What is love

>>17673064
baby don't hurt me

>>17673064
Chemical reactions in the brain.

>>17673064

we have no real proof that were experiencing the same kinds of feelings. love is up entirely to interpretation. there is no actual definition.

dictionary dot com just calls it
>an intense feeling of deep affection.

a lot of modern definitions don't even refer to it as just a feeling. like you mentioned it could be stickign with someone even when seeing their bad side.

in that way its like bravery. you don't feel bravery, you do something brave. in this case you don't feel love, you do something loving.

tl;dr no answer. define it yourself as you go along.

I for one think that love is love. those feeligns are feelings. you can be in love iwth someone, or parts of someone, or the ideal of someone.

i dont think anyones ever really just in love with the way someone looks, unless they've literally never talked to them. i think the man who killed his wife for cheating on her loved just as much as the man who forgave her.

i believe love is just that rush of feelings you get. there can be more to it, but thats the baseline.

I think people that insist that their definition of love is the only definition of love are pretty self righteous.

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Pretty much when you're willing to die for person/help them (beyond "reasonable" terms) because of your feelings towards them, regardless of their imperfections, or even yourself for that matter. It can be out of passion, or because you've been through a lot, or for many other reasons, really.

For example, the one of the reasons people cling to the idea of an all loving, monotheistic god is that they know someone already has, and would again, help or die for their them.

However, as >>17673310 implies, there are different ways people interpret love, and there really is no right answer.

Hope that helps.

>>17673310
>>17673901
Thanks, I've never said "I love you" to anyone before, I've been chatting daily for 8 weeks to this girl I met in real life and had sex with at the start, but she lives a continent away.
She has said "I love you" a few times in text (but never when skyping) and it feels really good when she does it, but that also makes me afraid that I'm just going with the flow while at the same time thinking that billions of people must have said it while feeling less strong emotions then I am right now.
When I think about and practice saying it it I kinda feel tears welling up but I can't decide if they are happy tears for finally wanting to say it or tears from me lying to myself and forcing something. I do feel really bad when I don't say it back to her, but that might partly be because I feel she's putting herself out there and me not reciprocating.
Too many conflicting things seems to be true at once. Can't tell the difference between really liking someone and love.

It's almost like saying "I love you" would carry the same weight as a proposal right now and that's not how it's supposed to be, should I relax my standard for being in love?

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>>17674566
Bump so then I can respond.

I'm this anon by the way>>17673901

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>>17674566
>she lives a continent away.
Not to discourage you, but I've heard LDRs can be hard to maintain if you, and your partner, aren't both on the same boat.
>makes me afraid that I'm just going with the flow while at the same time thinking that billions of people must have said it while feeling less strong emotions then I am right now.
OP, if you mean what you think you mean, say "I love ___." As long as you mean it, say it. If you think that you don't mean it, or will end up regretting it later, then don't say it. But trust me when I say that if you'd feel that you would regret not saying it, then say it. Even if time goes on, and you part ways, know that saying I love you to that girl was true to yourself, and her, and that there is/was nothing wrong with what you had felt in the not-so-far past.
>can't decide if they are happy tears for finally wanting to say it or tears from me lying to myself and forcing something.
I say take a leap of faith, and say it. Love is about making yourself vulnerable, and trusting that your partner will sick with you through thick and thin (and vice versa). It might be better to tell your girlfriend about how you're feeling too, so then that way you can get it off your chest to someone you trust―or even better imo, to the person that this mainly concerns besides yourself. You both can discuss it, and then go from there. If she really does love you as she has been saying, then it's most likely that she will reciprocate your thoughts, and try to at least help if not lend herself as an ear for you to speak into.

>>17673064

I think "real love" comes when you've been in a relationship with someone for 6 months or more, after the honeymoon phase ends and you're left with their whole personality, and you love every bit, even the bad stuff because it makes them who they are. You would do anything for them and be there for them whenever they need, it's that kind of selfless feeling where you want to give your partner the world.

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>>17674566
Pt. 2 of >>17674692

>Can't tell the difference between really liking someone and love.
Like the other anon and I said, people interpret love a little differently, although people always refer to the same general scale of thinking, I'm sure. Anyway, refer to your own definition of liking and loving. You're obviously disgruntled about love, so what about liking? And exactly what does it mean to you? Ask yourself that if you like someone, are you willing to have sex with them? What about if you're just horny? Hypothetically speaking, would you like the specific hooker you had sex with? (What would you do for someone you "like" over someone you "love," if there's a difference for you after all). If not, then you can scratch that off. And then what about love? What country are you from? I ask because it can affect the way people view love. Where you're from, is it normal to say it? Like to family members? Or is it only reserved to intimately close people, like say your SO? If you can't answer these types of questions fully (I only listed a small few in an ocean of many, as it's different for each person), that's okay. Feel yourself out from here, and grow as an individual. It will be worth it if you're able to keep a cool head, and be as honest as possible with the people/person you care for from here on out imo.
>It's almost like saying "I love you" would carry the same weight as a proposal right now and that's not how it's supposed to be, should I relax my standard for being in love?
Read a little bit of my first response again. If you aren't sure about yourself, tell her straight up. That's one of the greatest things about being in a relationship where you can be intimate. You can tell them lots of things, and if they are as true to their word as you would as well, then it'll be alright. If she dumps you because you're too emotional or something (and it's without good reason), then whatever, she wasn't the one anyway.

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>>17674566
To finish >>17674709

Go ahead, and be passionate. Be stupid. Make mistakes. It might hurt, but it'll be a learning experience that will help to build a better you, and in that allow for better relationships.

Like >>17674700 said―pretty much wrapped up half of what I'm trying o convey―there is also that difference between the honeymoon phase, and what comes after. That selflessness is what is the most attractive thing about people. Especially when it comes to men, as acceptance is one―if not the―most attractive thing they (we) can find in a woman.

Check out this site or seomthing similar if you don't trust my link for a clearer distinction between infatuation and what is considered to be "true/chivalrous love": http://theydiffer.com/difference-between-loving-someone-and-being-in-love/

>>17674725

Basically when a girl says "I love you but I'm not in love with you" that's just a sign she doesn't want to settle down yet and shouldn't reflect badly on you, because she won't be "in love" with anyone for a lifetime. For some reason there is people out there that think true love is feeling the honeymoon phase for the entirety of their relationship, this is a fairy-tale.

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Op, in a sense, I can relate to you. I grew up with no father, and a mother who lived off of men. I moved at least 10-15 times, going from across the country and back, and attended 9 different schools before finally settling down for high school.
My concept of love is perhaps skewered, or rather nonexistent, as I came to resent my mother, so much so that I only consider her the woman who birthed me, and have never felt "loved," in at least the way I thought it.
Recently, I encountered someone who I did eventually come to "love," but it's rather complicated in that perhaps it was more than what I had intended, or what we had both thought (she's married). I went on exchange, during the time I had with my last host mother, I had taught the concept of how Americans―yes, I'm one―generally express love, and had in turn been able to share that with her. Based on my philosophy for dealing with international affairs (I want to join Doctors without borders), I have been trying to put into practice the idea of omnipotent caring and therein love for all, and had expressed that to her (but didn't go into much detail with her due to the nature of our talk at the time); in that―and to put a long story short―I had also said that I did not want a mother or father to replace those which I did not have, but after time had passed, I said that I loved her, for I came to care for her deeply. This was, however, something that stemmed from what I'm now considering to be an emotional affair, as she had shown an emotional side that she couldn't/hadn't/rarely showed to her own husband and family thanks to their culture. One thing happened after the next (we were never physical), however, and the husband had told me to piss off in the end.
What was that, I wonder. I know I'm not putting my words into the most coherent of ways, mostly because I'm tired as hell, but if you can grasp the predicament I've come to realize in myself, then I'm sure you can see where I'm making a connection.

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>>17674737
>Basically when a girl says "I love you but I'm not in love with you" that's just a sign she doesn't want to settle down yet and shouldn't reflect badly on you, because she won't be "in love" with anyone for a lifetime.

Which is why OP needs to make that distinction on his own. I'm assuming he's intelligent enough to at least understand that there are varying degrees to when someone says I love blah to different people, as is implied in his post, "Thinking that billions of people must have said it while feeling less strong emotions then I am right now" (>>17674566).

OP here, thanks for all the tips.
>>17674692
>>17674709
I think I need to stop thinking "love" as "knowing everything" about a person and replace it with "wanting to know" their good and bad sides. As you say, I think I'll regret not saying it sooner, even if I'm not 100 % sure, but I have a honest personality that gets in the way, which is why I should change the meaning.
It's really scary to try and progress/change the relationship too when we've already made plans to see each other in her country, me footing the bill for my air travel and airbnb, (I'd go anyways and try and make the best of it but it would kinda suck) Since we met in my City I only felt it natural for me to go to her this time even if she didn't travel for me.
So I think she appreciates that gesture. I'm Swedish and she's Japanese (we're on 4chan after all). She spent a year in America so her English is good and she appreciates the social freedoms in western civ that she's not granted there, so I might get her to come over, but we've skirted around that issue for now with me saying that "there are huge obstacles for us to work out, but until we know how much we like each other we won't know if they are worth tackling" so I know I'm taking it seriously and thinking long run at least.
I think that since we've already had sex (and I really enjoyed it at least) it's not only lust that will dissipate after us having sex again. And I've stopped looking at dating sites too (my phone suggested last week that I uninstall tinder out of inactivity so I did). So I don't think I'm confusing the likes of lust with love at least. I used to be pretty unfit so us having been physical already means a lot.

I have told her after the first time she wrote "I love you" that I have never said it to anyone so I didn't want to just write it causally, it seems like she's very used to guys not talking about their feelings so atm I might feel refreshing but I'm afraid it'll get old if I push it too far.

OP once more
>>17674700
I think I agree. I'm pretty tall and broad shouldered (191cm) so I've often felt misjudged by people who think of me as bullish when I'm this nice guy who hates fights, perhaps even to the point of being to accommodating to avoid confrontations but I have worked on it.
Therefore I often feel as though I have to explain my feelings/emotions to make sure the other party understands. Like I can't just say "I love you", I have to explain why I love that person or I'll think that the other person won't believe me. But breaking something like love down to components and checklists will not make for a romantic declaration, so knowing I can't explain it when I say it because it would ruin it might also be a reason it's hard for me to say, because I might think she won't believe me (or not believing anyone can love me at all, but lets just assume that's a figment of my imagination, I'll be happy to be proven wrong).
I think you hit the nail on the head with the honeymoon-analogy, I simply can't believe she'd think I was telling the truth if I say it too early, but I also have no experience of knowing when it's right or too late either.
I'm not dumb enough to do it in a text, I'd at least be brave enough to say it during skype, but I also feel as though that because of the distance that might be to cowardly as well and that it won't mean as much if I don't say it in person, but that's 6 weeks away still and I don't want to wait that long, what if that is "too late". Even though I think it might not be since she's made time for me for 5 nights with the "relationship" we had a week ago.

OP again
>>17674759
My background is mostly different, my parents are married, no other marriages behind them and are basically my ideal I want to live up to, so that makes me afraid of making mistakes with women, even though they themselves have never put any pressure on me to feel that way, I just admire them and feel that anything different from what they have had would be a failing even though I know it isn't. Even though I don't envy your experience one bit and I understand how something like that could make you accustomed to or think you only deserve a "lower standard", you seem to have chosen a respectable profession and you can only go up from where you where unless you start murdering southeast Asian hookers I guess.

With this girl I know I have to accept that her culture is different and that the first public acknowledgement of a relationship between us might be "hey, come to our wedding". For one thing she's asked me not to share anything about us in social media like tagging on facebook and so on and I think I understand her situation, sort of like how Japanese pop stars can't reveal their boyfriends before marriage because society would value them lower, impacting career and social status, she needs to be sure before something like that happens and I respect that I have something to prove before she does that and that it doesn't mean that she's ashamed of me.

>>17674830

Don't overthink it, if you genuinely like this girl and want to see a future with her at this present time and you're swept up in the honeymoon period just go with it and say it. If she keeps saying it to you and you don't reciprocate she might start to wonder what's going on. Be at least a little sure that you have some kind of feeling of love and wanting to be with this girl but you don't have to remove any doubt to be able to say it. Like the honeymoon phase impacting your judgement or you not being 100% sure it's actually love. I think sometimes saying it makes you understand it's real too, you're not sure what the feeling is but when you express it to each other for the first time it's beautiful and you accept the feeling is real.

>>17674866
>Don't overthink it
If I could avoid that I probably wouldn't be here right now but you are right.
This spring I was dating a girl, we met 3 times and had sex every time but I don't know, she had like this... almost catchphrase like thing she said of "you're only saying that because I'll hit you otherwise" said jokingly every time I complimented her. It kinda got to me and I started thinking I wasn't starting to feel in love with her so I broke it off when she called to plan our next date and she seemed shocked. I just felt guilty going any further, it made me depressed to think I was fooling her if I had continued.

But with this girl, when she texted "I love you" (she was a bit drunk and feeling unsure about my feelings so she had lashed out a bit but I ensured her I was serious about her) I didn't feel guilty, my conscience didn't feel heavy, I just felt a really warm feeling in my stomach, like when you sweep a glass of whiskey or brandy. This was something I don't ever remember feeling so even though she was the one who had said not to rush anything (we're so far apart after all, starting a real LDR to quickly would just end in failure).
So yeah, if we skype tonight I think I'm going to try to say it, I might tear up without being sure why but I'm pretty sure I'm saying it because I really like her and I want to like her even more in the future.

Thank you for all the long advice.

>>17674914

That basically confirms it man, we've all had those girls where you're going along but something just doesn't feel right, you feel like you will never truly love them so you end it. The girl you have now sounds like someone you truly care about, go ahead and say it, it's probably true. Love can make you question what you're feeling, a great indicator is your reaction to her saying it, and that seemed to go very positively.

>>17674954
Whoo. She just called and I said it. She started crying and smiling and said it made her very happy. And I feel much better now too.
Alea iacta est.

I had this small terrible feeling that it might be tears of guilt but it can't be easy smiling all the time when crying even if they are happy and it's not the first time I've seen her cry while being happy either. While I haven't pursued anyone since we met we haven't made each other any promises or solidified a monogamous relationship, god knows I've pursued more than one person at a time but never on this level.

But tl;dr confessed/proclaimed my love and it seem to have gone over well. Thank you all for making me take a chance.

>>17675045
At a boy OP, woo!

It will pay off for sure. This will most likely turn out to be a great chapter in your life in terms of relationships.

Oh, and it's funny how she turned out to be Japanese. My predicament >>17674759 took place in Japan. I just got back from a year long exchange over a month ago.

Any who, good job OP. Play your cards right, and you'll make for a better man.

Good luck.