How to cope with loss?

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Hey /adv/,
my mother passed away shortly after having me. She rejected chemotherapy during the pregnancy as it would have possibly harmed me and when she did get on it post-pregnancy her body or the cancer didn't react to it properly.

I was aware of this from a very early age on and my dad did raise me very well on his own (with help from our family) and growing up I never really felt overly depressed. Yes I didn't have a mother growing up, but there was no huge pain associated with it for some reason.
My family would tell me many things about her and I wish I could have met her but still, until now I not once cried over having lost her.

Now I turned 20 this week and received a letter and videotape from my mother. The letters weren't uncommon and I did receive those at different points in my life however what got me was that video. (I did see video recordings of her before though)
It seemed very genuine so I don't think a lot of scripting or planning went into it and its twelve minutes of her just telling me that she loves me and that she is proud of me and how she wants me to find my way in this world.
She also talks about hoping that I enjoyed "my trip" - basically after graduation my dad payed for me to travel for ten months. Apparently the two of them did plan that at some point and he never felt that it was maybe necessary to tlel me that which kinda makes me angry at him now but thats beyond the point.

While watching that video I started to cry and started to sob and shake like I never did in my life and for the past two days I have been in a constant state of "depression". Just sad and total lack of direction or motivation.

I'm sorry if this seems all over the place and I don't really know what I am asking for aside just general input and maybe advice for dealing with all of this