Looking for an /adv/ shrink or general advice

>>17851419
I forgot to mention it's a long one. If I had remembered to screencap it, I would have. Sorry about that.

>Homecoming is coming up, never had a date to any dance before, excited to try and go with this one pretty stuck-up girl in my class
>I ask her at the end of the day, she laughs and is like "WHAT??"
>Ends up telling me she's going with a friend, I'm like "okay, sorry"
>Go to homecoming alone, don't dance but have fun
>Spring comes up, have a thing for a teacher's daughter
>Rarely ever talk to her, super nervous
>After a good amount of pussyfooting, I give her my number and powerwalk to the bus because I'm a fucking loser
>No response, take it at face value
>Talk to this one girl on and off, she's like a 4-6/10
>We'd become besties somehow, but my friends give me shit for it because she's ugly
>She says shit like "My mom said we shouldn't talk to much if we aren't going to go out" or some shit like that
>Realize exactly where it's going and get the hell out of dodge, but remain her friend
>Summer time, cute teacher's daughter texts me out of the middle of nowhere
>Get hype, but decide to go for it
>We become decently good friends
>Fall of sophomore year, cute girl transfers and is on my bus
>Ask her to homecoming, she says yes
>She's like "wait as friends or do you like me"
>I tell her I like her but I'm fine with being friends
>End up going as friends, don't even go with each other, don't dance with each other, don't talk to each other
>We still talk outside of that
>I decide I like the teacher's daughter again
>Do drama club and what a coincidence, she's in it too
>Meet a really good friend of mine (Friend A) doing drama, I fucking love it
>Ask out teacher girl, get rejected like usual
>Friendzoned
>She ends up dating my best friend from freshman year, I'm happy for them
>She sends him nudes, he shows them to me
>Shit was cash

>>17851427
>Junior year comes along, best friend decides he doesn't like her anymore before homecoming
>I tell them to break up because if he goes with her and isn't happy, it'll be wasting his time
>He breaks up with her, she's devastated for a couple weeks
>Ride out the year with my bros
>Drama season again, work, and classwork has me super stressed
>Left eye fucking twitching involuntarily
>Meet with one of my teachers, she tells me I'm very close to a mental breakdown and something has to give
>End up dropping drama club
>Everything gets better, back to being a good student
>Senior Year
>Get nominated for Homecoming King, with teacher's daughter being suggested for Homecoming Queen
>We'd become best friends by that point
>One guy is jealous and gets all his friends to nominate another girl who had the same name for queen
>Finally start drinking the week before homecoming, black out
>Go to homecoming, win homecoming king, dance with teacher's daughter even though she wasn't nominated
>Shit was cash
>End up talking to a girl in one of my classes
>We become best friends
>Drama club starts up drama friend from before and I like the same girl
>I want to go for teacher's daughter, so does he
>We talk about it beforehand and I let him go for it because he's my bro
>Fastforward a few months
>Get trashed at a drama party, become pretty good friends with everyone there
>Opening weekend
>Best performance I've ever given, have a blast
>Bittersweet ending, going to miss it
>Write senior speech about my dead grandfather
>Senior week comes, drink like crazy
>Drama friend and teacher's daughter are basically dating, one girl comes in and drama friend cheats on teacher's daughter
>Everyone is upset, I have to keep everyone under control
>College
>Stay in-state because it's a good university
>Change jobs so I can be closer to campus
>Have a random roommate freshman year, we don't really get along
>The girls on my floor obviously like my roommate more than me

>>17851433
>Get drunk on the weekends, as usual in college
>Every time I got drunk, I had intentions of going out, but friends cancelled on me every time
>Got trashed at a party and blacked out in the first week of school, had to go to the hospital because my roommate thought I was gonna die
>Hang out with my friends on occasion, working all the time because I need money
>Accidentally walk in on my roommate and his girlfriend twice, both times when I was blacked out and didn't have control of what I was doing
>Anyway, make great friends at my new job, especially one guy I look up to as a brother
>I make jokes about killing myself all the time, the self-deprecation making a comeback
>He tells me he doesn't find it funny, and I cut the shit as soon as I can
>We become great friends, I feel happier for it
>New girl comes, she's in my grade and we become pretty great friends
>On the school front, everything is going alright except with my roommate
>RA wants to meet with me, saying my roommate wants a room change
>I'm completely sidelined by this, didn't know it was happening
>We eventually have a meeting, he talks about how he doesn't like it when I drink alone
>I tell him I don't mean to and I actually try to go out.
>Tell him I want to go out with people on the floor but think they all hate me
>He eventually says he feels uncomfortable when I'm in the room
>I'm fucking broken, call friends to rant about it because I'm pissed, but I'm also on the verge of tears
>Think I'm a piece of shit and should probably kill myself
>Eventually get through it, thinking that we'll get this sorted out in the spring
>Finals are coming up, want to talk to one cute girl in my class I obviously don't need a tutor for
>Last day of class (again, like a fucking retard, I know), ask her if she wants to study for finals
>Get her number, we talk here and there but can never study
>Get an email about a room change
>My roommate actually switched rooms and I have a new roommate

>>17851440>Feel betrayed and wonder what the fuck is wrong with me
>New guy ends up being really chill, we're pretty good friends
>Hanging out with coworkers during huge snowstorm, get fucking hammered
>Drunk text the girl from my class (finals girl) and cut myself off because I don't want to fuck up with her
>Decide I should ask her out, no response because "she's busy", doesn't go anywhere
>End up dropping it because what's the point in having hope, right?
>Spring goes relatively well, classes are super easy
>Try for some other girl in one of my classes, get rejected immediately
>At this point I'm trying to not be a wizard. I'm tired of feeling inferior to people around me and just want to talk to girls like everyone else
>At some point I apologize to the girl from first semester because I felt I was being annoying
>I don't remember what happened, but I know I was feeling shitty and like a burden on the people I'm around
>Sophomore year is coming up
>Make plans to room with drama friend from high school (the guy who cheated on teacher's daughter; Roommate A), another friend from high school (the guy that ended up going out with my sophomore year homecoming date; Roommate B), and their roommate (Roommate C)
>Take summer classes so I can get ahead of the game
>Meet one girl who's really chill and attractive
>Ask about joining an intramural team, she would love to do it
>Talk to her here and there, she ends up bringing up her boyfriend and I'm like "okay have fun!"
>Not really crushed, but imagine it's the end of the friendship
>Roommate B and I hang one night and drink, we start talking about his depression
>I tell him we're always here for him because that's what friends are for
>We become pretty good bros, everything is going well with him and his girlfriend
>Roommate A is still together with the girl he cheated with
>At some point in the summer, I take Roommate B on a vacation with my parents and we have a blast until we had to leave early because of weather

>>17851442
>School is coming up
>One of my coworkers jokingly calls me autistic and I take it to heart, fearing that I actually am autistic
>>I mean, there's definitely something wrong with me, right?
>Start asking teacher's daughter and coworker who's like a brother (who has gone onto the armed forces by this point, he was a senior when I was a freshman) if I'm weird
>They reassure me I'm fine
>Fall semester eventually starts
>Excited to live with my bros, have a great first few weeks
>Roommate B ends up spending 90% of his time away from the dorm, either with his girlfriend or studying
>He ends up breaking up with his girlfriend and feels down about it
>He tries some drug and really wants to talk to her, I convince him not to and go have a deep conversation with him about how he can do better and how if it's meant to be it'll happen
>He finally agrees and everything goes well
>At this point, I bomb two of my exams after studying a bunch for them
>Roommate A does better than me on both of them (little bit, we still didn't do well, but still.)
>Oh no
>It's the beginning of the end
>Talk to Roommate B's ex one day (for some reason I end up being great friends with girls I try to ask out. No clue why)
>Roommate B sees me and gets weird about it, but I don't really care
>later that week Roommate B's ex tells me that he asked her if we were talking romantically
>He did it that night we had the long talk, too
>I feel pissed, knowing that he went behind my back twice, especially when I was talking to him
>Don't want to talk to him for a bit because I'm pissed, even though I know it's his anxiety and paranoia
>We end up talking here and there, the intramural I talked about is coming up
>Get Roommate B and coworker on the team with a bunch of other randos
>We lose our first game, I feel like I shouldn't be captain because I'm shit at the sport
>Win our second
>At this point, I had been eyeing a cute girl (Girl A) in two of my classes, super nervous to talk to her

>>17851446
>Talk to some other attractive girl (Girl B) in my class with ease, mainly just to see if I could do it. Get her number and we start talking (as friends)
>Confused as to how I could just talk to a hot girl like that, but don't capitalize on girl A for a while
>Back to sports: Third game we lose because we didn't have enough people show up, get bummed out
>Finally talk to Girl A and get her number, make plans to study later on
>She seems chill and I'm surprised everything is going well
>End up failing the third exam, roommate (who hadn't been to class in like two weeks) still does better than me
>Hope declining
>Invite Girl A to a party we're throwing for Thanksgiving, she says her boyfriend is coming down to pick her up and she's not sure if they'll even be in state then
>Numb to it at this point, but I'm still like "fuck"
>Stop texting her completely because I'm afraid of annoying her because I'm a piece of shit
>Break happens and it's pretty alright, much needed
>Roommate A hooks up with a cheerleader who is dating someone on the football team
>I'm jealous but also fear for all of our lives now
>Get trashed with roommates (as is typical for the weekend)
>Have a dream that I asked Girl B to go somewhere and we ended up dating but I felt bad about not having experience so I wanted to break up with her
>Still confused by that dream even now
>Text Girl A "Hey" but get a read receipt
>Later that week send her answers to questions, she says thanks but I didn't really need to send her those
>I apologize because that's all I ever fucking do
We're almost done, I'm probably wasting my time on this. Pastebin would have worked better

>>17851451
Forgot to mention:
>Third exam in second class comes up
>Roommate and I both know we're going to fail since we hadn't been to class in a while
>I study more than him anyway
>Take the exam, drink the pain away again
>Cue the dream with Girl B I mentioned earlier
Okay, now we're up to speed
>Wake up crying the other night
>Remember the dream vividly
>>I saw my cat get run over twice and he died in my arms
>Get the exams back a couple days ago, Roommate A and I both failed but he still did better than me
>Extremely jealous at this point
>We constantly make jokes about killing ourselves (I'm sorry my one friend in the armed forces, it's a bad habit)
>He says we're like the boys who cried wolf
>Get scared and decide to look at funny shit
>See a wizard thread
>Realize how dangerously close to 20 I am
>Wonder about the future and what's wrong with me
>I seem to be a fuckup no matter what it comes to. If I haven't fucked it up yet, I'll fuck it up in due time
>Decide to come into a feels thread for some reason
>Tell my story
>See someone tell me not to kill myself, see other people talk about things that actually matter
>>Realize how much of a fucking loser I must sound like, typing about problems that are solved within months without paying attention to the actual things wrong with me
>>Think I should kill myself and do everyone a favor
>>Realize it'll be selfish as fuck
>>Can't bring myself to abandon all of my friends, no matter how much I may burden them
>>Can't just leave my dad, who called me his miracle child
>>Can't just leave my sister, who may need me more than ever
>>Can't leave my cat, who probably considers me his best friend
>>Can't leave without telling the rest of my story, because I know there's stuff I haven't told you all
>>I can't leave just yet
Because my story's not over.

That's it, /adv/. Any advice? I'm definitely not an alcoholic. I just want to know what's wrong with me and what I can do to fix it. There's so much I want to change.

>>17851458

Don't compare yourself to other people, what they do and how they do things. Just stick to yourself and do what's right. Jealousy is not a very motivating factor, are you studying for yourself or just to compete with your roommate? When it comes to the girl related stuff, give it time. You're just 19, you can't expect to have an immense success with girls, you're still young and you'll get there, also these are rejections not even in a talking/relationship kind of stages, you can't take them to heart that much. Ultimately, you just lack motivation, once you find it everything will work out, find a hobby or do something new to get yourself started. Suicide isn't really an option as you've listed, so don't even consider it, once you find something you want to do or someone you genuinely want to be with or just find yourself, because you're young and confused, everything will just work out. It really just depends on you. Also, sorry didn't mean to come off as mean, just trying to point things out for you.

>>17851529
I'm studying for my own benefit. The roommate stuff is more of friendly competition.

I think what gets me down the most about girls, besides everyone being ahead of me (even though I shouldn't compare myself to others), is that I never even had a chance to get to the talking stage.

In terms of hobbies, I cooked for the first time in a while and it made me pretty happy. I don't know why, but I really like cooking.

Thanks for your help, anon

Also, I forgot to mention that my eye twitch is back. It may be because of finals week, but it's probably worth noting