Suffering from depression, anxiety and insomnia.

>>17791197

I feel ashamed doing this but I set up a gofundme trying to help myself out. Obviously, this is completely fruitless and nigh on impossible levels of wishful thinking.

I need money, but everyone needs money, I need time and I have roughly 2 years in the social machine of the government until I can start seeking alternate aid in its convoluted system. Honestly, I wish I could just win the lottery or have one of those bizarre lucky breaks in something.

Sorry if this depresses anyone, I'm just rambling borderline in tears at how pathetic I am as a human, especially now as I consider e-begging. I don't know if being self-aware is helpful and I'm doubting my own intentions. Sorry I just need to talk to someone, I think.

I know how you feel. Sometimes I feel like I can't get it together, and I get angry at myself or my friends or family. I'm restless, and I can barely sleep at night. Just keep on moving, That's really the only thing we can do. I know this sounds like a fucking joke, but I got your back, OP.

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>>17791197
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GLjelIPg3ys

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>>17791460
>Just keep on moving,
no , take time to stop and just breath
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kaNO09cPS6c&spfreload=1

>>17791197
I know how you feel.
I've got lots of emotional problems, particularly with women, but I manage.
What makes me happy are the simple things.
Like the best part of my life is cooking a good meal while listening to music, then having a good beer while I eat it.
That's good stuff

I also made bad decisions as a young man.
I've decided to join the military as recompense.
It suits me, but it's not everyone. It may you too

There is a fall back career for most everyone

>>17791505
I left school without any qualifications, I have no safety net. I am someone burdened with the naivety of my youth and the fact I entered high school barely able to read or write.

I had a job of 8 years that tore me down over time, though I suspect I did most of it with just thinking of how I ruined my education and my lack of qualifications. I have had to sell a lot of personal possessions when I lost my job.

I don't have a safety net, I was an idiot when I got sacked and my lack of ability to get moving caused me to get in debt with my landlord. I keep making mistakes and this new problem with lack of sleep left me a hollow mess after a couple weeks. I don't know, I'm probably stressed out because I can see myself heading back there as I'm supposed to go a period of time off sleeping tablets. I just honestly feel desperate right now, like my life is on the line, my heart is beating very hard and I'm sweating with a bit of room spin right now.

I'm sorry.

I know of some philosophy and I have read the Dali Lama's teaching and quips, but I have to live with myself 24/7 a nice idea only lasts a few moments for me.

>>17791539
The military will take anyone

They will take who they can

>>17791549
Not the English Army, also you need to be very physically fit and seeing as my mental health is very bad as it is and I have insomnia. It would easily kill me.

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>>17791539
Don't be afraid. I've read nine or so books on near-death experience and I'm a pharma assistant by trade, so you can trust me. There is life after death, no judgement. No hell. You wake up as if from a dream, and go back to the real world.

Try taking ~3-4 grams diphenhydramine. That's ~80 tablets of benadryl or a similar antihistamine. You'll go into a grand mal seizure, coma and die in your sleep. I'm planning it myself for Saturday, just make sure your intestines/stomach are empty in case you shit yourself during the seizure.

>>17791559
There is no such thing as heaven or an afterlife. It defies the second law of thermo dynamics.
I don't see heaven or god's existing in our reality.

>>17791566
NDEs are 1:1 with lab-verified DMT, and more recently, ketamine reports. The crackling of a plastic bread wrapper. A "breakthrough" into a domed space. Piercing clear light and warmth, like birth in reverse, consolation by other entities, and great peace. What are you waiting for?
http://www.lycaeum.org/leda/Documents/Using_Ketamine_to_Induce_the_Near-Death_Experience.9260.shtml

>>17791573
They see that because it's what they want above all else
To go back to the womb
We just want warmth food and love
That's all we want
And that's the womb

There is only one type of material. Only matter.

>>17791573
I've nearly died twice in life already. I don't share in your delusion!

>>17791556
The fitness test is weak
They take women for god's sake

Apply then go to the gym in the interim months
You'll make it if you aren't fat

Insomnia only comes from having lack of purpose
It feeds on itself

And it's not just Army.
There's Navy and AF too

You don't need to be a grunt on the front lines fighting hajji
You can be just another office worker.
Doing money work for bombs instead of savings accounts

The military wants people
You aren't too broken for it
Go to the gym a few months before and you're good to go

>>17791580
How'd you get hurt, mate?

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>>17791580
>>17791574
>>17791566
lol, this thread reminds me of high school

>>17791583
I don't have the physical or mental strength. Also, can you afford a gym membership with a very small amount of money spare each month?!
You really don't understand depression, I am so tense I can't watch a movie, let alone much else. I am a wreck!

>>17791591
Oh I so know depression
But I dragged myself out of that hole
I know it
I know it too well

The greatest gift depression can give you is self-loathing
That's how you get to the gym and how you do everything else
Depression teaches you to hate yourself
It did me
But once you want to feel pain, then the gym and all other kinds of suffering helps

You're looking for excuses.
You can spend 10-30 dollars a month.
I know you. I know lots of people like you
You prance and ponce around about how you can't possible work out
But you can
You just don't want to

Learn to hate yourself enough to want to whip yourself
Then going to the gym will be easy

>>17791585
I nearly drowned when I was younger getting caught in a rough surf. I remember the sensation of how everything slow downs and turns black, the only reason I didn't draw breath because I knew it would be a death sentence and I just clawed my way back up onto the beach, the surf was so strong it pulled my feet out from under me and I was pulled into each wave. Really scary, when I remember and the memory of the darkness and the choice of struggle and surrender your mind dangles before you is so surreal.

I've been hit by 3 cars in my time being alive and I was ran down by a woman driver and the same sensation of mind slowing and your vision growing dark as your mind goes into overdrive. If I didn't pull my head down into my chest as I was on my peddle bike my head would have gone under her tyres.

>>17791605
It's £45 a month for me, I can't afford fucking credit for my phone!

>>17791606
Fell of a horse when I was like 8 or something
I know the feeling when time slows down and it feels like it lasts forever

That din't change my outlook on existentialism.
Everything else did

Anyways, we all die alone, nothing is objective, our lives only have meaning to each other

By the way that last bit is super important

>>17791611
The fuck shit is giving you 45 pounds a month?

That's absolutely nothing
45 a week is nothing

Can't you go on unemployment insurance until you find a real job?

>>17791615
You assume I have very simple beliefs and understandings of reality. I have been thinking of death and it's meaning from some of my earliest memories as a child.

Thoughts on those who have come and those who were to come after me. The thoughts that I was going to disrespect those before me for not holding their beliefs and so on and so on.

>>17791617
I have bills and debts to pay, and food costs a lot of money. I have £500 or so income a month under it's such a small amount to live on. And what should I sacrifice, clothes, food or soap?

Then theirs the things I have left that are broken and are breaking. I'm trying to fix my education right this instance, I have to buy books and study to get up to a basic level of being able to into the exam.

Then there is the fact army life is incredibly hard and rough, I'm already mentally feeble and I am struggling hard enough as it is!

>>17791637
You replied to two things I said, so I'm gonna conglomerate them

Firstly, we are more similar than alike
When I was about 4, I remember walking home from the corner store. I remember stopping on the street and realizing "I am awake now. I willl remember this". My then 35 year old dad ran up to me and grabbed my hand and pulled me home. I remember that. I always will

I forget why I said that but I'm drunk now so I'll have faith not to delete ti.

The next bit about education and future shit, I live in a similar life

500 pounds a month is a lot.
I live now under less
Food is easy to get by. Learn how to cook and it's easy
Soap and clothes is a once a half year type of shit

Books you can get at the library for free
I took the military test
They told me "Never tell anyone or we will tell everyone about your scores'
Whatever. Fuck them

Anyways, the tests are logic puzzles, word equivalencies and basic math shit

You can't practice for logic, but word and math shit you can
Words you just need to read more and math you just need to do high school fractions

And military life (not necessarily army) is simple
Hard, yes, but simple
You wake up and someone tells you what to do
That's great!

If you think you're mentally feeble you need to figure out just how
For me, it was decision making

>>17791654

We aren't similar at all. We may share a couple similar opinions on things but we are very different.

Cost of living is very high in the UK, the books I need are not at my local library/ forum and I have to buy them. I take very strong anti-depressants as it stands and insomnia is becoming seriously.

I have liver damage from my previous anti-depressants, I have to go to the hospital and travel is very expensive getting out there. When you have very little disposable income and given.

I have a lot of problems and the list isn't getting smaller. When I'm calmer I don't worry about my financial circumstances but when I get stressed out, all my little worries become tenfold.

I have suffered a lot and honestly I don't know one doctor says I need time and the government wants to me to work despite last time I actually had a breakdown and went further into depression.

I'm honestly too tired and stressed out, I need to leave this place, I'm getting more depressed.

>>17791654
>500 pounds a month is a lot.
It's really not, especially if he's paying bills and rent on top of that.

OP, if you're seriously considering bulking up to join the army or whatever, just get a set of adjustable free weights and look up some exercise routines online. They'll cost less than two months gym membership, less than one if the one near you is really £45 (that seems steep to me and I'm in London). If you have enough space to do a sit-up in you have enough space to work out.

>>17791674
What books do you need mate?

>>17791676
I don't want to join the army, I've already torn ligaments in my legs. And they are wounds that get weaker from injury not stronger. I don't think I can survive Army life as I am now, my depression is very consuming right now.

>>17791674
I'm not gonna patronize you by saying we are alike

What I'm gonna say is that you are doing what you can to be better and I'm I'm not gonna criticize what I don't understand.

But what I do know is that the small things matter

When I was in my worst place, sitting under a tree and reading made a difference
It really did
I read Arthur C. Clarke's collections then
I like it and it made me feel better

All I can offer is to see nature.
Nature helped me
It's fee and it's healing.

Also that other nigger
>>17791682
Here, asked what you were you were reading
So I'm curious
What were you reading
I've read everything of some kind
Let us slap jaws about it

>>17791685
You can still work out your upper body or whatever. Most books are available online if you look on libgen, gen.lib or bibliotik. Use a proxy if you're on virgin media as they'll be blocked. There are more details on how to find them in the /lit/ sticky. You can read them on your computer or your phone.
You are starting to sound like you're just making excuses to do nothing now.

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>>17791687

I'm sorry I can't right now, my mind is in a very bleak place.

Rent each 4 weeks is over £300 for me and when I was caught in the depths of my depression when I didn't know what was happening to me at the time, I wasn't able to pay it for several months.

Book's I own possibly a 100 books on electrical repair and dumbed down scientific books to my beloved books of H.P. Lovecraft and Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. 8 Years of work is a lot of time. I've had to sell a lot of what I owned.

I sympathise with both those authors immensely, Conan Doyle was party to a group who believed in old folktales as truths and I wish they were personally, there needs to be some magic in the world. Except the only magic to be had is the one we craft for ourselves. I want to live but I want to do better.

Being stuck at the bottom knowing how futile it is to work up ladders that have been taken down. Fuck, life is amazing and people have made some amazing things here, I want ultimately to do more. It's selfish of me to do this, but I have nothing to lose by doing it only a little self-dignity at this point.

I'm sorry for pushing my own thing out there. I don't know why I feel so compelled at this moment to try.

I have been staring at this screen for over 30 minutes, I'm going to lay down.

>>17791820
Don't five up
You're on the right path


You're like me.
The things you say here I believe.
I've read Poe and Doyle.
I'm like you.
Trust that I am

I am drunk so I know it feels to regret one's own emotions.

What I'm getting at is that you can make it
You can be Holmes after Reichenbach.
Never apologize for facing Moriarty.

Life is a shit place with difficulties but facing those shit things and hard difficulties is why we live

I'm doing military shit so I can do those things
You can too
Be not fat and have a fierce spirit
You are here and you are sad
That means you want chance
Weaker people have done it
We can do it together

Do the military and then with the money be a proper human
You know what I'm talking about