alone

>>17809521
Their emotional response (which is usually just very subtle or passive aggressive) triggers my emotional response and I'm starting to search problems in my social side. If I was mean to them, rude, didn't listen their problems, talked too much, ignored them and so on. Sometimes problems turn out to be very trivial, like I never noticed to buy toilet paper or create too much mess visiting them. On emotional level I can't understand that kind of response. If a friend stole something from me or broke my computer, it doesn't change how I feel at all. Only social/emotional aspects do. If they never wash dishes or shit the toilet door open, I might not like it but it doesn't do anything emotionally. I can also have long arguments about politics, science, work or school without our relationship changing, even if my opponent is for instance, racist or sexist. My opinion on them as a person relies completely on how they are emotionally at that moment.
But then again, totally random smile, lack of it or just their changed behaviour because of something completely random can change instantly if I see them as friends. Or just time, not seeing each other for few weeks, finding other friends and so on. Like I'm drained of all emotions I had for them.
I even can't say I had them before, it was probably excitement who that person is. But I can't see it.
Otherwise, I don't think I have lack of empathy, I react strongly to movies, people's faces, also care about social issues, animals, can't watch someone tortured or bullied. I have high sense of fairness but it doesn't matter who the person is for me. Although it is universal, it also depends how the pain is portrayed. Sad music, expressive face and so on. I doubt I'm a sociopath for that reason.
I feel that I don't have any past or future, all the memories are installed in me like I am a robot.

>>17809564
At the same time I am very depressed and have been since childhood, part of it is because of my autistic tendencies which cause conflicts but not all. I had always that natural state of sadness even in normal situations, like going to an excursion on a bus or just having a break at school. I never felt comfortable anywhere, was afraid to be in the same car with my family, was so aware and a little bit scared talking to anyone, just because they were around. My parents, friends, classmates. Even when we got along and even those who had never done anything bad.
I think then I just wanted to have friends and because I rarely did, I couldn't even recognize I can't connect to them. I've never picked anyone, just talked to those who talked to me. Being int he same room and not feeling like I have a birthday and they are my guest and I have to entertain them has never happened to me. Like in movies where they just are casually around others but do their own thing. Either I am socially turned on or totally out, don't even react when someone asks something.

The last part should just explain my situation, that I'm rather emotional, not otherwise cold, don't lack empathy but just can't feel the connection of presence of a particular person any more. I've never been friends (where I recognize them) with someone over few months if even that.

>>17809564
just to clarify, I can't almost recognize faces and don't know who people are after meeting them a few times. All male actor look the same becuase they have similar haircut and -color. It took me 3 years to separate between all the boys in my class because they all had the same clothing style and haircut. Comparing Facebook pictures is very helpful nowadays but even then I can't really see how the person in one photo is the same as in another.
I can't also recognize facial expressions well but if I do (often accompanied by sad music or story) I am very compassionate. However, I find pictures of strong facial expression ugly sometimes. Like people laughing on their fb profile photo, it makes their teeth big. Fake Hollywood smile, it distorts their face and makes them uglier. I would never put up a photo where I smile teeth open because I find it so ugly like it is distorted. It makes my lower part of face bigger and eyes smaller. I can't even see the emotions that others can, just ugly.

sounds like you might have a legit memory disorder or something dude.

>>17809521
Generalized anxiety disorder.
I need to go back to therapy myself.
It is lonely. I understand you.

>>17809600
I don't think it is about memory. I remember social events better than most, probably because I haven't had so many of them.