Making someone you love get help

>denies it's depression
unfortunately you can't make people do anything. it has to start with him admitting and accepting that he is depressed. then he needs to want to help himself.

don't give him an ultimatum, just let it be clear that it is difficult to be with someone with depression, especially if it isn't temporary (i.e. they aren't even looking for help, therefore they can't get better), and you need to take care of yourself as well.

how long has it been? if it's only been a few weeks or a few months, i think maybe try and stick it out a few more months, supporting him as best you can. if he still won't admit it or seek help, you need to protect yourself and leave him.

this is coming from someone that spent 3 years with a woman with depression. she broke up with me, in the end.

Have him find a different therapist or someone he can talk to. You can help but sometimes you cannot truly be their everything. I can't tell if this is just something recent or long ongoing, but you can say how it makes you feel without giving an ultimatum.

What happened recently to him?

>>17760052
Because he has been to counselling before, I think he does really realise that's what it is, but because he can't remember what he was like before all this, he denies the seriousness of it being a problem, he just thinks his personality is that.
It's been about 2 years since he gave up on the antidepressants etc.


>>17760073
He really liked his old therapist but because of work he had to stop going. It's definitely long ongoing. Nothing specifically happened recently, but he works really hard and I know that makes him tired and angry but he has no ambition to study (even though he is next year).

>>17760130
I'd talk to him about it. I used to work long hours at a shitty job for 5+ years, but I still tried to have good time and loved coming home to my girlfriend. He probably needs a new job but feels trapped.

You don't have to stay with him if he doesn't change or if it makes you miserable, but at least feel like you tried to help him anyway you could if it goes that route.

>>17760130
hmm okay. that's tough. i still think there isn't really anything you can do that can make him get better, it really has to come from inside him. i felt better about my depression when i was with that woman for 3 years. it was easy to push aside how shitty i felt in order to help her feel better. but when she left, i didn't have anything to live for again.

in the end, nobody can tell you how much you should/shouldn't put up with, or how long you should/shouldn't stay with him. you need to take care of yourself, it is very taxing to be with someone with depression.

again, don't give him an ultimatum, but if nothing changes soon, you need to remember that it's okay that you want to take care of yourself. it isn't your fault that he is depressed, and it isn't your job (nor is it in your ability) to save him from depression. if you feel like you have to leave him, don't blame yourself. you've been with him for a long time, it seems. it certainly wouldn't be an easy decision.

you have to be mentally prepared at the idea that if you do leave him, he may take his own life. this isn't your fault. it would never be your fault unless you are berating him, putting him down, and egging him on.

i'm proud of u for sticking with it for so long, please take care of yourself OP.

p.s. this is one person's opinion. i am definitely not an expert. i just have a lot of personal experience with this kind of thing. 3 out of the 4 girls i have been with were depressed, and i have been for almost half my life as well.

>>17760143
I text him before and said I want to talk about this tonight when I'm with him in person, but I'm still not really sure how to approach the conversation.
Yeah he's leaving the job to study in a few months, but he isn't excited at all for that either.

>>17760147
It's so hard! I just want him to be ok. I just need to know how to make him realise the problem is worth dealing with.

I dont want to get mad and say I'll leave him if he doesn't fix it but the fact is that it's kind of true. He's boring and grumpy and it makes me so sad :(

Sometimes we have days when he's really happy and he's like wow I wish I felt like this all the time, I guess I am depressed but when I bring these days up with him later he denies that he even felt good then.

>>17760160
it might help you to deal with it by having other activities, outside of your relationship with him. i don't know if you do/don't, but having friends, hobbies, etc, that you have independent of him, is one way for you to maintain your sense of self-worth.

it sounds like you've tried to talk to him about it, but he still just denies it.. maybe this is one of those situations where his family and friends need to come together for an intervention. so that he can see that his mood is affecting everyone around him and they are noticing that he isn't himself. i have no experience with interventions or if they're even a good thing, but i'm getting the feeling that he just isn't going to take your word for it. he could still deny it even if there was an intervention.

maybe before getting to an intervention, you need to speak to his family and stuff about it. if they agree, get them to talk to him about it as well, one on one. just so it's a little less confrontational at first?

i'm mostly thinking out loud, trying to help )^:

>>17760188
I definitely have other activities, as we don't live together (but will soon). I want to sort it out before we move in.
His family know it's a problem but they aren't very present in his life.

I really just want to talk to him about it tonight and I know he cares about how I feel/what I think. I just don't know how to have the conversation, or what sort of angle to take.
He just says "I'm fine" because he doesnt remember how he was when he wasnt like this

>>17760160
I would just try to have a chat. Seems like he has tunnel vision and if family isn't close for him you might have to try to be the wake up call. I would lay it out, obviously this is really bothering you and you are considering ending the relationship because it has been so bad lately.

Seems like he's really in denial and maybe you need to get it through his head. It won't be easy but i recommend stating everything you feel. Maybe not that you'll leave unless you do x but that it's hard to be around him and he's not doing anything or maybe needs time by himself.

>>17760200
okay, maybe try and talk to him about the things that he does (feels?) that aren't things people do when they aren't depressed? besides the obvious cutting and self harm of course.

for example my ex would sometimes stand in the shower for literally an hour, even after she was done cleaning herself. she'd just stand there, picking at spots on her body. she would also lay in bed at night, eyes wide open. she wouldn't be able to sleep for hours. she wouldn't be distracted by a phone or anything like that.

when it's really overwhelming for her, sometimes she'll just go to the bathroom and cry. she used to not say anything, just get up and go there, and lock herself in. this, i found out soon after, is when she was cutting herself.

and also like >>17760221 said
also talk about how it's making you feel. i think it's important that it doesn't come off as HIM doing these negative things TO you, because for some people this may make the self-loathing worse. phrase it more around his depression having a negative impact on you.

maybe you can show him a couple of articles and stuff that talk about the difficulties of being in a relationship with someone who is depressed, or borrow ideas from them.

if it's of any interest, some of the things i did to try and help her feel better (thanks to advice from the internet), is to get meals for her, because motivation to feed yourself is not easy with depression. i would also clean the room for her. small messes can feel overwhelming when you don't feel like you can get up and do something about it. it helped to an extent, she showed appreciation, but it obviously didn't cure her. it did what i intended - made life for her just a tiny, tiny bit less shit.

>>17760237
>>17760221

See, he isn't anything like this bad.
No self harm, or anything like that.You honestly wouldn't notice he was depressed at all til you see him when he's actually happy, which is so occasional.
But yeah I do try to do little nice things for him.
It's hard because I know it isn't his fault, yet I still end up resenting him because I have to deal with the depression while he doesn't even acknowledge that it exists or is hard for me.

I really appreciate these comments guys, it'sjust helping me get ideas straight in my head.

>>17760254
He needs to acknowledge it. He may very well being going through some shit, but he needs to see what he's putting you through as well. You may be able to stick by his side but if it doesn't change it is ok if you both go your own ways.

>>17760254
to be honest, she didn't do anything in front of anyone else. she was good at playing it cool. she didn't have to try as hard around me, because she knew i would understand.

from an outsider's perspective the things you would notice is that she doesn't leave her room all day, except to get food once or twice, and doesn't get out of bed until well past noon usually.

but yeah. i probably don't have any other input so i will just wish you all the best. he is lucky to have someone that seems to care so much.