How the fuck do I get over my past >In middle school >Bullied

Like how the fuck do peoples words affect me this bad. It's not like they physically assaulted me.

I'm trapped inside my head and it's tricking me into believing everyone wants to get me. I know it's all bullshit but I can't fucking control it. FUCK

>>17861052

It isn't just words. It's the enviroment you were in.

School always sucked because it was mandatory, and like any underpaid worker, teachers are all too apathetic to really intervene.

So you're trapped, day after day, with no one to help you because "it's just kids being kids, they'll get over it", around a large group who's sought to alienate you and target you.
You've spent years second guessing everything because it was clear there was a target on your back. If someone is nice, you're forced to ask why? How does it help them hurt or humiliate you?

It's very similar to being in a jail, to people like us. Isolated, cut off from the rest of the world, loss of freedom.

It takes it's toll. You get paranoid, can no longer trust others. You develop anxiety and that turns into agoraphobia. You seek to be alone, finding comfort in very few places such as your bedroom. Isolated long enough, you may even develop cabin fever. Your social skills deteriorate further, and social interactions become an even more unusual occurrence ~ amplifying the anxiety when they do occur. Eventually, you can no longer trust even your own family, and feel uncomfortable around them.
It's very damaging and there is very little help for people like us. Worst, even if there is help, how can we trust it - when we can only trust ourselves?

Social anxiety and agoraphobia are some of the most damaging disorders around, simply because most suffers have to make life decisions that revolve around their disorder. Can't take jobs that involve too many social interactions, can't take jobs where you're out in public and can be seen. It's really difficult.

Can't help you OP. Not fixing it, but I can help you understand what's going on with you. I've been dealing with this a long time.

>>17861083
Fucking shit this is literally me. I can't even trust anyone in my family except my parents.

Can't Stand Ya???? Is that you???

>>17861096
>I can't even trust anyone in my family except my parents.

At least you can trust them. That's a good sign.
Try to keep in contact with them. The more distant you become, the harder it is to trust them.


I forgot to add, it doesn't help that the prison-like experience of school, happens during your teens, formative years where your brain is making near-permanent changes and developments as you become an adult.
I'd suspect any long-term abuse during that time in someones life will severely afflict someone well into adulthood.

Some ways I've found to cope;
>Develop rules for social interactions that work for you (everyone is different, but I'll tell you a few of mine; don't speak unless spoken to (or unless work or business requires it), don't get too personal (unless they do it first, then they've shown it's okay), don't care about anyone more than they care about you, etc).
>Smoke (I don't really care about living longer). Lets say, family or work has dragged me to a party or a bar, a very social and crowded place that's likely to make me uncomfortable. Most places don't let you smoke inside, so it's a good excuse to leave for a few minutes to catch your breath. The irony being that smoking helps me breath when I'm feeling suffocated.
>Have a routine - it brings comfort.
>Go to a shop each day - even if it's just for another pack of cigarettes. Being outside is good for you, do it enough, eventually you might get better, but just in small amounts it can prevent you from getting worse.
>Talk to the cashiers. You social skills suck. No two ways about it. Practise small talk. Don't worry about them, they're paid to deal with crazies, they work in the service sector.

>>17861046
>>Everyone still makes fun of me
Never run. Never flee. Never show your back. Once you do that, you do it forever.

>>17861113
currently my biggest issue is trying to get through school. I got back after a year long break on Jan. 17. I just want to get through a semester without dropping all my classes, that's all.

But even then if I get my degree, I'm sure I'll be able to pass the initial coding interviews, but HR interviews scare the shit out of me. HR people are fucking asshole socialites, I don't think I could handle their presence

>>17861140
I fucking tried that, and people just continued to make fun of me. I stayed on the same hockey team with the same kids for almost 5 years before I finally was fed up with their bullshit. Every day, I'd get shit thrown at me, get in locker room fights, would get my shit stolen, and just fucked with. Nothing I could fucking do would stop them. I finally had to fucking stop as soon as I dropped out of high school. That's when everything went down hill.

I used to smoke weed to cope with it, and drink, but both of those things started to become a serious issue and now I stay sober

>>17861142
>currently my biggest issue is trying to get through school. I got back after a year long break on Jan. 17. I just want to get through a semester without dropping all my classes, that's all.

What I did, back then, was simply spend all my free time in the library reading everything from comics, to horrors to true stories about drug cartels. Anything and everything.
See, social people don't like libraries. It's too quiet to be social there.
It was the perfect place to hide.

Essentially, you're trapped with these people and they are never going to change their opinion of you. You're an easy target. and you're outnumbered. The best bet is to hide. Don't let them see you or know where you are.

Classes, in the grand scheme of things, or short. Try to sit on your own, at the back behind everyone - this will make the teacher more wary of you (assholes tend to sit at the back because they think they can get away with shit there) however, the biggest threat to you is other students. They can't see if you are behind them.

In lieu of a library, you could always ask teachers and professors if you could use their empty classrooms to work in during breaks or any free time you get.
When you're at school, don't focus or being cool or making friends. Focus on survival. Become a ghost. All attention is bad attention.

Do this, then take it one day at a time. Eventually it does end.

>But even then if I get my degree, I'm sure I'll be able to pass the initial coding interviews, but HR interviews scare the shit out of me. HR people are fucking asshole socialites, I don't think I could handle their presence

I'd like to help with this, but I can't. I got my job through nepotism, and recently forced to go part time because my family no longer works there so management took the opportunity to try and force me to quit. I bravely fought it and threatened legal action, which goes against
The only advice I have is to work for smaller businesses.

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Fuck, that hits too close to home.

What bothers me the most is anyone I try to bring this shit up with dismisses me because I do in reality have a lot of friends, have always been okay with women (though this year I've been practically autistic with women because of my deteriorating social skills) but I can't remember the last time I've felt normal, I can only reflect on the bad times these days and fuck its destroying my life. I thought it was all the weed, I thought it was all the booze, I thought it was cause of a bad acid trip I had one time. No it's my fucking brain that's doing this shit.

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>>17861046
>voices in my head tell me I'm a fucking freak
oh you got bad case of monkey mind , you must give monkey mind job !
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GLjelIPg3ys
short video please watch !
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kaNO09cPS6c&spfreload=1
great vid , and short meditation at 25:40

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>>17861109

>>17861186
OP here, yeah our situation affects millions of people. It's kinda sobering when you realize there are millions like us that went through the same childhood. There's probably at least one kid at every school in America who went through this shit.

I wish there was support for us. It fucking sucks.

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This was me. In high school though I eventually learned to socialize and make friends. It might be too late for you. I would kill those people who bullied me if it were legal too, you're not being irrational. My say is to get over it, but for you that's easier said than done. Just be successful. Get a job and if you can't then create a business and start making cash. Do odd jobs and work at retail. Stop caring about others and relax. They'll respect you more if you don't give a fuck about what they think.