc/ wouldn't be the absolute failure it is.

>>17894051
If anything compatibility is a lubricant that fascilitates unions, commitment is the real deal.

fuck commitment tho it's so last century. it's a retarded meme word basically.

every day i wake up and reevaluate if i should continue with my relationship or not.
it's not something unconditional. you weight pros and cons and the compromises you make and decide if you want to go on or not. that's all.

what you call commitment is just a bunch of compromises. they are a tiny part of the equation.

Hey all, OP here.

I think this thread has gotten a bit, er, senile, in its advanced age. It may be best to just let it pass away quietly. I won't be checking back-- but thanks to everyone for the exciting discussion!

>>17893946
Nah, as a guy who used to do this to alot of girls at the same time, its a bit of a red flag to just cease communication for days at a time. Especially if youre serious about the person. Having time apart is fine but its pretty suss if its often for no reason with little communication

>>17893236
Some people just want to be alone for a while.

I have the same problem, I can't stay around with other people for too long without getting stressed out.

It's not that I'm reacting strange, I'm just a bit annoyed. Don't think too much about it.