Alone time in relationships

>>17853061
sometimes people just need some time alone to reprogram and destress. Especially introverts.

>>17853061
No he just doesn't need constant fucking validation that he exists and maybe he wants time alone to actually think without you being an annoying cunt in his ear about whatever mundane shit that dumb, needy women like you talk about

Have you ever thought about it like that?

>>17853061
You sound like a needy nightmare OP
Grow the fuck up before you get dumped

>>17853061
youll understand when you grow up, sweetheart.

lol at this thread holy shit

>>17853064
Why would he be with me if he thought of me as an annoying cunt

>>17853111
pussy

>>17853111
Because you're a vagina.
Unfortunately a clearly insecure woman who can't understand the concept of alone time is attached to it.

>>17853124
Why wouldn't he search out other women who don't have these insecurity issues? He's attractive and knows how to talk to women

>>17853129
Maybe you have redeeming qualities outside of the fact that you can't understand why somebody would possibly like to have time alone to think without interruption?

>>17853132
Can you at least enlighten me as to why somebody would possible like time alone? I'm a stupid woman and don't understand. The reason I came here is for people to share why this is important to them, since /I don't have personal experience with this desire/

>>17853156
As I said in my previous post
Time to think alone and interrupted
You know that process where you go over events and ideas in your mind, analyze and process them?

That's awfully hard when somebody is talking to you.

>>17853156
it's called preference. not everyone is the same and some people need and want different things. for example, I don't like lasagna but my friends do. this is called a preference.

>>17853167
What about not talking? What if two people are just spending time next to each other, like one is playing video games and the other is painting? Why would one want to escape from this sort of interaction? It leaves people alone with their thoughts.

>>17853181
He's obviously more introverted than you thus relies more on his mind than others
I suspect you rely more on others when coming to decisions, etc.
He's just trying to go over the days business in his head.
There is a time to talk and a time to be quiet and relaxed.
You can't talk 18 hours a day.
Or maybe you can. That would be painful for him I imagine.

>>17853156
It sounds to me like you need to spend some time with yourself more than anyone. Do you really hate yourself that much that you always have to be with other people?
And now its not because you're a "woman", I'm a woman too and I still need my alone time along with every other single person I know. Some need less alone time than others, but I've found only people who hate themselves never want it.

>>17853233
I do hate myself. And it's not other people, it's just my boyfriend. I don't like many other people. Thus, it would be difficult on him if I expressed my desire to talk to him and see him as often as I have it. Thankfully, I actually understand this, and thus I try not to bother him. But on the inside, I want to. Maybe I should try to fix the hating myself part.

>>17853247
I would say that is a good place to start. Look, I've been in the same position for. I hated myself, I didn't have that many friends, and was always trying to be with my boyfriend. However, I did understand boundaries too and always tried to reign myself in, but in the end I inevitably drove him away.
It is extremely difficult to be in a good, healthy relationship when you hate yourself, so that is something you should definitely work on. Do you know why you hate yourself so much?

>>17853181
I'm with you OP. I don't understand why lovers can't share the same space and at the same time give each other space. Put some music on your headphones, focus in what you are doing. You don't even need to look at the other person, just need to feel their presence. And I don't hate myself, in case anyone is wondering.
But I've never been in a relationship so what do I know...

>>17853061

this is why long term relationships are dying. people (not just women, but they make up the majority of it) insist that couples have to be together every free moment they have.

its why men stop having friends when they date. its why women dont have any friends at all. its why people are getting divorced and breaking up so easy.

traditional married couples dont spend as much time together as modern daters do. they insist on spending every waking moment together because love means being co dependent now. there was a time where a man came home and did his own thing and the wife did her own thing.

women hung out with women and men hung out with men.

what did men and women do together?
>Dates
>maybe some TV
>sex

thats it. men and women weren't designed to be best friends.

>>17853353
But isn't it because boys and girls upbringing are so different from each other? boys are pushed away from girls things and girls are pushed away from boys things, by their own families. They grow up and develop completely different interests.
Not that I want to start a new thread but I don't agree with this design theory you are saying. It's the whole nurture vs nature discussion that will come from it.

>>17853156
Some of my best thoughts and ideas come from alone time.
Lots of fun comes from alone time
Honestly, op I don't know how you would function constantly surrounded by someone and not have time to yourself or time to think.
And this is coming from someone who loves both alone time and time with family and friends.

>>17853374
Two people can't be attached to each other at all times because no matter how similar they are, they aren't the same person. There are going to have different needs/wants, your partner will never fill all your needs no matter what. Because you need mutiple people/ alone time to be able to feel every need in a person.
Every person grows up different regardless of social norms.

>>17853353
That's so not true.
Me and my boyfriend share a couple of hobbies and a lot of interests. We spend a lot of time together and I never got bored with him. He is my best friend.

But this doesn't mean that I don't have any other friend or that I cannot spend time alone.
Co-dependency is bad, but being in a relationship where you can't have fun with your SO without fucking is just as bad.

>>17853374

you're missing the point of what im saying.

men arent meant to be sewn at the hip either. same goes for women with women.

marriage is failing because we are insisting its a union of every possible waking moment.

whereas traditionally you have time with your wife and time with your friends.

you can generally spend more time with people of your own gender. you can argue that point all you want but even with similar interests its different mindsets.

>>17853156
I broke up with my girlfriend because I couldn't get an inch of alone time, so let me express to you how important it is, as an introverted guy.

It's how I relax.
If I can't come home, and do what I do, how I do it, I'm not happy. And after working 40+ hours a week, the one thing I want to do is be able to use my free time, however the fuck I want to, and if that's sitting down, alone, on my couch watching sportscenter, that's exactly what I want to do, an dhow I want to relax.

If you want to hound me, say you're bored, lean on me and make me otherwise uncomfortable and not relaxed, I'm not going to be happy.

>>17853388

>that is not true
>except for how its actually true because of these reasons.

you only prove my point. you dont spend every waking moment with him. you dont throw a fit when he needs alone time. you have alone time.

i also never said you can't have fun outside of fucking. dates and TV were listed because those are traditional. and i think its GREAT that were closing the gender gap on interests.

however my point still remains the exact fuckign same: you should not be spending all your time with your romantic partner.

>>17853156

because hwen you're with someone you are exhausted from trying to interact with them.

think of it like sleep, but awake. its time you take for yourself to heal your brain, to regain your energy.

and beyond that, its also time to spend with people other than your girlfriend.

if you are looking for someone who only sees you in the world, then thats selfish. it means you dont like them as a person, you just want to be worshipped.

>>17853396
I was pointing out how I don't do just "relationship" stuff with my boyfriend but also "friends" stuff with him - there is literally not one thing I do with my friends that I don't do with him. Beside pedicures, perhaps.

Of course I don't want to spend every waking moment with him and I need alone time much more than he does, probably. But it is fundamental to be great friends with your SO.

>>17853410

and thats fine, i never said that was the issue, i just used the traditional examples because they come from a time that worked.

>>17853416
Your idea is very reductive and silly.
Couples work well because they find a compromise, an equilibrium that works well for both.
My parents are pretty co-dependent and they've been together for 32 years. They do everything together (from going to the shooting range to lingerie shopping), have all friends in common and barely spend any time separated. My grandparents barely acknowledged each other's existence and had had been together for 51 years.
Truth is that all couples are different and people have different needs.
I am happy with my relationship the way it is - I'd go crazy with a clingy boyfriend, I'd go crazy with a boyfriend that isn't my best friend too. I want a boyfriend that fucks off when I want him to fuck off and comes hiking and kayaking with me. I wouldn't want to be with a boyfriend who doesn't have fun with me.

If OP is unhappy with her boyfriend needing alone time she probably should change boyfriend and find someone who wants to be co-dependent.
There isn't a behaviour that works for everybody.

>>17853446
Should I just kill myself instead to make it easier on everyone

>>17853507
why don't you just let your bf be alone for a bit instead of killing yourself

>>17853547
Yeah you're right

>>17853233
I have to be around people all the time because I hate myself. The moment I'm alone I spiral into self loathing. So I try to avoid it all costs. How can I stop this?

>>17853558
Stop hating yourslef is the first step.
And to do so, you've got to ask yourself : why do you hate yourself?
A therapist will probably be a good help here.

>>17853061

Everybody needs alone time.

If you feel bad that your partner wants alone time, it might mean you're attached. Try to become happy while being alone, otherwise you're basically draining the positive energy from your BF. You're an energy leech.

If you keep that mental state up, if he ever dumps you your world will be destroyed. The most important relationship is the relationship you have with yourself. The ability to find love within, being able to be happy completely alone.

>>17853575
I'm apparently being referred to a CBT place who might or might not take me.

I hate myself because I have unreasonable expectations of myself.

>>17853061
Some people are just like this OP.
Also with people saying that it's because some people are more 'introverted', I don't believe it all the way.
My partner and I are introverted to the point of never going out, yet we love to be with eachother all the time. We are not always interacting though, we can go hours with sitting in the same room but doing our own tasks without speaking.
Are you and your man capable of doing this, or do you have to always be talking with him and interacting with him while he does his own thing?

>>17854617
I do like to interact with him. I'm too insecure some days to let him alone for more than a few hours. I have to block social media on my computer to avoid being tempted. I don't know what to do.

>>17855250
I'll try to give you some actual advice OP.

1. Find some hobbies. Seriously, it helps. With all the possible skills you can learn in this world, there's got to be at least something you're interested in. Maybe even sign up for classes.
2. Friends. Friends are important. If you have your own friends, you'll be less dependent on your boyfriend. (1) is a good way to find new friends.
3. Maybe ask your bf if he'd like to be alone together sometimes. Just being in the same room, not talking much, doing your own stuff.

>>17853061
>Why is it that I, like most women, don't need it
Pretty much every women I know needed it. You clearly don't have enough things going in your life, anon.

>>17853181
>>17853350
Because something like painting would actually require more concentration and another person just being there can disrupt the focus.

>But I've never been in a relationship so what do I know...
Not understanding something like that might be a factor. Besides, music can be distracting too, different people deal differently with different shit.

>>17853582
Underrated post.

Fuck I wish my girlfriend could understand this too.

>>17853156
Because a relationship, even a good one, is a constant source of pressure and stress for an introvert. It's a source of many GOOD things too, which is why it's worth it.

It's not because he dislikes you, it's probably because he likes you enough that he feels obligated to "perform" for you. Being a good boyfriend, listening to your stories, entertaining you - that shit takes energy.

He probably needs time to just recharge, without the need to "act right" or entertain anyone. I'm the same way, sometimes I just need my own space to just chill and decompress without anyone talking to me or looking at me

>>17853061
Man here

Any healthy relationship is about giving and receiving. If he wants say a couple of hours a day to game or do any other hobby alone then you should respect that.

If it's like 5-6 hours a day then it's to much and hes either a aspie or does not like you

>>17853061
I think you're making this all about yourself OP. Just try and see it from his perspective.
> this actually because men just don't care for their female partners enough
>What if this means he doesn't love me?

I think you like emotional attachment and validation. Many guys do not need this (at least as often as women do). If you know your boyfriend to be an introvert, then respect the alone time. He isn't thinking about cheating on you or about other women behind your back. Most guys just browse the web/workout/vidya/hobby. Asking for alone time from an introvert isn't a code word for "scheming to leave you / cheat." Even if he is an extrovert, most guys cannot handle constant social interaction. There is just a time where they get too crabby or tired out and want some time to just do whatever.

Look following this thread it just seems like youre thinking men are emotionally smarter than we are.

Here is my advice for you, OP: when your boyfriend asks for something or says something - ACT DUMB. Now I don't mean forget the consequences of an action, but the mentality of most men is "i ask for alone time - it is because I want alone time," "when I ask to have the boys over to watch football - it is because I want time with friends who watch football," "when I ask for sex, it is because I'm horny." You see where I am going with this, OP? Don't read into things too much - guys think literally and straight forward, there is not hidden message the vast majority of the time. Throughout this thread you're talking about "what if he doesn't love me because of my insecurities?" If he doesn't like your insecurities, he would have said something about them.

TL;DR dont read into shit. Take what he says literally. When he asks for alone time, HE MEANS HE WANTS ALONE TIME. He isn't trying to leave you. Stop reading into shit

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>>17853061
This is probably a good representation of you OP. Quit reading into shit. When he says something like "i want alone time" there isn't a hidden meaning and he really means "i want alone time"

>>17853064

Jesus Christ

That was so brutal but funny

>>17856669
I KNOW he wants alone time, that was the problem. I was just trying to understanding why he needs alone time at all. I'm absolutely not worried about him cheating or lying or anything like that. I just genuinely don't have the desire to be alone, so I want to spend all of my time with him. That being said, this thread helped me with that a bit,
>>17855997
>>17856095
I do have a lot of things going on in my life. I take over the maximum units in college every quarter and constantly do homework. Those aren't really enjoyable things, though, but I do have some hobbies to get back to once winter break starts. However, despite this, I crave being near him, even when I'm busy.

>>17856710
> I just genuinely don't have the desire to be alone
But he does for some of the time. You don't need to understand it, you just need to know he has this urge.

If I'm being honest OP, I have this feeling and I cant really describe the feeling. I guess it is a mix of the feeling of "mental overload" you get when someone throws this confusing, wild and overbearing conversation at you and the intense feeling of "id rather be doing something else right now"

>>17856710
Is your name Ashley?

>>17857543
No

>>17856691
Once again, I don't think he's lying when he says that he wants alive time. I just want to know whether wanting alone time stems from a subconscious distaste toward me that he doesn't himself realize. But I'm over that irrational worry now.

>>17856699
It was so brutal that I told me boyfriend about it and he found this thread

>>17853061
probably because you can't extract resources from him if he is alone away from you.

>>17853061
>men just don't care for their female partners enough and want to get away from them for sometime?

well men need some time alone because you lower their testosterone level when they fall in love with you and that is a mechanism to give your offspring a safer environment then having this dangerous high testosterone driven guy around your offspring.

>>17853111
like the other guys said you have a nice warm whole between your legs and guys are willing to put up with your shit just to get sex. male sex drive is like 3x stronger in males then in females and it gives you way more value then what you shouldn't have but nature made us that way because we need you for reproduction. without the male high sex drive humans would be extinct by now because guys would not approach you or would even care to be around you.

>>17857978
His sex drive is lower than mine.

>>17853061
I am a woman but couldn't imagine being in a relationship, living in the same room and sleeping in a same bed. I need to have my own room or even better, an apartment. I can't even work when others are in the same room.
I think most women also need alone time, maybe you are just so much in love right now that you have forgotten everything else and expect your boyfriend to entertain you.
It is kind of immature, everything revolves around a boyfriend.

>>17853061
I totally feel you OP.
I'm a guy in a LDR and my gf is luckily a very talky person, so even when we're apart she tells me all about her day which helps a lot when i miss her.
But sometimes she has depressive phases and then she doesn't want to talk to anyone. And while i respect her privacy and i'm completely fine with giving her as much alone time as she wants, i always have these feelings that she's getting less into me.
In the end i always end up telling her this and she gets really annoyed for a while and ignores me for days. And i think that's totally reasonable on her part.
This situation just happened again yesterday and i finally settled this in myself to not give these feelings out anymore. I've never been in a relationship before, so i guess that could be an excuse for me for thinking about these dumb things. I don't even know how she's still putting up with me, but she seems to love me in general.
I know her for an honest and direct person so she'd tell me if something was up.

Anyway, tl;dr: Stop doubting yourself and don't overanalyze things. Get yourself distracted with something that you makes you forget about time.

>>17853061

I've only skimmed the first few posts but

>Why do people need alone time?

You ever get that feeling where you just, out of the blue, feel like you occasionally need talk to people? How where you'll just be sitting alone at home for too long, then you just get this urge that's not exactly loneliness, not exactly boredom, but more like... there's this itch inside of you, almost like in your bones or maybe even in your teeth, or in the back of your head, that's driving you sliiightly crazy and you feel like you just need to get out of the house and DO something with someone?

Now picture that in reverse, where you just want to GET AWAY from everyone.

>>17858190
then he is getting it from some one else,too beta to break it off,afraid of being alone, wants some companionship here and there. women can only please men in a sexual level not an intellectual level so I don't think he finds you that interesting to be with you just for that reason.

>>17858306

seconded, this is exactly how it feels for me, and i LOVE my gf. sometimes i just need to do my thing. i dont mind if you are near me as long as you don't interfere with what im doing.

>>17858318
Literally you and anyone else who is going to say this fuck off this thread. This is not the thread for speculation on whether he's cheating on me.

For anyone that like, actually cares, this isn't really a man/woman issue. I mean that's a brilliant way to sidestep the issue and talk about something else.

There are literally billions of people out there, most of them need some time to themselves every now and then, and it's quite normal. If you can't sit down, by yourself, and not do anything for 30 minutes, then it's a sign that you need to get up, get out, and do more.

A lot of people feel rather lonely, get a bf/gf, and then that becomes the sole/major support network for them. Hence they feel lost without it. Make the world your support network and begin to love rather than fear.

Think of yourself like a tree. A nice young tree can weather a storm because it can bend, it doesn't snap. The roots slowly grow into the ground, they grow both in width and depth. If one root is severed, the tree remains calm and relies on the other roots. It's fine to have a big, major root in your life, but it's terrible practice have that as the own thing. All trees love themselves because they trust that they are on their path, and you should do the same too. Of course trees get cut down and get diseases like us too.