School related suicide

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>Grow up in the shadow of honors student brother
>Be autistic, yet I strangely become popular because of my work with the cultural studies department and helping foreign students.
>Do well in classes, yet sometimes I forget key details and fuck up pretty badly. My parents find out and give me a grief filled talking.
>I sometimes zone out and have issues with tracking words. As well as some social cues.
>Get a 66% on my English quiz, oh Jesus I thought it was a practice quiz online!!
>My parents accuse me of being on drugs.
>Get sent to therapy.
>This takes up a whole day I could've been studying.
>Therapist tells me I "have no clear identity and don't accept blame for myself. Hence why I can't have close relationships."
>Hearing this made me question who I am as a whole... I am filled with quilt and I feel like I let people down all the time.
>Some girl with a boyfriend says I'm perfect. This makes me feel weird.


I feel cold all the time now. I know my intellect is there, hell I got 90% on a history exam most get Ds on. Yet sometimes I can't process small details. I feel like I'm not just a ball of contradictions and that I'm doomed to be below average for studying. I just want steady Bs and a cutie girlfriend... Yet I also want to die.