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My father passed away three months ago.
I've been struggling to keep on going. I had found motivation in trying to set an example for my younger siblings, for my father's sake.
I had made a little sanctuary out of my room. I made it into art, there were beautiful pictures everywhere and colorful things with flavorful candles and books. I had written quotes, things like "you are beautiful" "don't give up" stay with God" and things to keep me going on post its.
I got back in school. I have to take the bus 11 or 12 miles every day to get to class. I ran to the gym and got in great shape. None of this mattered if I didn't have my beautiful room. My room was all I cared about.
My sister, she bought adderall from some kid she goes to school with and she told me about it. She got two of them so I asked if I could have one. She broke a half of one. The next day I went to see if she had them because I knew where she kept them. She hadn't touched them. I took the other half. She saw that I did that and accused me of taking it. The next day I went to check again. She didn't move them even after knowing I had went and grabbed one without asking the day before. She had taken half of one. I took the other half.
Should she be doing drugs anyways? She got so angry with me, that she picked the lock to my room. She tore down my post its and replaced them with ones telling me how much of a piece of shit I am. She threw all my art on the floor. My room is destroyed .And now I don't know what to do I don't even want to try anymore. This kind of shit just reminds me that my dad is dead. Yes I want to kill myself but how? I have to save up for a gun, but how much? I don't know anything about guns, how much money do I need to buy my way out of this cesspool of an existence? Including buying ammo I obviously only would need 1 bullet, but that's kinda suspicious asking to buy just one bullet.
Spare me the bullshit, by the way. I know life is beautiful that's why I am ending mine.
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Look take one from me, I didn't lose my dad or anything but I lost my best friend and I can't ever get him back. Sure I am sad, hell I don't know what to do without him now. But would ending you life be something you dad would want? Of course it wouldn't be, think about all the good things he would want you to do. He would want you to be strong and pick yourself up when you are down, don't look at him as a reason to end your life but look at him as a reason to make him proud.
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>>17655417
This is legitimately sad just because you come off as genuine.
My 2c:
I don't really think that the circumstances of your life are bad enough to warrant suicide, and I think most people would agree with me.
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>>17655417
Well, you should take solace in the fact that most black men don't even get the chance to meet their fathers. Cherish those memories and live a life that would make him proud!
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>>17655417
Lost both my parents. Mother when I was 13 (out of nowhere, motorcycle accident), and my dad when I was 18 (finishing up finals in college. Got a call that he passed away. Also out of nowhere.)
I know how you feel. I've lost both my parents. It sucks. It's hard. It's easier if you knew he loved you.
Suicide isn't the answer. All you're doing is putting all of the hurt and heartbreak you feel from your father passing and exponentially adding to it for your family. But that's not the main point.
Don't kill yourself because you have things to experience. Have you been to California? Have you seen the sun set over the ocean? Have you felt truly and 100% free when you're swimming. Or hiking. Or whatever you do. You have things to experience. Songs to hear. Sights to see.
I keep going because I have a brother who needs me. But more than that...
I wouldn't be content with what I've had. I'm taking from this life all the things I want. And I can't get that through suicide.
I'm sorry if this doesn't help. But someone has been there. And they didn't commit suicide. And they turned out fine(ish).
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You will fuck up with drugs. Then, you will hopefully learn how to manage the habit. However, if you are at a critical point in your life, one step backwards can be the end. If you are arguing already, just don't fuck with that shit (or make god damn sure no one finds out). Check out FIDLAR - Bad Habits in the link:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LNGQJgRjL
P0
DON'T DO DRUGS WITH SIBLINGS. They are some of the only people in the world whose opinions actually. Even if you hate them or you have mad fallouts. Everyone else will sell you out.
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