Hello, everyone! I am here to offer guidance, help, advices and

>>17829839
Thanks for doing this!
So, when I started university , I lived at a student place, and my neighbours were these two girls from Germany who i became really good friends with.

They were only in America for a few months, and we all kind of drifted apart, but on their last couple weeks I really bonded with one of them. I think because I knew she was leaving I felt safe opening up to her, but that ended up being a trap because it meant i missed her when she left. Against my original intention, we ended up staying in touch and talking often. I think she was kind of my first proper friend, really, but having, someone know me that well is terrifying, so I was prone to cutting her out every few months. She was back in Germany and I was in the the US at the time so she didn't have a way to contact me when I was ignoring her, but she still forgave me each time and we'd go back to talking.

Our friendship got worse starting this year. Eventually, when I decided where to move I was picking between Germany and Canada . Even though our friendship was kind of worse by this point, May 2016 onwards, I decided to move to Germany. She wasn't a big factor, but it was a nice bonus.

It was nice seeing her here in her country of Germany at first, but eventually we got into a habit of having insult matches masked as 'jokes'.

She'd get mad and storm off or something, but be fine the next day, whereas I'd hold a grudge at her storming off, and sure enough we'd be back at arguing. It kind of became all we did.

I had a german Oktoberfest party and we started arguing in the middle of it because she told me she would stay for the full party, but ended up leaving early. It was pretty stupid, but we were both mad.

>>17829885

cont'd) We talked a few days after and she wasn't mad anymore, but I was a little hurt, and we argued a little more.

About a month ago I sent her a message saying we couldn't be friends anymore, but I appreciate her and wish her all the best. That was before I cut off all lines of communication, blocked, etc.


conclusion: How do I stop cutting people out of my life all the time? If someone does something to me, even if it's not bad, if they aren't genuinely apologetic I can never get past it. I'm still mad at some of my friends for small things they did years ago but didn't apologize for.

It's ruining my life and I just lost the best friendship I've ever had because of it. I'm going to end up sad and alone if I don't get over my pride


For example, I really miss her now, but I feel like I have to live and die by my decision, and can't get over the small way she hurt me which feels like a personal attack. It feels like too much stress to let back in anyone who understands me or who has known me for a long time, because I'm re-adopting all of our old problems in the process

>>17829899
this is someone ive known better than anyone ever for 1.5 years and moved to the same country as! And I felt cutting them out was my only option as a result of the story.

(last post. thanks again)

>>17829839

How do I find someone I'm compatible with?

After getting out of a 3 year relationship several months ago I haven't been able to really connect with anyone else. I tend to get bored of people within the month and find it hard to see them as anymore than a temporary lull to pass the time.

I don't have feelings for my ex anymore as he fucked me over real good and I've dealt with those repercussions. I feel as if I'm open to new people and opportunities so I can't understand what this wall I have is.

How do I find potential partners whom I genuinely enjoy their company and want to do more than fuck them?

>>17829899
>How do I stop cutting people out of my life?

Firstly, I'd like to remember you that you are a lot more than just this aspect of your life. The pride and anger, ressentment and so on, they are just a part of you, not the whole you, after all, you did feel love (friendship love) towards that girl, didn't you?

Feeling ressentment is not rare at all, and most people tend to forget that there is more to life than it, dwelling in a bad moment for days on, forgetting that there is place (here) and a moment (now) in which whatever angers the person does not exist anymore.

What I'm trying to say is that before you actually stop doing the 'cut offs', you need to see it as a part of you - not the whole you, or just something to throw away. It has it's use to you.

It really does. You have discovered that insults in the form of jokes aren't something you stand, per say. Also, it helps you notice the difference between something you want around and something you don't.

We work with emotions and thoughts, as in what you think generates an emotion, which generates a thought that goes back to an emotion... As in feedback. The moment you see the thought or emotion, it's important to stop the feedback, if you wish to lower the impact it has on you.

There are many ways to do it, but there's no way to notice the thought if you aren't conscient about it, looking at the present moment, not the past. I'll give you two ways to change the pattern.

The first way is just to change the thought. You think "I can't stand her! She said one thing, did another!" and you notice you thought that, so you change it to something that fits the way you want to be, as in "Okay, she is free, she can choose that. I'm the one who shouldn't be counting on her choices to keep my calm". It requires a great deal of pride swallowing, but I'm sure you'll see changes if you keep doing it.
(Continues)

>>17829962

The second way is an emotional way. You use a good emotional spike to change a bad emotional pattern. In english, it means that when you are feeling all that hatred, you shuold find a way to feel love.
Go help someone who needs on /adv/. Go help your mom with the laundry. This will change your focus and will bring you a different emotional pattern, changing the feedback and lessening the effects of ressentment on you.

>>17829965
Thank you. That's very helpful. Do you mind if I reply with questions to a couple of the things you said, or is that pushing it?

>>17829945

You do realise that everybody has it's own time to heal wounds right?... That is even more true when it comes to emotional wounds. This is just a shot in the dark, but it might be that your time hasn't passed yet. In that case, seeking for interesting people is just a way to avoid dealing with the bad feelings inside and... girl... that's a one way ticket to getting confused about feelings: hiding them from yourself.

On a second thought, and a more practical one, making people interesting is a good way. "But how do I make people interesting, I can't change them!" It's true, you can't... But you can change yourself. In my experience, questioning people for things that interest me helped a lot. Usually something profound to the person will help her show her good sides, and the good sides are interesting. Example: Ask people about their dream careers. Ask them 'what if' questions to get a glimpse of their personalities, get to know their life when they were kids, crazy shit that happened to them. This first tip adds up to the second.

I'm sure you have hobbies, I'm sure you have things you've never done that you wish to do... Go practice your hobbie and go do those things. The new people you'll meet, the new stories you'll hear, all those things might just light that little spark in the dark.

Bottom line is: You should seek your interest. The interesting people will come to you because, then, you will be interesting, like a lighthouse shining bright enough to lure in new ships and new stories.

>>17829972
I don't mind new questions, but I'll have to give preference to other people who come in with their own troubles.

>>17829962
>>17830009
okay thanks, well if you can't get to this response then I appreciate the help nonetheless

>It really does. You have discovered that insults in the form of jokes aren't something you stand, per say. Also, it helps you notice the difference between something you want around and something you don't.

I worry though because I've cut out each and every person I've ever let enter my life. It feels like it's their consequence for getting close to me. I wish I didn't cut her out but I feel like I can't be her friend because of all the resentment and reintroduction of old problems.

Its almost like cutting people out makes me feel like all the stress associated with them disappears. It's better short term but lonelier in life. I've lost everyone because of it, and keep moving across the world.


When I get to an emotionally happy state, it's like I forget them in the past and have no desire to talk to them.

I don't think there's value in it here, because she genuinely is the best, sweetest person I've ever known, but like with all of my previous friends, I can't let them back in once I've kicked them out, even though I kick them out for stupid reasons -- purely because it feels like they've personally "wronged me" with their actions. I kick them out and then miss them, but can never take them back in my mind.


My parents used to move around all the time when I was little, and I didn't live in the same country for more than a year until I was 13 if it changes anything.

>>17829839
How can I have fun on my own?

I can get confident and talk playfully to other people if I have an old friend by my side, but once I'm alone I'm a complete piece of shit. All I care is about looking and talking normal even though that is not what I actually want. If I want to ask a professor something I can't pay attention at all, I unconsciously prioritize to pretend I'm understanding everything than actually understanding it. I get lost in thought when I'm talking and end up saying nonsense. I'm 20 yo and I've been living like this since ever.

Should I see a professional and maybe take some medicine? I've heard about some of them.

I understand this is not an actual question but I wanted to check about my case with someone.

Thank you.

>>17830015
My connection on the pc dropped. Ill rewrite it here, might take a moment.

>>17830147
ah, sorry for the effort, thanks in advance

>>17830015
Cutting people off is no solution. It aure looks like it, but work similarly to hiding dust under the carpet.
Althought it seems bad, conflict has a lot of importance in life. It shows you aspects of yourself and your limits, and above all they invite us to change, to rise.
The way i see it, you are about to change that pattern. You can see it and notice it for what it is, and that alone modifies it.

An emotionally happy emotional state usually means the person is living the moment fully, it seems like you forgot them, but it's just the focus that changed. There's a lesson here.

I have an exercise for you. Close your eyes and take a deep breath, exhaling slowly... Repeat until you are relaxed. Now picture the girl in front of you... Her body, clothes, everything lifelike, vivid. Now look in her eyes, stare at them - it might be hard. Now notice how you feel about it, and its ok if its confusing. Just tell her all thats in there. Yell your anger at her, swear aan express your view. Remember to tell her the respext you have to... The genuine feeling of adoration and friendship, tell it too, looking in her eyes.
When its all out, i want you to genuinelly forgive her, looking in her eyes - remember sher fights a war you know nothing about, her anger might not be at you... And at last, i want you to genuinely forgive yourself, no matter the reason to, or why, that pops up.

Finally, once you are done with it, repeat the breathing untill you calm down.

>>17830208
and then should I forgive her in real life too? Even though only the imaginary her was apologetic, not the real life one?

>>17830215
her being a stand in for any of my friends I put in this scenario

>>17830133
What makes you playfull and talkfull?
When you find yourself in that... mood again, stop for a moment and feel your body. Are you loosen up?...
If you want, you can replicate it by leading yourself to whatever brought it in the firat place.
This symptons you tell me look like anxiety, as in you feel comfortable around friends but not on your own...
You sure can take medicines to help out, but you sure can practice getting more and more opened and confident without them too.
I don't have many information about you to be sure, but id like to suggest to you that you talk to one single stranger for 3 days, one each day. Ask them what time is it or comment on the weather. If thats easy for you, then you'll have to tell me more about you.

>>17830215
I can't say if you should or not in real life... I dont know her to tell of she's someone id like to be around. Its not what i think, but you.
You should do what you feel confortable to do. Forgiving in real life or not doesn't matter right now, the moment might come to you that it does, even by a surprise bump on the streets, but still, I dont have a view on it.

>>17830255
Thank you so much OP. I promise i'll try all these solutions and exercises in future encounters, and maybe revisit old people i've cut out one day with the same tactics


you genuinely may have changed my life


thanks so much!

Hey anon, should I be worried that my official diagnosis is PNOS and I'm not taking my meds?