Attachment Issues

>I have Asperger's Syndrome, but I don't want to actually change myself at all or go outside my comfort zone

>>17693826
>How can I stop getting overly attached

Are you sure that's what you want?

Doesn't the attachment bring both highs and lows?

>>17693871
Yeah that is what I want. I want to have healthy relationships, not obsessive clingy ones. What do?

>>17693837
I didn't say I don't want to actually change myself. Where did you get that from?

>>17693826
Going through something similar. It's beginning to occur to me that I suffer from abandonment issues resulting from my dad walking out when I was a kid. As a result I'm extremely reluctant to create bonds with new people but I'm /overly/ committed to maintaining ones with people I already consider a part of my life.

On one hand it's great, I get along well with my family and my mentality has allowed me to maintain strong bonds with friends I've known since I was a child.

On the other hand I've learned that it makes getting close to women extremely rare for me. I'm very reluctant to open myself up to women and the fear of breakups (that I perceive as abandonment) awakens my anxieties and puts me into a depressive, suicidal spiral.

I've been trying to engage with these issues more and I know that one step I have to take is engaging my father, just so I can understand my own grievances more holistically.

My advice to you is, be as honest with yourself as possible. What causes this sense of attachment? How does it make you feel? Where do you think it comes from? Do you want to be different? Why? How could you make that a reality.

Usually this sort of behaviour stems from pain or trauma somewhere in your past. Maybe you were cheated on or maybe your story is similar to mine? You have to examine yourself and identify the parts of you that are linked to this behaviour. It can be very hard and very painful.

If you can come to terms with the trauma, acknowledge, accept it then maybe you can begin to reassess your behaviour. You can never change who you are, what you've experienced but you can always make a conscious effort to be mindful of your self, to understand and grow.

Good luck.

>>17693936
>It's beginning to occur to me that I suffer from abandonment issues resulting from my dad walking out when I was a kid
I think it's the same thing for me.

>I've been trying to engage with these issues more and I know that one step I have to take is engaging my father, just so I can understand my own grievances more holistically.
Is it helping?

>How does it make you feel? Where do you think it comes from? Do you want to be different? Why? How could you make that a reality.
It makes me feel like a pathetic loser whining about silly bullshit. I think it comes from abandonment issues from family and shitty past relationships. I want to be different. I don't want the same patterns repeating in my life as well.

>If you can come to terms with the trauma, acknowledge, accept it then maybe you can begin to reassess your behaviour.
I can pinpoint the source of my problems and acknowledge their presence but that's as far as I can go. I mean, I don't know what to do with that information, you know? Yeah, I'm trying to be mindful of it but somehow it seems to slip through. Guess I need to try harder.

Thank you, anon. And good luck to you too!

>>17693955
>Is it helping?
The thought process definitely feels healthy. I know that a lot of things that soured my last relationship came from my insecurities and anger; things that I've recently had the guts to link to my past. I know that I have to face my dad, not because I'm expecting answers or a relationship but because I have anger. That anger belongs to him and until I can show him how I feel, that anger will belong to me and by extension my future partners. It's easy to dismiss these things, it's hard to face them.

>Is it helping?
A lot. The introspective I am, the more honest I can be with myself, the more hope I have for my future. I was in therapy for a little while and just talking out these things with professional really helped, no diagnosis, no drugs, just conversations. There was a lot I was lying to myself about and these questions helped me to be truthful with myself.

>I can pinpoint the source of my problems and acknowledge their presence but that's as far as I can go. I mean, I don't know what to do with that information, you know? Yeah, I'm trying to be mindful of it but somehow it seems to slip through. Guess I need to try harder.
It's a process, friend, it could take you a lifetime to be where you want to be, so don't give up on yourself. None of this is a 'fix'm it's about accepting the complexities of yourself and seeing them for what they are, for what you are.

>>17693969
I definitely cannot afford therapy now. Would you say you have forgiven your dad? I don't think I have. I mean, I KNOW that he's trying to be a better father and all but emotionally I don't think I have forgiven him.

How did you come to realize that you were lying to yourself about things?

Do you recommend any books? I'm currently reading The Power of Now and writing things I need to remember in a journal of sorts.

You sound like a great guy. You remind me a lot of my childhood friend. I sincerely wish you good luck, man!

>>17693927
>obsessive clingy

You can choose to frame it that way, or you can look at it as intimate and enduring.

If you don't want connections with people, then don't connect with them.

>>17694008
>I definitely cannot afford therapy now. Would you say you have forgiven your dad? I don't think I have. I mean, I KNOW that he's trying to be a better father and all but emotionally I don't think I have forgiven him.
I had to drop therapy due to the price. Trust in friends who can hold conversations, ones who are willing to listen and give input without judgement, that in itself has been therapeutic for me. I don't think I've forgiven him, in fact, I don't think I've even considered it. I want to forgive him though, he's a wretched fellow and I don't think he would have done me much good as a father anyway. I believe that If I can forgive him then I can let the anguish go and move on. That level of catharsis is for you to reach, alone.

>How did you come to realize that you were lying to yourself about things?
My mother raised me to think that his absence was normal. That sort of thing was pretty normalised in my environment growing up. In therapy I realised that I was very defensive about pointing out how /abnormal/ it actually is to not have a father. I denied even thinking about my father, I've only recently started to use the word 'dad' to describe him and I'm still uncomfortable with it. I was always angry that he left and about the way he treated my mother but at the same time I was denying he even existed, filling a void with another void, so to speak. Therapy helped me to see this but so did conversations with my ex (who had a similarly shitty father) and a good friend who also faced almost identical difficulties.

>Do you recommend any books? I'm currently reading The Power of Now and writing things I need to remember in a journal of sorts.
Not really. I read up on behaviour and psychology here and there. The Hero With a Thousand Faces made me realise just how significant a mans relationship (or lack thereof) with his father is.

You sound pretty solid yourself and by the sounds of your attitude, you'll figure things out.

>>17694021
This. Perspective is very important.