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(This is long, so sorry)
Alright, so I recently got engaged and knew exactly who my maid of honor would be. We have been best friends since 2010 and even though we wouldn't see each other as often anymore, it was still unspoken that no one could replace each other. When we would see each other again, it was like no time had passed.
That changed when she started dating this guy. He was aggressive from the start towards me, would try to get me to have threesomes with them(even though I was dating current fiance) and then my friend would get upset with him for showing interest, he would project that on me and that it was my fault she was upset, etc etc. An absolute mess. They got married last year after she became pregnant and since then she has been completely focused on baby and husband. Nothing wrong with that! Makes perfect sense! What doesn't is that her husband tries to make us all hang out against her will(She has a new baby and it is hard to get out). When we do go out together, the night always ends with her crying and him sending me horrible and hateful messages about he loathes my existence. I do not understand. I do not know what to do. She comes to me with her marital problems, and even if i just sit and agree that her unhappiness is not unfounded, he lashes out on me.
He does these power plays where he shows me pictures of her naked and comments on how hot she is, he sends me rude messages and inappropriate things, and so on.
Through all this he still wants us all to hang out and subsequently, my fiance and I literally come up with talking points and "red zones" before we go out so there is not a blow up.
I do not know why I put up with it anymore. Through all this I still act like nothing is wrong when we see each other and tolerate his power play type shit.
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Continued>>>
Most recently he sent me a message saying my fiance shouldn't come dress shopping with us(fucking duh, who does that) and when I responded saying "obviously" to him, he lost his shit and sent me this big long rant about his absolute disgust and hatred for me(again) and this time calls me a bitch. At this point my fiance has had it and texts him himself.
The next day I pretended nothing happened, we went dress shopping, and we still have never spoken of it.
How the fuck do I proceed? They are both so delusional that I cannot even have a conversation with them about how he acts. We do not want him at the wedding and I am questioning if she can even be there given how he feels about me. I hate that it has come to this. Even his former friends(they both turned into hermits when they started dating) agree that this is out of control.
Help please. Thanks guys. I just need another perspective
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Have you shown your friend these texts? Does you friend care/know that their fiancé is treating you like this. If so, cut contact; there is no winning move with this. Otherwise show her explain and explain how he belittles her just to make you upset Etc
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>>17588983
After the last rant she sent me an 11 page message apologizing for him because he was drunk. She knows how he acts, but treats it as situational. For example, she apologized for him saying he misunderstood and though my fiance was coming wedding dress shopping. Not for the fact that he just insulted every part of my being and then told ME not to take it out on her(like messaging her and getting upset for his behavior, claiming I'm too childish to not punish her?? I don't know).
It really makes no sense
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>>17588983
Also, I'm too scared to talk to her about it because he will retaliate against me if he finds out.
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>>17589047
That alone is the line you need to pick a side on. You can say exactly that. I" feel I can't come to you with any problems because he will blow up" and look for an answer with them or just add in "so I'm just done with this routine bullshit"
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>>17589063
Thanks. It would be easier to do this in person but it is almost impossible to be able to see her.Breaking up with a friend is harder than a romantic relationship
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>>17589074
This friendship needs to end. She's made her choices and you are paying for them. Her decisions shouldn't be affecting you this much. End the friendship and be honest with as to why.
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>>17589074
>Thanks. It would be easier to do this in person but it is almost impossible to be able to see her.Breaking up with a friend is harder than a romantic relationship
"I love you as a friend, but that relationship did not include your husband.
You made a choice when you chose to marry him, and part of that choice was to be with him and take his side, for better or worse, and I completely understand that-- especially because, I'm about start my own family that I have to look out for too.
So that means I'm sorry, but I can't deal with your husband anymore. I never made the same choice you did with him, but I'm about to with someone else, and just the same as you can't betray him, I can't betray them either, because continuing on like this wouldn't just be unfair to me, but unfair to them. I don't deserve it, and neither do they.
I will always love you and I will always wish things could have been different, I honestly tried to get along with him but it's clear that's not going to happen. I hate this, it sucks, but as much as that's true, I can't start a new part of my life--a new family--with something so toxic looming in my life (because I'm honestly afraid of your husband sometimes); it just wouldn't be fair or responsible.
So I'm sorry, I love you, this is not your fault and I will always miss you, but this will have to be good bye."
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>>17589128
>>17589210
Thanks for the input, guys. I'm going to try to talk to her soon and see what their view of this whole mess is. If he can't at least be civil with me or not try to force his way in, I will be cutting it off. Sucks, since I really wanted her by my side when I got married. But if I cannot even talk to her without fear of her husband blowing up on me, there is no way we can do any wedding planning , or normal stuff in general
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