Guilty over dying relative, having fun

>>17735926

Depends on the person.

I've had people die and I haven't been there, and until this thread, hadn't thought about it.

People are hung up on "oh if only I'd told them" - if the dead didn't know you cared, why the fuck did they interact with you?

or "oh the last thing I did was be mean" as if being nice could excuse a lifetime of shitty behavior - and they don't care anymore anyway, as they're dead

If you're going to torture yourself for "not being there" whatever that means, go visit. Did your uncle ask to see you? Were you close?

People are dying all the time. Would your uncle want you to be sad and not party? There's a time for a moment of silence... and then there's a time for dinner. And later, a time for dancing.

Does that help?

>>17735939
Thank you. He's the last surviving member of my dad's side of the family, so I see what's left of my dad in him which makes this even more painful. I suppose I should wait to see if he improves at all and make my choice to visit then.

>>17736037

You could call and ask, too.

We are all selfish and you are worried about your guilt... but have you considered maybe he wants to die in peace, doesn't want people (or maybe only intimate friends/wife or something) to see him, or maybe is hopped up on medically pure painkillers and just doesn't give a shit?

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>>17736052
He's so weak he can hardly talk. It hurts to hear him struggle to talk to me...but he wants to talk to me. He said he'll call me back in a week, so guess I'll take him for his word?

>>17736133

Consider what you would want when you die. Sounds like a plan. You've been a part of his life the best way you can. People understand life is life - we should all try to be better, but we can't obsess about being perfect.

>>17736138
Thank you again. The thing is, if I was dying I would want to see my relatives face to face one more time. My dad when he was dying, was the exact opposite. Refused to take pictures, or let people see him decay by the end of his life. Again, he's not even admitting to me that he's dying, so I probably can't get a straight answer. I think I have to lean towards traveling to see him, since I doubt even my dad would be mad if someone traveled across the country to see him.

>>17735926
what the actual fuck how is this even a question of course you ditch your friends to see him. if theyre good friends theyd join or understand.

>>17736172
I'm not ditching my uncle...I'm considering spending money I don't have to see him now, but I'm meeting with friends who will be in my area in the meantime. I felt bad about enjoying myself with them knowing in the back of my head my uncle is suffering.

>>17736158

Well, that's the thing.
We all do what we want to do to make ourselves happy... or what we think will make ourselves happy... or sometimes, just what we want to do.

At the end of the day, the only person you have to live with is you.
What I mean is, I've given you some perspectives to consider and things to think about, to empathize with - if you can't live with yourself if you don't fly out, you wouldn't ask the question - just fly out.
If you are fucked financially if you do and you believe he understands and your being there really wouldn't change anything, and you won't lose sleep over it, don't fly out.

If you think he would frown sad frowns from up on his cloud when you're drinking, then don't, go do whatever you think he would want you to do... if you want your life to be run by the dying.

Personally I think, regardless if "they" want you to be happy or not, just go try to be happy.

You get one life, it's up to you how much you want to fuck it up, and what "fucking it up" means.

"Yeah I owe 2 grand for this plane ticket but it was the right thing to do."

You just have to choose what's important. Sometimes there aren't really any right answers, and you may always regret it, but that's because some things are 55/45 and you don't ever see it until far later with years of hindsight.

>>17736192
If he calls me back, and if he wants to see me, I will fly out. I just hope he isn't a vegetable by the time I arrive. That would be the worst-case scenario.

>>17736225

Sounds like a plan. If he wanted you right then he could have said so.

No it wouldn't. You choosing not to would be worst. If you flew and didn't make it, you still took action and did the right thing as you saw it.

>>17736192
You mention having my life be run by the dying...in this case, with him, I think deserves a final wish if he wants to see me.

>>17736229
Thank you again. I try to chip in to /adv/, never start a thread. I cried at work today in front of my coworkers, that's how flustered I was lol.

>>17736235

I was talking more of never partying again but after rereading your post you mean right now. Yeah, a one time fly out wasn't what I was getting at - more a if someone has cancer for years, then goes into remission, then has cancer... that's a lot of life not lived etc.

>>17736243
Totally. I can't even imagine what it's like to take of a parent or someone with a disease like alzheimer's. Just a huge chunk of your life being muddied and no human way to avoid it. Honestly there is relief when someone passes away from struggling with a disease for so long.