Wanting to help my mother, dont know how.

She says constantly how filthy the house is, how shes about to go clean it, but then spends the next 4 hours on the computer watching tv shows.
I have tried to clean, she gets up me because I'm making her feel like shes incapable of cleaning/ making her feel guilty because the house is dirty. I just dont want to be walking literally animal faeces through the house. There is literally shit on the floor and she will get up me if I clean it because I 'do it half assed' and shes apparently about to clean it.
The times that I have been able to vacuum and mop without her getting up me, my father will tell me I'm doing it wrong and to redo it. My father doesnt do housework because he goes to work. My mother cooks for him and brings him drinks when he asks. He can be sitting across the room from her and ask for a drink and she will make him one.

I try to do the dishes, she gets up me because I'm not doing them right or shes about to do it and makes me stop. If I don't she screams at me until I walk away.
She washes dishes with dirty smelly chucks cloths, she washes dog dishes with dog food in it before she washes our eating plates and stuff, which is spreading so many germs.
When the cloths get so dirty I go to throw them out and she loses her shit, she then bleaches them to reuse.
I have thrown out so many and replaced them with clean ones I have bought because it is gut churning to think about.

The inside of the fridge has filth on it, the pantry cupboard has filth where food sits, the place where we keep cups and plates and shit have filth on it. Everything is filthy and I can't do fucking anything about it without getting screamed at.

She has chickens, if I feed them I am taking it away from her and making her feel useless, if I dont feed them I never help with them.

My boyfriend came up earlier in the year to spend some time with me and he was the one who pointed out how filthy the house was. It opened my eyes and its like I was seeing my home properly for the first time in years. There is so much filth and grime and dust literally everywhere and I dont know how I didnt see it before. There are rooms of just junk in them, she says I have 5 rooms full of stuff but I have my room and the spare bedroom closet for my things.

She smokes, I have bought her a vape (yeah I know) and she was using it for a while and it was going really good. Shes stopped using it and now smokes more.
She goes to the supermarket literally every day to buy more food. My father did the math and 'apparently' she spends $700 a week on food. I genuinely do not know how, because they don't eat that much food and I'm not eating it. There is only the 3 of us. She uses the excuse that she needs to get food as a way to get a packet of cigarettes, she smokes at least 1 packet (40 cigs) a day.

>>17847099
Dear op.

Given your word choice. You're not based in the US, I imagine.

Your mom needs help, that's for sure. As a nurse, however, she has a skill set and can easily work a more administrative position like care or case management for chronic care patients.

Also, get the fuck out asap. You'll be better off for it.

I have tried to talk to her about how it has gotten, she used to be completely different. When she was working she would still clean the house on her days off and was just happier. I have suggested we all go to talk to someone about how we feel and she flipped out.

She cannot be on time for anything. If we need to go to a family gathering or something it does not matter when in the day it is we will always be 30min+ late for it. It is so frustrating.
She talks to the supermarket worker about how noone helps her around the house, how noone is nice to her, while I'm standing there with her.

She told me today that nothing she does is good enough to me, which is literally the reverse. I keep quiet about how I feel about this because it will upset her and make her go off.
She will sit on the phone to her mother or sister or ANYONE and I will overhear her lying about things I've said to her, making up lies about what I do and how shes the victim. I have confronted her before while she was on the phone because I overheard her saying to her sister a lie about me and she back peddled, so she knows shes wrong for doing it.

I try to do nice things with her, I take her to lunch and coffee to get her out of the house. She doesnt have any friends.
Any advice on where to go from here? I dont know what I can do to help her, I'm thinking about cleaning the whole house tomorrow regardless of how she reacts just to get it clean.

>>17847115
she refuses to go for admin jobs. I dont know why but she wont apply for them.
I want to move in with my boyfriend, he lives a 10hour+ drive away but I dont want to quit my job because it pays decently and I dont want to be jobless for a considerable amount of time which could very well happen if I move.
Its a risk I'll have to take and I'm planning on doing it mid next year, but I do love my mother and I'm a bit worried how she'll react if I move

>>17847135
This is a tricky situation to say the least, OP! I know what it is like to work with difficult relatives that lie and will talk to literally anybody because they have no friends. What does your dad say about all of this? No offense, but he sounds dreadful!

>>17847135
Painkillers and laziness are eating away at her, that's clear. A shame too, as nurses make a decent wage.

If dad won't step up n help change, then he doesn't care.

Time to leave the nest, young anon. It'd be scary, but worth it

>>17847234
Dad blames all money problems on her smoking, which isnt 100% fair. He has 2k of hearing aids he doesnt ware, 4 'project cars' he isnt fixing and is rotting away so thats money wasted.
>>17847241
Its like he doesnt see how dirty the house is either. He is the typical dad where nothing you do is good enough so why bother trying.

>>17847252
Ah, well I second the other person: leave the nest! Abort! Abandon ship! Come back in a few months and see if things have gotten worse.

Have you and your brother talked about having an intervention?

>>17847263
I dont have a brother, I am an only child.

>>17847278
Sorry, I thought you said brother when you actually said boyfriend. That would be a really awkward intervention... Just run away