Borderline?

>>17852230
You don't deserve to have friends. Just fucking get over yourself.

>>17852391
I can't. Sometimes it feels like it's not me acting like this. The rage simply builds up and overwhelms me. It's like a panic attack, my thoughts are chaotic, my heart beats quickly and I feel an intense urge in hurting myself by doing those things. Though my depression and anxiety got better, I still feel like I have to fulfill all those defense mechanisms.

>>17852643
Have u told that to a psychologist?

>>17852652
Will tell it to my psychiatrist next time I see him. I just wanted to know if someone coped with something similar. It's not only since I take meds, but before I started I just felt without energy, suicidal, paranoid, had a sleeping disorder and wasn't that edgy, so I kind of failed to tell him that and we agreed that it's major depression.

>>17852230

You realise the anger is probably a symptom of the depression, right?

>>17852663
I would save that text and tell him that, word by word. Also, i havent been through something like that but, in my opinion, that behaviour comes from something way more deep than a depression (maybe some trauma that you had growing up), because depressive people usually think about killing themselves and not others.

>>17852230
I have pretty much the same problem OP. Though I dont take medicine. everytime I get these angry thoughts I try to calm myself down first and stop me trying to rationalize the thoughts of hurting the people I care for.
Trying to stop the thought pattern is hard but once you start noticing these irrational patterns you can stop them.
I also advise to stop the adoring thought pattern so you can even your emotions out

>>17852678
yeah probably, it's just so strong at the moment. I just remember that I always had this on-off personality where I could cut off friends that I was friends with since childhood one day and was strongly attached to them again the next day.
>>17852680
yes, I will tell him before it's taking over

>>17852230

OP we are the same. It's either bpd or ptsd, but both are similar.

>have gf
>have nice days sometimes, but other days if she does a tiny thing wrong I want to rape her and kill her

lol it's fun to be us

also I get the whole 'it gets better' people bullshit. Those fuckers live in a fucking la-la land.

I'm currently trying to accept that I feel nothing and I will never be like other people. Also trying to stay out of jail etc.

let people trash you, we're all gonna die anyway

It could be borderline. Good news for you, it tends to correct itself in the early 30s (sometimes later, not unlike narcissist personality disorder). Its probably correlated with maturing emotionally and mentally (after harsh life conditions beat you up). Have you tried cognitive-behavioral therapy (as the addition to your meds)? If you cant afford a therapist there are some pretty good books on that subject (like Feeling good, the new mood therapy by David Burns, also Albert Ellises' books, he wrote some pretty good shit about anger management).
t. psychiatrist

>>17852738
I don't know if I'm strong enough at the moment since I'm still quite paranoid and impulsive at some times.
>>17852745
I have my problems accepting that since I was born in an environment where failure is unforgivable, but it got easier since I'm on meds.
>>17852752
I feel like I never had the chance to mature emotionally since I was always pressured to match the standard of an intelligent student. Since now everything I did just resulted by going the "best" path and lately it all falls into pieces, nothing makes sense/fun anymore, I even hate the things I once loved. Mentally I always copied my parents and was a loner amongst the other kids.
Since I will have to wait about 1/2-1 years I will look into the books, thank you

>>17852779
>I don't know if I'm strong enough at the moment since I'm still quite paranoid and impulsive at some times.
stopping these thoughts does require a lot of energy and most of the time I fail, but it makes me feel very calm and secure if I can find these thought patterns

>>17852786
thank you, I will try it out

>>17852779
No problem. If you really are motivated, self critical and persistent in wanting to help yourself you will probably make a major progress. Just remember that there is no such thing as the best way (in practice, it might help you to accept and love yourself. Anyway, good luck, anon!

someone please post pdfs.

im losing my gf over this behvaiour and i need help

>>17852816
Talk to your gf about these problems and show you're willing to change, with help of a professional if needed.

Also, if you cant find those books stoic philosophy in general is really helpful (CBT actually found its inspiration in stoicism), and those works (like meditations from marcus aurelius and works by epictetus) are pretty much open source

>>17852888
classics.mit.edu/Epictetus/epicench.html