My bf is kinda emotionally abusive because of his autism and

>>17860316

RUN. AWAY. There's no magic combination of words that will change his mind. Just move on.

Run

Gotta be direct and firm when you bring it up. If he plays it off, be even more firm and maybe a little confrontational about it. Start with telling him you don't want him "joking" around like that, which doesn't let him play it off as a joke, and then if he keeps on doing it either be more firm and direct, as said before, or threaten to break up over it. Nobody, guy or girl, should have to go through emotional abuse like that just because the other one is purposefully obvious to its consequences or otherwise.

>>17860316
Is your name Emilia by any chance?

>>17860346
No, and I want to stay anonymous

>>17860334
Running is the final option, I wanted to see if there is any hope before I pull the plug on the relationship

>>17860356
When does he want to get married? Is it within a year, 6 months. Depending on this you can talk it out, these behaviors mellow out in my experience.

>>17860343

I wouldn't do that and I'll tell you why OP.

You two clearly have a rhythm, and in the power dynamic inside that relationship is staked against you. Can you really change it? Maybe. But he clearly dismisses your comments and your position, so I think it'll be hard for you to make the change.

>>17860361
>these behaviors mellow out in my experience.

What the fuck?! If he is abusive and isn't willing to listen when she complains, then I don't think he'll change by himself Anon.

>>17860361
Within a year or two depending on finances. I know he's capable of normal/nice behaviour just it seems to be rare at the moment (last few months)

>>17860359

I say this: >>17860369

>>17860373
Has something changed in the past few months? Do you see each other in person often, talk on the phone etc? Autistic people are very responsive for better or worse to new situations, maybe there has been a change that he hasn't processed in a healthy way.

>>17860316
>My bf is kinda emotionally abusive because of his autism
kek
break up with him

Poor guy at least deserves a sane gf who doesn't shit talk about him on 4chan. I bet he doesn't actually have autism, just how you label him when you disagree over something, like most people here.

>emotionally abusive
lol you're the one on 4chan so I'd wager he's the normal one.
Do him a favor.

>>17860369
There is absolutely reason for following my advice. She clearly cares for the guy and wants to be with him. Sometimes abusive people don't know they are abusive until things get dire. People in this thread are overreacting. If he hit her or hurled insults at her every time she brought it up, then yeah maybe she should end it, but you people give up way too easily based on what you've said.

>>17860372
Well no shit he isn't going to change by himself if he continues to do this. That's why OP is asking for advice to help guide him along this change.

>>17860385
We see each other every day (we live together) and a lot of our friends and families have had troubles recently, which I thought might have contributed to his behaviour

I know some people who are autistic, and yeah they don't understand a lot of social cues.

But they both actually listen when someone tells them that they were made uncomfortable. They apologize, mean it, and work to correct it. They may not always succeed, but they legitimately try to do better.

Even if he's autistic, he's just being a jerk. And if he belittles you and won't listen and then blames it on autism, he's using it as an excuse.

Mental illness may explain a behavior, but it doesn't excuse it. A good person will apologize and do their best to rectify the situation.

>>17860388

She tried. He dismisses her outright. Is that the basis for a change?

>anything I can say to him that might help him understand how I feel
>autism

nah

>>17860387
bull's eyes

>kinda emotionally abusive
>kinda
>I feel he kinda abused me
lol

>>17860387
Fair, the reason I came here is because my only friends that aren't ridiculously biased against him are his friends that are biased for him. He does have a diagnosis of autism and anger problems and if I was going to shit talk him I'd do it to his face, just like he would.

I'm autistic, and if he's anything like me, he would do anything to keep you. He's probably just joking, but he doesn't realize he's hurting you. Just talk to him, and he'll try his best to change.

>>17860405
>>17860388

>>17860316

Here's what I don't get. OP feel free to drop by.

If she says she doesn't like his behavior, he pushes it aside. What makes you think saying I don't like when you push my concerns aside will do? After all, he will just push those concerns aside, too.

>>17860413
If I can manage to talk to him properly about a problem we can both work on it. But this is something that we've talked about a lot and he still puts me down when he can.

>>17860397
It doesn't sound like she actually tried. Bringing it up once or twice quickly and letting him dismiss it isn't trying. Firmly discussing it with him and threatening to take action if he doesn't change is trying. So I stand by what I said.

>>17860402
>I came here is because my only friends that aren't ridiculously biased against him are his friends that are biased for him

Very funny, from the description of your bf in the OP (all negative) the anons here already have a worse opinion of him than the friends biased against him, who at least know him irl.

From one single post you already showed yourself to be irrational and biased against your bf.

Anyway good luck with your problem. I'm sure someone here can help you and not make it worse.

>>17860425

I refer you to here: >>17860423

>>17860431
And I refer you to the fact that he blows it off every time she brings it up. That isn't talking about it. That's her bringing it up and being shot down. Not the same thing in the slightest.

>>17860442

Don't get me wrong, she clearly has trouble asserting herself, too. That's why it's better to break it off.

For this relationship to work, TWO people need to change at the same time and in the same direction. One of them is fighting change and the other isn't making great progress with her case.

>>17860316
>because of his autism

This isnt a thing. Being abusive is entirely separate from autism and in no way legitimately affect one another. He is outright manipulating you to think different by blaming an illness rather than taking responsibility himself. Get out of the relationship asap, obviously he doesnt care to change and you cant force him.

Granted autism can cause someone to hurt someone unintentionally, but when called out they will be apologetic and realize their mistake instead of immediately blaming a disease or your lack of sense of humor.

>which I thought might have contributed to his behavior

Regardless of the cause, it doesnt matter. He is actively choosing not to work on his behavior and victimizing himself while simultaneously blaming you for "not realizing it was a joke". This is literal textbook abuse and manipulation. Get out now.

>>17860388
>Sometimes abusive people don't know they are abusive until things get dire.

I agree with this but absolutely no in the world should ever put themselves through abuse to a breaking point so the abuser realizes their mistakes. That is a burden worse than torture and without any guarantee of sucess, and to suggest it is a worthwhile path to take is appalling.

Individuals must be willing to change themselves. No amount of outside influence will cause them to suddenly change, they need to discover it within themselves.

You can never change a person, they can only change themselves.

he doesnt want to change, get out.

>>17860456
Again, the other isn't making great progress because he either doesn't care or OP isn't making a big enough effort to try to encourage change. There's only one way to find that out which is what OP is asking help for.

>>17860470
>There's only one way to find that out which is what OP is asking help for.

"Say it again but louder" is not really much in the way of advice. And she mentioned him having anger issues.

As I always say, you need two to tango. An abuser and an abused. She is into the role already. Without breaking away from it, any change to their dynamic sounds far-fetched.

>>17860492
Never said anything along the lines of "say it again but louder". I suggest a different approach, because clearly hers isn't working. People can change given the right motivation. You people are focusing too much on what her boyfriend is willing to do by himself instead of what she can do to help fix the situation.

>>17860508
>You people are focusing too much on what her boyfriend is willing to do by himself instead of what she can do to help fix the situation.

Have you ever actually made someone change? It doesn't fucking work. They have to want it.

And you say "threatening to take action if he doesn't change is trying." >>17860425

Guess what? Abusers always change for a few days after you say that. Then, they slowly go back to where they were, once you've lost the anger that made you act in the first place.

The best thing she can do for him is show him the consequences of his actions, let them actually sink in. If she flip flops between leaving him, but not if he does something something, she just gets trapped.

Get him out of your life. I did with my abusive ex. Life is now much better.

I don't even know what emotionally abusive means.

Sounds like a made up word to avoid having to take responsibility for handling your own emotions.

>>17860316
don't marry a person you don't want to marry

wow

problem solved


>I'm staying in a relationship I call abusive.
Is that fun?

>>17860589
Not OP but mental abuse is very real.
it is not about your ability to handle your own emotions, it is about people doing non physical things that are bad or degrading to you

>>17860316
How does he "emotionally abuse" you. Sorry to put it in quotations as if you're lying but different perspectives for people as to what things means and all. What does he say?

This is a good response too >>17860394