Want to blame Mom for current troubles, but can't

What really gets me isn't so much what she did say or do in an overt manner, but the little-but-not-so-little gestures and quips she would make that made me feel like something was inherently wrong with me. Constantly she would basically shame the fuck out of me for whatever mundane bullshit thing to make me feel like I was stupid, worthless, or in some way lesser to everybody else. If I tried something new, for example, I was a retard. If I made a mistake, I was a retard. If I wasn't fast enough, I was a retard. If I, idk, stubbed my toe, I was a retard. Of course she wouldn't just outright say it, but she would make it very clear with her body language and little snorts and snarky noises
Obviously this bred some very serious insecurity issues with me. Strangely though, for awhile, once I decided I was tired of feeling bad about myself, I actually tried to reach her (and now mine, if you've been reading) standards. It worked great at the peak: I was smart, charismatic, respected, and capable of whatever I wanted to do...on the outside. Though I had a brief period of time in High School where I was actually fulfilled and happy, for the most part I still didn't feel like I was ever good enough, and was neurotically obsessed to the point of deep depression and anxiety (on the inside) with my [i]perceived[/i] failures. I would also find fault in everything I did, it was so annoying.

Then I found my girlfriend of 4 years with a self-inflicted bullet hole in her head. Eventually I cracked, and everything fell apart. Everything I'd ever worked for, or cared about went to the wayside, and who I was died under the rubble that was my former life. I became extremely reclusive, began abusing drugs, and lost all of my friends by way of shunning them and turning into a complete loser. The constant battle in my mind combined with my extreme, irrational emotional responses were just too much for me to carry that long.

For a long time I minimized what happened to me in my childhood, because my Mom and Dad made me feel like I was an idiot for having any complaints. I guess their thought was basically, "it could have been worse". Now they're a bit more understanding I think, since they saw what I was before, and see what I am now. Or more likely just pity me and are easier on me now.

Anyway, I'm just feeling really blue lately and upset that I'm such a shitty failure of a human. I want to blame my parents exclusively, but I know it's also because I'm weak and selfish. I honestly feel worn so thin, and so fragile mentally now. I get so fucking tired and blurry in my head that I don't even know what's going on, can't understand what people are saying, and generally feel like shit about myself. I get so insecure and so paranoid sometimes, so much to the point that I actually hear people talk about me audibly, even when it's clear they weren't saying anything at all. Sometimes I hear people laughing at me, and I just know it's at me, and turn around and nobody is there. Most of the time though it's when people are actually talking.

Intellectually I know that it's not happening, but I still feel so bad about these "voices" that I just shut down every few days. I think it's just a manifestation of my insecurities. My psychiatrist doesn't seem to think I'm schizo, and I've gotten a second opinion that believes the same thing. He says that since I can typically attribute the voices to somebody actually talking, that my brain is just filling i the gaps, because that's just what it does, and because of my insecurity issues it's usually negative shit.

Again I just wanted to vent. My psychiatrist is monkeying with my meds and it's making me feel a lot more down and bleh. Thanks for reading if you did

My mam got abused as a kid in a way that's probably worse or on par with yours, but she was always caring and loving to both me and my sister, I'm pretty sure yours is just batshit insane, or that's a large part of it. You've no idea how much of what she told you is true.

Regardless, it's your life and the past is in the past which you seem to realize here:

>I want to blame my parents exclusively, but I know it's also because I'm weak and selfish.

I'm surprised your psychiatrist doesn't think your schitzo because you're displaying many of the classic symptoms.

Anyway I'd get your hormone levels tested, they're usually a large part of the problem in cases like this, particularly free testosterone.

Whatever meds you're on, make sure you understand exactly what they're doing to you and why. Too many people rely on their doctor to think for them.

Can't offer specific help because I'm not medically trained, but it's quite clear you're mentally ill.

>>17669247
Yeah, but who really cares if I'm mentally ill, right? As long as I can go to work and be the boss and make my parents money, what I'm feeling is pretty much irrelevant.

I want to leave town and start over completely, or end it all. I cared about my mom being distraught, but frankly I'm starting to not give a shit. My Dad, yeah, I do, he's a decent person, but he'll get the fuck over it.

Everything I do is wrong, everything I say is stupid, it's always an exasperating experience to be around me, i'll never amount to shit etc etc etc etc

>>17669538
>but who really cares if I'm mentally ill, right?
Nobody, but you should because without treatment and understanding yourself you can't lead as happy a life, if at all.

You also potentially pose a danger to others, and may be manipulative or destructive, knowingly or not.

>As long as I can go to work and be the boss and make my parents money, what I'm feeling is pretty much irrelevant.
Then why did you make the thread?

Stop pretending you don't care, you do, and it sucks and you've likely been dealt a shitty hand, but that's life, cruel and unfair til you slog and sort yourself out and come to understand yourself.

>I want to leave town and start over completely, or end it all. I cared about my mom being distraught, but frankly I'm starting to not give a shit. My Dad, yeah, I do, he's a decent person, but he'll get the fuck over it.
You never get over the death of a kid, don't play that bullshit card.


Keep in mind I don't care whether you kill yourself or not, just your reasons for doing so are bullshit. You're fucked and working towards fixing yourself isn't the easiest option, it's just the best one.