Why does finding a mate have to be such a competitive thing?

>>17600209
because other people want a mate too but you dont have to fight for an undesirable mate why take the worst when you can fight for a chance at the best?

>>17600209
It is that simple. If you're not finding anyone it means you're going for girls out of your league.

You're basically asking why this universe isn't giving you special treatment, anon. Yeah, it's not ideal, but it's just how things are. Nothing about your body--frighteningly efficient as it is--would be the way it is if billions of years of fighting for survival didn't happen from atomic level to organism level.

>>17600229
>why take the worst when you can fight for a chance at the best?
Yeah, because there's no middle ground there at all.

>>17600231
I've never once been in a situation where a girl was interested in me without actively trying to work hard at trying to impress her by pretending to be something I'm not. And even then I'm never successful because I'm not good at that sort of thing at all. I just gave up on trying years ago because the entire thing seems completely fucking hopeless to me.

>>17600209
>just to get them to like you more than somebody else
how often that it actually happen like that?

There is no obligation to prance around and present yourself as a valuable mate. None at all.

We're all selfish creatures, creatures of habit, and absolutes. We want the best, or close to the best. The way to overcome that is to not play the game. Why do you need a mate now? You're some 20 year old student. You should only really worry about finding someone to start a family with when you're in your 30's or 40's.

Even then it's not worth it, not unless you have some kind of decent family. For people like me that has no family relations, no status, or security, I am very limited to whoever likes me based on my looks. That will not last long.

You don't need a mate. You don't need sex. Masturbation is pretty solid. Girlfriends come and go.

>>17600209
Once you stop caring about being in a relationship or starting one. You'll find things a lot easier.

stop looking it will come naturally.

>>17600209
>Why does finding a mate have to be such a competitive thing?

It's called sexual selecion.
You have been sexually deselected.

>>17600920
I'm about to turn 30, and I do want to start a family. I'm not even that interested in sex anymore, just want to find someone to love and spend the rest of my life with and have kids with. I don't want to be 50 one day and realize I wasted my life. I feel like time is running out on the possibility of not being lonely for the rest of my life. I have no siblings and barely any extended family, so when my parents die I will pretty much have nobody left.

>>17600934
>>17600944
It's never worked that way for me. When I stop trying, nothing happens. Then again, the same thing happens when I do try hard at it, because I suck at pretending to be something I'm not.

>>17600209
>why can't it just be as simple as meeting somebody who likes you the way you are
It is. The problem is you're not confident with yourself, so women are going to sense that and reject it. Nothing dries a vagina faster than self doubt. That's why the alpha chads are the ones getting all the girls, because they're confident as fuck. You think they're pretending to be anything they aren't and altering their behavior to get bitches?

>>17601472
I don't know or care about what the "Chads" are doing. The girls they tend to get aren't usually the ones I'm attracted to anyway.

You're right about confidence though, I don't really have any. But part of the reason why is because I've never had success with women, so it's like a loop I can never get out of.

But to my original point, why do I need to even have a special kind of confidence when dealing with women? I'm confident when it comes to other activities and things in my life. But it seems like none of that counts and I need to put on some kind of "show" just for women, which is something I'm truly incapable of.

>>17600944
this is the most retarded thing I´ve heard in a long time.
You are probably female, so I can understand where you are coming from, but this is NOT true for men.
Everything you see as "natural" is set up by the other gender and requires a lot of work + risk.
Just cause you are not the on putting in the initial work, doesnt mean that it came natural.
Tl;dr:
Love doesnt "come natural" for men. Someone has to aproach, ask for a date, etc.

>>17601497
You sound like you try too hard, or are at least overthinking things. Just be yourself and stop giving a shit about what women think. And if your confidence really is that bad work on self improvement. Exercise, learn a new skill, etc. Do something that will make you feel proud of yourself, but do it for you, not just as a means of attracting women. At the end of the day if you don't love yourself you can't expect anyone else to.

>>17600231
idk what the fuck you mean by league
thats not a game where there are different levels,like you can only marry lvl 25 if you're around lvl 20-30 yourself...wtf

>>17601504
I'm a man, and it does.

It's a lot easier without playing stupid games, doesn't matter if you're male or female.

It's not attractive to be fucked in the head. Not sure how else to say it. View life normally and it's a breeze.

>>17601516
I don't try anymore. I gave up like 2 years ago, and since then I've pretty much had zero contact with women at all. I just use my free time to focus on my own things now, but I still can't help this nagging feeling that I want and need to start a family soon. And that can't happen without finding somebody who loves me as much as I love them. That's why I don't even get why this whole thing has to be a competition. If I have to compete against other guys for a girl, then how can there even be mutual love there?

>>17601526
>View life normally and it's a breeze.
What exactly does that mean?

>>17601423
>When I stop trying, nothing happens.
also wrong.

>stop looking it will come naturally.
that's supposed to mean to chill out, meet new people, have a good time.
the "new people"-aspect is crucial.

and don't be obsessed, dayum.

>>17601531
>I still can't help this nagging feeling that I want and need to start a family soon
You're a man, you have all the time in the world. They're the ones with the ticking biological clocks, and it's why the older a woman gets the more rapidly her standards drop. It's in a woman's best interests to lock down a good guy in their early 20's, so the pressure is on them.

>>17600947
AND NOW WHAT TO DO?

>>17601534
I can only explain with analogies. You know sex (maybe), it's pretty easy right? Now imagine all you knew about sex came from 20 years of reading cosmo magazines. The first guy is just enjoying life, the second is overcomplicating everything and stressing out.

>>17601544
sudoku or start a hormone-replacement-therapy and become a boi-twink for some perv in /r9k/.

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>>17600209
>Is what I'm describing impossible?
Yes.

>>17601543
But I'm aging and becoming less attractive as I get older too, so if I haven't been able to find somebody during the peak of my physical appearance and ability (my 20s), then how can I expect it to happen later?

>>17601548
I don't think that's my problem at all though. I'm not overcomplicating anything, I'm just wondering why I need to behave in a different way from what I'm normally like in order to get somebody of the opposite sex to like me.

>>17601575
You don't.

I was responding to this crazy post >>17601504
If you're neurotic you might want to sort it, otherwise normal is fine.

>>17600209
>Why does finding a mate have to be such a competitive thing?
It doesn't.

>I mean why can't it just be as simple as meeting somebody who likes you the way you are, without having to pretend to be something else and having to change your behavior just to get them to like you more than somebody else?
It can be.

>I don't want to compete for girls against other guys.
You don't have to.

>I just want to find somebody equal to me with whom there can be mutual love and respect. Is what I'm describing impossible?
It isn't.

But to do it, you've got to start looking for women who alredy understand the things you do, the stereotypes you fit (and the stereotypes you break), and so on. If you're a weeb, that means anime clubs. If you're a gamer, that means gaming groups. If you're a maker, it means makerspaces. And so on, and so forth.

There are three caveats to this approach:
- This does not completely eliminate competition. Women in these geeky pastimes still get fought over to a certain extent. But you can compete without pretending to be anything other than what you are. In fact, you usually have to.
- If you want women who spend as much time as you do on the same interests you do, then most of the time, their lives are going to be similar to yours, and so will their looks. This dooms most of the /r9k/ crowd before they even begin, because they wouldn't give the time of day to women who look and/or act like them. Be careful not to fall into that same trap. This may require you to broaden your horizons.
- There are people in this world who simply are not ready for relationships: there is growth that still needs to happen. I cannot say for certain whether or not you are such a one, but your lament is common among them, so I feel compelled to bring it up. Are you ready? Are you sure? This is another trap that the /r9k/ crowd tends to fall into.

>>17601557
A man's peak physical appearance is 30's to 40's depending on how well he takes care of himself. Whenever People does their "sexiest man alive" it's generally someone in that age range.

>>17601549
but I dont want to

>>17601589
This.
I've never met a guy who hasn't got better as he aged.

>>17601587
So a neet has to fuck fuckvault ugly neet whale girls?

>>17600209
>I mean why can't it just be as simple as meeting someone who likes you the way you are
I'll let you in on a little secret: that's exactly how it is.

>>17601645
nobody gives a shit about neets, they removed themselves from the equation.

>>17600209

Stop faking it. You mention you want a family, great! Are you going to pretend 24/7? Of course not.

If being yourself is not working, maybe you are an asshole, or a whinny man-child, or a clingy perv, or something.

Working on your bad traits is not "changing for women", it's "changing for the better".

>>17600209
Women suck. They're the ones who choose so they set the rules. They like guys who build up personas and buy expensive things and are shamelessly narcissistic. Female sexual choice is the main driver of our entire society.

Try online dating for people who are actually looking for relationships, don't lie about yourself and don't rush things, you might be perfect for someone out there, you just have to put yourself in the market

>>17601645
That's not how it works. You can't pair up too obnoxious people and expect them to like each other. It's not a game of match up.

I mean to put it another way. Cheap ramen noodles might tastes a little better when you're poor, but overall they are still crap. Likewise, delicious meals are delicious to mostly everyone.

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>>17601504
Nigga plz I am man and after I stopped looking found my wife been together 7 years

>>17601587
>But to do it, you've got to start looking for women who alredy understand the things you do
But what if my interests are so different and unique from everybody else's that there's nobody out there who is similar to me?

>their lives are going to be similar to yours, and so will their looks
I know, and I'm specifically looking for somebody who's just like me, but I've never come across somebody like that.

>There are people in this world who simply are not ready for relationships
I don't know if I am, but I do know for sure that I don't want to be lonely for the rest of my life, and I want to be able to raise children of my own.

>>17600209
A young woman will always have a suite of men to follow. It doesn't matter how ugly, fat, gross, or disgusting the woman is, she will always have someone there to try and take her.

The thing is women really like the first man that can woo her. As such it is a race against time. If you don't act out front, she will go with someone who does.

It's a sad fact of life but it makes perfect biological sense. Now as a woman age, she might realize that is stupid and divorce the person but then that means you can pick up the used good later in life once everyone else had a shot.

>>17601756
>But what if my interests are so different and unique from everybody else's that there's nobody out there who is similar to me?
Too bad, so sad.

>I know, and I'm specifically looking for somebody who's just like me, but I've never come across somebody like that.
Happens.

>I don't know if I am, but I do know for sure that I don't want to be lonely for the rest of my life, and I want to be able to raise children of my own.
First steps first. Slow and steady, tiger.

>>17601756
>But what if my interests are so different and unique from everybody else's that there's nobody out there who is similar to me?
That is unlikely, unless you're getting REALLY particular and narrow.

>>17601504
>You are probably female, so I can understand where you are coming from, but this is NOT true for men.
It's true for men too, but it works a little differently.

The problem with "trying to get a girlfriend" is that it's possible -easy, even- to try too hard. If you get caught doing this, you look like a creep, and not even all that wrongly so. You have to strike a balance: you can't just do nothing, but the more you do, the more it hurts you. Think of it as a bell curve, where X is effort and Y is effect: you want to put in enough to hit near the top of the curve, but if you put in too much, you start sliding back down.

That balance can be hard to strike until you're used to it. My advice, unless you are already clearly not doing anything, is to dial it back and see how things go. Many people mistake this for giving up: it isn't. It's all about refining how you approach the matter.

>>17601850
What was the point of this post?

>>17601853
I mean, the best way to describe my interests are that I'm a big fan of art (music, film, books, video games, etc) from across a wide spectrum of decades/genres/subjects/etc. But I also have really high standards and probably come off as more cynical about everything than most people. I can't stand the direction that modern culture is going in and it probably shows in the way I talk about things. I'm not autistic about it to where I have to make my opinion known to everyone, but I probably do come off as really negative about these things when the topic does come up.

Where does a young man go to find women who want to mate for life?

>>17601965
>women who want to mate for life?

We're working on it bro... have patience and be true to yourself in the meantime.

https://vimeo.com/12915013

Or become an egotistical wannabe and net some cheap thrill that will end up more expensive and less satisfying than a trip to Vegas every week.

The universe is random and not designed by a loving god for you in particular, so yes, it's impossible to get everything you want consistently with no effort.

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>>17600209
>Why does finding a mate have to be such a competitive thing?

Pic related

>>17600209
>>17600209
watch a nature documentary

rams ram the shit out of each other
whales sllap each others shit
lions and hippos cockslap each other to determine whose more alpha

its just how things work. and yea it fucking sucks

Problem might be your mindset and self esteem there mate. I'm a chick in the same boat, every dude I've expressed interest in has always had 3-4 side chicks he's talking to and I am no where near as hot, sex positive, and experienced as them
I always assume I'm bottom of the barrel, and that I'm always going to be second best in the best possible scenario. But you know what, I realize that these thoughts are exactly why I am single. Because I shy away the second I see him speaking to another girl, the second I see him even in the same group photo as another girl.
Because I tell myself "I can't possibly be better than her, he would never choose me over her" and then I shut him out. Even if he truly was interested in me over anyone else. (Hell one time I shut down and stopped pursuing a guy after seeing a pic of him and this extremely hot girl on facebook arm in arm very close like, but found out months later that the chick was his sister.)
It's my own insecurity that's fucking me, and I'm about 99% positive it's what's fucking you too. I'm starting by trying to see myself as a prize first, if I can shake this feeling of inferiority I know my life will be better for it. I suggest you do the same.

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>>17603024
>silly violence to create more silly violence

Reject this nonsense. Become a beautiful one, a true savior of life, and achieve satisfaction that isn't based on temporary delusion.

youtube.com/watch?v=0Z760XNy4VM

It is that simple

If you meet someone who expects you to change, they are not the person you are describing. You're upholding the same standards you think are unreasonable

>>17601587
>There are people in this world who simply are not ready for relationships: there is growth that still needs to happen.
What a fucking catch-22.
>never get into a relationship
>no relationship or sexual experience
>get older
>nobody wants you because of your lack of experience
>no woman has the patience for some guy who's clueless and/or some guy that doesn't know when to make a move so they think he's not interested and/or some guy that sucks in bed etc.
Once you're out of high school or college with no experience, you're fucked. It's too late to start. Way too many odds against you.

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>>17603553

You're replying to trash:

>If you want women who spend as much time as you do on the same interests you do, then most of the time, their lives are going to be similar to yours, and so will their looks.

This is demonstrably false if you go outside and look around. You'll easily see lovely, fit men who struggle to get female attention with poor results, while there are an abundance of morbidly obese women that get enough action to make Richie Rich raise an eyebrow.

>>17600209
>Why does finding a mate have to be such a competitive thing?
Because this is humans we're talking about. We make everything into a competition!
It's part of our nature as a species. We can't really get EXCITED about things if we can't WIN!
Just look at the pokemon theme song:
>I want to be, the very best, like no one ever was!
We gotta be the fucking best, man! That's what we do!

>>17600209
Try to become emotionally numb and learn to hate women so you have no problem treating them like sex toys.

>>17604067
actually, scratch that, learn to love them like an endearing pet that isn't house trained and accidentally breaks things

>>17604023

But that's like... blatantly untrue. How do you even know that these morbidly obese women get action?

It's like what >>17603040 says, how are you presuming to know who's getting action and who isn't? The dude chilling out at the coffee shop by himself might be seeing his girlfriend later in the evening and that fat chick walking and laughing with the guy might be going home alone after the outing with her gay friend is over.

>>17604075
>How do you even know that these morbidly obese women get action?

I work around these women, so I get to observe quite a bit. They let men move in with them, take care of them, date them, or give them other attention. Also, body language is pretty easy to pick up if you pay attention to what people do rather than what people say.

I apologize if I said something blatantly untrue, but I disagree. Please educate me on how this is untrue?

>>17603040 is actually a great example of the perception I'm trying to describe. A female that could easily get someone equal to her in looks and interests, but instead she insists on going for guys that have 3-4 side chicks.

Possibly because if you're getting plenty of attention already, why settle for someone that everyone else isn't pining away for already?

"people should love me for who I am" is just a meme

Kids today are raised being told that they are "fine the way they are" and that they are "born this way". Which sounds like a nice sentiment on the surface, but in reality, its a dismissal of self-improvement and a celebration of laziness and narcissistic back patting.

People in the old days didn't have these troubles because they didn't have this mindset. They strived to be better people, always improving themselves, acknowledging that they had to compete and that their hard work gets paid off.
They thought that they had the potential to be special. Not that they were just born special and they needed to be accepted.
The entire "special snowflake" mentality seems to be specific to millenials and gen z.

See, what you are thinking is depressingly common. Everyone in your generation is becoming weak and innefectual, avoiding conflict and hardship and demanding that people accept them just the way they are.

Until you get rid of that conditioning, you will never be happy. You will never find love or have a meaningful life.

>>17604222
Thanks for the advice, grandpa. Mind wanna tell us how to fix the economy you helped destroyed?

>>17604222
>avoiding conflict

Kinda like walking into a thread and ignoring the multitude of comments that contradict what you're saying?

Until you get rid of that conditioning, you will never be happy. You will never find love or have a meaningful life.

>>17600231
Im not going after any girls, Im just simply a recluse

>>17603553
>What a fucking catch-22.
Only if you think relationships will bring personal growth. They don't.

>Once you're out of high school or college with no experience, you're fucked. It's too late to start. Way too many odds against you.
Wrong again. It does shrink your dating pool to a certain degree, but not to zero.

>>17604023
>This is demonstrably false if you go outside and look around. You'll easily see lovely, fit men who struggle to get female attention with poor results, while there are an abundance of morbidly obese women that get enough action to make Richie Rich raise an eyebrow.
Cut it out the gaslighting. Any fool can step outside and see that this is not true. Or are you a hikikomori, imagining what stepping outside must feel like?

>>17604222
>"people should love me for who I am" is just a meme
To some degree. But only some.

>Kids today are raised being told that they are "fine the way they are" and that they are "born this way". Which sounds like a nice sentiment on the surface, but in reality, its a dismissal of self-improvement and a celebration of laziness and narcissistic back patting.
It's more, I think, that the advice to "just be yourself" is given to people much too young to understand it. We're telling kids this at age 5-6 or even younger, when they're pretty much still ruled by impulse: what Freud called the id, and Jung called the shadow. They haven't begun to really build selves yet (Freud's ego, Jung's persona). They're still stuck in that half-psyche that we're all born with, but must build the other half of in order to thrive. Is it any wonder, then, that some number od them take this advice to mean that they shouldn't ever change? Is it surprising that they never build out their selves, when they think they shouldn't have to?

"Be yourself" and "fine as you are" are fine pieces of advice to give, to someone who has finished the process of selfcraft. But it's age-inappropriate at the time it's usually given.

>The entire "special snowflake" mentality seems to be specific to millenials and gen z.
It's gotten worse, but it has been a problem ever since the idea was coined, and that stretches back much further than these two generations, all the way back to the Baby Boomers. Do not think that we escaped unscathed; we did not.

It may be the great sin of the Greatest Generation, really. Entire civilizations, traumatized in the wake of World War II, strove above all else to build a people who not merely WOULD never do it again, but COULD never do it again. And they got their wish, no doubt about it. But perhaps they should have been more careful about what they wished for.

>>17604665
>someone disagrees with me, must be gaslighting!!1

Maybe you aren't from a first-world country, (where this is pervasive) or maybe you should go outside and see that this is actually true.

>>17604715
>>someone disagrees with me, must be gaslighting!!1
This is not mere gaslighting. All one has to do is actually go outside for a few hours so see that what you've said is patently false. This is raw data; there isn't even a need to apply interpretation, the equivalent of trying to claim there are five lights in a room when anyone can see there are only four.

That's what makes it gaslighting. It's not mere disagreement, because there's nothing to interpret and thus form disagreements over. You just called the sky green.

>Maybe you aren't from a first-world country, (where this is pervasive) or maybe you should go outside and see that this is actually true.
Maybe you live in a bubble, I guess. But what you have asserted here defies basic sense. The real world is nothing like your claims.

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>>17604665

>name-calling
>ad-hominem
>fallacy

Thank you for showing everyone (else) the quality of your argument. I recommend you look into critical thinking so you can stop spouting nonsense.

>>17604742
I reiterate: this is not arguing over whether the sky is better represented as #8888FF or #4444FF. That's disagreement. You just called the sky green. That's the difference: there is plenty of room for disagreement over what the data says, but you just claimed that the data contains something other than what it does.

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Pro tip. Stop hanging around dudes and start taking an interest in co-ed activities that improve your chances of meeting a quality person.

Get involved in a local charity organization. Join a "green" movement in your community. Volunteer some time at the local zoo or botanical center. If church is your bag, join a mentoring program.

Sitting in front of your computer and pining away will be you nowhere.

You have to engage.

>>17604665
>Cut it out the gaslighting. Any fool can step outside and see that this is not true. Or are you a hikikomori, imagining what stepping outside must feel like?

Maybe you should try making two accounts on a dating site, one with a fat woman and one with an average dude and see how things go. Men are desperate for sex and will offer it to even extremely undesirable women. Women basically just complain that they don't care about that and that it's not important without ever once trying to understand what it would be like to not have a steady stream of people constantly willing to have sex with them.

>>17604770

Nothing worse than this crap. Oh sure I will get involved with a local charity or co-ed activities and reduce what little free time to that. Nice nice. So not only will I have to stress about work but now I have to deal with this as well?

Fuck off.

>>17604731
>This is not mere gaslighting. All one has to do is actually go outside for a few hours so see that what you've said is patently false. This is raw data; there isn't even a need to apply interpretation, the equivalent of trying to claim there are five lights in a room when anyone can see there are only four.

I could say the exact same thing about what you're saying. Following your line of reasoning, this makes you a gaslighter as well.

But I never called you a gaslighter, because there's nothing to be gained in behaving in such a way, except maybe entertainment. And my intention here is not to entertain. (Although if someone is enjoying this, there's certainly nothing wrong with that)

I'll repeat that you haven't demonstrated that what I've said is (blatantly or otherwise) false, and that all you need to do is look around outside to see that it is so.

>>17604814
Its just a suggestion. And its worked great for me. Take a powder broseph. The dark lord will be back to collect your sorry ass momentarily.

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>>17604731
>The real world is nothing like your claims.

...so how long has it been since you've been outside?