Vent thread

I am so surprised that stuff seems to be going well with her.

Seems like we may actually end up together in the end. But still I am kinda uncertain as to why she said "Yes"

It just seems kinda sudden for her to essentially say "Yes" instead of a "Busy" answer like usual

Maybe she is willing to and overcome her nervousness? Maybe she actually was busy in the past? Maybe she thinks that there is a chance of something?

Who knows.

Also, I seem to be very uneasy about this, in the back of my head I still think that maybe it won't work out or that we won't actually get together over break.

Maybe the fact that my friends girl backed out at the last minute is affect my perception of this or something? I don't fucking know

I see it all I see it all I seeit all I seeit all I see it all I see it all I see it all I see it all I see it all I see it all I see it all I see it all I see it al I see it all I see it all I see it all I see it all I see it all I see it all

>>17853541
Long distance girlfriend of 4 years cheated on me and then broke up with me 2 weeks before she was going to come out and visit me. We were eachother's only loves, been dating since we were 14, applied to the same colleges, planning on getting married, and then suddenly 2 weeks ago she just stops having any feelings whatsoever.

Absolutely heartbroken, still trying to salvage the relationship like the dumb beta cuckold I am but she doesn't really have any interest in fixing things. The only reason I think it still can be fixed is because she fell out of love in like 2 fucking seconds out of the blue and she's depressed and all sorts of fucked up, so it seems plausible that it would be easy to fix it. I'm trying to convince her to still come out here in two weeks as was planned, because the plane tickets are already bought, and that we could at the very least have closure with the relationship, and optimistically everything could be fixed. But she's just being indecisive and doesn't care, the only time she shows interest in not letting this relationship completely crumble is when I tried to walk out and give up and block her number, as a response to when she got mad at me for telling her that if she fucks another guy while she's "finding herself, trying to see if she really wants to be with me", then we're done for. I'm very self aware of what a beta bitch I am about this whole thing, its just that we've been eachothers lives for so long and I'm sure it could still be fixed. I dont know.

My stepdad is dying of lung cancer and I just found a bottle of 4mg hydromorphone on his dresser, and I used to be psychologically addicted to opiates 2 years ago
Honestly, any other time but now I would be completely fine with seeing this and not caring, but right now I want nothing more but to get really fucking high and stop caring. Its just so annoying.

>>17853541
I only went on this site to talk about books, and now I'm equal parts disgusted and fascinated by the overt misogyny on this and other boards I can't tear myself away. Seriously, all you guys have to get out more.

>>17853696
>she fell out of love in like 2 fucking seconds out of the blue
no she didn't, champ.

I keep worrying about my parents. My mother was injured and now can't walk or use her hands much. She is 67 and also has Parkinson's Disease. My Dad has gone full caretaker, which I'm truly grateful for, but he is now showing signs of back pain from carrying her to bed from her wheelchair. They tell me they're fine, and we have appointments setup to figure out my mothers injury, but man, I still worry. I am 200 miles away, and can't really help them, so I'm worried something might happen, and I wont be there to help them.

>>17853738
4chan has always been a place where people--mostly men--express neurotic views. Misogyny happens to be one of them. If you go on a female dominated board you'll find tons of Misandry. That's just the internet.

>she intentionally cockblocks everything that makes me happy
>she depressed so i try to be understanding
>try to do things that will improve life for her
>she finds new ways to fuck that up too
>most of the time fucks things up very happily, seemingly out of spite for my efforts
>things get totally fucked
>she blames me for fucked things until i lose my temper
>line out how fucked things are and how she's ultimately the cause for it and how I should just get the fuck up and go if she wants to live fucked up like this
>she turns over and starts crying, begs me to stop being mad and swears to never do it again
>tfw she does it again

How why what do you call this?

>>17853738
People are actively called faggots and niggers here. Everyone is repeatedly equally, ya cunt.

>>17853541

SOMEONE
>Yes, You there, anon

Please make a "Questions that don't need their own thread" Thread. I'm on mobile and would greatly appreciate.

>>17853843
>How why what do you call this?
Codependency. Abuse.

>>17853854
You can make threads on mobile

Motherfuckers in washington are All. Retarded. Vampires.
They escape their bodies energetically 24/7, pushing onto everyone else like watching a tv screen. They dont even know theyre doing it, yet they all are.
RETARDS.
None of them are grounded at all, and well shit man, you live with apes its hard to be clean. Shit rubs off. Soooooooo ready to get the fuck out.
Beautiful place, WA.
Zombie fucking energetically down syndrome cuck & femdom ruled bitchzone populace.
Stay away.

>>17853541
I am dealing with feeling unwanted (I know I'm not, I just feel it) and I'm also fighting urges to self harm but I gave my knife to a friend so I can't do it even if I gave in and that makes me uneasy

I'm 20 and I've never really used a profile pic on social media sites, it makes me feel as though I'm being judged all the time when I do have a pp up, selfies make me cringe, my friends are all stoners and we've never took any pictures together mostly because we don't go to social events and just blaze it indoors. I've currently got an attractive picture of me and my family as my header on faceyb but it didn't really seem like a profile picture type pic to me so i just left it as my header and havent had no pictures taken since. my question is how weird does this make me look and have i ruined peoples opinions of me? can i get some advice on what to do, i feel like now if i post up a profile pic itll have to be perfect because people r gonna be all over it and ready to comment some cunty things, im also worried about affecting girls opinions of me

>>17853874
Also all the men are either fully gay or at least 90% closeted.
ALL the people are pedophiles. Men women dogs doesnt matter.
Has to do with their energetic escapism, they ruin their bodies by soul'ing out, so children are on pedestals. All the people 25 and up are constantly reminiscing of high school, even all the way into their 40s. And they will talk and talk and talk and talk and judge everything and when you dont pander down to them, they are butthur

>>17853874
>>17853895
Where else have you lived where that isn't the case? You have a neat perspective about energy. I live in Washington too, if you mean the state.

>>17853885
I think you think social media is more important than it is.

I need distracting because I feel like shit, please

>>17853900
Ive been traveling thw last year so energy is more obvious to me in the habits of the populace. The soul can extend beyond the body. Dumbfucks do it unintentionally, too much tv and self loathing; escape of self. Excess weed smoke. Staying inside all the time and being lazy because rain.
Go right down the coast and people are far different, california is mostly a great place.

Transients in WA are usually p cool. Its the locals that fucking suck. Notice how most of them never leave the place, a lot NOT EVEN ONCE.
Fuckin YOOSLESS.
I'm on the south side of the sprawl atm tho, i wonder if east is any different.

>>17853871
I can't on my phone, thanks for the enlightening encouragement though there, dex

>>17853905
It is important though. I want to have pictures with loads of likes and feel confident enough to pop up to qt's, I just don't know where to start.

>>17853928
What are transients? Yeah, I've taken to walking on my commute and being out and about has done wonders for me. I kind of roll my eyes now to see how much people rely on buses and cars. People seem shocked that I'm willing to walk for 40 minutes. It's sad. They gotta get out of their little bubbles.

>>17853933
Why not?

>>17853934
First world fuckin problems.
Listen here u loveable dummy, look at insta's of pop idols u like.

Notice the confidence in their eyes. Know where it comes from? L O V I N G Y O U R S E L F.
accepting yourself completelt as you are, that from there you may change as you please.
Pro fuckin tip. Take or not.

>>17853958
ill try to think with this mindset as much as possible, havent got a instagram account but ill make one and have a look hopefully that shit gives me inspo.

>>17853952
Ppl that have come from away to visit. Foreign fux. People from montana, california, new york, korea, held this lil japanese cutie for a bit, ppl from anywhere else. They tend to be cool.
But whats funny is every1 i talked to who lived here b4 kinda warned me about washington, but they couldnt specifically convey what they disliked of the people. Me, i pay a lot of attention, so these are the things i've found after less than a year here.
It sucks too because the whole place is an autumn wonderland. Darn indyins musta cursed the land when whitey stole it away. I wouldve lived on a reservation honestly if i didnt come intending to work, and theres no fucking money on any reservations free of casino.

Travel, friend. Just go somewhere. Dont need anything but Yourself.
These fuckers are dying out here and washington is their tomb. Its in the water, chlorinated and flouridated to shit. All the people are mentally inadequate. Get out. Trust anon.

what is "feeling suicidal"? I'm pretty sure I almost want to die at the moment

>>17853955
Lol mfw i saw this question coming but it's adorable so fuck it. Autists have sweet souls, and i say this as abrasive compliment.
Will humor.
Phone simply wont upload pics, fags out at every attempt. Prolly just the browser but not gonna dl a new one bc phone is already pushin the edge on storage 247. I am living in the danger zone anon, and i am too wreckless to care. Life is pain and glory

>>17853958
thanks anon x

>>17853964
Remember not to worry about outcomes. Just do what feels good to you. Breathe, it's all okay. God loves you no matter what, whether you salt crops for kicks or rape babies. Do what feels good for you 1stly.

>>17853973
Where in Washington have you been? I grew up here and I actually love it. I've met some amazing people and I love the land and the weather.
Do you have any recommendations for places with similar climate and biomes? I was thinking about going to BC Canada and to Scotland, general UK traipsing.

>>17853980
N-n-no you're adorable, anon, b-baka

I feel dumb. I decided to go to a top teir university, 400 miles away from home. Ive been stuggling all year, and just completely bombed my calc exam. Im still passing, but if it continues like this, i might be put on academic probation. Meanwhile, my friend is at a lower teir uni, and got a 118% on his damn final. They curved his exam so much that he got a fuckng 118%. We dont get our exams curved and it sucks. Did i make a mistake by going to a better uni? Shit sucks, im not gonna look at my final grades till coming back from break.

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(23) Sit in gf's room all day - jobless.
>wake up.
>shower
>Stare out the window.
>Mind racing all day.
>Been doing this 2 years.
>indecisive.

It has gotten to the point where I will think of myself cooking or surfing or doing some type of activity while staring outside, I will even make up conversations in my head and laugh at myself. What am I doing?... I even tell my family that I've been going surfing and doing cool things but deep down I know it just happened in my head while I was bored and unmotivated.

>>17854036
Please get therapy. You remind me of my ex

>>17853993
Stepping stone'd into auburn, had to get the fuck out of there as its the worst in what i mentioned. Lived in tacoma which was realer but still had the same issues to varying degrees.
I do really like some ppl out here. Got a certain plain & frankness to them, but simplicity such as that can be a real limit to growth, and anything outside their norm is hated.
If you love washington weather so much, i honestly advise to go somewhere almost opposite to it. Trust me, you need to change it up. If in other countries, follow your heart. Havent been yet but have had friends nomad it through europe & asia, great experiences all around but u need language study to get the most out of it. Dont be that whiteboy expecting other cultures to change for Him.
Honestly, ur close to cali. Spend a few months traveling the coastline. Easy start and good to make you understand where to go next. Peace with you, I hope you go somewhere soon!

>>17854016
No, your degree will matter more than your grades do once you graduate.

I want to fuck you so bad and I won't be happy until you fuck the shit out of me.

>>17854043
P.s. worked a moving job for months outta tacoma that had me visitting the entire sprawl which is where i get my experiences from. That said I didn't see much outside the sprawl though as a nature beast I know its probably definitely far better in all regards. Dunno where youre situated.
Like i said, place doesnt suck. Just so many of the people are complacent and negligent beyond belief.
Girls slutty as fuck tho. Pretend-hidden sluts. The most obvious. The easiest.

>>17854036
Don't worry man, I've been in and out of doing the exact same shit. If it's good enough for greek philosopher's , it's good enough for us. But on a serious note you should sit down with your gf and discuss what career path you want to go down, also speak with careers advisors and do those tests that ask you questions based on what sort of things you're into and they give you a list of job suggestions

>>17854042
What reminds me of your ex?

are there therapists online or is that not a thing?

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A girl I was dating and doing really well with cut all contact with me out of the blue.

It feels like, even if people like me, they see this huge fucking mysterious flaw and drop me instantly like a shitty habit.

I've been rejected and broken up with before, but I just can't shake this off. Deep inside I hope to bump into her in the street just to see her expression - see if she avoids me completely, acknowledges me, maybe tries to at least explain what the fuck is up or/and friendzone me, which would also be alright.

I keep repeating moments I had with this grill in my head and it just seemed so damn good, makes no fucking sense to me and is genuinely mutilating me inside.

Friends and acquaintances are also tired of hearing about this, but I just can't shake it off no matter what. It has even changed my personality and hobbies in the past two weeks.

>>17854043
Auburn and Tacoma kinda suck, yeah. I'm in Seattle.
I guess you're right that I should try something else. I do like it here a lot. But a change of pace would be good for me.

If I get with this girl, I almost wanna try and get her to cut her hair short again. And maybe even have her dye her hair purple or something. (If her dept dress code allows)

>>17854154
Seattle is far more cosmopolitan, still a lot of degeneracy though. When you travel, you'll best stick to larger cities for better/more opportunities.

>>17854129
>It feels like, even if people like me, they see this huge fucking mysterious flaw and drop me instantly like a shitty habit.
I get the same thing. Lots of people have told me I'm an amazing catch and that any girl would be glad to be with me. But no girls actually seem to like me very much, even the ones who tell me that.

I'm pretty sure the girl I'm talking to now is just using me. Because the only times she actually wants to communicate with me are when she wants help with her homework. Even though we have dated at various points, and she seemed into me, now she completely blows me off unless she needs help with something. It's pretty crappy; finals happened last week, and things were going great between us, then as soon as she was done with her tests/papers (which she probably only passed because of me), it was back to nothing.

It sucks, and I wish i knew what made people not even consider me for a relationship.

how bad is an online relationship if you have plans to meet up?

>>17854261
How far off are the plans?
I met my previous boyfriend online, and I felt like I liked him more online than I did in person.
My current boyfriend I met in person. He's a minor difference so we talk online sometimes, but I don't really like it as much as in person. It's easier to talk to him in person. It feels different online.

>>17854298
approximately a year... how fucked am i?

>>17854326
Pretty fucked. But not because it's far away, but because you're being kind of overdramatic about problems that aren't even problems yet. Just enjoy what you have right now.

>>17854326
you ever heard those stories of men flying all the way to China or something, just to get stood up because they're dumbfucks who are easily catfished?

pray tell (and this will be a clear indicator of exactly "how fucked" you are), how much money have you spent on this relationship?

>>17854365
none lol. just worried it might not be the same irl for some reason, have a lot of anxiety and paranoia about things.

downloading some loli hentai and suddenly you write me on

this is not a good moment

I've recently become a wizard and I've become so desperate for intimacy that I'm now paying a girl hundreds of dollars just to see her titties.

Just wanted to get this off my chest.

>>17853802
>If you go on a female dominated board you'll find tons of Misandry.

There is a reason she didn't reply to this.

Women are literally blind to it.
They can literally go from saying "sexism is wrong" to "all men are pigs" in the same sentence and never notice it.
Pointing out the hypocrisy, only leads to screams of oppression.

In short, carry on being a cunt to cunts, because they sure as shit will never stop, so why should we?

The sooner we admit that tolerance (something our gender at least tried) failed, and only served to give more power to their hate, the sooner we can get society back on track.

I was promised a promotion when our branch expanded, but instead we got a new boss to control our branch after she fucked up a bunch and lost her other branches. She ends up giving my promotion to some new person and takes my hours away to give it to some incompetent lazy bitch. Now Im making less than before.
Oddly Ive just kind of accepted this and done nothing. I found other job offers but despite keeping it on my phone to call soon, I never do. I also have my own side business I could do, but I havent bothered with that either. Some part of me just feels like I lost all hope in the system and dont see a point in trying anymore since I can just easily lose everything for no reason. Plus its been snowing a lot and I just remain indoors now.
Im just becoming fat and losing money and just losing all motivation to do anything.

Even though I know it was real, why do I have this feeling like you fucking used me. You were talking to him all along, you tell me how you want to be done with him and know I'm the most special person in your life, but I feel like this is all I lie. I know deep down you would rather pick him over me. I hate you for getting my hopes up for something real and genuine. I want nothing more than to be with you. I wish you felt the same.

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Fuck me, this is hard. And not hard in the way I was expecting it to be. It's not the hard work that gets to me, it's finding a reason to work hard. I thought coming here would change things, and it did, career-oriented things are looking better but I'm so damn lonely and isolated that my mind wanders into dark, fruitless places. I wish I had someone to be with, I wish I had someone to share successes with.

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the good
>have a lot in my savings account, a little over 10,000 and counting
>living at home essentially rent free, occasioanly help with bills or groceries when its needed
>dont have many bills other than my car and phone
>in school, commuting everyday but its not far
>have a part time job where Im respected and appreciated, given lots of responsibilities and it fees nice

the bad
>kissless virgin at 21, trying to put myself out there but I feel like now that im older its more awkward since I live at home
>also, even if I try to put myself out there theres really no where to do it. Im trying more at college but nobody wants to hang out after class (is it me or were all those college movies about partying,bullshit?)
>I just got locked into a major I no longer want a part of and cant get out or else it means starting over
>transferred from a community college (helped with my money), not all credits transferred
>have to retake required classes I dont care about, and start fresh in my major
>if I were to switch to a new major, id be loosing everything and would graduate in 4-5 years as opposed to staying in my major and being done in 1 and a half
>I dont like my major as much anymore and there isnt much else here
>there is also no other schools around

the unsure
>social circle of old friends is dying, only a few of us stayed in town after high school and I just feel stagnated
>we dont talk or see each other much anymore, which i guess is natural but being that I have no other life experience other than this town I day dream about the past too much and I feel like an old peaked in high school man who gets nostalgic too much, and it makes me feel pathetic
>im really debating about what to do in the next year or two, Im thinking about joining the military again just to have some experience/benefits and get out on my own, but Im close to being done with school and I want to stick it out

cont

i dont think i fit at my new job, i am going through bouts of crippling anxiety and depression, where all i can do is cry at my desk and stare at the wall. its my third week and the tasks are starting to come in more seriously now. i have no idea what anyone expects of me, and i dont think i can get up to speed with their pace by this week (we have to have tasks done earlier because of holiday). i cried in front of my boss and he did not say anything probably because socially awkwardness. and that's ok. i just wish he would acknowledge the fact that i am obviously uncomfortable. this boss doesnt answer questions, just waits for his turn to speak and seems to have trouble understanding what people mean when they ask questions. i am terrified that his ineptitude as a manager will be my demise at this job. i dont want to go to someone else in the company at risk of crying in front of them and wasting time with an explanation of my mental illness to the wrong person.
i feel like i dont have the strength. i am sick of taking xanax just to feel normal. i am sick of being in my head with my fucked up memories. i am lonely but terrified to reach out to anyone for socializing or for emotional help. at this point, i feel i just have to do my best until i get fired, but then id have to make sure its documented that i have a disability? and i dont know how to protect myself against that kind of thing. i ought to just talk to the boss or hr but i cant tell when anyone is available at this company. my anxiety prevents me from asking. i am stuck, terrified, a small child that somehow landed this great job, this job in a career that i wanted 2 years ago is now mine, but i am lost and in pain and i fear i will fuck it all up and not be able to recouperate

>>17854129
small penis? bad hygiene / rotted teeth or something like that? be honest with yourself

>>17854692
>again, so fucking done with school, its no longer enjoyable since I switched schools and not im locked in and I feel trapped
>told my uncle about it, he said if Im that unhappy Ii need to do some changes,even if theyre scary
>problem isnt that theyre scary, they seem impractical
>cant afford to travel/switch a school someplace else, and if I throw all my savings into it and I dont like it as well thats a big gamble to loose

My life isnt all that bad, sometimes I focus on the good over the bad and think I have my shit figured out, then I over think the bad and worry if Im just sitting on my hands when I should be fixing it. The not knowing is what drives me up a wall

>>17853548
Any input?

I want to have casual sex with many girls but I loathe the reputation that would give me which would also reduce the chances of that situation lasting as long as I want it to.

I'm not one to wallow in self pity, but I guess it's good to let things out.

I feel like girls never give me a chance because I'm not a Chad.
I'm pretty smart, I'm moderately athletic and pretty /fit/ but not huge (yet).
I'm unbelievably caring and would do anything for a girl. I'm easy going, hard working, boyfriend material, but I don't get a chance because I'm just average looking.
The only girls I've ever dated or hooked up with are either sluts or crazy, or both.
It drives me nuts that I'm not just a little bit more attractive. I feel like my life would be so much better and I wouldn't have as much self hate.

>inb4 cringe
Yeah I know, that's why I'm saying it on an anonymous website and why I would never say this to anyone.

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Failed 3 college classes this semester and wasted the money I had left but atleast I can move on,maybe a degree or cert wasn't something I really wanted and it took failure to make me realize what Id never love and never be good at.

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I'm getting real fucking sick of hearing about folks with social anxiety somehow managing to have SO's while I'm sitting here unable to have a meaningful conversation with any of the girls in my city. Fuck this place and fuck my idiot parents for thinking that sending me here would be a good idea.

Can you guys remind me that I did the right thing?

My brother recently hooked up with a girl I've been friends with for maybe 3 or 4 years, now. Her and I always had pretty heavy sexual overtones, though for several reasons we never ended up getting to it. I was stoked to hear that they got together, because they're closer in age and I thought they'd make a cute couple.

Well, I guess he got kinda burned. He wants to date, she doesn't. I feel bad, but her reasoning was fair. However, she's made it pretty clear that she'd date me.

In a completely unrelated incident my car was recently totaled and this girl offered to give me a lift somewhere. She brought me treats that she baked, like she often does, and was her usual flirty self. She definitely wanted me to kiss her when she dropped me off, and I didn't.

I really wanted to, but how could I betray my brother like that? I feel guilty that one way or the other, I'm hurting someone I like.

my boyfriend told me he's going to leave me if don't start believing in god

>>17854927
Bros before ho's. You did the right thing.

>>17853626

I SEE IT ALL I SEE IT ALL I SEE IT ALL I SEE IT ALL I SEE IT ALL I SEE IT ALL
I SEE IT ALL I SEE IT ALL I SEE IT ALL I SEE IT ALL I SEE IT ALL I SEE IT ALL
I SEE IT ALL I SEE IT ALL I SEE IT ALL I SEE IT ALL I SEE IT ALL I SEE IT ALL

I'm insecure and neurotic and just about to break up with my beautiful, social, wonderful girlfriend because I'm too much of a beta cuck to handle that she has mostly guy friends, including ones she's been sexually involved with.

>>17854422

Dude, come on.

You're smart. You can figure it out.

Hell, pay me half the money you're paying her and I'll teach you myself motherfucker. I need a job other than banging chicks hah

[email protected]

>>17854804

It's your attitude. That shit that you puked into that post is carried with you every day in every thing that you do. It's on your mind and people can see that.

It's not because you're not a "Chad", it's not because you're not big enough, it's your attitude. Your confidence. If you were relaxed and non-chalant about it you'd find that it'll come your way without you having to put the work in.

>>17855028

>wonderful, beautiful, amazing girlfriend
>i'm a beta cuck

You sound just like a guy that I've known for a very long time. Stop using the meme slang and pull your pants up dude.

There are better girls than her out there in that gigantic place that we call home. You're uncomfortable with something that she does and therefore you're putting a stop to it; you need to be happy one way or another. You come first. That doesn't mean that you aren't still a man.

You can do better. Forget about her as quickly as you can.

worried that I fucked my chances of getting into grad school because I think I'm going to get a B in a class

I know one B isn't the end of the world, but the problem is it's literally a class in the exact subject I want to do a masters in

even worse, I had a bad feeling about the prof from the beginning and I knew I should have switched out and taken a different class because it was a damn elective

feels horrible...

My roommate took Xanax, then went out to go drinking. I tried to warn her that it was extremely dangerous, even deadly, but I'm fairly certain it fell on deaf ears. Send help.

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>Friend I like whos in a relationship was flirting with one of my close friends at party
>even if she was single and she actually agreed to a date I would still know she'd rather be with my friend
>mfw I'm gonna be single on christmas yet again
Not even a kissless virgin, I'm 22 and have had 5-6 relationships. But fuck recently its like theres no options. If there's plenty of fish in the sea then I must be in a fish bowl or something.
I even have a decent amount going for me, I make decent money for my age (even getting a new job thats gonna double my salary), I'm /fit/, decently attractive, have good friends, have a decent car, a motorcycle, etc.
But holy fuck I've been in a pit of depression over the last few months seeing everyone happy in relationships and I'm going home to an empty bed every night. Honestly don't know what to do.

>>17855184

Don't stop moving forward that's for sure. You can't get stuck in a mindset of self-pity. You'll end up mentally stagnant and will be much worse off.

Keep working on yourself - always seek to improve.

>>17855212
That's what I've been trying to do, mostly through the gym. Shits the main thing keeping what confidence I currently have in tact. Just have no clue where to meet new women besides jersey shore trash at the bars
thanks though anon

I don't even know why I stopped eating meat. I've lost some weight and my food cravings are better. But it feels useless. Is there a real reason not to eat meat other than it feels gross?

I'm a closet homosexual with a history of stress problems. Migranes that I used to get once or twice a year have been coming a few times a month now. Failed an electronics engineering project because my hands kept shaking and I botched the soldering so bad that I couldn't fix all the mistakes in time.

>>17855232
Every vegan will tell you its healthier to go without meat though I personally call bullshit. If you want healthy meat then just gotta stay away from fried shit and fast food. Some people don't eat meat for moral reasons which I can understand but eh. If you're doing it to lose weight then a healthy diet and going to the gym will help a lot.

I hate the fact that I have no one to listen to me and also how easily discouraged I am apparently.

>>17853541
Im really terrible at school. I mean, when I actually try, and remain focused for an entire semester im really good at it, but everything comes crashing down at the end and I just lose motivation for everything. I have a pretty low GPA and have failed a few courses. Im 23 and im only considered a junior, im going to take a semester off but im really not sure what to do if I drop out entirely. My parents keep telling me to finish school but I really feel like its not right for me. Everyone in my family is pretty sucessful and I feel like a black sheep for disliking school so much.

Ive never really figured out what I want to do in life, so everything ive studied in school has been pretty boring to me. I dont know what it is, I feel so fucking lazy all the time, I want to try but I just dont and end up doing shit that doesnt really benefit me at all. I dont want to be a failure.

I just want enough to do the things I want to do in life, and everyones made it sound that the only way to do that is to get an education, and that scares the shit out of me.

It all feels like a game I never got invited to. I just wanted a sense of belonging, but seem to get myself left out. It's always just me and them, and I always feel like an outsider.

Oh well. I finished another book today. It's time for another.

I hope the side effects to my medication stop being so problematic soon. They don't affect me too much at work, but just about in every way imaginable outside of it. I'm more irritable, my sleep schedule is worse now than it was in the past and these headaches are real frequent. Apparently it's common for a while, until the doctor gets the dosage right. My lack of sleep has been affecting my English a lot, too. Guess this is a price for refusing to consider surgery instead

About 1,5-2 months ago I broke off all contact with my ex-GF. After about 9 months (of which she was 1 month in Taiwan for her Exchange Semester), she broke up with me, where we also dated for about 5 months. In the summer, she had an accident where she fell off a cliff and had to undergo multiple surgeries and stuff.

I tried remaining in contact with her but she keeps stuck in my head so I invited her over to just face-to-face say that I wanted to break off all contact whatsoever. She seemed to take it pretty mild, but I hear mixed stories from friends. It's not easier that we have a huge ton of mutual friends, as well. I don't ask them about her, but lately I keep wondering how she is, and if everything is going okay for her.

On one hand, I still feel the anger of me being dumped, and what makes me feel angry as well is that some friends tell me that now she misses me, which means that while in the relationship, she took me for granted a lot of times.

It's been around 9 months since she broke up with me and I did progress and had encounters with other girls, but she just won't go out of my head for some reason. Is it bad?

I wish I was a chick magnet. I want to attract women, but I don't know how to do it or where to start. I am also short and fat, which might be a deal breaker for some women. I don't know what to do.

My life has spiraled down to near rock bottom. I'm about ready to try to kill myself again. It sucks when mental illness has legit ruined your life, and there's nothing you can do about it. Yeah, I'm going to therapy and actively trying to improve, but I have nothing to show for it. In 4 months I'll turn 21, then I plan to either become a huge drunk or buy a handgun and kill myself. Unless something actually good happens and makes life worth living, that'll be the plan.

Send help

I want to die

I want to cheer youd up today..and I'm falling in love with you

21, I just got into a relationship almost 4 months ago; I was a virgin, now I'm not. My girlfriend has intimacy issues because of past experiences with boyfriends (cheated on her and some borderline rapey stuff) and sometimes she gets into small bits of depression week by week and doesn't want to do anything. She tells me she always wants me and that the happiest shes ever been with someone is with me but sometimes she just can't be intimate. She gets extraordinarily frustrated with herself because of her issues, which makes it worse.

I want to help her break out of this mental state but I feel like I'm kind of stuck in this hole of anxiety right now that I can't really talk to her about. Her previous relationship soured for a lot of reasons but it got to a point where she would force herself to be intimate even when she really didn't want to. I don't want to go down this road but I know if I bring this up, this is where it will go. I feel terrible. Wanting to talk about it is selfish on my part but I underestimated how frustrating this would be. I love her and I want her so bad. What do I do?

Z,

Last night, you showed me your true colors; you are a pathetic excuse for a human being, honestly. Your ex-fiance is autistic and fucked up in the head(Which you are very well aware of), and the fact that he raped so would not talk to me, almost a year ago, is a proof of his fucked up character. You want to get back with him because "family"? Are you out of your mind? HE HAS A FUCKING KID WITH ANOTHER WOMAN, YOU FUCKING RETARDED WHORE. Although I must say, I am not surprised by this, not at all. I knew it was coming because you are an incompetent mother; a loser, a retard and a submissive coward. Months ago, you said you hated him and wanted to "murder him" for what he did to you, but that was all nonsense I guess.

I hope I don't meet people like you again in my life, ever. And I wish I could kidnap that kid from you because you will hurt her. You are the same person who used to cut herself because you could not handle what I had to say to you. And also, not to mention, your mother's pedo friend had a pics of your daughter in his phone because he liked her, and you justified that. Getting into a new college won't change anything, and also, stop trying to be "Islamic"(your new weird cultural/religious obsession, btw) and stop wearing that stupid rag on your head, it's not cool, it's not "spiritual", it's cringe-worthy and repulsive -- let me just say this with all honesty, you are a white trash. Period.

I should have never dated you, especially someone with the history of cam whoring. That was a big red flag. God, I was such a fucking Idiot.

I fucking hate you. Go fucking die, you piece of garbage.

i swear, spinning is not winning, but i felt like when doing it with the first and only j i ever wanted in life, it was like an unforgettable rollercoaster of ups and downs lefts and rights loops and hoops plus it felt like we experienced so many different lifes and romances together. Whether in pain or pleasure, we made it together until separated. I miss and love you, Jonass, even tho you're the definition of a sociopath and I think it's mostly the spin that gives me a win with you until you become nice out of nowhere from drug retardation or something haha. Love you, retard kid. xD

also, if you're ever gonna play a person don't fuck with the cusp or someone who is willing to partake in their own pain as pleasure man.

I didn't try hard enough in highschool, played too many computer games and fucked around too much. Now I'm going to get my results which I won't be happy with and will have to face the fact that I'm no where near as good as I think I am, and that there are countless people my age who are better than me and who will achieve greatness, while I'll be doomed to mediocrity due to my laziness, and my inability to make the right decision between short term enjoyment and long term happiness :(

What is this? What do you want from me? You know how much I still love you. Why do you keep doing this to me? Toying up with my feelings. It hurts fucking so much.

I can't even bring myself to vent on a fucking anonymous image board. How many other people are feeling thr exact same way as I am right now, and how little does it matter? Fuck this. I want all my emotions to disappear.

>>17853541
I just feel a little sad is all, I'll be better soon

I'm just really tired... If this life was just a simulation, I would be so relieved and I don't have to care if I lose. I made so many fucking mistakes. I'm not really depressed. God no, I've had a lot of negative thoughts but I was never tempted to jump in to that kind of chaos in my mind. I simply didn't care. The only thing is that, life stirs you so much you can't even keep up with it and the next thing you know you're very exhausted that you just wish there's something else out there, an alternative, a shortcut. Well I mean, there is but it's only for people who born rich. And there are also other people that are extremely smart that they actually used their smartness to take a shortcut. Maybe that's just how it is to exist.

>>17855844
Did they "reach out" out of the blue?

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I am tired of life, and I want to die.

Things looked like they were improving last spring, but now that the year is coming to a close, the dreadful feeling of directionless, and pointlessness is coming back full force.
I don't know what I want with my life, other than just to be finally done with this.
The only source of genuine happiness I had was the company of my cousins, and I can't even see them anymore after the relations between me and my aunt broke down.
I am so god damn lonely, and the only social circle I have, outside of my family, is about to break down due to this course I have been on ending within few weeks.
I'll be once again, all alone here, with only this fucking site to keep me company.

I just don't see the point in any of this. My depression is overwhelming me, and I can't find an escape.

>>17853874
WA native here. Get lost you filthy fucking transplant. My property taxes are through the roof because of all of you faggots moving here.

>>17855027
>>17853626
Even now?

>>17853541
i can't stop thinking about my crush even though she is super not interested

I've had serious depression for years and have had multiple failed suicide attempts, all because it's hard to be precise when you have so many tears in your eyes you can't even see what is right in front of your face, and you cannot keep your arms still, too shaky and unsteady to be able to tie that rope in your hands into a proper noose, and in the end all you end up with is two sprained ankles and a stiff neck. Everyone I know thinks I'm this pessimistic, emotionless ass of a human being with nothing nice to say at all, that I'm some lazy obnoxious ass of a human with a huge ego, unable to control even the smallest bit of jealousy, and goes out of my way to brag about whatever little thing, with nothing of value to be said whatsoever. I've literally been tortured my entire way through the school, being forced to put up this narcissistic asshole of a facade to prevent myself from getting hurt, which was the only thing keeping myself from having tried to end my life more times, in ways that are less difficult to fuck up, and would probably be dead if I were not to bottle up and hide everything about me. I don't even do anything with my life anymore, I haven't felt anything, not happiness nor sadness for years.
Part 1/2

>>17856197
I look at myself and see this huge waste of human potential, and feel bad when I see people succeeding, because my own problems keep me from being able to do much. I don't talk to people, and have become a compulsive liar, being forced to come up with these fictional stories so that no one sees how pathetic and alone I am in my life. I spend a lot of time on my phone, pretending I'm texting or something so that I don't look like I'm completely alone. It has gotten to the point that I'm afraid I might do something to myself again, as I have not accomplished anything, yet because of this facade I've built up, it feels impossible to break it down, as I have no one to open up to, no friends, I'm completely alone, trapped in my own mental construction of a fictional life so deep that I'm incapable of getting my own. I don't know anyone, I don't have any friends, I don't have anyone close to me, I can't enjoy anything anymore. All I want to do is find someone I can open up to, someone to know how much of a failure I am, for once in my life to have someone who can have pity for me, to tell someone I've tried to end my life, to tell someone I've had depression for more than half of my life, to tell someone I'm tired of being so goddamn alone, but I can't because I don't have anyone at all.
2/2

I want euthanasia to be legal. I have schizophrenia. I'm officially disabled and will probably never work again. I'm tired of being turned into a zombie by antipsychotics I'm supposed to take for the rest of my life.

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>>17853541
Im totally wasting my early 20s, im completely aware of it and I cant do much to change it. I work, I go to school, but I live at home. there is fuck all to do here for excitement or people to meet so I spend most of my free time at home on my computer like a stereotypical hermit. Every time I see some joke or comic about being a shut in with no GF who spends all day online I die a little inside.
everntually, it should pay off and I try to enoy mt lack of responsibiity while I have ot but I just feel like a waste. I get super jealous watching movies or tv shows about people my age with their own apartments, having relationships and making memories because this time is "the best of my life". Im scared im going to miss it and by the time im moving on ill be too old to really enjoy it, like im missing the carpe diem of this time

anyway, im gonna go watch netflix and eat junk food because ive got nothing else to do

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I want alone time from my girlfriend, but she always throws a massive fit whenever I bring that up. She never wants to stay at her parent's place and goes over to my place, and I'm sick of it.

Should I put my foot down and say that I need my alone time because all this together time is wearing me out? What should I do?

Pic unrelated

>>17853843
Been there, done that.

Fucking leave already

>>17854622
Manipulative bitches are often dangerous.

Advise here is dump her and move on, everybody manages in the end.

>>17855028
It's perfectly natural to feel like that. Nowadays, the hard truth is that friendship between a man and a woman is just not possible.

If you have plans to move the fuck outta there and start being responsible adults with common lives, then you'll be fine

Otherwise you won't be able to deal with the pressure and you'll probably develpo depression or paranoia - in which case you should dump the girl

>>17855238
Time to go to therapy

>>17855477
Yes and no.

You probably just need another woman to start a special thing with again, yet it's quite plausible too that this one person has marked you and now you'll find it hard to go with another one.

Advise here: just wait some time, do you own stuff and if you feel life you're becoming depressive, just go to a therapist.

>>17855694
>God, I was such a fucking Idiot.
Yes, you were indeed

>>17856142
I can't stop thinking about mine, but she is very ambiguous as to if she is interested

I think that stuff seems to be going well? I hope.

In the past I tried to meet up with her a couple times but every time she would agree that we should, but she was busy with family or work mostly. (Never actually met up though)

But this last time we were talking (via text) for a good portion of the day with steadily more detailed messages as we went on. Ultimately I mentioned how we should meet up over winter break. To which she seemed to respond positively with her saying "We can always give it a shot!"

That seems to definitely be a positive response, but I am still kinda concerned that we might not actually meet up. Partially because of her sudden change in responses. What could have lead to her suddenly agreeing to get together?

Eh, I guess I'll just roll with it it, and try to meet up for what ever this is. Maybe it's a date? Maybe it's not. It's still very ambiguous. She definitely knows that I am romantically interested and her actions indicate that there may be some interest with me. Her wording almost seems to reflect that as well, maybe?

Another concern is that we never acknowledge each other in person but we have no issues with text.
We'll regularly walk past each other without out much more than eye contact and a slight smile. That is the furthest extent of in person interaction

I'm honest to god just to sick of white people. They are so controlling, I can't stand even being around them. They just want to tell you how to live every single aspect of your life, and if you don't do exactly what they say, they look down on you.

Why do you only message me when you're presumably drunk? After everything, it really breaks my heart. Everything I hear from you I have this overwhelming urge to eat a gun. You know this. Do you hate me? Why do you do this?

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>>17856728
Here's a suggestion, maybe you should get the fuck away from white people?
I assure, most whites would be happy to see all the non whites gone from their neighborhoods, and countries.
Especially here in Europe.
You do not belong here.

>>17856728
>>17856761
What he said, idiot.

>hurrrrr why can't i come to white countries and collect welfare and commit crime without people getting into my business

>>17856728
Go back to your home country then, you don't have to stay near us. Fuck off.

>>17856657
have you asked her out tho

>>17856728
self deport before we send you home in a bodybag

>>17856833
>have you asked her out tho

Yea. I did and basically is what I said here >>17856706

I am very schizo but I've gained some stability after a few years of taking an abilify shot.

I don't think I will ever be able to get gainful employment, and I'm going to try to master drawing since all of my time is free time (schizobucks means I have my own apartment)

However, I fail at everything that I do, and then I slump back into lethargy and depression. I am happy now because of the holidays but I've had 3 suicide attempts and they all happened around january or february, I just lose the will to live around that time each year.

I know that I will suck hardcore at drawing, but it seems like there's a glimmer of hope to gain some respect by having something to show for myself eventually, and I won't just be that weird schizophrenic guy.

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>>17856905
Ok christ I DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO COME TO THIS BOARD I AM WEAK SUE ME LET ALONE POST...

>schizobucks means I have my own apartment)
Disability? I am having... an INCREDIBLY hard time right now myself. I have... not gone outside in a very long time. Well.. fuck... 2 months? Even then... when I do it's once a month.

I'm having a very hard time getting ANY work done. My mind is absolutely fried. It's blocked with thoughts to the point I just sit here writing for... a dozen hours straight. I can't work... not right yet.

women of my fantasies... I love her so much and I can't stop you know? I stay up thinking and worrying and my mind goes to dark dark places.

I have no had treatment at all. I did get insurance though. I have had a VERY HARD FUCKING TIME finding a psychiatrist where I live. aka middle of nowhere. The one local psych place was worthless. like, lying about my ADs

Speaking of meds. I have no idea... how do the shots work? I'm very educated on mental illness, how it works, and hot to treat most of them but I have stayed clear of treatments for this. I'm scared. I have tried so many ADs and they have no effect what-so-ever. I'm terrified of this... my own mind becoming more and more... fuck. bad.

I think this is one reason why she did what she did. She's scared of how I act at times. When I have my blackouts. When I slip into jibberish while typing. Incoherent speech at times. I'm 30. Started about... year and half. Recently has become bad. bad bad bad.

The idea that my meds might not work... or be so powerful they take away who I am. But I'm already losing that. I'm alone, I'm scared, and the idea of trying those shots, getting some financial to just HELP get me out of this hole.

Have direct number to the dr now... I can't make the call. I can't. I hold the phone, I put it down. Then I stand there, sit here thinking about it for hours. I need... the one med that worked for me, cleared me, allowed me to focus. Don't know where it is though.

My best friend who I am secretly in love with broke our friendship up. Right after I threw him a surprise birthday party.

I feel numb and I can't keep food down. I can't watch anything because it's all turned to noise. I can't play any games because they seem pointless.

I believe pain is a way to inspire growth. This is enough to change me, make me into a new better person. Problem is, for the first time in my life I have no idea who I want to be. I'm not sure who I am now.

I reviewed my friends. I once had around 25. Over the years I lost contact with them. I have certain disorders which make socialising hard and I am not the kind of personality who socialises well either. Now I count 7 people as friends. 3 of them are only online. 2 of them only friends if I stretch the term and the other two are average. Not the kind of friends I'd go to if I was in trouble or if I wanted to hang out for the day.

So, when it comes down to it, I have no friends to speak of.

So, I have to find out who I am, who I want to be, and where I'm going to find more friends. I'm not giving up. I refuse to be someone that gives up. It's the last vestige I have left of myself. Once I give that up, I've given up everything of who I am. And I will be nothing.

Yesterday was my birthday, barely anyone wished me. I guess that makes me kinda sad even though I'm not one to usually care about such trivial things.

>>17856975
I'm not afraid to talk about this at all friends, fans, amor. I'm not. I talk about it all the fucking time and people want me to shut the fuck up. It's hard...

But getting that final diagnosis? People already use this against me. They say "Oh shut up you're just paranoid you piece of shizo shit." if I worry about anything. When I'm acting crazy they say I'm faking, using it as an excuse when I get hostile thinking people are insulting me. Then when I try to tell others about how it hurts, that no one listens to me they say "Stop being a piece of ass schizo paranoid fuck." and the cycle continues.

I do not like this. I see things, horrid things, I hear things, degrading, mean things. I hear her. But always so silent, so far away. I feel fear. Anxiety. My hygiene is AWFUL right now. I'm disgusted by myself. The way I live. I'm embarrassed but at the same time don't care at all. I have no reason to I believe. It's hard...

No one takes me seriously anymore. They mock me. They mock me for being all over the place emotionally. For writing long long long messages. I know how this ends for me.

I'm terrified. I'm terrified that when I get that diagnosis no one will ever take me seriously again. They don't already.

'm an artist too. I paint all day but get nothing fucking done. It's the thinking, the distracting thoughts. Trying to do too many things at once and get nothing done.

Then, there is this LEGIT conspiracy against me right now...they try to make me look bad by triggering my paranoia, and then claim I'm faking. They have all my passwords, hacked it, using a mouse/key logger type deal, gained permissions of my account through skype, then installed server software for file transfer, remotec and remote desktop. They took thinks from me I didn't know I had anymore, possibly blackmail to make me look bad, to copy me, or to manipulate others.

No one believes me cus "SCHIZO" but... my hax0r friend who does that shit all the time helped me confirm.

>>17857046
it's okay anon
no one's wished me happy birthday for over 5 years

i'm doing fine though, i only want to kill myself 3 days a week

>>17853696
U divvy cunt what the fuck u on about psychologically addicted to opiates what as opposed to physically? impossible

>>17855080
I don't think it is. I feel like I do a pretty good job of hiding it. I have a lot of "false confidence" not really cockiness but I never talk about how I have a problem with myself. In fact I hardly ever mention anything about my looks or bring attention to it.
I don't know.

>>17857050
Hey. Calm down, man. To get the right medicine, you have to have the proper diagnosis. Be straightforward with your psychiatrist, and tell them that you have paranoia, delusions, or hallucinations or whatever else, and then say a friend you met online is taking 400mg of Abilify Maintena once a month and it works great. The shot itself is extremely expensive ($1800) but insurance will cover all of it, provided you have insurance.

As for financial help, once you have the diagnosis down, it's a matter of applying for SSI/SSDI. This is a process that could take a few months to get approved, or it could take upwards of a year. They will give you backpay for however long you've been disabled / mentally ill though.

Just hang in there, man. Talk to your doctor, get on the shot, then start applying for SSI.

>>17857046
I really never have anyone wish.

This year it was only my parents and a girl im interested in (who subtly remind me that her 21st is two days after xmas)

i hate my life right now.
im 24, almost 25, live with my parents, havnt had a decent job in 2 years. i masturbate, drink, smoke and watch porn far too often. all of my friends are doing amazing stuff with their lives or living in great places and im stuck here most nights still playing css. i wake up and struggle to get out of bed because what will i do.
im trying to complete a course to get me out of here but it seems like every step is agony. i cant motivate myself to do it faster.i hate what ive become. i used to be good looking popular, really motivated. now im an absolute loser.
i hate the uk.
i am too full of hate.
when i get off that plane i will be a completely different person. i try alot harder, i will leave my comfort zone everyday, i will stop these bad habits and remmber what i used to love doing, and go for it. i cant draw people well, but i can draw great environments. i dont want to be full of hate.

>>17857112
I'm sorry I say fucking a lot when I'm not upset at all. It's a very bad habit. I just like the sound of certain words a whole fucking lot. CUNT being a great one. NIGGER as well but... can't say that one often though.

I'm all about cunt though. Fucking cunt. Beautiful. Poetic.

It's going to be so difficult to be straightforward. Some of the paranoia and delusions I'm incredibly embarrassed over. They make me feel pathetic, that I'm a loser for thinking that way about myself. I know a good person wouldn't think the way I do sometimes. I know they are delusions. But I believe them, that they are FOR SURE. Though I know they aren't. It's awful.

That does sound expensive but I do have an insurance. HIP blue cross... so it should cover most of it yes. Still a lot of money out of my pocket which is incredibly shallow.

>They will give you backpay for however long you've been disabled / mentally ill though.
Really? That will make me feel so guilty though. But god... he things I have not been able to do, incapable of doing when I had such an easy time in the past have done a lot of damage to my reputation. I apologize, unable to keep deadlines, but if I ask for empathy for this I'm often met with hostility, insults, people saying FAKER. I've deleted all of my portfolio sites out of embarrassment, out of embarrassment for some of the shortcuts I've had to take recently to finish any work. I want to kill myself so badly...

Thanks... I really appreciate it. This has been the best post I have read on here in the longest time.

>>17857066
You can be both anon. Getting over the physical addiction is considerable easier than the psychological. The reason to getting on them is much much worse than what they do.

commuter at my college and no friends. any advice on how to make some in class? clubs are basically worthless to me, so please don't suggest that.

I'm so fucking confused.
You're always busy. Always. Be it work, your pets, family, the weather. There is always something in your way. Fuck, we live like 10 minutes away each other and you can't give me more than an hour, like once every 2 to 3 weeks. What the fuck?
What am I actually getting from this relationship aside from a negative impact on my health?
When I call out on being too busy you accuse me of not understanding that you have to do these things. You say that you aren't busy, what the fuck? That's the very definition of the word "busy". I know you have to work , I work as well. You always act amazed when see how I juggle my responsibilities and still have time to see you, or friends or whatever. You know why? Because I prioritize what I must. I make time for those I care about. Even if it is cold, or rain, or shine, I make an effort. At the cost of my own well being. But you? It's a bit windy outside and you can't fucking make it? Even the walk to my car is too much?
I find it confusing when you tell me you want me around, that you love me and want my support. Yet, I get nothing but neglect.
Fuck, my love for you is slowly changing into something else. And it hurts as it does. What do you want? The more I think about it, it's not us.

>>17857195
>You're always busy. Always. Be it work, your pets, family, the weather

Anon you're missing the point here.

They are always too busy FOR YOU. Not for those other things.

Think about it.

>>17857195
>>17857236
Don't be surprised when after you leave this person, find a new partner, they will suddenly have so much more time for you.

Then after a few weeks be right where you started.

> 18 years old
> Travelling 3 hours a day for my internship
> All my friends have a gf
> Feeling pressure from friends and self to get a gf
> Never even been close to being in a relationship

I have almost no experience at all with small talk or generally starting a conversation with anyone, but I'd like to 'practice' this when traveling every day. Though whenever I am approaching someone I can't start a conversation, neither keep it up for more than 30 seconds.
How could I talk to someone without making it awkward? Also, if the person doesnt want any contact with me, what should I do if we have to take the same bus home for the next 15 weeks?

I had a good year, but I feel even more unsatisfied than before and I'm scared that if I accomplish more goals I'll still feel the same way. Maybe it's because I still haven't really changed as a person and I'm chasing the wrong goals.

I just lost my virginity to a prostitute. I thought it would make me feel better, I thought I could just have sex with prostitutes my whole life because I am somewhat rich, but no, it makes me feel worse.

I think the problem is that I am lonely, and no prostitute fix that. She even told me "you need to get yourself a girlfriend". But I can hardly talk to girls. Fuck, man. This sucks.

I also thought losing my virginity would make me feel better, but no to that, too.

You arrogant fuck. Keep it up with that attitude. In two decades when you've forgotten about me, I'll make sure to exact my satisfaction. You'll get yours.

You think you're safe from repercussions? Think again, motherfucker. I will have my revenge.

>>17857278
What happened?

>>17857242
I'm not asking for a lot. Just that it really seems like I only see her about 1 hour once every week, sometimes only in a month.
Then she continues to tell me sweet things, to the point that they starting to sting as the paranoia eats me from the inside. I'm growing ill, mentally and physically from the stress this is putting me through. Yet, after 3 years, I stand by, feeling more stupid with each passing day.
If she wants out, then I would gladly let her go if she told me. If not, the lack of effort from her part is getting exhausting.

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>>17857166
Yeah, it's difficult to be straightforward about delusions and paranoia, but I'm sure you can format it into something easily digestible for your psychiatrist. Just be blunt, a few sentences. Don't say anything that makes you seem like a danger to yourself, or to others, that'd result in a pink slip to the psyche ward. Use common sense, basically, but be firm.

Your insurance should cover all of it, and if not, there are programs that further reduce the cost of medication.

Also, don't do anything else that's self-destructive. If you have your work saved, rebuild your portfolio, or see this as an opportunity to start fresh and rebuild your portfolio with new vigor knowing that your problems with mental health are soon to be abated.

And you shouldn't feel guilty, man. You deserve every penny of it. You know how little money goes into social security compared to tax breaks for big corporations? Everything from the golden parachute benefits for senators to the fucking F-35 program make what "we" get seem like a fucking drop in the bucket.

And you're not faking it, man. People that do that have some bizarre Munchhausen's syndrome and they're easy to pick out.

Also, one more thing, this song helped me keep grounded when I was at my worst, and I still listen to it to this day, maybe you'll relate to it ; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_iujjGCoF4g

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I love her. Many years has gone by and I still love her.
It hurts me to know that I will never love someone like her. I will never kiss someone like her. I will never share a smile with someone like her. I will never feel safe with someone like her. I will never hold someone like her. I will never be loved by someone like her.
She cannot be replaced and there is nothing I can do about it.

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Tired of the misery, tired of the drama and tired of my family pulling me back down to their deplorable levels. After some time away I've come to realize that this place isn't home and their fucked up behavior is slowly ruining me. A knot forms in my stomach when I walk through these doors no matter what I do and I always just make a straight line for my room. Even though I do my best to stay away they constantly try to involve me in their daily bitter bullshit.

I'm not one for scenes, but I've been saving my past few paychecks. I've sold most of my large belongings and my vehicle can hold everything now. I'm leaving soon, with no word, to go stay with a close friend.

I'm not going to speak to my family for a long time. The day I leave I'm blocking them on everything. They aren't worth talking to anymore.

I.

I try to focus on work and school and my future goals in life. I tell people I have no serious interest in dating and I mean it, but sometimes the whole dating thing actually sounds nice but I'm an unattractive socially inept slightly autism even if I did actually want to date someone.

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>tfw lesbian weeaboo
>tfw it is already hard enough for me to get a gf because only guys seem to like me romantically
>tfw finding a pretty Asian weeb gf would be next to impossible
>I will never have a qt Asian weeb gf
why live

in the distance a frog croaks a creek that no one pays attention to

R, K,
I know.
It's ok, seriously. I wish you would talk to me. I know all about why you are doing what you're doing.
I love you...
I forgive you songbird.

I forgive you too. I still trust you. Wish you weren't so mean to me.

The way you all lied to me though. All of you, close trusted friends. That I have shared so much with. K, you have seen me at such a low. C, you have lost your fucking MIND. You're psychotic man. R... learn to control yourself, ok? You will have so much responsibility now. You cannot keep doing this.

You... can visit. I forgive you.

I still love you. This is a lot to take in.

My brother did it too. Took responsibility for other's sins.

Wew... that's heavy.
I'm...

I miss you. I love you. Unconditionally.

I forgive you all for this.
Truly... I believe in my morals, values, and character with 100% certainty.

>>17857600
Oh, use gchat or facebook.
Unblock me.
talk to me abotu this stuff. be an adult. All of you.

Yes K, I am still more mature than you. I'm disappointed in you all... you guys know better.

<3

>>17857267
>She even told me "you need to get yourself a girlfriend"
Damn.

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My family are abusive.
My partner is abusive.
I can't make friends because I have agoraphobia and my abusive parents won't let me have any friends over.
Just sitting in my room all day alone with my mental illness.
Can't even get a therapist and people call me lazy and that 'I'm not doing enough to get better' but all the while I'm just being consumed more and more by my illness.
Too scared to top myself.
Hopefully one day I have the guts to do it.
I don't tell anyone this.

>>17853756
I second that she probably had these hidden feelings and were pondering on them for a long time

GF tells me she's abstinent. She says she doesn't have sexual thoughts or feelings. I'm so lost. What does being attracted to someone even mean then? She only likes my personality? What's the point of working out and trying to look good if I can never show it off to her?

I feel like I'm not allowed to look at her body or compliment her looks. For example when we're at the gym and she's stretching I think she was really hot and sexy but I don't want to tell her that. I feel like I have convince myself to stop liking her body and looks. I shouldn't feel guilty when I look at her. I don't feel comfortable with hugging and kissing her anymore.

She just thinks that sex isn't important and that a relationship isn't all about sex. And I agree with that, but it isn't just about wanting sex. I feel like I shouldn't have these thoughts, and when I start having to hold back telling her my true feelings the whole relationship falls apart.

>>17853885
If you already don't have a picture of yourself on social media girls will think that you're ugly and trying to hide that fact so it won't affect their opinions too much

>>17854016
It's a shit thing to say but the better the university the higher your employability percentage is

The fact that I actually have a job and I'm not exactly a khv should make me feel so much better than like 50% of the people who visit this board. But it doesn't. Because now I'm one of the 30% who can't get a gf or let alone decent friends and I still live at my parents home (even though I'm the one who pays most of the rent and even give my own mother an allowance with the little money I make)

Life could be so much better for me,but I'm not working on it.

>>17854804
Make yourself more attractive I.e a good sense of style and a complimenting hair cut and lots of confidence

>>17854993
Leave

>older than most people here
>not retarded but have issues with learning, difficult
>very shy and struggle to keep up conversation even with people I've known go years
>Even my boss has told me "you need to speak up more, just because your colleagues have a family doesn't mean you don't deserve to have a life." in regards to letting them have the shifts they want
>Don't want them to feel bad or to hate me because they are probably better at their job than me
>Only friends are my dog and a down syndrome child I volunteer tutor
>Short, overweight, acne that dieting/exercise/medicine can't fix
>Clinically depressed

I don't even know what I want anymore, I've just been an indecisive mess for many years.

>>17855924
yes

>>17857589
good luck anon

someone... anyone...

I need a friend...

Everyone I have known... all of them...

have been so cruel to me. I try to...

But I'm not...

I'll try guys. I can be strong... I can....

I'm so alone...

I... Is anywhere there?

I can't cry. my chest feels like it's caving in. Crushing me...

and everyone...

I hate feeling like everything's my fault and that you think you're right. I'm the one being neglected while you're having fun with everyone. And that you'd drop me and don't care for me at all. I gave too much, I'm the one reaching with love only to get hate thrown at me by you and those other cunts, especially E. I hate thinking about you but I can't get you out of my mind. I love that you're happy, I hate how it's not with me anymore.

>>17857887
Hmm do you have a penis or vagina?

>>17857947
but what if they have neither? what if they're an ayylmao

Well, I've been talking to this girl a fair bit, and she has reminded me of her birthday twice, several months apart

First time was reasonable enough. She asked me when mine was, and then said hers. (Also was one of the two to actually say something on my birthday)

Second was a bit more specific. We were on the topic of plans over break, and she specifically brought up her 21st birthday being 2 days after x-mas.


Probably over thinking it, but their might be something there?

>>17857921
First, get over yourself.
second... what did I do to any of you? I supported him and her. I could have been the man to drive them apart in college, tried to fuck her but I didn't. Supported them, lovingly.

This is not a gift. You guys need help.

but I forgive you with all my heart.

All of you.

>>17857942
and never anyone's fault. We all just need to love and forgive

It's been over a year since I've felt anyone' love. I have been abused, neglected, violated, spyed on, and more.

I ...

Don't know if it's my schizo but I kinda wanted her here... right now. I expected her to be here the second I saw that letter appear...

I.

I heard a little yappy dog even but... no where.

You didn't ask me what I wanted before you left., you left your gun with him and not me like you don't trust me but you want to marry me? You've know him for two months and me for three years. I'm starting to think you should go fuck yourself and I should leave and work on myself. You come back in five days and I don't know if I should tell you to just go to your mom or dads house.

I just asked for a break on my relationship
Its been a dificult relationship, we had many problems, she was depressive and got herself into a hospital many times, and i was a violent person to say the least.. To put it in easy words: I'd had killed for her, and she 'd died for me.
But latetly we feel like our fire is dying, and we dont want that to happen. I'd been helping her overcome her depression, and I'd succeded, but in the process I've fallen down and now im worst than when we started. Its been though, but we decided to take a break from being togheter and honestly, I feel like shit. I have many thing to work out, like my extreme dependence on her, being too posessive, controlling, not the type of guy you'd want a relationship with. She's got to work on her coldness and being more affective some times, but Im scared.
What if she decides to forget me?
What if she finds someone else, or just doesnt want to feel love anymore?
What if i fail to change, and i get stuck where i am, and never become what i wwant and she wants?
I am afraid that things wont work out betwen us, and im afraid she's just tyred of me.

I could have used snugs so badly.
I want to know love. to not be forgotten. To not be so easily replaced.

How many R? before me, during, and after the november 5th?

Will you answer my questions?

is there someone here?

I litter like a motherfucker. If you live around Chicago I've probably thrown trash into your neighborhood at some point.

:)

>>17858004
>004 ▶
> I could have used snugs so badly.
> I want to know love. to not be forgotten. To n
maybe

>>17858009
what do you mean maybe?

just stop fucking with my head..

I so badly just want someone to be honest to me for fucking once in my life

>>17858019
yea well I feel like Im here, but thats not only up to me

I found out today my parents are getting a divorce and I've cried four times. I just look through pictures of us as a family when I was a kid and cry. It's so abrupt. It's like everything's being ripped from me and I'm living in a dream but I know I won't wake up. My family is the most important thing in my life and its being taken from me and there's nothing I can do.

>>17858023
And hoestly, I dont know if I still want to be here you know... I have alot of shit to take care of now, and a lot of work to do... but thats ok... Im working for myself

>>17858028
Thats strange my friend... I feel almost no affection towards my family... but my gf... we are taking a break... and she meant the world to me... I think a know somewhat how you feel

Really R? You wanted to be my judas?

You take... you asked me if you were a psychopath. I said no. You always were crying but were you crying just because you weren't getting someone elses attention at the time? Not out of guilt?

Do you not feel guilt?

Did Prisman diagnose you as a psychopath? Sociopath?

It's fine. I truly forgive you no matter how horrid it get's. You're not ok. You cannot raise a child like that. You can't.

>>17858009
Did you not understand all I wanted from you was an apology? A real apology? You never apologized for anything. You always said it just so I could hear you say it but you never meant it.

That's all I ever wanted from you. I loved you... for so long I cried, I wept. You came with the cops to look over my broken form...

You fell down the stairs and I rushed to your aid.

That is why I cannot cry now. Literally everyone I have ever known has betrayed me, lied to me, and wanted to hurt me for being a good man. I make all of you hate yourselves by my presence. I am your moral compass and in my reflect the image of yourselves, of demons.

and I still forgive all of you. I feel no hatred.

I can feel love again for anyone of you...

just act. Actions.

Love is a verb. Love is a doing word.

>>17858029
This is what I mean...

Why is everyone so hostile to me? Where is my open arm...

>>17858070
Theres none, if you are looking for an open arm you start with your own.

>>17858074
Does your email not work?

>>17853541
I can't fucking find a job.
I just want to work 9 to 5 at a place within walking distance to save up money but no one fucking hires me.
And it's not like I can just ask for advice, my resume is fine and i'm being turned down because everyone has more experience than me.
My volunteering experience barely helps. My dishwashing experience is practically useless because it takes a day to train an idiot, and now I want a retail or grocery job cause restaurant jobs are torture.
The youth employment office is fucking useless. The only things it offers are free bus tokens and resumes.
I'm a hard working piece of shit and I can't convince people that I won't quit on them or be lazy. What the fuck am I suppose to do.

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How about this.

Since either one of you fucked ME over. Since you two raped MY soul...

And you both are here playing a sick little game...

first one to the start... when I say go.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xsvaPjOCdhE

I'm the one of your dreams and affections. I'm the one you obsess over years after. I'm the one that has never fucking had a woman lift a fucking finger to show her affection for me.

I have been the one cheated on multiple times... and offered to forgive every single one of you.

R
I
V

and each time...

no.

Each time... the biggest regret of their lives.

I'll be in my home. With my two little babies, and my paintings. If you want my love... it's YOUR turn to earn it. I deserve that type of woman. Not the kind that would fuck me over and ask me to apologize to them.

I forgive you I,

I forgive you R

Whatever you want to do. I forgive you either way and wish only the happiest. I'm not playing these games anymore. Love is not a game.

>>17858101
and now you two sit there staring at one another awkwardly thinking...

"FUCK.... didn't think he would do that.."

For once in your lives you are now in my position. Do you do the right thing and bow out? Let the other take the prize? Or do you be selfish, take the initiative?

Which type of girl would he rather have? the selfless girl? Or the strong willed one?

That is my world every day. Every fucking day my mind is filled with moral dilemmas.Do I show her forgiveness, and love? Or do I walk, save myself the heartbreak? What will happen to her? Will she be ok? You do love her right? But you love yourself?

For once...

Just for once....

You try to be me.

>>17858125
>>17858101
That is my gift to both of you.
A conscious.

I have no clue how to help my gf with her sexual assault ptsd, and the fact that i couldnt help her then, and cant help her now tears me apart.

i'm scared i won't be able to see him inperson again and that i'm just imagining this all and my mind is so done that maybe all that i saw was put in their by presentation for their loved one myself to make myself feel better. the only true way to know is that he'll be part two and final to be redux is if he could finish the lines i used to resample in the "dr"'s versions. the one french montana collaborated with. not nwa's. xD

I don't think I will ever be good at my job and I often think about killing myself.

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>>17858125
>>17858127
>>17858101
>>17858061

The sad part part? I have already said the type of woman I wanted. It's right there in my messages.

No one listens. No one cares.

Neither one of you loved me at all. Neither one of you cared if I was hurting or not. You just wanted your favorite artist to paint you a pretty little picture.

No messages. No... knocks on my door? Both of you are sitting there thinking...

"Maybe I'm not the one he wants? Maybe I'm not good enough? Maybe I broke his heart too badly? Maybe he was lying when he said he loved me?"

When I have been nothing but honest, GOOD, and I am sure of that. I am not perfect. I can't read minds either.

So... does anyone ever listen to me?

Did you learn how to let go of fear?

To give all of yourself to someone?

To do so... even while doubting your own worth? Even if you might FAIL?

Is my love worth that risk? Or...

Do you just let it slip on by?

>>17858161
>insert nash equilibrium

>>17858161
I hate being the most intimidating mother fucker alive.

Sometimes I forget that people idolize me. That talking to me makes them shake. I make grown men nervous to meet me and women nearly pass the fuck out.

The insecurities someone has to feel to be with me...

feeling judged constantly by my all seeing eye

every line, contour, shape, form, texture, shade, tones...

feeling compared to what they perceive as my mind's perfection...

To be compared to what they have based their own lives off...

Constant jealousy, abuse, and more...

for a loving, caring, romantic, passionate man that only wants to love and be loved. With an empathetic heart, understanding we are all human. We are. We all make mistakes. No one is perfect. No one is perfectly good. We all have a bit of darkness in us... but it's up to us to not let that darkness grow and consume yourself.

I'm... I'm dizzy. I have an infection in my lungs that has spread from my nose which I have dug a hole in it through nervous skin tearing. It hurts to breathe.

anyone that let's me go through this does not love me...

I do not want a woman that constantly needs my approval. That will try to tear me down for when I do the very thing they admire me for...

Hey,

Nowadays my mental health is getting worse

>>17858198
lmfao ur third eye?
the devil eye
if you do take back the purple color
in real life, with a symbol containing your name,
to guide me
and maybe you'll be the one to take this suggestion to heart and not mock me like the fated one to meet

>>17855105
You're fine. Stop stressing.

It's been 100 days. 100 days since you left, or was it me who left? I'm not sure anymore. How did you move on so fast? We were friends, no, brothers for a decade, and now you're hanging out with cocaine dealers and drug addicts. Why would you do that to yourself? You don't know how much that hurts me.

Since you've left I've felt so many things. First it was sadness, then hate, then even worse sadness, now I just feel nothing, nothing at all. I'm numb to everything. Few things get me happy anymore. I'm stuck in a grey area. I don't know what to do.

All those years we spent together. All the promises, secrets, memories shared... All for nothing.

To the edge of the universe and back, endure and survive...

This entire this has just been because I wanted a real reason as to why?

"You never loved me" "I need trust"

Neither one of those things were true.

I have a mental illness. It was cruel to do what you did to me for 2 years and then ghosting me after. When I was so loyal, so loving, so devoted.

You will never know that kind of pain. never.
and I still forgive you.
But I'm still sick in the head. It will still drive me insane.

and for I...

Your excuse is just as poor. "He got over me so quickly" as you were laying in the bed of the man you cheated on me with.

I never got over what you did because the next 2 years of my life was that same thing.

I giave you all so much. I gave this world so much. I have saved people's lives. I have saved souls.

and I feel guilty for wanting someone to save mine...

I want to say so many things but I stop myself knowing they are bad. I feel worthless for not being able to help anyone. I feel violated for what you have done.

If you gift to me is "shitty people exist" then... I knew that? I didn't want it to be true. I wanted to believe so badly people could be good in the end. I... Want to believe I'm not hurt, that i'm not judging. It's hard. It's so hard. I know that this is not who I am right now. This pain I feel is not me.

I feel just tired. and my chest burns from the infection.

I feel more pain knowing... how little you've learned, how much more pain you're going to endure.... ahh.. You see? This is the moral dilemma's I face. I want to say I'm jealous of you. Your world is so much easier to live in. You're black or white. My world is open choice... essay question on morality, guilt, and love.

I don't have one word down yet for that essay...

it doesn't matter. I'll be mocked for this like I always am. You see... this isn't for you all to read. It's psychological. I'm ruminating. This is my raw thought process. There's no dishonesty, manipulation, or lies. just wakkawa's bleeding heart.

She left me after five years no contact doesn't work because we work in the same building she's "not involved" with someone else even though they talk all the time and they got a cutesy couples picture on her damned phone she replaced me in a matter of weeks always said we had nothing in common then goes and co ops this assholes hobbies even though me and him are practically the same person. She wont leave me alone says she still has feelings for me even though at this point with it being 3 months now I feel I'm just being strung along. My job depends on good people skills but it's hard to work with people when you are always so god damned unhappy, in stuck in a shit apartment now paying the bills we accumulated together cause I was a dumb ass and had everything in my name, never thought I'd be that guy but here I am. The icing on the cake is I can't even spend Christmas with my family my job doesn't allow for me to drive the distance I knew this month's back but didn't mind cause I thought at least I'd be with her life had other plans happy holidays motherfuckers.

>>17858240
What the fuck are you even saying.

No, I didn't make that thread. Yes, I am schizo as fuck.

And... or you retarded? What approval of anyone's have I been searching for?

I literally said "Just let me do what I do and not judge me" "Get jealous." or "be insecure"

But please... wise one. Show me where I asked for approval. Asking for someone to not be mean to you or abusive =/= seeking their approval.

Want to know what got me most depressed? The obvious lies. The stressing of my patience when she delayed my arrival because of those lies. For some reason you think running away is the right thing to do. Patience is not a virtue for you. Neither is honesty. That's why we are in this situation. That's why YOU will always be an insecure little shit.

I will love and be patient with anyone.
It will hurt but I will endure knowing I'm doing the right thing.
knowing my heart can take it.
Knowing that I will accept their forgiveness if they try.

My self worth is not tied to my partner.

Or to people like you. So shut up and find your place.

where ever that may be. Fuck if I know. Shadow creatures.

I know I am here right now because of my sick mind. My mental illness forcing me to know what happened. You are all taking advantage of a mentally ill man for... no reason at all.

I won't judge you.

In the end I know ever second I am tested as a good man I will be rewarded in the end. It's not why I do it, but it's a nice thought.

I fucking hate bitches who think that a classroom cant stay quiet for more that 2 minutes. For fucks sake, sometimes we want some peace and quiet but you have to ruin it with your loud bitching. Jump off a cliff please.

>>17858285
lol for some reason this reads, jonas, as in jonas i can't take care of my own kids and i have a fat ass i should have offered you but never did even though i claim things that aren't true for me.

>>17858325
This is the difference between an honest man and one that is ashamed to show his face.

You think there is pleasure in pain. You think that is what I am trying to achieve.

You're simple minded. You can't see beyond the obvious. Beyond one step.

The pain is not the goal dipshits. That is not the pleasure. Being good is not an easy task.

I have a clear conscious. That is the pleasure. That is the goal. If I have to go through pain to achieve that goal then so be it. I am not weak. I will endure.

Sometimes getting to that goal is quite easy and feels good throughout.

I'm sorry you are too weak to reach that goal. I'm sorry that the second you feel pain you immediately change course for whatever is easiest.

This is avoidance. This is splitting. This is devaluation. This is a defense mechanism triggered by fear. By shame. Not being honest with one self. Not being good.

Be honest, know that guilt is a good person wanting to come out. If you are honest, if you KNOW you are a good person, then you will want to BE good. Your actions, your goals will be honest to who you are no matter what. No matter the pain. No matter the trial.

Grow up. You're a child that has never faced their responsibilities. Look into the faces of those you've hurt. Know that it was YOUR fault. Know that to be good is to FIX what you did. Make an amends.

You won't... because you're afraid. Of failing. Of rejection. Of being honest to yourself.

>>17858285
lastly, like what I said here >>17858198

I have NEVER been fighting for the heart of anyone here. I already know I deserve I, R, ANYONE woman's love.

I have ruminating thoughts that cause me great pain. I see two women in denial of their actions. Afraid to take responsibility for their actions. That they will do anything they can to justify them. "He got over me too quickly even though I cheated."

"He didn't love me enough."

"I need trust in my relationships even though I lie compulsively."

I wish I could help them, I truly do. I know they need to help themselves. I offered both of them though patience, understanding, and forgiveness. Empathy. Because of that, because I KNOW I apologized for my actions, attempted to make an amends... my conscious is clean.

R is so guilty it makes her want to kill herself when she thinks of me.

I wants to help me so badly but she cannot deal with what she did. I forgive her. I do. She just needs to fucking forgive herself. To stop pushing the blame onto me by justifying her actions as "He didn't love me anyways. he got over me so quickly"

BOTH of them are under the same delusion. They both think I didn't love them because they don't love themselves. cus they couldn't possibly believe I loved them because they weren't pretty enough, talented enough, or successful enough for me.Wakkawa

Just trust me when I say that's all bullshit. I was honest with both of you with my love. I did love you both the entire time I was with you. I made mistakes both times, it's true. I admit that. I did what I could to be honest, to make it better but I simply couldn't. Their insecurities made it impossible.

But hey... Patience. Empathy. love...

I said all I can. I cannot love either one of them until they accept that I can. To trust me in my words. To not be afraid.

I can't make that decision. My approval of choosing, giving a final decision... will just end as before. With them constantly needing that approval. Questioning it.

>>17858347
why do you keep fucking saying my schizophrenia isn't real?

Do you not ...

Or wait, you can't hear th voices in my mind. You can't see the spiders, the cats, the men in the window.

You don't know the fear I feel at times.

The random blackouts.

The stuttering thoughts.

The addiction of stimulants like adderall being incredibly high in schizopatients.

You're making an excuse for your views of me. Devaulation.

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What you told me a couple nights ago doesn't help make this any easier. I love you, but why can't I tell you?

you are in the puppy dog faze with an idiot and I think you are an idiot for even liking him.

It's fine. Just go do something easier if you want.

I wouldn't be alone right now if someone loved me. I'm ok with that.

I'm trying to be less psychotic. You're not even suppose to be here but you all fucking followed me here in the first place to fuck with me.

it was my safe place. Now it's made me neurotic.

I need snugs. I kinda hope I just wake up with someone tomorrow morning.

>>17858540
you're the faggot that fed her all the bullshit about it not being real, about it all being fake, "online' "e"

All her issues? Her insecurities with me?

Because of you fucking cowards that manipulate people from the shadows.

If you were a man of worth you wouldn't be cowering like you are. You would own your words.

You are one rude bitch

>>17858553
I'm super tired ok?

and so many people... just stacked against.

would it kill yall to just... deal with the dot dot dots?

I'm sorry. You want to know why I do it?

You're going to love this answer.

MY SCHIZO

I have a hard time thinking. Pauses. To find the right words.

super tired. stressed. Games.

Gonna go sex my hand. You guys are welcome to watch. God knows how many times you have already. That has to make you somewhat gay.

I hate how damn lazy I am. I wish I could make myself stop procrastinating.

>>17853541

The girl I'm with is book smart but is not intellectual. She cannot think critically or articulate her views. She's been sheltered by her parents and has had most things given to her. I grew up relatively poor and appreciate money and personal possessions far more than she does. She has a moderate codependency with her mother that is more than a little worrisome. She's nice, to a fault, but can take a shallow and shortsided view of other people without exercising much empathy. Sometimes I suspect she thinks she can coast through life by being a cutesy girly-girl forever, and I wonder exactly when she's going to grow up and act like a woman and become an equal partner.

We share core principles, but at the same time, I feel like we have nothing in common. She's a good person, and a loyal friend, but the relationship bores me. The sex is solid, and she's very good looking, but there's no romance. She doesn't stimulate or excite me. She doesn't challenge me. She doesn't make me think.

I think she's deeply in love with me. I'm apathetic in this regard, and this makes me feel like an awful person. I feel like she deserves someone who can truly appreciate her.

I'm not sure if I need to get over myself and accept that this is a good relationship. Maybe I'm over-analyzing and high on myself, setting expectations that are far too high. Or, maybe I really should let her and let myself move on and find someone I'm more compatible with. Part of me is convinced there's something better out there; another part of me is afraid that there actually isn't anything better. Another part says that either way, it doesn't matter; if I care about her at all, I should let her get on with her life and be happy with someone that doesn't really love her back. I'm not sure if I'm holding myself back because of that, or because of my own insecurities.

I don't know what to do.

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>Be dating girl for 6 months
>Text everyday
>See each other once a week on weekends
>Often have sex 2-3 times when we do see each other
>She tells me we have sex too much
>She ALWAYS starts this shit first ie. when I'm in my boxers she always starts rubbing my dick/blowing me and then proceeds to beg me to fuck her
>Couple days later she says we're too sex orientated
>Gets really shitty over text and just gives me 1 word responses
>See her the next weekend
>Cycle continues

What the fuck is going on??? She always initiates this stuff first and then proceeds to get shitty that we have sex a lot????

>>17858551
I'm not cowering. I was venting. She knows how I feel and he does too. Take a chill pill and vent like the rest of us you idiot.

>>17858551
2/10

I put my hands on her in a non loving way. it was wrong but had to happen in the moment. I'm not like the "abusers" i know im not. things happen; emotions get out of hand.

My friend always acts like a prude but he's actually regularly having foursomes with his girlfriend and two other girls

I used to think that his mostly-girls friendships were endearing and similar to the "raised with a bunch of girls, so easier to interact with them" feelings I share from my upbringing.


He regularly gets furious at all his male friends, myself included, but has never been mad at the girls.
Now my entire view of the kind of person he is has been shattered, and it feels like I don't know him anymore.

I guess if you want to be on his good side, you've got to let him have sex with you.
I'm not gonna do that.

help i am still alive and i want to die

>>17858687
sorry about that homie same shit over here

Will 500mg of diphenhydramine kill me? I want to die but It's 3 am and no stores are open that are close to me.

>>17858734
im not entirely sure, be careful anon, be safe about it.

>>17858735
I tried googling it and I got mixed answers and apparently there's severe side effects like hallucinations and shit. I don't want to do it if I'm not going to die because I'm scared of hospitals

>>17858687
Me too anon, me too

>>17858738
i dont want to sound insensitive but its something i have been thinking about too. any inert gas in a bag nicely fastened around your head will do. i have been thinking helium would work.

>>17858743
>>17858738
guns have the highest fatality rate but fuck that mess unless you arent found.

>>17858743
I could probably amazon prime a helium tank to my house but that's still going to take 2 days and I don't really want to spend the money. I know that it doesn't fucking matter but I'd rather not be homeless if it doesn't work. It'd be coming out of my rent so if I live I'm fucked
>>17858750
I really just want to Kobain myself but I can't afford a gun rn

>>17858755
well your in the same situation as me then
all we have to do is try right now until something happens or we really give up

>>17857814
Thank you anon

I'm just so done with this shit.
It's all just one big show nobody is actually being moral.
Soften I have seen people bend their rules and reasoning just because a pretty person does it.

I don't care about modern ''society'' anymore fuck all that bullshitting you do it's all just signal choreographing anyways.
Fuck talking to people also.

Stop overthinking

I love him with every bit of my heart, we are in the prime time of our relationship. But every time I stare into his eyes or think about him, tears just uncontrollably fall out.
It might be that I love him so much that I'm so afraid of losing him, or that I am not complete if we ever break up. I should stress that we both love each other a lot.
I don't want to be the obsessive girlfriend. He makes me feel good about myself and makes me extremely happy, but I can't control my insecurity.

...fell back into the habit of watching porn and fapping again... i hate the words that come out of my mouth... i hate that i can't stop fapping, i need self control.. i had gone weeks without it.. then that feel when no gf and welp.. it happened again.. I've prayed to stop.. but then i fap with a bible in plain visible sight... i fucking hate everything i do.. i need a job.. need something to keep my brain busy.. i keep saying stupid shit sometimes.. like i socialize with my moms bf and tell him I'd fuck so and so, sure.. ppl i have no interest in.. then i look back and think..what am i thinking? it's like crap came out of my mouth just wanting to shoot the shit i guess.. I'm sick of my poor decisions.

>>17858734
don't do it anon..go to a church

>>17858982
I'll pass but thanks I guess

>>17858999
nothing good will come of it.. not on this side, or the next, for your sake i say, think this through.

life isn't easy anon.. my own life is filled with stupid shit, but it's worth losing a whole ass opportunity over a few bad experiences.. times change.. people win the lotto all the time for exp. the majority don't, but the possibility of winning alone keeps ppl playing.. not very comforting i guess, considering the rest of us don't win it, but in a way.. because we don't always win, we all have that in common. In almost every aspect of life.

one day at a time

>>17859027
it isn't worth losing a whole opportunity, rather.. sorry

All i want is some kind of Terminal illness that will end my life. I wish i could just take it away from one of those children you see on tv. They look so happy and full of life while i hate everything about this world. It's so unfair, i wouldn't mind
But i can't commit suicide because that would ruin the life of my family, they would feel horribly guilty

>>17858916
I hate to say I told you so... What did you expect? Pretty people compliment you, lie and cheat just to get what they want. You said no to relationships or hookups, where you expecting a chaste, pure vision of innocence to fall into your lap from the comfort of your bubble?
People like you want it all. But what you don't want is to accept someone's past, their experiences. No, it's easier for you to hide away and be the ultimate judgemental, narrow-minded victim.
Pol polluted and alienated you, mainly because you're unwilling to accept the way of the world. You've accepted the status quo and failed to understand that without some degree of positivism and progressivism you are doomed to your own fate.

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>>17853541
I'm alone mostly, I don't know why I'm like this I just am.

Ever since middle school I've felt alone, whether it be from my classmates alienating me to my brothers doing the same. Maybe because of my ADHD, and other mental cunt-fuckery. Is it possible I am this way because I didn't dive headlong into the bullshit dating scene of my adolescence?

Am I just not really able to fully cope with anything real? Am I just an omega of all omegas, stuck in a cycle of perpetual shitty self esteem issues and depression? I can't tell you what is real anymore, because I wouldn't be able to describe it on paper or in vocal terms. This reminds me of the Aesop Rock song "Shrunk" to quote 'She says, "I'm not your enemy."/I said, "That sounds like something that my enemy would say/Instead of playing off the chemistry."/She said, "You're being difficult."/I said, "I'm being guarded; you're a quarter mil in debt/I get more guidance from my barber/Look, I'm not good at this, I grew up in a noogie-fest/You built your walls up high/Or say goodbye to all your Cookie Puss/Here's one: every time my telephone buzzes
I see images of hooded riders setting fire to hundreds./"She said, "When you start getting all expressive and symbolic/It's impossible to actualize an honest diagnostic."/I said, "When you start getting all exact and algebraic I'm reminded it's a racket, not a rehabilitation."'

If we truly want and need help then why in the hell do our brains stop us want and fully need to say? Why do so many young males close up in every way and have our minds fester like a wound that desperately need to be cleaned?

Anyways enough of my rants, feel free to poke at my questions.

I'm temperamental, possessive, angry, obsessed. How is it that you only bring out the worst in me?

>>17859104
Sounds to me like you're unable to let your guard down and truly be yourself. Don't project your fears onto another, be the strong, supportive, encouraging one and watch the change happen. If you make the effort, base your emotion and reaction on how this person is.

>>17853541
I want to shoot myself in the head after every day at work

You've left my thoughts. I'm free again.

>>17853696
take it from me, a guy who put up with a lot of stupid bullshit from a girl who was incredibly compatible with me, except for her composure... I've had to put up with her going to hotels with her guy n girl friends, going for ice cream with guy friends, tacos, etc, putting up with her going gaming at guy friends houses..

look just, stop what you're doing, get a prescription for celexa, take it a few times. get your own brain back, don't lend any credence to women who cheat on you ever again, not even a little bit.. don't bother looking back, not even to gain insight. don't wonder how her life has changed because she isn't worth being curious about. let - that - bitch - go.

nobody deserves to deplete you of peace of mind, nobody deserves to hurt you.

Good luck trying to find someone as great as me to date you. I'm not being narcisstic. I gave you everything and now you want to break up with me because I'm doing more with my life than you? Okay. Have fun being single for the rest of your life then.

Im going to drink bleach or some other acid chemical that we got there in front of h our customers just because I want to fuck my life up badly i dont care anymore about this shit
I thought the suucidal thoughts went away but then lately they resurfaced again
Goddamnit i hate my job my life my everything even though i could have it all so much

Sigh...

>>17859201
exactly what this person said.

It's hard to not be salty but I'm trying to make that change myself. To be less bitter about the pain I've been through. To not judge. To just be a good person. Anything I have ever said or done I would put my name next to it. The bad or good.

I'm a simple man from a small farming town. I am nothing but heart.

You all know me, how troubled I can be. All the different parts of me. What part don't you know? I'm not a pure innocent even though I look exactly like Jesus Christ... I sure as fuck am not how you imagine.

Maybe I am.

>>17859691
p sure bleach is a base.

>>17859731
It is.

It won't kill you if you try to drink it though. You won't be able to drink enough without your body rejecting it.

You will forever damage your body and your life will be... just 100x worse than it is.

Also...

Why the fuck did everyone tell me hearing voices was normal? "Oh, I get that too." My friend in high school said.

IL said the same shit. That it wasn't anything to worry about, you're just a weird artist.

I never told her how loud and constant they were getting. You wonder why I wanted to paint so much darlin? Why I wanted to put headphones on and never go out?

They have been torturing me for years. Since around 2011.

I didn't want anyone to think of me as a crazy person. I didn't want anyone to leave me.

I told R one day how bad it was getting....told her how I had "never had hallucinations I wonder what those are like..."

When I could no longer hide it, when I no longer could control my stuttering mind...

She tried to leave me instantly.

I'm sorry....

>>17858677
you're a rapist.

I've just failed a pretty important class at uni. It's gonna affect my gpa a lot since the workload made me get borderline passing grades in my other classes so I'm pretty much on academic probation right now. This has literally been the roughest quarter for me yet, and I don't know how I'm gonna be able to put up with this shit again after break. I've been considering either just changing to a much easier major or just dropping out to a lesser uni to save money.
tldr engineering is hard

I hope that test goes well

>>17859797
Then its fucking perfect for me
My life has been going too well up until now so if i will have to deal with a fucked up me until i actually die
And its some kind of lime cleaner

I'm worried I'll never succeed in life, I'm 21 and I got out of prison in August. I got locked up over some stupid shit you know, me a white kid from the suburbs selling drugs and robbing another white kid from the suburbs who also sold drugs. I spent a year and a half incarcerated which was a blessing because I had a public defender and almost got 7 years. I don't have a car I totaled it right before I got arrested so I end up having to crash at my uncle's house all the time because fuck bussing back and forth all week when the bus is like 1.5-2 hours each way and I have to be at work at 9:30am-4pm. On top of all that I recently found a woman I really enjoy and have fallen head over heels for, while we have been having a lot of passion between shes already voiced that she's worried we are losing the spark. I don't know what to do. I don't really want to live anymore yet I'm too much of a pussy to kill myself. What has your life come to when the only place you feel comfortable voicing your depression is 4chan..

This is not a fucking uni. This is not a fucking TEST.

YOU DON'T FUCKING DO THAT TO PEOPLE.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU.

Yes, I know you post things that are obviously meant for multiple people. Yes, you treat people as "classes" with grades.

Yes, the prism, the rabbits, and more.

Still... I forgive you for your broken mind. I can relate.

You guys man. Are you bored? Don't you have anything more productive to do?

>>17859854
just shut the fuck up already.

You're not going to do it.

>>17853696
Do it, faggot. Get high and blast this at full volume: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KUfzMDryA94

Then jack a car, drive over to her place, and bash her head in with a claw hammer. Afterwards, kill yourself for being such a pussy faggot in the first place.

Unless, of course, you don't have the balls to do it and would rather whine like a little bitch instead of doing something about it.

I'm kinda disappointed know one came to my house to threaten me. I was almost positive that was going to happen. Just... probably, something worse.

I was so looking forward to some good fisticuffs. For someone let out frustrations.

Apparently you guys already know not to fuck with a man that partakes in pain as his pleasure... right?

Or a man that brings a knife to a gunfight.

Wasn't much to do in the country other than play football and fight. It's been too long...

>>17859919
fucking homophones.

what kind of mind

>>17859919
Why not find some niggers and pay them to come to your house to threaten you, only don't tell them it's your house. Then you can kill all of them and tell the cops it was self defense. You get your adrenaline kick and rid the world of a few shitskins, it's a win-win situation.

>>17853541
The most fucked up part about this is how... I am not at all responsible for any of this. At all. Not a single thing do I think I did wrong...

This went back further than when I got tired of the abuse in december.

And when I blew up in october?

You think I didn't know about the lying?

You want to know why I posted the things I did?

because she was lying to all of you about everyone, everything, and they all needed to know.

Unlike what K thinks is responsible. With her Beauty and all. Lies hurt people. Lies lead to more lies which lead to more people getting hurt.

ALL of this could have been prevented by the truth. ALL of this could have NEVER happened if she didn't drag me into this 2 years ago. If she didn't lie to me, to be abusive and manipulative in December 2015'

Just so she could be with other's guilt free knowing I was an innocent. Knowing I was morally good. Knowing I would NEVER EVER do the things she did to me.

ALL OF YOU KNOW THAT.

I am the moral compass of this group of people. I am your leader, your Jesus Christ, Moses, and I feel responsible for saving your souls. To show you how wron... no. I will show you how a good man is.

I was wrong. I DID make mistakes. I WAS WRONG at times. There were times I was being manipulative, but not for malicious reasons. I would make posts, send emails... bait you all.

K... you're a horrible liar btw. Do you think I believed you for a second? Do you think anyone else in my life talks the way you do? Says those things?

I'm hurt you lied to me darlin. I'm hurt but I forgive you

Wait, K... the reason you made that post about... what you did for me (no guys, it's not sexual. Christ.) wasn't because you didn't trust me, or that you think I did anything wrong...

He has those... doesn't he? He stole them? I would never EVER FUCKING DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT TO A PERSON. I would never hurt someone that trusted me like that... that is my reputation... that is YOUR reputation... your...

I'm sorry...

i miss this place being a secret club

>>17860002
John 8:32

>>17860011
Then why did you all fucking follow me here?

Why did you all do so many things behind my back?

Why are you all still pretending like this isn't all known by me now?

Why do you continue to ignore me in real life?

Have I not shown you I am trustworthy? That what I did was for a very specific reason(s). To protect the innocent. To show you what was right. To try to heal myself through hatred...

That last one is what I will admit wrong doing for. For that I am sorry. For that reason is why I took it a bit far at times with my name calling.

I never meant them. I truly didn't. That is not who I am and I VOWED to not do it again.

And I haven't.

So why... why not trust my word? Do you not think I am in pain? that this hurts me? Yet... I only talk to the "Secret club"?

Do you think I don't know this is meant as punishment? That, not for revenge... but for the fun of it?

As well.. a test. You were testing me all along.

because you don't trust me.

Well... message me on gchat or facebook.
Wakkawa.

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>>17860011
>>17860031
I KNEW you fucks were spyong on my computer. I know what that script bullshit looks like.

She confirmed it so many times for me. By getting so upset over my bait posts. "I KNOW THIS IS YOU DON'T TELL ME IT ISN'T DON'T LIE TO ME. I KNOW MORE THAN YOU THINK."

Some of them were spoofed as me. False Flagging.

I think as well... the other men were taking credit for the things I said. The beautiful, TRUE words I spoke. They knew that I was the one which these women desired. They knew that if they simply copied the things I said...

Shadow games. Puppets. Manipulation. Lies. Dishonesty.

All the times R got so fucking ANGRY at me for asking "Have you been talking to your friends?" was because she felt guilty.

R... stop talking to literally every single one of them. Stop talking to me if you want. They twisted your values, your personality. They...

It's your fault too R. YOU make your final decisions. You are incredibly easy to manipulate but it's YOUR CHOICE to do the things you do.

The fact you are filled with guilt over all of this...

Listen to me. Trust my words.Cut contact with all those people. Any person that has ever said a negative thing about me... stop talking to them. Just stop.

That is not controlling.

THEY ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS. FRIENDS DO NOT GET BETWEEN LOVERS. FRIENDS SUPPORT YOUR DECISIONS. FRIENDS BRING PEOPLE CLOSER NOT FURTHER APART.

R... to speak ill of me is to speak ill of you.

That is why I stopped talking to people that talked shit about you. That is why I defended you. You were apart of me. You were the same being as me and to not support you was to not support me.

I love you. I forgive you.

Just be safe. Be good. Stop this all.
Remember my post to you... >>17843746

As for ICL...
if you truly felt those things... keeping lies and secrets and not being honest about them is wrong.
I am empathetic. I am forgiving. Trust me in that. All of you.

>>17854622
yea.... i was in your same position.

she was talking to him, told me she would block him, unblocked him, told me she wouldnt know what she'd do if i dropped her out of nowhere... and thats exactly what she did to me.

she realized her mistake and sparked it back up, broke up with him and we hungout, but then idk wtf happened then she just blew me off all over again. and then it happened again....

and now she hit me up again but this time with the intention of just being friends. i hate this person so much for hurting me but we have an undeniable bond that for some reason i cant let go of, but im about to in a bit. going to talk to her one final time then end things and move on.

the worst thing is i was moving on too, she didnt contact me for 2 weeks then she starts blowing me up, snapchatting me off others phones and the same fucking shit....... I hate you O.

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>>17860090
She will stop talking to you again. All of you.

She's here, right now. I know she is.

My father saw her at the hospital back then.My brother knows. Everyone knows and...

I am not EXACTLY too sure what's going on...

but holy shit. This is a conspiracy.

Today is the day isn't it?

Really soon?

I hope so.

I'm so very tired...

>>17858734
no i took 550 mg recreationally,
its a recreational drug at high doses lol, it can be fun but its more of a just like i wonder how it is kinda thing, i did it like a couple times, 450 one day and the very next day i took 550, worst mistake of my life, i felt sleep deprived for 2 weeks and thought i had brain damage.

terrible drug of choice to kill yourself, you'll just go nuts.

>>17860118
That planted doctors note.

The fake business card.

What... EXACTLY... is about to happen?

The time my father picked up the phone...

They all went to see her.

is she...

>>17860118
No, Im going to stop talking to her. Shes a very damaged person, suicidal, depression, needy etc.

I finally got a job, and it's in the kitchen.
I'm happy to not be declared NEET anymore, but it's a demanding job to be on my feet for 9 hours a day, 5 days a week.

I was registered to be a half-timer, yet the hours I'm given are equal to full-time work. This kinda pisses me off because I was prepared only for part-time. It's brutal on my body.

It's my first job as well, so obviously, I have yet to adjust to everything. This is merely my 8th day working here. Still fucking painful.

I await my first paycheck, as it should arrive next week. Everything hurts, including my soul.

Worse yet, I lost my phone last week. So, I'm kinda scared of what'll happen now. Simply put, that phone is necessary for me to call cabs to come home, as buses don't run past 10, not to mention contact my family and friends after/during my shifts.

God save me.

R told me that she had fallen down the stairs...

She was living with him wasn't she? That "work" room wasn't at her father's house at all.

He fucking hit her. He has been threatening you hasn't he?

There... is a fire... and that mother fucker just lit it.

that... november...

He beat the shit out of her didn't he?

he hit her in october? The skype I have screenshots of her with a black eye...

you.... you mother fucker.

This is why she was saying those things to me... that I would hurt her. That... you fucking hav ebeen abusing her. You....

You are about to see something new...

>>17860320
she was trying to communicate that with me. She wanted me to defend her.

R... he has your phone. He is blackmailing you. He is threatening you...

is...

he fucking pushed you down to stairs to have a miscarriage...

jesus fucking christ...

I'm so fucking sorry... I'm so sorry this all has happened to you.

I want to protect you so badly but...

he stole your phone. All those emails were deleted werent they? Except for the mean ones I bet. The skype messages as well.

He has been telling you things R... that I was meant to tell you. He has been stealing my words and using them as his own. Because he KNOWS that you love me. He knows that he's a piece of shit that's raping you.

Fucking christ...

Do you remember the post about... how your light mirrors other people? How you can't be yourself around other people?

how your light hit's me, a scattered soul, and refracts into a beautiful rainbow? Your true self?

You can't mirror me so you're forced to be yourself..

Those were MY words R. Not his... MINE.

How long... ever since he has had access to your accounts... he has been stealing my words...

what the fuck....

what the fuck....

>>17860396
R He has been lying, and manipulating you all along.

What the fuck has been going on... he has access to all of my accounts. Has he been sednign you nasty shit from my email account R? Has he? My skype?

I know they were on my skype. They have been going through my old messages.

R... my words.. MY OWN WORDS R... have been LOVE. FORGIVENESS. AND EMPATHY...

These psychopaths have been trying to take you from me. to push us apart through...

I'm so sorry...

I never knew evil like this existed...

he has been threatening my father for sure... my brother...

He has threatened you too IL hasn't he? Just so I would be alone?

What the fuck...

None of my emails have reached you have they.

The one saying how I would protect you. How I would even marry you so you could stay here. So you could have my insurance for your healthcare.

He read the email and said "Fuck I would put a ring on that finger."

All those loving things R... he stole them all from me.

Every single one.

>>17860429
this entire time he has been filtering everything I have been saying to you. Only picked out the parts where i asked questions.

I know this is true. He did it to my facebook. He went through and unlocked EVERY post where I was ranting to myself but left all the loving ones, the ones explaining my mental illness... he left those locked.

I can't believe this is happening. I can't believe there are men like this in the world.

This is why you hate me so much... why you said so many untrue things about me. You have no idea what I hav ebeen saying to you...

You guys are playing a game that... I can't. I wasn't and never wanted.

I love. I love I love I love.

I am furious right now. Not at her.

At the situation. This isn't my environment. This isn't a place I have power in. This isn't my world.

the voices actually agree with me on this. They are just as confused as I am on what to do.

I love you.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for bad things that happen.

I miss my gf and I want to kiss her

>>17860487
I wish I could see you. I truly do.

Just be safe. Please. No one deserves that. FUcking nobody. I love you with all my heart.

Am i the only one who keeps getting Connection Errors and File no longer exists(404) on /adv/ the last few days?

>>17860517
yep

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>>17853541
Lost the girl I loved because I'm too alpha to express my feelings.

What is it with you fags and girlfriends here?
Seriously, even gay men have something to bitch about far better than you people. Jesus fucking Christ.

>be me barely 3/10
>crush/LDR "bf" 8/10 hot as fuck
literally crying because I'm not worth it, and that he's probably sticking with me because he's bored, lonely, and insecure (more than myself somehow). I know I should use him as much as I use him for sexual gratification/egoboost, but it's a bit fucked up tbhdesu.

I'm strange, but you're definitely stranger.

You're my teacher, and you know I have feelings for you. You didn't deter my behavior when you found out. You actually encouraged it. Initially, I found this promising, if a bit strange. "Wow, he's flirting back, I have a chance! What're the odds? I've scored!"

I expected you to ostracize me, or at least be less friendly when you found out. But no, in fact, you flirted with me in return, complimenting me at every corner, giving out hugs like candy, making me laugh with innuendos and corny jokes, bemoaning about how lonely you are, and how women don't appreciate kind guys. I recall you looking me up and down many times, playing with my hands, joking about how I was "fine", referencing things that you overheard me say or knowing things I've never told you, I've seen you look at me and belatedly look away when I catch your glimpse.

...And you continue to do so even after a better woman has entered your life, someone your age, and someone you also like. It's already strange enough that you're flirting with a highschool senior, but it's even stranger that you're pursuing a grown woman while you still flirt with them. Do you not find that weird?

You've literally tried to keep this a secret for 2 weeks now! You didn't want me to know you were flirting with someone else, because you knew I had feelings for you! Do you just like the attention? You're risking your job and reputation here, I don't think the attention I offer you is worth it. Either way, I'm beyond the crush, for the most part. I'm still attracted to you, but this is all giving me red flashing signals to run away while I can. This is getting too weird. I won't be juvenile and say you're weird because you let it get this far. (It's actually my fault for flirting with you to begin with.) We have a very small age gap, so it likely came naturally to act in such a manner. But...what are you doing, man? What is wrong with you?

I need a blowjob badly.

The weight I lost in the last year made my cock so much bigger, ololollolool

My ex keeps hurting me and playing shit with my head. I hate playing mind games when it's about my feelings. He keeps saying he misses me but always acts and sounding like he hates me everytime I respond. I feel sick af right now, literally. I think I pushed myself too much by working non-stop and stressing out about what or how to feel about him bcs my trust issue keeps triggering but I still love him.

>Put myself on a self imposed ban from hookups and relationships because I keep hooking up with girls that I could do a lot better than, just because Im a fucking sex addict and cant wait to meet someone i actually like, but its destroying my soul and ruining my libido, so I resolve to be patient and wait until I meet someone good

>Go on tinder because why not Im bored
>See american girl studying over here in bongland
>Bio says "If you love dogs, travelling and understand that han shot first, we'll get along just fine"

Now I dont feel feelings anymore, that ability is long gone from my hollow tin chest, but the closest possible thing, an intense WANT for her to swipe right on me because we'd get on really fucking well and I wanna see if we could work out, for once in my life, that shit is hitting me hard

I gave that bitch a super like, PLEASE GOD DAMN SWIPE BACK I SWEAR TO EVERYONE I AM GOOD BF MATERIAL IM NOT AN ASSHOLE JUST GIMME A GOOD GIRL SO I CAN PROVE IT

Npw that I actually care about my work, Im extremely anxious even though finals are over. Im stuck in this "I have shit to do" mode and havent been able to get out of it for 2 weeks. I feel like I completely forgot how to relax

I feel like a huge dick. I took her out to talk to her about something, and talked about things that hit her hard. I made her cry and told her some other things. I apologized two days later, but she never responded.

Saw her yesterday, but there wasn't much to say. We rarely talked, just joked openly about something we did at our program. I'm slowly getting over it, smoking a few cigs and listening to Frost God to get over it all.

Am I a bad guy?

>>17860761
Maybe he does miss you but doesn't want anything to do with you until you fix whatever it is that caused you two to separate.f

just go over to him and be like "Sup. Cuddles?" and after the sex talk about shit. That's all anyone wants. Well, the sex part too but I mean to talk, to listen, to care.

>>17860783
I am down with anything but the thought of him keeps leaving and coming back everytime he's upset with me, no thanks. My heart is like the whole Eiffel Tower, If I let it get fucked up and get the whole structure knocked down? A lot of things will gonna die and destroyed along with it. Paris will die with it.

Oh you guys.

just let me do my research. I remember seeing that post and I will find it.

I will find out and fix what you're doing to me right now.

You're not the only ones with friends knowledgeable about this shit.

Yes, I know you are logging mouse/keys. You think I can't tell by the glitching of it?

I whatsapped my ex after pretty much zero prior contact, just to tell her that the new album by a band she likes is fucking sick. I mean genuinely it's great and I'm hooked on it, and shes the only person I know that would've listened to it so I felt possessed to say something.

I'm not really sure what I expected. Needless to say she didn't reply. I tell myself I was testing the waters or something. But it's pretty obvious I also did it because I thought I could win some points, and now I look a bit pathetic. Whoops.

The reality is that I'd love to have a real talk about how things went down, but I'm not going to send a fucking 5 paragraph special because I'd rather have a conversation. Clearly that's not gonna happen.

I wonder how you think.

>>17860927
Walk away, it's over.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIscL-Bjsq4

>>17853792
You may have to move your parents to where you are. My parents had my grandparents move to the same town they lived in because their health was failing and my mom had to go across the state (my uncles across the country) several times to help them out. My mom and uncles told them they had to move near my mom so somebody could be their to help them in an emergency. They did and things worked out in the end.

>>17860938
You will never know. You can't know. The way I think is twisted, sad, pathetic, and heartbreaking.

There are monsters in my mind. They need to be fed. They are clawing at the inner lining of my skull... they are starving and will become desperate.

I just need to know. I mean... I already know.

What else are you doing?

I love you... I do. I forgive you for these things.
I hope you are safe.

I wish people would stop fucking with me. Do you think I deserve this? To fuck with the mind of a mentally ill man? Fuck him, I know he's all butthurt thinking his rudimentary diagnosis is the final word but again...

You wonder how I think.

You will never understand how loud the thoughts are.

6 months ago on the day...

Your birthday.

You are getting that test today...and if it comes out good...

You will come to me.

>>17861116
http://www.yourtango.com/2016285104/12-big-signs-someone-you-love-hoovering-narcissist

Stop it.

>>17861163
big signs you're a faggot.

No one would put this much effort into this.

Especially with the last things she said to me.

again... fuck off. I'm smarter. I just am. I have morals. You don't. Pain is not the goal.

Can we ban this shizo faggit already
Hes worse than that guy with his cousins

>>17861283
>faker
>SCHIZO
Nah.

I am certain of my assessments.

it's just... there are a few blurred lines every now and then with this.

There is just so much.

A normal mind probably wouldn't have put it all together as accurately, quickly, and... stubbornly.

A nomral mind would have just went "fuck it" awhile ago.

"Obsessed" is a word too often casually used. To have obsessive thoughts means to have all consuming thoughts. They are FORCED upon me. Sociopaths, evil men and a mentally ill woman sparked the powder keg that is my mind.

My mind is... more like several minds working all on their own little tasks. Occasionally, they share information and form connections. Patterns. When every core is working on the same subject, but looking at several parts...

Maybe you should stop hitting women you fucking piece of shit. God you're the fucking biggest scum. You fucking PRAY you don't see me in person.

And baby... I'm sorry for that bill burr video. I realize now why you brought up the topic and why you got so incredibly hurt... we always had so much fun joking about incredibly offensive things. Racism, sexism, ect... If I knew then. I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. I love you so much.

so so so much.

>>17861313
You remember that time I asked to look at your eye?

You looked so scared... startled. Like you wanted to hide it. You covered it in so much makeup...

my internet connection was so shitty. I have pictures of it though, clearly. You can see the swelling, the bruises.

Fucking...

I would have never done that. That's monstrous. You know I have been in that same fucking position. I have been beaten, abused, kicked, assaulted in my past relationships.

Hes a fucking rapist and abuser. We have photographic fucking evidence you realize that?

I've been scared of relationships for two years now because of a shitty experience, but now things are changing. I'm going into my junior year, and if I don't show interest, I'll ruin it for the rest of high school. Most of my friends are dating freshmen, which frustrates me, but there are a few freshmen who seem nice so that's whatever. Lastly, there is this girl, Kathleen, who is the best girl you have ever met. She is extremely smart and one of the funniest people I know and she's fucking CUTE to the end of the world. She's super talented and we've been good friends since third grade. Four problems: She is out of my league, she just broke up with one of my other good friends, I'm scared of fucking up a relationship and ruining my friendship with her, and I am currently in a horrible mental state, which I do not want to pass on to her, so I act completely different around her than I do to everybody else in my life. And the biggest problem of all: it is my firm belief that I am genuinely in love with her. I want to grow up with her and have a family with her and live with her. I don't want a temporary relation with her for the fun of it. and there are very few stories of people making it through half of high shool, all of college and into marriage. Any tips? She knows I like her and the person she broke up with completely supports my relationship with her.

I get that you want to move out, I really don't give a shit. But did you really have to show the room to your dad of all people? You knew I fucking trashed the place, why do you have to go around showing people?

And then you made it seem like it was a privilege to live with you. Please. There's a new guy coming in two weeks. There was nothing special about living with you. All you did was make it hard to sleep at night and wear away at my sanity.

And fuck you too.

>>17861429
>starting to think the chubby gringo wasn't so bad for our daughter....

I want to go on a drug binge like I did this summer, I was content in being alone, high, and staying up until midday to sleep all afternoon. Nothing was bothering me except for the need for more, and that was a better feeling than what I get from hard work and good choices.

> I threw a man off a cliff during a firefight to save my own live, the look in his eyes tho.
>meh

I'm going to prison, aren't I?

-_-

>>17855828
Yeah, this tbqh.

I'm having withdrawals again from not having any contact with her.
I'll see her Saturday, both at work and the party. But I think she's going snowboarding with HIM again. I know he's just a friend, but I hate it.

I don't know what to do. My life's such a shit show that if I don't keep busy I lose all motivation. And I'm about to lose my job due to it closing and the job search isn't going well. If I don't find another one soon I'll probably kill myself. After being long term unemployed I can't go back to that. So here's to hoping I can find one soon or I'll be done next month.

What's going to happen tomorrow?

Someone please tell me. Something bad is going to happen I know it. Something bad. I feel it. My mind knows it but I don't know what it is.

So many things could happen tomorrow. Death, FBI, or...

Fuck. I want to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to take control of this situation.

>>17861633
god please... you have been spending all this time trying to hide those things from me so I will have a beautiful image of you after your death.

And the others too.

I love you. Even if you never loved me. Those things are ok. I forgive you... I'm sorry.

Your final test is with God...

>>17860737
How hasn't he been caught if he does all that and flirts with you so shamelessly? To me, it sounds like it'd be pretty obvious. Do your classmates just not give a fuck?

There is someone in my ATTIC... above me.

I heard them walking. I called out after awhile and they shifted, and the noises stopped.

They are using Iphone or ipod or something. Something that clicks... it's a familiar sound.

They are up there. Who is it?

The attic door has been sealed shut. My father knows. He get's so aggressive when I told him.

Is it JB?

or did you guys do something. Did you do something to get the FBI on me? Because I filed that complaint? I gave you an entire months warning... I thought they would contact me and not do anything you know? I just wanted the spying to be confirmed...

I confirmed it later myself.

You made my friend block me...

What the fuck is going on...