Agressive Behaviour

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Please just leave him already. Move in with a friend or something.

you are a victim of abuse OP. do what you will with this information.

No this is not normal. A normal relationship would mean he calmly and openly discusses his problems with you.

He's being emotionally abusive towards you. He sounds like he might have some narcissistic tendencies. The silent treatment "learning my lesson" tactic is the hallmark of a narcissist. I would try to talk to him and try to discuss things with him calmly and rationally. If he's unable to see that he's being emotionally abusive you should seriously consider the future of your relationship with him.

>>17782663
Get your shit, get in your car and drive off without ever looking back if you have the money to do so.

If you don't have kids file for a divorce maybe even online for under 200 bucks, and the last time you will ever have to see him is in court to finalize it.

>Do not tell him where you are going.
>Do not give him your phone number.
>If he knows where you work ask for a transfer.
>Basically go no contact if you do not have children.

Time to start over Op and stop wasting your life with a jack ass. You may love him but he is not going to change and you know it. So either live in bullshit for the remainder of your life or leave.

You will find someone better or at least not abusive later on when you have healed and are ready if you can bring yourself to move on from him.

>>17782663
OP, take everyone's advice and leave. he is abusive, and it's not going to get any better. you might think it will after each incident. there might be a calm. but it will happen again. and each time there is the potential for it to be worse.

but i understand OP. it's not always easy to just leave someone, especially when you're married to them.

i was in a 3-year relationship with a verbally, emotionally, physically and sexually abusive girl. i thought i was worthless, i thought i deserved it, etc. it took me like 5 months to work up the courage and have the ability to leave her.

you have to understand and accept that he IS abusive, and you DO deserve better. you probably won't be able to just pack your shit and leave instantly, but you should at the very least begin planning. plan out what you need to take. make a plan in case it gets really serious one day and you need to leave in a hurry for your own safety. once you've covered your bases as much as you can (place to stay, money, etc), do it as soon as you can. if you have someone to help you, they absolutely should be with you while it's going down, in case of anything unexpected. like your husband showing up or whatever.

good luck OP. and no, you're not making things big in your head. i hope you get out safely, because you are important.

I guess the decision has been made si nce the begining... I still have to figure out money issues and stuff. It is not as easy to leave at the moment for me, but you are right... I am just choosing to live like this because I am too scared to change to something uncertain. Time to grow up I guess. For years I was wondering if this was normal... And to scared to ask even as an Anon. Thanks for the though love.. i did needed that.

He's violent, and it's only a matter of time before he starts smaking you around. Run away! Fast!

Congratulations, you married psycho. Betcha didn't see this shit coming. What was he like during your dating/relationship before marriage?

>>17782724
No problem anon. You deserve to love and be loved in return. Remember that aight.

>>17782724
yeah, like i said, it's almost never as easy as just picking up and leaving.

if you do talk to anyone IRL about it, please keep in mind that they MAY not believe you, because the vast majority of the time abusers do not let their abusive behaviour show to other people. if you can help it, try to only bring it up with people that you know will trust and believe you. try your best to avoid bringing it up with people that you think would side with him - because they can make things a lot worse by mentioning it to him, and thus he will "punish" you for trying to defend yourself.

i really, really feel for you because i've been there (although definitely to a tamer extent), but also because my sister is married to an abusive asshole as well. she doesn't accept that he's abusive though. she's trapped, with 6 kids, and is the only one with a source of income. fucking breaks my heart because i'm barely surviving myself (in terms of financial stability) and i wish i could help her, but i still can't do it.

anyway, i believe you can do it. it's not going to be easy, and you're going to want to give up. but please don't give up. push through. you can do it.

>>17782748
He is actually very charming and super nice, it is just at home when he gets explosive in certain situations. I always tought it was my fault and I needed to change, I tought his behaviour was normal... That maybe I was so impossible to deal with that a good man like him was forced to explode. I am slowly realizing how naive I have been and even if I do love him,at this stage it is just not healthy anymore.

>>17782786
>very charming and super nice, it is just at home when he gets explosive in certain situations.

Yeah, that is how most are. Loved and praised by peers/ the community and then they get home and take it out on their spouse, children, or pets.

Their parents know little prince or princess is a fucking monster but they sweep shit under the rug so everyone else is always to blame for his or her actions of violence carried out against others. It is bullshit but if he/she comes from a well to do family expect to be blamed or have your reputation take a major hit on top of what you are going through. All I can tell you to do is leave quietly when you can and plan on moving to another place.

>>17782786
>very charming and super nice
>just at home when he gets explosive

exactly. classic abuser.

>thought his behaviour was normal
>thought you were impossible to deal with
>realising how naive you have been

that is exactly his intention, for you to slowly start believing that it was normal, your fault, you deserve it, etc. you weren't being naive necessarily. like i said, it's not always easy to realise (especially without outside help) that someone is being abusive towards you.

i mentioned being with my abuser for 3 years.. i didn't even know she was being abusive until the 3rd year. just like you, i thought it was normal, i thought it deserved it, it was my fault, at least she was with me, at least she wants to fuck even when i don't want to (unwanted sex is better than no sex, right?? surely there are many men out there who would love to be in my shoes).

i'm glad you made this thread today. it's the start of your recovery.

>>17782786
Narcissists and psychopaths usually are charming at first. They're also great at making you feel like the crazy one. Their manipulative tactics can fool anyone who is not equipped to to detect them. I don't know if there's enough evidence to label him but I would definitely recommend Googling around since you know more about him than we do.

Thank you again for reading this... It is helping so much to know I was not making all this in my head. Thank you so much. Now... I guess I have homework to do.

>>17782786

i will say this one more time. you are a victim. of abuse. i'm a misogynist and i don't want you to be in this situation. i hate you and i want you to get out. consider that. please be safe.

>>17782786
This sounds like the guy my friend started dating. Divorcee "because it just didn't work out" everybody says he's a great guy super nice and sweet but I'm not buying it. There's something up but I can't place it. The gut feeling is never off either, I just don't want her to waste years over this, esp when I can be bangin her instead...heh

There's some surprisingly decent advice here, considering that most of the people here aren't married.

Look, he might love you, he might be a great guy most of the time, but it isn't how we act at our best that determines our humanity- it's how we act and react under pressure. He's abusive, likely knows it, and possibly hates it in himself, but not enough to stop.
Ultimately, in marriage, we can't make our spouses happy. We have to make ourselves happy first, and share it with our loved ones. When both partners do that, the marriage flourishes.
The first years of marriage suck, IMO. It isn't until you're truly sharing life together that things get wonderful, and that takes years and lots of hard work. An abusive, dysfunctional relationship makes that impossible.

You have to set ground rules for yourself, based on past performance, OP. For him, no damaging and throwing things around the house, right off. That behavior is immature and scares the shit out of you, so it's reasonable to get him to promise never to do it again. The other thing is blaming you where you haven't earned it. Being clumsy, ok, you can't help that. Being forgetful? That's bullshit, and a sign of not giving enough of a fuck to pay attention to what is important to him. That's not something a good wife does, forgetting shit.

OK, so you're no angel, but I doubt you've earned what he's giving out.

YOU need to decide what you want. Do you want to save your marriage? If so, why? What does he want? Does he want to save the marriage? If so, why?
That is a critical question.
Marriage counseling is definitely needed, IMO, if you want to continue.
As for sex, this won't be a popular thought, but you might want to try it, if you do still love him. It's how men bond, and you agreed to both share your bodies with each other in the course of your marriage. So long as it doesn't fee like rape to you, it might do more help than harm. It is how we bond as couples.

Lol he should have smashed your ugly face in instead dumb cunt.

>>17782915
What a beautiful response...I apreciate it very much. Hit the spor with the forgetful part... I guess I just stopped caring as much after focusing in not making him angry and stopped listening more closely. I feel its like hunting a deer... Have to be super careful on every single thing... It is exhausting. Thank you again for your kind words.

>>17782919
Sounds like you are such a happy errr...human? Believe me... I do have a lot with my husband to liaten to your loving words. Have an amazing night random stranger.

this is just me but even if i married a monster i would stick with them because marriage means "till death to us part" and I'm keeping up my end of the bargain. That's why I am very picky about which woman I will marry.

>>17782924

I get that. And I'm sorry for it. We don't live in a vacuum, and I can understand how it would be difficult to try harder to make a person happy when you're not getting anything positive in return for it.

That, in a nutshell, is what marriage is not supposed to be. Sometimes we do have to carry the other person a lot further than we want, but there has to be a reason for it, and after you should expect to be appreciated for it.
Think about what he's doing to make things better. Promises to do better don't count. Actions count, not words. Words are easy, as are promises. Keeping promises is harder, and more important. Actions to effect change are what is needed, from both of you, chances are.
Can you sit down and rationally talk about this?

My marriage had a rough start. We both had some growing up to do. That was a long, long time ago, before we had kids, and they're teenagers now. When you both get on the same page, there's nothing like it in the world. I saw it in my own parents, who were married 51 years. Done properly, it will define us.

>>17782915
>>17782924
>being forgetful is bullshit
>a sign of not giving enough of a fuck to pay attention

eh. this is not something you should live by. someone being forgetful could be a serious symptom of something larger. depression, sleep deprivation, poor quality sleep (sleep apnea), PTSD, etc.

my abusive ex used to give me a lot of shit for forgetting stuff. like okay. i can understand being upset if your partner forgets something. it's easy to get hurt by that. fine.

but what they do after that is what determines if it's an abusive relationship. there is no need for yelling, verbal abuse, physical violence when somebody forgets something. this is not an appropriate response.

i was literally terrified of forgetting shit when i was with her. the fear alone would have been enough for me to "give a fuck" about not forgetting. sometimes i would have thought about whatever it is a week or a few days before the occasion, but on the day itself i might just blank.

i would actively every day leading up to the day remind myself, but still somehow forget on that day.

>>17782915
i can understand some of this guy's point - sure, it might be worth trying to talk to him about it. but most of the time you are only going to make your situation worse by doing that. it's reasonable to be too terrified to do that, and to just cut your losses. so you don't fucking die. it's either you get hurt by him, or he gets hurt by you (for giving up on the relationship or w/e), and you should choose you every time if he isn't treating you with love and respect.

OP you obviously know him better than we do. if you think he won't throw a hissy fit for bringing up how terrified you are, then go for it. try to talk to a professional with him about it.

but it is not your fault if you are too scared to even do that. he is the one that introduced the fear. not you.

>>17782915
also
>he's abusive, likely knows it

from the studies i've read, the majority of abusers do not believe they are being abusive. maybe they start out knowing, but maybe they lie to themselves that they're good people for so long that they start to believe it.

OP, there is no reason to save a marriage just for the sake of saving a marriage. unless you're religious, in which case i still think it's a mistake.

this idea that marriage is hard and you have to put up with a lot of bullshit before you get to the good part is stupid, and only serves to benefit abusers.

if you had married/fallen in love with somebody who wasn't abusive in the first place, there would be none of this bullshit. you would just be happy. there wouldn't be this kind of emotional (potentially physical) trauma for you to wade through before your "golden years" or what the fuck ever.

sure, you would still have some problems. it's not always easy to live with someone else. their cleaning habits might not be up to your standards. they might not be exciting in bed. maybe they're struggling to hold down a steady job. these are normal problems that you do stand by and support your partner through.

you do not have any obligation to support your partner through a period of abusing you. that shit is just not the same.

it is of course your decision, OP. my point is just that you have no obligation to "save the marriage" when you are being treated like dirt, and i want you to remember that. it is up to you and what is important to you.

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>>17782985
abuse is an issue, of course.

As I said elsewhere, it is what we do when things are difficult that determines our quality as human beings. Being able to push through one's problems to overcome an issue like forgetfulness is EXACTLY what a good spouse does. I don't stop caring for my family because I have problems. The scale of the problem to be overcome relative to the results we achieve speaks to our individual character.
In a healthy marriage, at least, one's inability to perform should be forgiven by the other person, which gets a lot easier to do when the one struggling is obviously pushing themselves beyond their normal limits.
And if that sounds harsh, it is. If we judge ourselves harshly, we will know when we are giving 100%. I can't speak for anyone, but my wife deserves 100%, and that shit is HARD to sustain.

>>17782663
Why not try submitting to him?

Get on your knee's and tell him he is right, and you are sorry.
Then tell him he can do whatever he wants with you since you fucked up.

Then turn around bend over and spread your ass for him, tell him he can fuck whichever hole he wants.

He might apologize right there and become embarrassed, he might fuck the hell out of you right there as well.

Either way he won't be angry anymore.

All men want is to know that the girl they have given and do everything for is completely and utterly theirs.

It sort of sucks but it's true

>>17783005
i mean yeah. i agree with what you're saying. but telling the victim of abuse that she would be a good spouse if she pushed past her issue of forgetfulness isn't doing anyone favours except her abuser.

i'm starting to wonder if you even have any idea what it is like to be abused? to be continuously treated like dirt, and have everyone around you think your abuser is amazing and great, and you must have done something really wrong to deserve it? to start questioning your sanity? your worth?

>>17783020
OP i know how easy it is to have a warped sense of reality when you're in your situation, but i hope you know that this person is either trolling or a psychopath.

>>17783042
Thank you for your words. And you are so right, being in a situation like this is nasty business. I am literally all over the place trying to figure out what is going on and believing that I am crazy, confused or just plain stupid. It is quite complex from this side as clear as it seems to look from the other. Ah... I'm so tired and my brain is just working non stop. You guys are hitting so many spots over and over and it is helping me right now so much. Thank you

>>17783050
anything for someone in need, anon.

>>17783042
This is the issue that todays society has, the very idea of submitting to a man is deemed "psychopathic".

No matter that the man has dedicated his entire life to you, sworn off all other women to you, used most if not all his money to provide you with a house and comfort, spent most of his free time entertaining and tending to your needs.

There is no point where it is ok for a girl to simply go " Ok, I am yours just as you have shown that you are mine"

What does a guy have to do? Take a bullet for her?

And I bet the whole sex thing ticked you off as well, another problem with idiots today.
They value sex and sexual acts way too god damned much

Are you telling me that this woman shouldnt bend over and spread her ass for her HUSBAND if it would save their marriage and curb his anger?

People are willing to do literally anything else besides use sex as a tool or method to fix problems.

It's just fuckign sex, they've done it a thousand times, in all sorts of nasty degrading ways, who knows maybe she will like being submissive and a new kink will spark their sex life again.

Why can't a sexual gesture be genuine and meaningful?

God damn shit like this irks me, everyone wants some nuanced effort solution, talk nice and smile and communicate when sometimes you need to yell and cry and fuck to solve things.

We are animals, with your partner you are supposed to be able to be as primal and base and still be accepted and loved.

>>17783070
Yeah she should give as she receives. He screams she should scream back. He breaks her shit she should break his. He hits her she should lay his ass out.

Let's face it, we do not live in a society where it is the norm for men to provide for their families anymore. No instead this bitch probably works and comes home to deal with his shit.

>Get down on your knees and spread your cheeks for some sorry motherfucker that screams, throws shit, threatens to fuck other women in your marriage bed. I think the fuck not. Take him to his fucking knees Op and make him beg for forgiveness because, he is the one that needs to be apologizing.

>>17783128
Actually it's not worth it to resort to fighting back, or getting on your knees. Just leave. That is your best bet for your mental and physical health. Don't resort to fighting fire with fire and stooping to his level, and don't allow him to degrade you further either because he will just think he can get away with more degrading behavior.

Yes... This bitch as you say does has her job and comes home to deal with this. I believe in treat others as you would like to be treated, and I wonder when I started being ok with this.I am no angel myself, but I. am a good person. Thank you to all theAnons that had been helping in a constructive way. It really helps reading all this different perspectives since I barely talk to anybody because of shame. Knowing this behaviour is not normal is a huge relief for me.

>>17782673
>silent treatment
Cluster B of personality disorders all right.
Got a wife who does the same when I'm angry, along with showing several mild BPD symptoms (she's not). I learnt to deal with it despite the casual emotional abuse. It's all about balancing, teaching politeness, crafting solutions regularly and makeup sex (make sure to have sex each time we make up, and these days I talk dirty to affirm authority). It's a good deal as there are many more good moments then bad moments, she's honest, loyal and dedicated, and I have a daughter that I don't want her to grow without me.

In this situation though, that guy seems to be a piece of shit and nothing can be done. Breaking things, shouting at the top of his lungs, saying he will cheat on her, leaving the wife in the living room...
The only other things that sound like my own experience are calling the partner "crazy or stupid" and blaming while saying "it's all your fault", which sounds like BPD.

That guy is a clusterfuck, OP, leave his ass as soon as you can. Getting rid of strong feelings is hard but it starts with a simple step. Get a good friend to push you out of that mess if necessary.

>>17782663
He's abusive and manipulative

At least in a shelter you'll be out of your comfort zone

Leave before you're too jaded to. Leave now.

I told you it was a mistake to let him move in with you.

>>17782786

Kek have fun getting belted

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>>17783234