Someone talk me thru my recent breakup with a potential BPD.

What happened

>>17718434
Full story or the break up portion of it?

>>17718060
Sorry to hear. I don't know how the relationship was, but just know you're not responsible for your ex's mental illness.

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>>17718060
BPD is a very difficult disorder to live with. It can be hard when you do not have BPD, because you will never understand it truly.

When you are in a relationship with someone who had BPD it is imperative you do your research and develop a system of communication. People with BPD need cool down times, and you need to be able to recognize when you should walk away and come back to it later, because most of the time people with BPD can act without thinking things through.

Both me and my SO have BPD. She is a standard "loud" type, while I am what's called a "quiet" Borderline. Things can be difficult once in awhile but overall we've developed a very good system of communication and know how to recognize when we're splitting or having an unreasonable reaction to things. Being able to take a step back and cool down before discussing anything really helps.

>>17719282
It's hard bro, only thing that really helps is reading stories about people with similar situations. It's sad to read them, but boy are most of them accurate.

>>17719301
I might have you learn me some stuff.
You're absolutely right I'll never understand it. I've tried my best for the past few days but I can never be certain why she wanted to split or "take a break". I didn't realize she had bpd until she wanted a break/break up. Both of yall have it? That doesn't sound healthy but hey I'm not a doctor. Can't tell for sure if I fucked up or if she didn't want me, or what the fuck actually happened.

Never ever involve yourself with someone with BPD. Unless youre prepared to get cheated on/stolen from/lied to regularly because of "muh attack", "muh split", or "muh anxiety".

>>17719414
We have a very healthy relationship. The key, like with any relationship, is just understanding and honesty.

The more you learn about BPD, the more you can begin to recognize behaviors before they escalate. We're able to understand one another, and while we still experience things like splitting or anxiety, it's much easier to be open about it.

A simple, "I am splitting right now, can I have a moment?" is much easier than having an argument. We've both actually been able to learn and grow as people because we both experience the same things.

If either of us is acting irrationally, we just say, "Lets take a moment to calm down,". We make sure to take turns explaining how we are feeling, and why we are feeling that way, even if it's am "I don't know".

Really, people demonize BPD but if you take the time to learn about your partner and why they feel the way they do, you can learn to speak their language.

I'd be happy to answer any questions you have on the subject to the best of my ability. I'm not expert or psychiatrist, but I do have some experience.

>>17719414
Also, I'll just add, people with BPD never "Want" to split. It's frustrating for everyone involved. I absolutely can't stand it when I split on people, but I've learned ways to handle it so I don't upset anyone.

>>17719448
Elaborate. I don't have BPD so you're going to have to break this down for me

>>17719491
It's difficult to explain, but I'll try.

Splitting is something that happens without warning, like a mood swing. People with BPD have no control over it, and it can range in intensity, and can be triggered by anything.

It's kind of like the Person and the Brain and two different entities, and the Brain sends false signals that the body experiences but cannot change, the only thing they can do is wait it out.

It's basically the failure in a person's thinking to bring together the dichotomy of both positive and negative qualities of the self and others into a cohesive, realistic whole. It's like the brain switches only to "Black and White Thinking", there is only "Good and Bad" and no gray.

An example here is, my SO forgot to call me one night. Harmless, easy mistake. But, my brain would sometimes switch to, "She did not call you. She is not thinking about you. She doesn't ever think about you. She hates you. You're annoying, anyway, and it doesn't matter. You don't need her. She hates you, anyway."

This, of course, is untrue and irrational--but this does not mean my brain won't stop forcing me to feel this way. It's incredibly frustrating because the rational side of me knows I am not reacting properly--but that doesn't make the feelings any less real.

When I feel this way, I try to recognize it and distract myself until it goes away, instead of acting on it.

I wonder, I often wonder whether, with support and research, I could have made my relationship with my ex work. I loved her a lot, and I believe she loved me, but I was with her for 18 months and I was completely fucking miserable for about half of that. I had never even heard the term "borderline personality disorder" until after I had left her, but the description of the symptoms matches her behaviour so strongly that there's little doubt in my mind that that's what was going on.

During our 18 months together, I watched her completely cut 4 people out of her life because of things they had done or said that made her angry. She would never actually address it with them, she would just decide never to speak to them again. The last one was my mother, which is what precipitated my leaving her.

She tried to get me to cut friends out of my life, too, by punishing me for spending time with them. Certain of my friends she decided that she didn't like, so anytime I would go to hang out with them, she would accuse me of spending too much time away from her. She'd sometimes call me and ask, innocuously, when I was going to come home. If I replied that I didn't know, she'd say "well just guess!" Then, if I was later than that, she'd say "But you promised to be over here by midnight!" I once helped a friend (whom she didn't like) move house in the AM, so she called me at noon to tell me to come over. When I said I was planning on staying for a while longer, she'd ask "Why are you choosing him over me?" and called me like four times that afternoon to tell me how angry she was. She absolutely forbade me to make new friends if they were women.

(cont)

>>17719558
She insisted that I spend time with her instead of studying for exams. She threatened suicide. She asked me to lie for her about really tiny inconsequential things. She gave me the silent treatment. She gave me shit-tests all the time, which I failed intentionally, which would lead to fights. I once asked her to have sex, and she said she didn't feel like it, so I went to the bathroom and masturbated. When she realised that, she got angry and said "But what if I changed my mind?"

When she quit smoking weed, she wanted me to quit too, but never actually told me that. So she instead accused me of having a substance abuse problem, because that way it would be MY problem, not hers.

She'd threaten to break up with me whenever I did something she didn't like, as a means of controlling my behaviour. Eventually, I replied that yeah, maybe it would be better to break up, and she freaked the fuck out. She told me that our relationship was the only reason she hadn't moved back to her hometown (which was bullshit, she had never mentioned that to me before). I told her I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who was constantly pretending to leave me, and she promised to stop - that lasted about 2 months. I think this is why when I finally broke up with her, she didn't understand that I was really breaking up with her. She kept promising to change her behaviour, because she didn't realise that I didn't give a fuck about how she acted anymore. I just wanted to be gone.

I think, honestly, even had I known about her illness, and even had I known how to deal with that, it still wouldn't have worked. Because IN ADDITION to that, she was selfish, petty, and immature. But I still wonder.

>>17719564
Sounds like it could have BPD, or some other personality disorder.

One thing you have to realize is that if the person doesn't know they have it, they don't realize they are acting inappropriately all the time. This isn't an excuse, but might put things into perspective.

It's important to know, and while a SO should be aware of the symptoms and try to be accommodating in the end it is up to the individual to be accountable for their own actions and learn healthy, proper coping mechanisms. They need help, but it's very important not to enable a person with BPD, because otherwise they will have a harder time understanding that they have done something wrong.

I don't always realize when I am acting irrationally. Most of the time I do, but I need to be told sometimes to back off. It's nice to have someone who is looking out for you and knows when to tell you to check yourself.

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>>17719512
>>17719558
>>17719564
>>17719587
So translate for me. If a potential BPD says
"I'm questioning us a little"
" idk if we're compatable"
"i want us both to be happy but sometimes were not"
"i want you to be happy and in the long run its don't think it's with me"
"I just need some time to think"
"I'm confused with what I want"
"I don't know what I need to do"
"I want to be with you but if I'm feeling confused then that's not fair to you I don't know"
"I can't decide"
"I can't decide right now"
"I'm scared I'm going to hurt you and I don't want to"
"Idk if I do or want and that's not fair to you at all you don't deserve to be treated that way. You're great"
"You deserve to be happy"
"I think while I'm feeling this way we shouldn't be together and if were meant to be together it'll happen, If you decide to move on then that's okay I'm not going to stop you from being happy"
"But what if I realize you are the one"
"I need some time to be on my ow I think"
"I do want to take as break but it makes me sad when you say goodbye"
"I just don't think I'm ready for this relationship there is so much I'm confused about and idk"
"I've spent so long being depressed and sad and I just want to live it and spend time on bettering myself"
"We can definitely still be friends but I don't want to be in a relationship right now"

Sorry wall the wall of text, but hey I don't know what this shit means in a BPD.

Jesus, all of those things are decidedly nicer than the shit I would hear from my ex.
But honestly, without context I can't help you. They all might mean exactly what they sound like.

>>17720042
What are you replying to?

I feel you OP we broke up Friday all I can think about are the good times it hurts so much but we need to get through it. I went out partying two days straight I'm trying to get her out of my head

>>17720077
I've taken a shit to of different drug but truthfully none of them have really helped so far. If you find some that do let me know. It's VERY important to note, from what I've read, a BPD never truly loves a person the way normal people do, they love them more as an item. For example, "this new call of Duty game is so awesome I love it!" OR "these shoes are so cute I love them!" Everyone she will ever "love" will literally be an item rather than a person.

I've accepted this. But I'm a stubborn mother fucker. I want to know what exactly triggered her to do a 180 in our relationship. I have 100 things running thru my mind and I'll probably never truly know the reason behind her actions.

>>17719301
Don't ever have children.

>>17720075

>>17720042 is a reply to >>17720035

>>17720035
You typed out all of this shit from my chat log, someone translate, preferably the anon with bpd.