The Search of Happiness

Keep in mind, I don't have a single ounce of hope in my mind of finding a 'replacement' or another lover. I've accepted this part of it. However, I was thinking for awhile that maybe I could help fill the void with family-like friends, but with my strange personality, developing said relationships doesn't seem likely.
I'm very slowly accepting the fact I'm doomed to feel lonely no matter what I do at this point, considering everything I've lost.

Here's where I want advice: What should I do from here?
I've started doing a lot of things that I normally wouldn't. I raced one of my managers in my car, tried going on a rollercoaster and other rides, picked up hobbies I've never had any interest in, going to the gym more, finding different ways of handling my social life, going hiking, going fishing, doing work on my own car, having sex with someone casually, the list goes on.
Although I've found a few new hobbies I enjoy (Poetry, drawing, ...), it's not helping my depression at all.

I'm at a loss of what to do at this point. I'm trying so many new things, and that's okay, but nothing is helping at all.
I've found I gain at least some happiness by sharing what wisdom I do have with others, but it's also extremely draining to invest into someone like that, so it's not realistic to think of me doing that as a primary way to fend off my loneliness.


tl;dr: I have no family, or close friends. I'm trying to fill the void. What can I do, aside from the typical "Do things" advice, which I've been desperately trying.

>>17736280

You're fortunate to even be able to talk to your ex.

Find new friends and stop being an ass - whatever you did to frighten people obviously didn't work out too well.

>>17736287
I wouldn't call it fortunate, entirely. It's extremely bittersweet, and while there are upsides to it, there's also plenty of downsides of keeping in contact. For both of us, in fact.

>Find new friends and stop being an ass
I've been finding new people to talk with though. I have maybe 5 new people on the side that I'm investing myself into to see where it goes, and maybe help them with life a little. It just doesn't stop me from having extremely long panic attacks from feeling alone.

And yes, what I did to scare everyone was pretty bad, but that's not 'normal me' at all. I don't consider myself an asshole, and I don't feel others do as well (Although, obviously, people won't be calling me a asshole if they care to keep me around, even if they were to be honest).
I just don't know. The psychosis I went through at the time is a extremely poor example of who I am. Even back then, I was more of a unhealthy person, but what I did was quite a jump from my normal sick mentality.

Thank you for the post, but I'm not really sure it applies to my specific situation. I'm sorry.

>>17736308

Fair enough, but it's good that you can at least work on being adults. If the downsides are too much, you can always cut contact.

It sounds like you are working on your shit which is good. People always want to be "cured" NOW - but it's just effort over the long run that does it.

Perhaps a pet? Something for you to love, and to love in return?

>>17736326
I might cut contact someday in the future. It's a possibility. I like keeping them around though, because seeing them happy helps me a little. Makes a lot of this seems at least kind of worth it, as stupid and immature that might sound.
And thanks, yeah, I'm doing the best I can do with my own knowledge of how basic psychology usually works. I'm also trying to give myself quite a lot of time before I say my life completely hopeless.

I'd love to have a pet. I'm really good with animals and I'm sure it'd help me get attached to something else at least a little bit. However, my current living situation demands I have roommates. It's their apartment, and they don't want to have any free-roaming animals in the house, even if it's contained to only my room (Poor thing, in which case). I'd be kind of okay with a reptile of some kind, or something in a cage, but I wouldn't be able to get as affectionate as I could with say, a cat, dog, or rabbit. Not to mention having a heat lamp would be far too much with my little room.
I'd be okay with having a rodent pet, but my roommates said no to that as well.

Keep in mind, I'm kind of otherwise okay with my living situation. We have compatible personalities, and don't clash that much. Which is great.

I also don't see my financial situation changing much to allow me to get a place of my own. So I'm stuck here for at least another two years.

Thank you very much for your time.

>>17736344

No problem. If you're this polite to strangers on the internet I rescind my advise on working on not being an ass. You seem to have figured that out :D

Have you considered volunteering with animals then? I think that would be the best thing. You're hitting all the right wickets besides that - you just need something to love. All the self-improvement will pay off and your interests will give you opportunities for find new friends and new partners.

Godspeed anon

>>17736376
I do hope my self-improvement will make a difference. Its been awhile so far and no changes to how I feel have happened yet, making me worried rather or not itll do anything to my mood ever.

I haven't thought of animal volunteer work, actually. I like the idea.
Ill try that out soon at a local shelter. Thanks for the suggestion.