Relationship rocky... lazy, charming boyfriend- help

Pros about me and him: cuddling every night

very understanding when i am emotionally upset

great person, very funny and kind

sex is good when it happens for both of us (1/3 times)

we have great dreams together

we have known eachother and loved eachother platonically and then romantically for a long time

frequently talk about a long future together

we understand eachother and have great communication

he calls me his best friend. he is my best friend too. was from day 1.

Besides my feelings about our relationship- I can tell him everything about me or my thoughts and feel accepted.

says he will never lie.

Cons:
has online friendships that I get jealous about because they are all female.

I frequently get upset going out with him. I can't handle other girls thirsting over him because he's very attractive/ charismatic.

he doesn't shy away from attention. everyday we go out I catch him making repeated eye contact with girls staring at him.

clings to IMVU and WOW. i can't relate as I don't have a computer that works well.

talks about doing things but doesn't act.

he is very used to being waited on by his family. I wonder if he can act for himself on anything. Hasn't bothered working yet and he's in his early 20's.

items I have he makes his own very easily. If I don't allow him my phone or ipad, he gets upset. this irritates me as he has not tried working to get these items himself.

I fear his attitude towards money. I have a good but finite amount. will he expect me to shell out on frivolities?

ie- he was given $1000 as a birthday gift 2 months ago and now he has none left. spent on eating out, games and pokemon cards.

I get upset daily. either from jealousy(other girls, lots of female friends he met in unclear terms), feeling unwanted (I give him a bj while he is getting off on porn, which makes me feel like an accessory; rarely has full sex with me- typically oral for him only), feeling frustrated that I can't actually tell him off for being selfish, lazy.

says he will not lie but I have recently been finding that he's left details out or confused facts about where he met his friends. Recently found out that all his friends he made from IMVU where he was heavily involved in BDSM (findomming as a catfish, phonesex hookups). Found out that after we fell in love he signed up to fetlife and was reaching out to other girls... his arguement was that while we agreed our anniversary was November, we didn't call ourselves bf/gf till the following January.

his words to me about being an online dom: I like to feel wanted by a lot of people.

Any input would be appreciated... I know the obvious choice would be to end it, but I absolutely don't want that.

Yet I don't know how to bring up these issues that are bothering me without seeming crazy, selfish, or nagging.

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pls help

He sounds like a huge loser

I'm not sure why I put up with that wall of text, but...

Honestly, it sounds like almost all of the issues you mentioned are issues that you must resolve within yourself, not problems with the relationship.

Let's walk through it (to be cont)

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What is it about him that made you fall in love this way to begin with? I may be projecting my own experiences but this just seems like the classic cycle of honey moon phase wears off -> delude yourself that your situation isn't worth leaving

He sounds like a loser desu. Think long-term, is this really the best potential partner you can have and raise a family with?

Also, blowing him while he watches porn? That's sad m80.

>>17751609
Aah, thanks for putting up with it. I'm tipsy and confused. Let's see then

>>17751618
Ah well, it started off as a mutual thing that I was interested in to do even.. but he takes it far enough that it just seems straight up lazy/neglecting.

I hate to think it's delusional post honeymoon :( but it seems true...

We fell in love after being online best friends for 5 years and I went to go meet him for the first time. Fell in love day 3 of actually being around him, and now I've since moved to his country. This is our second month living with each other.

I love him because he's this highly intelligent, kind and hopeful kid who wants to explore.... And yet he borders on narcissistic, spoiled sociopath with this amazing wit.

Idk.

(cont)

>I feel ashamed.
>I resent his past
>I resent that his friends were made entirely from IMVU
>I almost constantly fight feelings of not being enough, not being wanted by him, envy and thenguilt that I am a bad person for feeling the way I do.
>has online friendships that I get jealous about
>I can't handle other girls thirsting over him
These are all issues you must work on. These are not his problems - it's yours. They're also not caused by him, you're causing them yourself

>clings to IMVU and WOW. i can't relate as I don't have a computer that works well.
>talks about doing things but doesn't act.
>he is very used to being waited on by his family. I wonder if he can act for himself on anything. Hasn't bothered working yet and he's in his early 20's.

It sounds like you're bothered by his "easy life".
By itself, that life should not be a problem, if it's not causing HIM problems.
If you have other expectations from him, though, you should make that clear from the let go

>items I have he makes his own very easily. If I don't allow him my phone or ipad, he gets upset. this irritates me as he has not tried working to get these items himself.
Just don't allow him to do that, then. It's his right to be upset, and yours to be unmoved

>I fear his attitude towards money. I have a good but finite amount. will he expect me to shell out on frivolities?
If you're concerned about that, just make it clear from the let go that you won't

>I give him a bj while he is getting off on porn, which makes me feel like an accessory
then don't?

>Found out that after we fell in love he signed up to fetlife and was reaching out to other girls... his arguement was that while we agreed our anniversary was November, we didn't call ourselves bf/gf till the following January.
I'd break up over this kind of thing. YMMV

Overall, he doesn't sound like a great guy to be with.
I'd working on solving the issues I mentioned, but realize there might not be much you can do

>>17751511
stopped reading when you said:
>i fear about money, he was given $1000 as a birthday gift now has none left.
yes that was money to spend as he liked BUT it sounds like he has peter pan syndrome: forever a kid. refusing to grow up. best thing you can do is find somebody else.

>>17751624
So you've put in a ton of investment already, so the sunk cost naturally makes leaving harder, especially if you have fears of what life will feel like without him.

In my opinion, the large investment to even move countries may have been the first mistake but here you are. He doesn't seem like an objectively "bad" partner but he does seem to not be a sufficient long-term match for you.

If the relationship has any chance of saving, it will be by you tactfully, but still comprehensively explaining your internal struggle. So pretty much everything you just told us. And you need to start making it somewhat final to him that you've realized the relationship likely will not last if it continues without any change on his part, since you've already made all the effort to change yourself internally.

Otherwise you're just wasting your time with him and making yourself miserable.

Breakup isn't the worst thing in the world, it's just scary because you aren't used to life without him. I've actually found it way harder to breakups myself than to be broken up with, but things always ended up working out. You may realize that being single for a while is actually pretty nice.

>>17751632
Thanks, that was sobering. I have my own issues- I'm aware.

The FetLife thing was shitty... But then we are open enough with each other that he even showed me that account to begin with. Also the nature of our relationship back then was ambiguous and confused... So it's kinda my problem still. Regardless, I did say after moping for a few hours that if he ever betrayed my trust or cheated I would be out. I mean that much.

Peter pan syndrome? Yeah... But like you say, I know who he was before I got there... And though it frustrates me that he hasn't acted the way I wanted him to, I did know that before coming here.
If I can't accept what I knew then... Then it's kinda my own issue. He doesn't have responsibilities but he's not in pain or dying.... And I'm benefiting.

I'll meditate on this. Thank you

>>17751648
Alright, true.

The investment hurts, but it's not the end of the world. Being single in this country would be hypothetically fun...

In my heart (which got me in this mess to begin with) I really do believe something good can come out this. It's kinda the lie that you build when you are falling so hard in love... Yet this is the only time of ever felt so *sure about any relationship before going into it. Back then and now I think he's the only person in the world I could picture raising a family with... Before him I only ever imagined living in a hut with 7 dogs and some weird friends with benefits hippy lesbian on the west coast of Canada. He's even brought it up to me. When I was thinking 'family' at the beginning, he's the one who brought it up to me first... He's the one who brings up all those long term dreams...


And yet he hasn't grown up much. He talks about it... And last week he kinda made it sound serious because I did say I was closing the end of the rope... So maybe he will yet. Maybe he will surprise me.