How do I get my bf to be more dominant and assertive in bed?

habe you had a honest talk about your wants and needs? and his? maybe he is awefully uncomfortable "hurting" you. after all, it's counter intuitive to spank and chocke the person you love...
it also goes against everything you've ever been taught. maybe he'a afraid to genuinely hurt you? there are many possible obstacles here that all are far from "he doesn't care about what i want". try to see his side to this too. and hope he is willing to do the same for you. but it seems so since he goes trough with it when asked to.

It can also be not exciting for him...
I knew I would not like that. Feels weird, unfunny and unnecessary.

>>17833015
What you're saying makes sense. He is more of a gentle, passive person, but I suppose I'm just wondering if this is something that can be changed or if he'll never be into it.

I'm hesitant to bring up a formal talk because he'll probably feel obliged to give in, and I'd hate to make him act a way he doesn't want to. At the same time, small requests and heavy hints don't work. Do I give up? Is it embedded in his personality to be gentle and not dominant?

>>17833035
You wouldn't even like being a little rough, like some light hair tugging or holding someone down? (I'm assuming you're a guy)

Is it not...a primal instinct?

>>17833037
i personally think that introducing more "kinky" stuff into a relationship should be done woth care and patience if you genuinely want the relationship to last. it might very well be, that he will never get into it. then you two might not be sexually compatible. which is extremely common but a major obstacle. in that case, you habe to find out how important this is to you ans if you are able to lice without it for the sake of being with him or not.
that said, you might want to not only tell him to "spank you", but put it in context. maybe do some light roleplay? maybe he can step out of his gentle self a tad better if he's in the role of an authority figure? maybe you need to add WHY you want to be spanked. do you even know why? and after all, it might be relieving for him to admit that this is unfamiliar and odd to him and that he isn't very comfortable doing those things but willing to give it a try. he might need a lot of positive reinforcement to be confident enough to keep it up.

>>17832995
tease him. the more you act like a slut, the more inclined he will be to treat you like one.

say things like

>hurt me daddy
>i want you to treat me like a whore
>i love it when you hurt me

some guys want to be rough and dominant, especially because girls usually like it, but we also get worried that the girl will genuinely not like it.

>>17833062
Thanks for the advice. I don't even know why I feel this way...perhaps through years of behaving in school, doing well in academics, being reserved and suppressing my sexuality.

I only care so much because we both love each other very much, and at this point I'm certain I want to marry him. But I'm not sure if it's possible to change someone's desires.

>>17833080
legit reason. tell him that. fetishes are a way to counter a trait that needs balance irl about 80% of the cases (rough guess with no scientifical background).
but understand that his reasons for being hesistant might be truly legitimate too. maybe heis dad hit his mom and that deeply disturbed him or something. or hitting a girl was on the same level as gasing the jews in his family... who knows.

it's pretty normal to want everything to be perfect if you think anout marriage since the tought of spending the rest of your life, especially your sexlife, wirh ONE person is rather frightening and awakes the doubt that they are "the right one". but there is no perfect partner. if you find one who's sominant in bed, he might in turn have some communication problems outside of the bedroom and so on. there's no "perfect deal" so you need to be carefull when weighting the pro's and con's of a relationship

>>17833063
This, specially if he starts to hesitate in the middle of it, say those things to him in a very sexy tone. Any man of respect would get the message.

>>17832995

First off stop making him wear those womans lingerie.

But in all honesty i think you should try and wrestle him don't give him the puss until he actually WINS it from you. Do try not to frustrate him though.

>>17833211
Is that...?

>>17833239
Is that....?

>>17833527
Is that.....?

>>17833528
Is that.....?

>>17833538
Is that...?

>>17832995
What's wrong with women like you. I have zero desire to hit my wife. I don't even understand how you could find that attractive.
Crazy ass bitches. Be happy he does it once or twice.

>>17833037
OP please be tactful when bringing the topic up. If done wrongly you could very well hurt his confidence. At least I've been in similar situations and honestly? I ended up feeling emasculated. Unless you're certain that he will know to not take this to heart, try being as tactful as possible.

One way to do this is to not blame him. Do not make it look like it's his fault (and really, it's not - that's how he is, and if you seriously want to marry him you will have to learn to accept and love everything from him). Try also being understanding of his own views. Us non kinky guys were educated to not be rough with women, and suddenly having our couple saying "hit me!" is a big change and it makes us feel inadequate.

>Is it embedded in his personality to be gentle and not dominant?
Very likely so. Unless he's repressing something (I believe it's unlikely at this point) that's just how he is and you shouldn't be willing to change him at all. Take that or leave him, it's that simple. You could, however, teach him. Gently guide him and don't demand much. For example you could just grab his wrist carefully and bring his hand to your neck. Don't tell him to grip it, just tell him to keep the hand there, even if lightly.

Small changes and a ton of patience go a long way.

>>17833637
This. Patience is key. Some question: have you been together long? How 'advanced' are you together? How important is this to you? Something youd break up over?

Does he know about it? If you are as close as you say then maybe he WANTS to do it but just isnt comfortable yet. Maybe he has reasons for not wanting to do it right now. Remember, be patient and let things happen on their own. And these things can always be worked on :)

>>17833050
>Is it not...a primal instinct?
Wow. That's probably one of the most ignorant things I've ever heard.
Usually you want to protect the ones you love. Those who have an "instinct" to hurt and dominate are usually awful people.

>>17833661
And it is possible to change someomes desires. These things are not carved in stone and there is joy in discovering new things together as a couple. However it does take time and patience

>>17832995
I'm in the same boat OP. My husband chokes me from time to time and spanks me but I want it more, harder, all the time...I want him to bite me and grab me by the handful. Yet I feel like it defeats the purpose if I have to ask for it.

>>17833637
This

If I have to give my two cents in but you might have to bring the animal out in him. He could be gentle on the outside but a conqueror at heart. He needs to feel like you are his and I mean he knows you are but he needs to get himself into this mood that he owns you as you are having sex. Like, with spanking, its a lot more kinkier, in my opinion, when its your butt hes entitled to spanking to and should do so carefree.

He may only feel awkward about it because dominating may be awkward because he may not know definitively how you feel about him. That kind of stuff ya' know?

>>17833729
>you might have to bring the animal out in him
Mind you, he might not have any, or maybe that animal is just a deer rather than a tiger.

>He could be gentle on the outside but a conqueror at heart.
Or he could not be.

What I'm trying to get to is: it's possible that he's holding himself, but don't expect for it to be the case. It might be anything.

>>17832995
It's entirely possible he just doesn't want to do those things, speaking as a guy who doesn't want to do those things.

>>17833598
What's wrong with men like you. I have zero desire to have sex with men. I don't even understand how you could find that attractive.
Crazy ass faggots. Be happy you get to fuck women.

tl;dr: You're an idiot.

>>17832995
When I'm feeling dominant I turn her around, get behind her, lean over and bit her ear while I put my hand around her throat, and slowly and firmly push my dick into her ass