need advice on how to handle a bratty child. my step daughter

Young children are like pets. As long as a child is having their needs met, outside the normal range for a child, there shouldn't be any huuge problems. This child is a product of their environment and if they are misbehaving in this way, there is something in their life that is making them behave that way.

I don't see you discussing any other factors here, you haven't even mentioned the child's age which makes it looks like you attribute the misbehaviour and assign blame to the child.

>>17750268
>dose badly in school. brakes everything, furniture, toys, tares up clothing
did you greencard marry your husband kek

>>17750268
She's probably distressed about something, most likely to do with the corcumstances in which the mother left. (Unless you skipped something important)
That child could use a therapist/psychologist.

>>17750296
she's 8 and she has a nice home, food to eat, nice clothing, lots of toys, I take her to sports, she dose dance and gymnastics. the kid has a perfect 1st world life. there is nothing for her to be acting up about. it's just how she is. she's been like this since she was a toddler. it's only gotten worse with age. she really spoiled and lazy. she won't help with chores no matter how nicely I ask. she won't even try to learn in school. literally refuses and can't read or weight won't learn numbers. im really worried about her. she doesn't try at anything.

>>17750321
no her mother has been gone since she was a baby she doesn't really even remember her. iv always been mommy. really I just don't get it, we love her and she has a very good life. I don't get why she is so bratty. we went overly harsh with her either. like we don't spank or anything

>>17750331
My suggestion stands. She might have everything she needs, on your viewpoint... but you don't actually know how she feels, and as a child, will fail to put into words the feelings.
A psychologist/therapist may be able to uncover what is it and help you accordingly.

Of course if you're adamant about getting help here, you should offer a lot of detail, as things that may seem right to you may or may not bother the child.
By the way, have you talked to her teachers?

>>17750321
also we did take her to consoling before. they said she's fine, like no add or ADHD or anything like that. the therapist said she just seemed very strong willed. that all kids are different and some are just more head strong then others. I get she is her own person. but she can't just do whatever she wants. she really doesn't get that at all. she thinks if she feels like doing something she should just be able to. like she'll try to take toys or stuff from other kids or even a store. she has really poor impulse control. the therapist has helped a little bit I guess but it's just really hard.

>>17750325

Before I start, I would like to be clear that I'm genuinely trying to help and have no wish to upset you. However, just because you don't realise what the problem is, that doesn't mean that the problem doesn't exist. I would also urge you to stop telling everyone how bad she is, because what if she turns out to have an undiagnosed medical condition for example and you're bashing a disabled child for your own oversight?

You've stated that, "there is nothing for her to be acting up about". I don't even know this child and I know that's a lie. Her biological mother isn't in the picture AND she has a step-parent to deal with. There's two reasons.

As well as this, what do you mean, "she won't help with chores, no matter how nicely I ask?" Why would you be asking a child to do chores and expect asking them in s nicer way to have any impact? This is not how you treat or raise a child and I think we are starting to touch on a real problem here.

What do you mean she won't even try and learn in school? Do you mean her grades are inferior to her classmates or is she a child who chats and distracts the class?

You've mentioned that she doesn't try at anything, does this include the dance and gymnastics classes?

>>17750268
>dose
>brakes
>tares

how old are you?

>>17750268
Shes 8
Use your superior intellect to con and condition her into doing what you want.

Kids are stupid as fuck and if they missbehave it's because something is wrong and most of the time it's pretty easy to figure out .

Sounds like a typical case of a woman being jealous of mans daughter.

The child sounds distressed. Children break things not because they're 'problem children', but because something in their environment is causing them to act out.

Establish boundaries, defined and consistent punishments that escalate from verbal warnings to controlled restrictions (time outs, reprisal of TV/computer time etc). NEVER use physical force or verbal abuse. Explain to the child why she is being punished, how long the punishment will last and what she can do to avoid it in the future. Aside from that, don't feel obliged to entertain conversation.

On the occasions that the child does not act out, engage her. Play with her, make sure she has productive activities to immerse herself in. Spend as much time as you can interacting with her, with play and homework etc and provide a structured environment which is consistent and stimulating.

>>17750325
>the kid has a perfect 1st world life.
Basically every kid in the first world does, unless the parents are crackheads or something. That's not nearly enough. Humans are a bit more complex than a checklist of basic needs.

If the therapist is sure that it's not a mental thing, the only factor left is her environment.

>like she'll try to take toys or stuff from other kids or even a store. she has really poor impulse control.
That's purely down to parenting.

>>17750268
I don't know how helpful this is, but I'll give a try.

The very first thing you should do is making sure she has no medical problem. Take her to a doctor and get her checked again.

If she is healthy, try to change the way you and your husband behave.
Make sure both of you spend time with her. I know a lot of kids who act like shitheads because that's the only way for them to get attentions from their parents. Even negative attention is attention.
NEVER lose your temper in front of her. Ignore her if she puts up a scene.
Make sure she gets praised for the good things she does and punished for the bad things she does. Not violently, of course.
Explain to her what she did wrong, and what's the best behaviour to keep.
Ask her to do things with you. Don't tell her "clean your room", tell her "help me clean your room".

>>17750325
Sounds like you can barely write yourself lmao.

Seriously though, you're talking about how she has a 'perfect 1st world life' then chastising her for being lazy and spoiled.

Maybe stop providing that kind of environment and introduce some structure, chores, timetables and activities that don't involve some other educator taking her off of your hands. No child is 'just like that', unless she is mentally impaired, she is a direct product of her environment. The changes start with you, love.

>>17750353
OK yes at anything, she kind of likes dance and stuff but like she just wants to play and goff off, like she won't follow the coaches instructions most of the time. I still take her because she says she likes going but she doesn't really get more skill or anything. it's just play time.

at school she literally says "I hate to learn" "I'm not going to try" "I don't care if I read, I don't like it" stuff like that. I try to build her up, tell her she can do it. she really is smart. she's not disabled at all, she is very smart when she wants to get something or its to what she sees as her benefit. she could get straight As if she felt like it. she likes to talk and play at school and she gets angry if the teacher won't let her. all 3 teachers shes had have had trouble with her not listening. like I said tho she doesn't have any kind of learning disabilities or anything like that.

OK chores, like all ask "hay baby would you please pick up your room" and she just won't, shell go in there and play not clean. so I'll check on her and say "hay your supposed to be picking up" shell just keep playing. no matter how many times i ask she won't do it. I wind up doing it for her. she absolutely trashes her room like to where you can't move init or walk, so it's not something we can just leave that way.

im not going to say that that kind of behavior isn't bad. living in a pig sty and destroying the floors and walls. it is bad she won't listen to anyone, mot her parents or teachers. it's detrimental to her life thinking she can be that way. what if she keeps trying to take things that aren't here as a teen, shed get arrested. what if she still never wants to pick up at all, she literally will just throw trash on the floor next to her. I don't want her to grow up to live like a border. I want her to be a happy healthy adult one day. I want all the best for her. having a step parent is not a bad thing. I treat her just like my other child. i would die for my kids.

>>17750311
OP sounds like an immigrant married into a white family tbqh familia

>>17750400
I am no parenting expert and have never been a parent but it sounds like you have to be firmer with her. You also have to be more firmly communicative. It sounds like she doesn't respect you or take you seriously. Also for punishments be light on them but try some goofier ones like making her walk on her hands for a little while while you hold her legs up. Grounding her to her room at this age doesn't sound effective. You don't necessarily want her to think punishment is fun time by you also want her to think "hey I did something wrong I'm being punished". My parents communicated a lot with me and almost never punished me. I respected them so much I would listen though.

>>17750400

Okay, so maybe instead of continuing to take her to classes which are a waste of time for her and probably infuriating others, why haven't you kept trying her out in other activities so she can find something that she actually enjoys? Letting a child do simply based on the logic that the child says they like it and therefore should be allowed to enjoy it, is not a healthy way to raise a child.

She's clearly very bored at school, does she go to public school?

Okay, you can't ask a child to clean their room and expect them to just go and do it. That's not going to work and I don't understand why you would expect it to either. There are so many things wrong with this that I just can't explain them all. You need to implement a system to encourage the child do their chores, telling them to clean their room should simply be a reminder not the entire system.

Having a step-parent isn't a bad thing, but it is a thing. And depending on the situation it can be a good thing or a bad thing. But this young child needs to process whatever reason her mother is not in her life as well as coming to terms with you as a parent which will be an ongoing issue in her life. Were you raised by your biological parents?

Is your other child well behaved? Because if
so, why are you treating them the same?

You keep telling me this child has no problems but I can see many glaring ones.

>>17750405
no I'm white, whole family is

>>17750383
I have dyslexia, I really am awful at writing. school was hell for me, that's why I hate seeing her struggling.
and I'm sorry I'm being the best mother I can. I'm not some monster and I'm not going to act like the kid has it so bad when she really doesn't at all.

>>17750377
not at all. if never stolen, IV always told her it's wrong. when I found her trying to I told her it's illegal and if she were big they would take her to jail. its not bad parenting if tried to explain to her how bad stealing is butshe just won't listen about it

>>17750375
you sound very uninformed and like you think every time a kid is naughty it's the parents fault. you obviously don't have kids

It sounds like you're foreign and your husband and step-child aren't?

>>17750440
>you sound very uninformed and like you think every time a kid is naughty it's the parents fault. you obviously don't have kids
It is true, tho.
Kids are the result of the environment they lived in. It literally is your fault if she cannot behave well or if she doesn't respect you. You failed at some level.

Unless she is ill, of course.

Try some positive reinforcement. Everytime she does good in school or at home reward her with something. It doesnt have to be expensive... something like favorite food or take her out to see a movie. Let her know that it is a reward for doing good and she will at some point understand that good actions will lead to rewards.

>>17750440
I asked my parents to help you mainly about the school thing. My mom said to be a good role model and show her you study yourself (fake it or actually study or something).

>>17750440
>not at all. if never stolen
Not meant that you lead by poor example, simply that you failed to deliver the idea "stealing is wrong" for her. Talking to a kid about jail and legality of something isn't effective, both are very abstract concepts. Try a more direct approach, say taking away one of her toys.

I was a pretty shitty kid overall (mostly due shit parenting), for example deciding in the last minute whether I want to go somewhere or not. Dad taught me a lesson by hyping up going somewhere I really wanted and then calling it off at the last minute when I was all ready to go. Never did that shit again after that.

Though I was 4 at that point and if she's 8, she should've learned the very basics of behavior by now. (From her parents)

YOU DONT NEED US TO SHARE PARENTIG METHODS WITH YOU, YOU CAN FIND THEM YOURSELF.

THE ONLY THING YOU NEED FROM US IT TO REALISE THAT YOU TWO PARENTS NEED TO CHANGE.

YOU'RE FUCKING THIS KID UP AND YOU'RE TOO STUPID TO REALISE IT, PAY SCHOOLS AND WHOEVER ELSE TO RAISE YOUR KID BECAUSE SHE NEEDS SOMEONE SMARTER.

>>17750435
This guy has the right idea.

>>17750440
look above, I would also add that, human beings in general, including children usually don't have too good an idea of what they would enjoy the most or what is best for themselves.
So it's up to you to take charge, because from what I've seen... she seems to do whatever the hell she wants and is very care-free, even for a child. At this age, she needs to learn how to function in society.

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>>17750457
shit anon calm down it's not all bad, she can still turn out quite beautiful.

>>17750435
she has tried soccer, swimming lessons, tennis, dance, gymnastics, Ice skating, and softball. she gets expensive so we oy do what she says she likes. also no more team sports because it's not really fair to the other kids that try hard. o also pottery and art classes.

I'm sorry if she's bord with school, it's a very highly rated public school. she's in extra reading and math classes to help her get up to gread level. she's only not bord playing and she can't just do that 24/7. she has to learn this stuff to have a good future

she gets allowance for chores, also wev explained to her why it's important to be clean and keep your things nice. it's not to much to expect an 8 oy to help pick up a little.

my other child is still a toddler. she just a normal baby. idk how she'll act when she's older. my step daughter doesn't know that I'm not her biological mother. if been raising her since she was 5 months old and her biological mother has never been involved in her life so I just always treated her like my child.

>>17750486
>she gets allowance for chores
aww what does an 8 yo grill buy with this money lol

>>17750450
yes we do this, every day she gets a good color (they have a cor behavior scale thing) at school we do something fun, get ice creams, family movie night, goto the park. stuff she likes.

>>17750451
this is a good idea I'll try it thank you

>>17750454
I tried explaining in terms of would you like it if someone took your toys. no. exactly it's wrong. idk if tried I will continue to try. she just doesn't seem to care much. she will do the same thing over and over right after each other no matter how much it gets her in trouble. she has this attitude of ill show you I'll get my way. usually I wind up backing down because I don't want to fight with her, it dose no good.

>>17750491
Shopkins and monster high dolls mostly. she has a crap tun of toys. her grandmother spoils her a lot, that's the mail reason she trashes her toys and clothes because "grandma will just get me more"

>>17750458
agree

>>17750486

Okay, so she's tried a handful of things and they haven't stuck so far, but that doesn't mean you should just give up and allow the status quo to continue.

A public school is a public school at the end of the day. Think of a Public School as a business, they're focusing on the smart kids and the ones who show promise. If your kid isn't thriving in a public school, then I would invest in a private schooling option. Not just because the education is better, the biggest impact will be an improvement in general behaviours.

Why is an 8 year old getting an allowance for chores? That's complete insanity and an example of really terrible parenting. You're not teaching her the value of simply doing something. She needs to establish a connection between cleaning her room to prevent problems (I.e. The actual physical mess and well as the disharmony it creates within the house). She needs to understand that she is doing her part. By paying her money, (which is a concept that an 8 year old doesn't understand) you're teaching her that you're there to pick up after her. There's really not enough space to explain how horrifically bad this is. You're not getting your child to do chores, you're occasionally hiring your child as a cleaner.

Also, you cannot say that you treat both children the same when your own child is that young. You've got no experience to base that assumption on.

>>17750503
I think she's quite adorable.

>>17750440
>>17750350
>>17750325
>>17750268
>>17750498
You sound weak as fuck, no wonder she steps all over you.

>>17750458
yes that's why I tried to push her records the gymnastics and dance, it seemed to be what she tried the hardest at. like even if she is still goffing off a lot at least it's something structure and she is learning to listen to a coach a little bit

>>17750498
>she has this attitude of ill show you I'll get my way
And you enable it by always letting things happen her way.

While constant fighting is obviously not good for her, you do need to be more decisive and act like a parent, which will cause little conflicts in short term but also much more good in the long run.

Why should she take you serious if she gets what she wants? She's not mature enough yet to realize that this kind of behavior won't work later in life and no explaining will do.

>>17750503
Well, another negative factor. It's hard to appreciate things if you get spoiled.

>>17750509
she is adorable, very very pretty and well spoken.

>>17750514
I don't just let her get away with being bad, we take her to away, put her in time out, don't let her go out to play with her friends, take toys away. it depends on what she is in trouble for. we punish her based on her behavior.

the spoiled thing I think is her biggest problem. she is very entitled and thinks everyone else is just here to keep her happy. she really idolizes her grandmother who has never worked and is a very spoiled women herself. I just want my daughter to have bigger aspirations then finding some man to take care of her her whole life.

>>17750508
once again we have explained to her, many many times, as to why keeping your home clean is important. teaching her that she can earn money for things she wants by working hard and doing a good job isn't wrong. you just get mad over anything I answer.

I can't afford a private school. her school is one of the highest rated in our state. it will have to do. I already work full time I can't just afford to put her into private school it's very expensive

Does she show emotion a lot?
Would you describe her as empathetic?

>>17750545
she is very emotional and sensitive. she gets upset easily over little things. not very empathetic tho. she doesn't really care if other people are upset. she not mean or a bully tho at all. like she nice to other kids. even when she back talks us shes not mean she defiant but she never like calls names or anything like that.

>>17750542

Knowing something and understanding something are two different things and there's no point in repeating the same message if it fails to sink in.

Have you had her tested for dyslexia or any other developmental disorders? By which I mean have you had her tested and then got a second opinion just in case?

Teaching a child that if you work hard you can earn money is a good idea but you're going about it in the wrong way. When it comes to chores, the lesson that she has to learn is that everyday there's things that need done and if you do those things everyday even if you are not in the mood then it will have a good impact but if you let things slide, then there's a problem. Right now the lesson you're teaching her is that if she wants money then she can clean her room and if she doesn't want money then you'll clean her room for her. Do you see the difference?

Fair enough if you can't afford a private school but have you checked? My parents couldn't afford to send me so they sent me off to see if I could get a scholarship (all I did was met with a couple of teachers and filled an exam out,they didn't tell me what it was for) I wasn't clever enough to get a full scholarship but it did take the bill down by 40% which made it just manageable. Like I said, fair enough if you can't, but just double check it's not an option.


You're right, im getting mad at a lot of the things you're saying but do you know why?

Because you need to realise that this child's behavioural problems start and end with you and your husband. You needed to smarten up and realise that what you're doing is wrong because if you don't your ruining her life and your next child's life.

You keep blaming everything on her but you are the adult. The second you argue with a child they have already won because you shouldn't have to argue with an 8 year old.

>>17750545
for example of her being emotional. shell be trying to put on her shoes, one dosent go on easily. she gets mad and kicks the ground, throws the shoes and then cries for like 5 mins. or let's say she brushing her hair, there is a knot. she will rip the brush through it all pissed of ripping out clomps of hair. it's painful to watch. I'll ask her if I can brush it for her, or tell her to be more gentle, that looks like it hurts but it only makes her madder and she will just yell no and keep doing it.

>>17750583
damn I really feel bad for her ;(

>>17750588
yes it is awful she gets overwhelmed by everything. any time she has the least bit of trouble with something she freaks out. I try telling her to stay calm, web tried a bunch of different stuff like stress balls or snow globes. you watch the flakes fall and calm dawn when the settle.
all stuff suggested by therapist but none of it has helped.

>>17750582
you are just wrong I don't know what else to say. there is nothing we do that isn't normal parenting. the child is loved, feed, safe, she has a life that any kid would be lucky to have. kids are people, they have their own personality and you can't change who they fundamentally are. do you even have kids? I really don't think you have a grasp of the situation at all. we are not doing anything wrong to her. im not going to listen to this crap, I'm a good mother. I'm not hurting my kids or going to ruin there lives. you are horrible for saying that.

saying o don't argue with an 8 yo, obviously you don't have experience with this because kids are head strong and if you have to explain things to them they try to argue. you dont indulge that but you are just honestly being completely stupid if you think all kids are just perfect little beings and that they oy be naughty if someone is doing something to them. some times it's really just how they are. just like some adults. not everything is a result of your parents. I had a horrible child hood and I didn't do a lot of this stuff. if it was always that a child acts good or bad based on their parents then my kid would be a little angel all the time and I would have been a demon as a kid.

>>17750622
You've got a very narrow definition of "bad parenting". It doesn't necessary mean treating kids abusive, screaming around the house and all that shit. Giving a kid too much autonomy in early age is bad too. You don't need to have bad intentions to make sub-optimal decisions. You seem to take the "bad parenting" label too close to the heart, it's not meant as a personal insult, only a skill that not many are good at in the first place. Most parents have no fucking idea what they are doing and operate on hearsay from friends/own parents and memories from their own childhood, sometimes it works out, sometimes ... well you get what you have now. I don't think anybody doubts your intentions, it's just that the methods you tried so far weren't very good.


>some times it's really just how they are. just like some adults.
That's very, very simplistic. There are always reasons why adults and children act in a certain way. When it comes to adults, one can even find most of the reasons in their upbringing, though obviously it's a lot more complicated than "shit parenting = bad behaved children"; while "good parenting = good behaved children" tends to correlate quite often.

>>17750268
>I love my husband but he doesn't help much and I really don't know how much more i can put up with this without losing my mind.
Why don't you tell your husband this?

>>17750325
maybe try ingorance when she's going through her theatre. Children often overusing attention, and this is going deeper and deeper.then.

>>17750653
wow OK so no one is ever responsible for their own actions it's always somehow their parents fault. ok so no matter what I do or how hard I'm trying to be a good parent it doesn't matter i am somehow bad and to blame for all of my child's problems. OK you still didn't answer my question, do you have kids? you really are wrong there are plenty of people who had awful childhoods and are still good people, and there are plenty of people who had great childhoods and still turn out to be shit heads. since all you want to do is tell me how awful i am and how I'm to blame for ever problem my child ever has I'm done talking to you. your not giving any suggestions to help or listening to the details of the situation only blaming me and talking shit. I bet you aren't even a parent.

>>17750679
this maybe, I think a lot of why she dose stuff is for attention. she acts up at school if the teacher is helping other kids more then her. she wants and adults around to focus on her and only her.

>>17750622

I am not wrong. If your parenting style is normal in your situation then fine but it is not normal to anyone else who has commented and a lot of people here seem to agree with some of the things I'm saying.

The only thing that's wrong with your kid is she's not interested in doing shit she doesn't want to and you have failed to establish yourself in an authoritative role or implement any systems to raise her.

I can't say whether you're a good mother or a bad mother but I can tell you for a fact you could be a better mother than you are now.

And you know what, I'm giving you advice not because I give a fuck about you but because my heart bleeds for that poor little girl.

You've told me that I'm wrong and that I'm stupid and I don't really have a grasp on the situation. I have two children who are happy, healthy, doing exceptionally well in school, who do their chores unpaid, participate in both their individual and team activities, who don't piss everywhere as a cry for help.

You don't need to hit your kids to be a bad parent, but if you've Gonna be a shitty parent and raise a shitty kid you fucking better believe it is entirely your fault.

>>17750727
By the way there's more than one person replying to this thread, you're actually talking to multiple people and citing as if it's all the same person? You look like a fucking idiot right now.

>>17750727

Adults are responsible for their own actions, children are not.

It's funny because this is one of the few threads people are trying to give advice to and OP is too dumb and aggro to take it

>>17750727
wow OK so no one is ever responsible for their own actions it's always somehow their parents fault.

Yes that is definitely true until the child is a few years older than 8. This child is suffering from something and it's your job as parents to figure out what it is and help the child.
When j was in middle school I acted crazy and couldn't learn and cut myself due to abuse at home. My parents didn't realize they were abusing me and that I was also being raped by a in other family member. I encourage you to look hard into this

>>17750727
>so no one is ever responsible for their own actions
Just because there are other factors and circumstances that cause our action, doesn't imply we're not responsible for them.

>it's always somehow their parents fault
When it comes to children, especially as young as your daughter yes, mostly. Environment is the largest factor once we exclude disabilities. So basically other children, teachers, grandparents and most importantly the parents. So you and your husband.

>so no matter what I do or how hard I'm trying to be a good parent it doesn't matter i am somehow bad and to blame for all of my child's problems.
You're the biggest factor as a parent, and I'd rather use the word "responsible" than "blame".

>OK you still didn't answer my question, do you have kids?
You never asked me that, it was another anon. There 15 other people in this thread yo.
Though to answer for my sake, nope. Although I got plenty of experience helping to raise my little sis, babysitting five different kids long term and generally get asked for parenting advice all the fucking time. Whether it's worth something is up to you of course.

>there are plenty of people who had awful childhoods and are still good people
Never denied that.

>there are plenty of people who had great childhoods and still turn out to be shit heads.
These are pretty rare but obviously exist as well.

>all you want to do is tell me how awful i am
Didn't see it in the thread sans a troll or two. Hell, I specified that "your parenting method sucks" doesn't mean that you do or that you don't have the best interest of your kids in mind. You got the right intention, recognize problematic behavior and future consequences of it, etc, etc ... only the way you deal with it isn't very effective; otherwise this thread wouldn't exist.

>I'm done talking to you.
Take care and best luck.

As for suggestions, there were plenty in the thread, and most were (surprisingly) good.

>>17750268
Learn how to spell simply words you stupid cunt. The poor kid has a retarded stepmother.

>>17750909
She got dyslexia, faggot. Apparently you suck even harder at reading than she does at spelling.

>>17750764
This attitude is what raises shitty kids

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>>17750909
>Learn how to spell simply words you stupid cunt.
>spell simply words
I think it's time to turn the computer off before you embarrass yourself any further.

>>17750917
>he thinks I read further than the first post before giving up