Coming to terms with the past?

I think the first thing you need to do is remove any notion of guilt or shame. You were very young, and this older girl obviously manipulated you into doing these things that you feel ashamed of. Yes, there were warning signs and events that would have made others jump ship earlier, but you were young and afraid.

Your ex is a piece of shit, no doubt. No person with a shred of moral dignity would do that to another person.

May I ask you what attracted you to your ex? I only ask because I think your answer will help you come to terms with your past.

>>17809766
I am happily married now my husband is nothing like my ex so you do not have to worry about future abuse Anon at least.

He was very controlling and a lot like her. Even though I hate her I feel weak and it has taken me a lot not to get back in contact with her.

>>17809784
I'm really glad to hear that. It sounds like you have already done a lot of work in dealing with this emotionally if you have found a loving husband, very admirable.

Do you still find yourself somewhat drawn to personalities like her in your friend circles or workplace? And what were your parents up to during your teen years?

>>17809792
Thankyou Anon :)

Well the truth of the matter is I am an agoraphobic and work from home because of it. I have only online friends and all of them have similar personalities to me, one of them is a victim of sexual abuse as a child as well.

I feel like this is holding me back from moving forward in my life and career. Not only that but I can not really sleep at night I sleep at most 4 hours a night I have panic attacks at night and will have random panic attacks during the day too. The anxiety and panic attacks are taking a large toll on my health while I am seeking medical help already I feel stuck.

>>17809792
To add at that time my dad was recovering from his PTSD and my mom bipolar disorder got bad.

>>17809801
I'm very sorry to hear that, it must be very difficult to deal with.

Well the obvious truth here is that you seem to have developed agoraphobia as a result of your experience with Olvia. I would posit that it stems from a fear of being controlled/manipulated again. This is a serious milestone to overcome considering that pretty much every social interaction has tiny elements of control involved.

I'm not a psychologist so I'm afraid I can't go into much more depth, but my advice would be as follows. I think it would be a good idea to talk to your dad about it. You've shared a similar experience, I think it would likely benefit you both to have someone close to talk to that has gone through a similar thing. I think you need to find the right psychiatrist/therapist, plenty are rubbish and plenty are also not suitable for some people. It's like in pokemon when you pick your started, you've got to pick one that fits your personality, finding a good therapist is a lot harder of course. Perhaps in the short term the therapist you choose can prescribe some medication to help with the sleep while you two deal with the root cause.

Fundamentally I think your recovery needs to be about re establishing trust with people, everyone. No small feat. I think the best way to do this is one small but forward step at a time. Tiny interactions with people on occasion, documenting them, and trying more and more (though undoubtedly over a long period). Talking with your dad could be a very good starting point for this.

>>17809836
Thank you Anon I will try this :)

Yes I have been looking for a good physiologist for 10 years now.

>>17809844
I wish you all the best, thank you for sharing your story with me, it know it must have been difficult.