She Confuses Me

how's the view from orbit?

>>17858688

she just wants to know that you are OK with this and that it wont get in the way of your friendship. support her.

>>17858688
As a guy who has multiple gay friends of both genders (including my best friend, who is a lesbian)

I've got two questions

Are you a girl or guy?
What is your level of share?
What is the level of tension between you?

>>17858754
Guy.
We are pretty damn open with each other. I'm not gonna be upset hell we still love each other at some level.
Tension is high between us. She gets upset when I talk about girls, I get upset when she talks about guys. Yet she wants me to be gay at some level. But on the other hand she says she fantasizes about me.

>>17858786
Follow up questions:

Does she have any issues with her parents? (Like they don't fully accept her as gay, or she comes from a broken family, or was from a single parent family, or she lives in an area where she doesn't feel like she can be gay, or whatever?)
How old is she?
How long ago did she come out?

>>17858800
She was adopted, her parents are huge Christians. She has abandonment issues and fears commitment...
21
Since her Freshman year of College.

>>17858815

Yup.

Honestly... I've had the "maybe if it was with you, it could work" line dropped on me by lesbians a couple times, I could always see it in their eyes it was something WAY deeper than that--rooted in some fear of abandonment, of not being accepted, of feeling abnormal--that was really driving them.

I'll drop a bit of my story if you want, otherwise there's a TL;DR at the end.

My best friend... Her and I started just happened to have the same friend. One day all three of us started hanging out together, and we kept doing it until one day where he had to move away.

But her and I just kept hanging out. Fast forward half a year and some change and we're pretty comfortable as friends. And then one night we get drunk and start to hook up. We keep doing it.

At some point she starts making jokes about how her moms always secretly hoping she'll end up with me, how strangers always assume we were a couple (to be fair they did), how if in 20 years we hadn't found anyone, we should just do a marriage pact (she'd make these kinds of jokes before we were hooking up so I thought nothing of it)

Til one night where she drops a joke about what if we started over, what if we tried to be an actual couple.

It took me about a week to figure out where all this was coming from with her.


For background:
Her dad--who she idolized--passed away when she was 9.
She came out when she was in high school
She's never been the type to have too many friends
A year before I met her, she'd survived a serious car accident that she probably should have died in.
Right before that accident, she broke up with her girlfriend and all of her friends (that she had before the relationship) left her and went with her ex.
She currently had to move back in with her mom (who you could tell loved her, but was never comfortable with her being gay) because the accident required her to undergo 8+ months of rehab
She has said before was that what she always wanted was a true friend.

>>17858872

I'm relatively smart, I'm not emotionally inept, so I pretty quickly connected the dots

I realized, what was going on was, in the year and some change that i'd known her, I'd basically quickly become her rock. I was a bastion of normal in a shitstorm of crazy. I was a chance for her to be normal for once in her life, to attain the fully acceptance of her mom, to not be constantly judged, to not be constantly questioned about her orientation every time she went out and was with a girl.

THAT was what potentially being with me represented to her on some subconscious level, beyond liking me as a person (And I've seen the EXACT same confusion and apprehension with another lesbian since)

And here's the thing, I know her. I've talked to her before about her experiences with men, hell, I personally slept with her and knew what she liked even in that regard. So I knew she wouldn't be happy with me, and honestly I'd never been happy being with someone who always have a question in her heart about if she fully wanted to be with me.

It's been about 3 years since then. We went back to being platonic friends, we both have girlfriends and are in long term relationships (she just moved in with her GF, I am about to with mine) and happier than we've ever been.
>TL:DR:

I THINK the vast majority of what's going on in your friend is confusion.

This is a confusing point in her life, where she doesn't quite know what she wants, and right now she's trying to find some sort of validation, some sort of acceptance from somewhere. She doesn't want to lose what she has.

Does she like you? Yeah, probably.
But is there more than that going on her life driving her actions? Definitely.

What you should do right now is be a true friend. Be there for her, let her know you're there for her no matter what.

And when she figures out what it is that she ACTUALLY wants, and if it's you, THEN you can figure things out. But push her now and you're stepping on a landmine.

>>17858877
>And when she figures out what it is that she ACTUALLY wants, and if it's you, THEN you can figure things out. But push her now and you're stepping on a landmine.
Good post, going to echo what this anon said.

>>17858877
Thank you Anon, this is honestly all I can do. I won't orbit or praise her yet I'll just be me and a good friend. I think deep down we both like each other, we always come back no matter what. Hell we'll probably meet up again sometime for a Holiday, yet I better focus on myself and work/studying/fitness.