Get It Off Your Chest

i molestered a little boy. he was ten. i was 14. he totally wanted it but i feel guilty. help.

I wish I wasn't so nervous and insecure when we had our first kiss. It was my first ever kiss and while I was freaking out about getting it right, you thought I was disinterested and didn't want you to kiss me.

>24 year old male high school teacher
>Have to resist the urge to slam teenage pussy every day
>They don't make it easy
>They flirt to get better grades
>They wear low-cut shirts on test days and come up to ask me questions about the answers
>One girl sitting in front of my desk says aloud one day "I would get naked for an 'A' in this class" to 'nobody in particular'
>When I judge debate rounds they come up and shamelessly flirt with me

I question if this is really worth 60k and three months off per year with paid sick days.

>>17550423

>i will never have sex with my highschool rugby coach

why even live?

I need open heart surgery and I'm scared as fuck I'm going to die

I really dont want to die. I just feel like Screaming. This shit is giving me so mich anxiety and its only gonna get worse

I went a few days without talking about it. I'm somewhat better. Today, I somewhat hurt inside because it's been 3 weeks now. I'm trying my best to get over it though.

I fucked up. Got a call from my sis a couple weeks ago saying that my grandmother was sick and in the hospital. I kept putting off going to visit her even though I had a couple good opportunities. Got a text this morning saying she died last night.

I found out I have cancer a year ago. I never told anyone and never will, telling them it was just a lipoma. I didn't want to be pitied, you know? Full blown depression and a divorce later, I just want it to take me already. My life was already over before it even began.

>>17550414
What did you do?
I was forced to suck the dick of a 9yo when i was 8yo.
Only this year i realized it was the reason i thought bj were degrading; maybe it had a deeper effect idk.
What i'm saying is how much it affects him depends on what you did.
>>17550423
If those bitches manipulate you to fuck them they can manipulate the cops to fuck you.

I wish I had stabbed my rapist in the neck while I was still a minor.
Now my mother's married him, and I refuse to let her see my children since her decision-making skills are obviously fucked in the head.
I refuse to speak to her until she has his ass thrown in jail. I could do it myself, but then I'll never trust her again. She has to show that she understands how fucked up he is and how much therapy she needs.

Thanks for directly calling me an autist.

Gave me the push I needed to start improving myself, man up and learn how to attract/seduce women.

Shame I consistently fucked things up with you and made everything awkward from the very start, but it was for the best in the long run.

I keep telling mutual friends I'm worried for my recent ex since he won't take care of himself. I can't take care of myself either but can't ask for help.

>>17550605
I'm delusional but initials?

Fuuuuucck

Doesn't it mean something to you that we would stay up until 5am accidentally just talking? Doesn't it mean something how easy it is to talk to eachother? Doesn't it mean something how much we have in common and how close our music taste is? It does to me

>>17550924
None of that means anything unless you can satiate their physical desires

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I quit smoking when I came back from the Middle East. It's been four months. Today I had five cigarettes. I've been feeling so down lately.

>>17550653
You're not her, trust me.

What's done is done anyway, can't salvage it so best to move on and take my lesson from the whole thing. I enjoyed the time we spent together but was too dense to realize she didn't.

I deleted her number so I don't do anything stupid/bother her further.

I feed off your hatred and anger. I feed off your love and tenderness too. Your choice which you want me to be. Everything is your fault. How can you be so fucking fake? When I see you behave like that, you become a stranger. Who are you???
I have my flaws but I wear myself inside out and at least I'm not a fraud like you. I don't know if I love you anymore, even if I do, I don't know if I trust you. They say you can love someone without trusting them but you ALWAYS love someone you trust and I trust him more than you. What does that tell me?...figure it out.

>>17550992
>Your choice which you want me to be
Neither, that's why you're no longer acknowledged

>>17550971
What, not even a hint to crush my delusional hopes? I wish you luck with improving yourself though. Hope the moron I'm thinking of does the same.

>>17551000
lol the situation isn't what you think it is and your reply is very irrelevant to the post. This thread is not made for you to unleash your paranoia. Thanks.

>>17551010
No, it's a thread dedicated to venting, and I replied to something that could be used to vent. Don't get defensive in a venting thread, moron

>>17551004
Why is he a moron?

>>17551015
You're weird

>>17551024
No actually, that's common in threads designed for getting stuff of your chest. You'd know if you weren't too busy defending yourself

>>17551031
:) ok

>>17551004
You could throw out a hint yourself you know

>>17551023
Because he wanted to change for the better (for him and our relationship) but never properly took the steps to do so and many other reasons too. Later realised I was trying to encourage him in the wrong way. You always discover things too late.

>>17551044
Hint: 3

>>17551050
Sorry, you're definitely not her.

We never developed a deep relationship, I just fucked up from the get-go almost.

Thanks to my disability check everyone who made fun of me in the past are now indirectly paying me via their taxes. Feels good man.

Fuckin army of ghosts that walked away with my self esteem

Fuckin sleeping alone in a bed on my parents property with no sign of my past good looks

Fuckin potential others slammed the door in my face like they are standing in line for their chance

Fuckin nothing I feel is in sync with the air around me

Fuck you M

>>17551067
Thanks for confirming I'm still a bit delusional, I'm not even sure if he browses this website anymore. This is going to sound stupid but it's better to quit early and then get fucked over down the road for both parties. Fucker cowardly shattered my heart after years and it is hard.

>>17551080
not my problem.

I shaved my balls and asshairs with my roommates electric face shaver a few times.

I feel bad that I didn't fuck this girl that was all over me at a party.

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I AM WORRIED SICK ABOUT YOU

The state you're in and the things I've heard about you about how you used to be are making me sick with worry. And one of the worst things is not knowing how much of that is true and how much is shitty rumors and conjecture. I can hardly ask you, can I?

What the fuck are you randomly doing in a city 150 miles away? How did you get there? What are you doing? Who are you with? Are you fucking someone? Are you doing hard drugs again? You're a goddamn mess of a person who doesn't have her life together, so why am I not avoiding you instead of wanting to drag you home and tuck you into bed?

I'm still not sure whether or not you're rejected me for good, but if it can't be me, then at least go and make a real effort to get back together with your boyfriend when you guys meet up soon. At least he's a respectable guy and took good care of you despite your arguments.

I'm in love with you, but I also want to be a good friend to you if you don't want anything more. I know I sound preachy as fuck but you need a few more people in your life who aren't shitty deadbeats and a bad influence on you.

I want to help you and be there for you, but you have to let me, N.

You'll leave me eventually. My guard is up.

you're boring, I'm gonna go pay myself a couple thousand dollars and do something not boring.

everyone else, have a good one.

To that few, get the fuck out of my way. I could practically feel that smugness from here but it's pretty premature don't you think? I haven't even gotten started yet.

Reply to my post. I have low self esteem.

>>17551253
The reason this whole thread is here. If you don't like it you don't have to click it. What the fuck do you care?

>>17551265
I'm not being ironic. Hello to you too, I guess. How was your day?

>>17551272
Sorry... As you can probably tell not too well hahah.......

>>17551286
That sucks, anon. Hope you get better. What happened, if you don't mind me asking

steam is literally a gaming facebook

>>17551322
Nothing really horrible worth actually bitching about, but shortly put I'm dissapointed at how I can continiously fuck myself over in intimate situations/relationships.

What about you anon? What brings you here?

I don't know how to make threads on my mobile device

I'm honestly considering giving up on life. My family has abandoned me, I'm left to fend for myself with nowhere else to go, I have a shit job with little pay, I'm a college dropout, I have had no love life, and everything I do in life crumbles in my hands. Just last night I somehow lost my phone and spent all day searching for it, only to come to the conclusion that my body was sore and my phone was gone. Nothing I do goes right. Honestly, all I see in my future is either the military or just me killing myself. I don't know what else to do anymore

I become a monster when I'm heartbroken.

>>17551446
Man that's why we're all here, they never feel the same ;_;

My ex cheated on me and the full weight of it is hitting me now, two months after the breakup. He wouldn't tell me the truth even when I confronted him with concrete proof, nothing I did or said made him budge an inch. I think I avoided facing my feelings about it for so long because I wanted closure from him - I didn't want to be forced to believe myself.

It's so unfair. I gave him everything. I let him get away with things I should have dumped him on the spot for, I loved and cared about him endlessly. There was nothing I wouldn't do for him.

...Yet I still wasn't enough.

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Listen here you fucker. I hope your reading this and I hope you fucking know who you are because you are a person who doesn't think of anyone's interests but yourself. Your scrunched up face is a disgust every time you walk in. I've gotten along with everyone at work but your very presence and your scowl makes me loathe the workplace. You are a fucking sociopath and I hope your start failing your classes so you can find another job that can fit your schedule.

But I digress.

I spent yesterday (Thursday) designing cards for our University's music professors. Today I had to haul a heavy laminator to our fucking office. I then spent two hours trying to figure out how to print fucking card stock on a printer that keeps jamming. Not only that but when I printed out on cardstock ,after playing flip-the-paper-into-the-paper-tray, I went across campus just to cut each individual cards. That took one hour. I came back and I'll give you credit thanks for helping with laminating, but I'm not a fucking spaz to where I need two people to do this shit. After we laminated you had the audacity to suggest scissors. You little fucker. You'd like that wouldn't you? You clearly didn't put hours of thought as to how these cards needed to be. These cards are going to be given to Phds. of Music, they fucking deserve a presentable card. So you followed me across campus (again) a job I didn't need your help with just to cut two sheets of cards. When we got there I asked you very kindly if you could make sure that these cards were not angled and if they could just have a straight border.

"That's gonna be hard to do."

...

What did you mean by "That's gonna be hard to do."? Was I to be like "Oh, okay. Well You're trying. GUESS WHO'S GONNA HAVE TO FIX SHIT IF YOU FUCK THIS UP."

"Please try." Was all I said.

FUCK YOU. You are mentally unstable and I hope that you become infertile so you don't spread your fucking genes into this universe.

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I'm tired of all the anxiety, commands to stay inside and laziness that has kept me from doing what I love for too long. I'm 22 and I've had enough.

Right now, for the first time in a long time, I'm going running. It's nearly 9 and I might get ran over but I'm not going to die a caged inactive animal, I want to die on my feet.

>>17551446
Sorry to hear that. I would give you advice, but my therapist told me to stop helping people out

The internet is my only form of communication at the moment. It's cool to pretend that I can relate to all of these problems and this board never fails.
>>17551566
what

>>17551579
What was your therapist's justification for telling you to stop helping people out?

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Just took my last pill.
Fuck me with a cactus. I have to go find a doctor and make an urgent appt somehow, ASAP.
And hope they'll prescribe something useful and not order more fucking useless tests. God knows how many EMGs i've had already.
But if this attack doesn't let up by tomorrow i'm so fucked. I won't be able to walk even if i do find an appt on such short notice. Fuck.
Better go get some sleep right now. Might be my last few hours for a while.

To be honest though, i don't want to go find a doctor. I want to find a gun, and blow my fucking brains out.
I don't have any reason to keep going through this and any other shit. Haven't felt alright in years now.
I'm going to go fall asleep soon, and i hope to God i don't wake up.
I ain't that lucky though. I'll wake up. Hopefully not screaming in pain, at least.

I'm just so tired. I want to get off this ride.

>>17550405
This one time, I shat myself in public. Later, I found out I have Ulcerative Colitis. Cheers.

>>17551583
That I should focus on myself and that I am in no place to give advice. Kidding, she didn't actually say anything relating to giving advice. I'm just tired af and I read that quote in a book. Those are two good points, regardless

I FEEL STUCK.

I get home from work, I get high and play WoT.
As much as I hate it, I enjoy it too much to do anything else.
And I'm too broke!
My mom went on medical two years ago, but got DENIED. She can't work, so I've been helping out by taking over the car payments, the insurance and helping her out with smaller bills. I have money to enjoy life every once in awhile, but I'm sick of being unable to enjoy myself MORE. There are days I want to abandon all my family and friends and move away.

But the last time I cut someone close out of my life, I developed a mild depression (Which I'm still on zoloft for). I fear just cutting EVERYONE out will lead me to just stop living.

I just hope, HOPE, that mom gets her court day soon, so she can properly be put on medical and I can start affording things i want. And I HOPE that'll lead me to actually doing things, and being happy with my life.

no advice needed, the vent feels good.

I'm terrified of pursuing a new relationship. I've been in two emotionally abusive relationships and I'm terrified I will make the same mistakes again and end up with another one. I mean fuck, how can you love a person so much that you would take a bullet for them only for them to treat you like dog shit I poured every inch of my being into loving you. You never forget that shit. It scars you. Especially when you realize you can't help but still love them despite everything. Fuck you. I tried you to hate you and I couldn't do it. How will I know that another relationship won't be any different?

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>have met the girl I love
>friends with her
>both art majors,so we get into deep discussion topics a lot
>the more I am with her the more I like her, and understand her
>lives solely for her work, feels alienated and so she alienates most of her peers in the process
>desperately desires a friend despite this
>I love her, so I'm here for her
>I can tell that the sheer amount of work, and the prospect of unstable employment, will separate us
>she knows I like her to an extent, doesn't seem to like/understand the social need to... well, desire a connection with someone else, feels there are expectations surrounding it
>I selfishly still want her, her everything, her presence?

>super smart, and very strong willed, she seems to have so much weight on her shoulders already
>I know I'd just burden her more, despite my wanting of a mutual togetherness, to take on the world together, and cry together if need be
>has told me when (usually recently) of how she cries/d in the shower because of all the work load and expectations the staff has of her
>I want to hug her but I don't think I can
>began to suspect that she has a belief that she just isn't worth such a connection, only to realize that maybe I am just not worth of her
>week one of senior year and it already feels like finals, we pulled another all nighter together to get our work done
>finally convince her to sleep and eat
>next day wake up and fine her in the art lab and having already been there for hours and running on only 4 hours of sleep
>she's literally killing her self, knows this, but is so much more capable than me to shrug it off and keep moving forward, I can't keep up with her
>I love her but feel like I am watching her suffer before me, all the while telling me everything will be alright
>wahh

>>17551671
Whoa this girls sounds a lot like someone I used to talk to. Is she 23 and are you two located in Quebec?

>>17551685
No, but I wouldn't surprised that other people of this exact situation exist, it's probably very common and my suffering is most likely eternally futile.

I'm still adjusting to the amount of time I am alone now. I just want to spoon someone, or someone to spoon me, to play with my hair and to just hold and tell me it's gonna be fine.

>>17551671

Sounds like she will burnout and kill herself before she turns 30s. People who are that intense don't do well when life hits them with reality. She needs counselling not a boyfriend.

>>17551743
I'd love to spoon you and play with your hair like i used to. It always seemed like it was as good as boning to you. Its going to be fine at least, spon you soon anon

>>17550414
your disgusting

>>17551128
you shouldn't have done that...buy ingrown hair cream now for those specific areas,
hope you get caught

>>17551564
go to a psychologist and talk about this to them. asap

>>17551813

I'm the anon you responded to, if only I were the person you do spoon

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>>17551838
It's all good

I can't talk to girls. I always end up chocking up my words in a rasp voice sometimes

>>17551588
me to

>>17551852
God, I thought I was the only one. I don't read this thread but decided to read that post when it popped up. WTF?

Wading quietly
past the guarded shores in the deep
I hear your splashing I see the sharks
Circling around as I thrash about
Maybe now you'll finally see
Maybe now you'll finally see,
Past these guarded gates you'll never believe
what you do to them what you do to me.
Effortless, avoidance
devoid of empathy
Apathetic and systemic, the same course every time
I close my aching fists
to hide the shame of the same conflicts
I close my aching fists, I want to hit myself
right in the face, the fucking face.
Bombs destroy, thats all I'll ever do.
I fucked it up I ruined me and you.
Go off in another direction
I said what I said you deserved better
you'll never get to know who I am
you'll never get to know who I really was
but I'll remain
i'll remain closed and protected
hiding in introspection
hidden by false introversion
In the blink of an eye
sometimes I feel like I should die,
just here from sundown to sunrise
repeat the cycle
every time.
repeat the cycle every
fucking
time.

>>17550405
I want to drop everything and just start walking until I drop dead.

>>17551993
raspy voice =/= aspie voice
a lot of girls find it hot in a mysterious way.

>>17552015
made me feel a little better. Thanks anon

>>17552010
In other words I wanted to say but wanted to make a song out of it just because trying new things....

So where I held you was where I held everybody and Its not so much that I destroyed us but that I lost who I was. I don't live for another I remember now I live despite others. I've had my fair share of downs in the past, i blamed it on everything else surrounding me but the breakdown was me coming to terms that its always on me. These lonely days I can finally get real sleep. No longer am I afraid of my own bed, the subway was never comfortable anyways. Bombs are meant to destroy whatever they touch and thats just what I do best, some people just aren't meant to be with some others, I was never meant for you nor for them. I see now my life wasn't being lived for myself but i was building it up for the person I thought I would be. Low and behold, that person is the devil and there's no sympathy for him. Everybody dies one day so live it up for the now, so strung out yet so tightly bound. I'm caught in a riptied two directions but the balance keeps me right here in the middle ready to be torn in half by the demons. I sacrificed it all in a quick decision. There's no longer a point in me hiding my self and my fears. I remember how much better it felt knowing there wasn't somebody else melting because I wasn't there. I'm not a savior nor a saint, save your prayers i'll be gone sooner than later.


I really need to play with this one but i usually just keep em and forget they exist. Meh.

Life finally feels like it's getting better. I finally feel like I'm capable of moving on, and moving forward.

The doubling of my dosage probably helped.

>was in a great band at the end of high school
>doing well, got a decent job until i knew what i truly wanted to do with my life
>depression slapped me hard out of nowhere
>things went downhill fairly quickly
>began sobbing randomly, uncontrollably
>knew there was no reason to be depressed, which made it worse
>meds gave me really strange side effects
>band fell apart, best friend ended up hating me due to huge misunderstanding, maybe just looking for an excuse
>quit job, eventually went on disability
>gained tons of weight
>friends all drifted away
>all the while still living at home taking care of an autistic sister who is as mean as she is dangerous
>constantly told im a good person for doing what i am doing, but its not enough to help with crippling depression

>eventually decide to lose weight (125lbs so far), get off depression meds
>sibling sent to residential treatment center for a long while, now want to get out on my own
>realize i have essentially a 7 year gap in work history, no real education beyond high school
>scared shitless about how I will be able to pull myself out of this rut and move on with life
>still socially isolated, literally no friends to speak of, wonder if they all even remember who I am, seems so long ago

I keep on pushing forward, but I fear I will eventually lose steam and fail.

>>17550405
I think she fucked my brother before we met. She's really awesome otherwise, but just the thought of her being with him bothers me so much. Someone help me pls.

I really like them for some reason even though I don't want to. They're pretty much my best friend. But they're just not attracted to me and they want to find a man. And I really want to be supportive and I am all for them getting to explore their sexuality. But it bums me out for obvious reasons. I'm really confused because I'm not attracted to them, either, but it doesn't matter to me at all. I just really like them as a person so I want to be with them. I want to get rid of these feelings somehow, I don't like having them.

>>17550949
Not to me, anon :(

>>17550924

I know these feels

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Just fapped to ageplay audio

leddit might actually be better than this place

I'm a giant asshole

>>17552235
YOU WERE THE CHOSEN ONE
YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO DEAFEAT CANCER NOT JOIN IT

>>17552088
Nope, not worth buddy.
There's aIways another one out there, one that hasn't been fucked by your brother.

>>17551941
Haha...go buy the creams, now...!

Holy shit, I'm black, but I goddamn fucking can't stand 90% of black customers. It's embarrassing and rage-inducing.

Fuck retail and fast-food and shout out to anyone who's suffering through that hell right now.

For the first time ever in my life i told a girl how much i like her and how her smiles makes me go dumb, and she didn't tell me im shit or tried to avoid me

She just told me that she is busy and not used to going out with people,then i continued with my chessy declaration and she giggled a bit while she said that i got the right attitude and that im making her feel,

usually she is very quiet and introverted but after that she became the most playful i have ever seen her,

I know she doesnt like me in the same way i like her, but seeing her react like that made me so hapoy that i almost cried tears if joy

Cool maybe if you two hangout enough both of your periods will sync up.

>>17552288
Why exactly?

My nigga, i would invite you a couple of beers, dont ask me why though, but i do.

my balls are too small

Feel like I've already lost my fucking mind. I don't give a fuck about life anymore. I really don't know, I feel like I'm wearing 1,000 masks and I can't tell what my real feelings are. I wanna fucking shoot my brains into a wall.

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Cassie I want to be with you... But I don't know why. I've only known you a short time really. I mean I met you in middle school but we have hardly ever talked. But I find myself unable to think of anything besides you. Always you. I want to stay up all night talking. I want to hear you laugh. I want to feel you rest your head on my shoulder. I want to be there for you when you're sad. I want to watch the stars and moon with you. I want to go on late night walks with you. I want to go get ice cream in summer, coffee in winter. I want to sit with you at a campfire. I want to walk down the street holding your hand.

I want to feel loved by you...

Last night I made 2 posts about this girl who I previously had a crush on messaging me after like no contact for months, and then asking one of my friends about me when she ran into him.

I was freaking out cause I had no idea what it meant and I knew nothing would happen when I saw her today.

The first thing she did is hug me and say, "Omg I missed you, I haven't seen you since break!", and the rest of the time I saw her glancing at me occasionally but that's just it.

I didn't talk much other than that, and for some reason, I feel like shit after. I don't know, maybe I was expecting to talk to her more, but instead of that I just felt like an acquaintance or "friend" to her. It's weird, and for some reason I feel kinda bad. I mean she rejected me and all, so I don't know what my body or feelings were expecting, I know my brain was saying that this would happen (which is what did happen.)

I just... I dunno. I'm disappointed because she's not the girl I met and had a crush on. She's not the girl I thought she was. When I first met her, we had a lot in common - she was an interesting, smart, hard-working girl who didn't party/drink etc and found fun through video games. Second semester things went downhill. She met new friends, she became a bit more "out-going", and towards the end she went to parties.

Break she started going to parties all the time, met more people and now she drinks at them too.

It's petty for me to be upset that someone drinks/parties, but I just never got into that stuff and I guess I took her for a different person. I'm not interested in those types of girls.

I'm just a bit disappointed about tonight. I guess I expected me to talk to her more and for her not to leave an hour in because her other party friends needed her.

God, and to think I thought to myself that this girl was the "girl of my dreams." I feel like such an idiot.

I just started dating the girl I really like on August 28th. I'm 20, and my previous two relationships were short lived. The first was due to the girl's mom forcing us to break up, and the second was because the girl didn't have feelings for me. For the first one, I got attached really easily and went way too fast with her. My friends have also told me I get attached too easily. I want this current relationship to last for a while. How do I make this workand not get too attached? If anyone could help me, I'd really appreciate it.

I'm just so fucking tired of not being able to reach the potential I know I'm capable of, to not being able to be the awesome guy I know I can be for myself and others. Idk if it's cuz I'm depressed (even that I'm not so sure) or if just I'm a lazy pos. But I'm tired and I just hope a fucking excuse forced me to do all that stuff without any other choice to keep running away from it.

>>17550992
You sound like a bitch

What a curious conversation

>>17551158
Man its a lost cause. Trust me, she doesn't want you. You cannot help.

>>17551482
Military bro.

I saw someone i nearly had a fling with and all it did was confirm i only want you.

J, I've got it so bad for you, you don't even know. I hope you'll go out with me tomorrow, and if you're busy, then next weekend, because i see you in a serious way.

M

>>17550924
I'm sure it does. I know because I'm in a scary similar place and if I could do more to show it matters, I would in a heartbeat

I miss you. Sorry about what I said. Please come back. I wish none of this had ever happened. I'd rather not exist than exist without you.

>>17551080
Hey, i fucking tried. You shot me down, remember?

>>17552602

You wanted me to come out tomorrow?

/spoiler didn't you want me to come out Friday as well?

A
You're such a brat.
I was totally fine with mediocrity until you showed up.
Why do you waste your time with me? >.<

I wish I could actually talk to people like by managers/college professors without seeming so mild and weak. I barely have any sort of notable presence at these places and tend to try my best to get along with others and what not to not cause any trouble, but I feel very much like a doormat when it comes for me to actually stand up and say something and I wish I knew how to change that.

I just felt jealousy for the first time. Well, not sure if it's jealousy or envy. I never could figure out the difference. I don't begrudge either of them. Bu my chest hurts, because I've always wanted him to hold me like that. But it wasn't to be... Fuck it hurts.

>>17552602
...this sounds like it could be relevant to me... Last initials?

>>17552657
Jealousy is a really unappealing emotion, so I can totally relate. The feeling, personally, ticks me off more than it hurts, though. Take your mind off it, I guess. I just wait for it to pass each time, but depending on your circumstances and how you react it may not pass very quickly

>>17552666
I think that the loneliness adds to the pain. Because we'd always lean on each other, but now he has someone else to do that for him... and I'm not sure there's room in his life for me anymore. I want him to be happy, and if that means walking a different path from me, I wish him well. I just feel like my nice cozy blanket got snatched away.
Yup, I'm being a whiny prat about this.
Thanks for the advice, Anon. I'll go bury myself in work and studying again.

Without going into too much relevant detail, both of my parents are in separate ICU's right now. It's been tough, but I'm mostly making it, but the biggest problem I face is one I feel like I can't broach.

Everybody suffers, and everybody likes to be soothed. Our moms kiss our booboos when we're kids, but being a single adult and going through horseshit is the absolute worst when you haven't got somebody to physically soothe you.

It's psychology. It happens at funerals. Times of great sadness make people want to fuck. But I can't just come out publicly and be like "hey I feel like garbage could somebody come over and netflix and chill with me so I can feel something other than anxiety and crushing loneliness?". It's pushy. It's thirsty. Add to that that one night stand situations give me a really awful feeling afterwards, and that rules out asking randoms.

I'm at a loss for what to do. I just want somebody to rub me and kiss me and tell me things are fine.

>>17551671
Damn, that hit home.
Remember that people like that don't work that much because we have to, we do it because we don't really have anything else.
When I'm not working, all i do is pace around thinking of how to kill myself.
So I spend as much time working as possible. When i run out of uni work i make up my own. Was actually thinking of going back to running maintainer for an open-source project i used to work on, just for more work to do.

I'm a man though, so what i don't know is the feel of anyone giving a flying shit about me.
Could put a bullet through my head tomorrow, nobody would notice. I'm expendable.

For what it's worth, i hope she understands what she means to you someday.

My sister and I had committed an incestuous relationship when I was 13 and she was 16.
Continued for about 6 years until she got herself a job.

My family life was a lot more fucked up then I ever realized while I was growing up with them. My mom was bipolar and had episodes 2-3 months out of every year and was violent and abusive. My dad left the house every time she had an episode. I was so scared, every time.
But what was most damaging is my parents` behavior when she wasn't having episodes. They never talked to me or my brother about her bipolar, how we felt, what we were going through. It was just there and we were miserable and then it was gone and they were completely emotionally absent, except for when they were pressuring us for good grades. But for them, being "the best in class" and having straight A's was 'acceptable', everything else was subpar. Then they stopped checking my grades entirely after they gave up on my older brother (after he failed a class freshman year of high school).

So yeah, I grew up 'gifted' in elementary school and my classmates called me 'genius' in high school, constantly told me I should stop being lazy because I was so smart that I'd be limitless if I put in effort. And I believed it, that I could be someone great if I put my mind to things, which turned to self-loathing when I chose to do nothing.

But I wasn't a lazy genius. I was a damaged, horrified, lonely kid, and the depth of my intelligence didn't hold a candle to the depth of the pain I'd normalized. I really needed someone to see that. I wish I understood what was going on with me and talked to someone. I can't stop thinking about the opportunities I missed out on, the things I could have done, people I could have loved, life I could have built if I'd repaired myself first.

I resent my family for their treatment of my and my brother's childhood, and I resent myself for not acting when I could. But that resentment is a product of pain. I'm hurting, always. I've healed before, taken care of myself, and for one reason or another the wounds have reopened. And I let them stay that way.

I am so sick I had to go to the hospital yesterday because I couldn't breathe for myself. On top of that I found out I could have serious brain issues. I'm currently bedridden which pisses me off to no end because I'm a highly active person. And my bestfriend messages me saying she has boy troubles, I asked her what was up and she said she didn't want to talk about it over messenger. I told her I couldn't come up because of the aforementioned reasons and she didn't give a single fuck. It pisses me off, I'm a complete push over. I do EVERYTHING for her, and the one time I actually have something wrong it's given no regard what so ever.

>>17552770
Wow, I'm really sorry you had to go through that. Because of your level of intelligence it must make it so much harder for you. If you were a fool, you'd be angry and move on. As you're observant and use your brain for the magnificent power house it is, the wounds are so much deeper.
I hope you can sort this out.
Much love.

>>17551558
Literally in that same situation right now. It sucks. I feel so physically sick. I can't sleep at night anymore.

For the past 7 years or so, I've befriended a number of ugly girls and fat girls that I'm completely unattracted to for the sake of receiving some validation.

I'm not even an asshole to them or anything. I genuinely try to be nice, and I do like parts of their personalities.

And you can easily tell in their body language or the indirect comments they make they really get to like me sometimes.

One of them, who's always happy to meet up and do things, even sent me some messages saying "you're so hot", "you're so handsome" and shit like that one time my (...acted...) flirting got out of hand. Another wrote a love poem to me one time (and has been sending me all sorts of random gifts over snail mail for fun, far more than what I've been sending to her).

I feel like those girls on Tinder who're there just to see guys sending them messages.

And the best part: I'm a virgin at 25 and have never had a girlfriend. Too insecure to talk to girls I actually like.

Yes, I realize I'm probably rather insane.

>>17552529
This is coming from a 20 year old female that continuously has people fall for me and as soon as they do, I just fuck off. So I am probably not very well equipped to give a good opinion.

If you want a relationship to last:
Keep things fresh and interesting
Do things with her
Don't do the whole jealous bullshit if she hangs out with a guy
Give her space but not so much that she thinks you don't care
Don't talk about your previous relationships, this is a fresh start, don't bring up the past
Don't start treating her differently now that you've got her, act like the chase is still on.
Small surprises mean so much more than a big fancy expensive date, it's the little things that matter most.
Do what feels right

>>17550423
I go to college (in Australia that's ages 16-18) I'm a 20 year old female and a student, most people think I'm 17, even the people who know say "our age" "when you're 18" etc.
Point is there's some teachers there I would really love to fuck and I've already fucked a number of students as well (which is hot as hell because it's so taboo).
If I had the opportunity to fuck a hot teacher on campus I would totally take it.
I'd say it's worth it.

>>17552803
I really appreciate the kind words, I could definitely use the sentiment going forward.
I'm on treatment for clinical depression and ADHD, going to talk to my therapist about potential PTSD soon.
Going to a good college for a subject I care about, too. I'm not that good at it and it's pretty difficult to pursue a career in even if you're excellent, but I can't see myself doing anything else. And I'm taking (another) extra year so I'm not overwhelmed by the course load.

>>17552242
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zt0UuNpUqK4

Don't lecture me, Obi-Wan! I see through the lies of the Jedi. I do not fear the dark side as you do. I have brought peace, freedom, justice, and security to my new Empire!

>>17551092
Yeah i know, you have your own issues. My M doesnt even know how to keep a fast food job.

You're going to get tired of it soon, I'm inadvertently pushing you away.

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Jojo's Bizarre adventure is bloody amazing.

>>17551128
This is why I lock stuff I don't want to be touched in my room

I feel like my partner is going off me. I feel like she doesn't like spending time with me and although she does say she loves me from time to time, she is very reluctant to show affection towards me. I don't want it all the time but just a little would be nice.

I just want everything to be okay. Maybe I'm just over analyzing things.

>>17552961
Who is this for?

I sucked a guy off while I had a cold sore and didn't know it. Not going to mention it to him unless it comes up. He's really cool though, so I kind of feel bad about it.

>>17551572
Way to go! Keep at it :)

I'm actually gay

>>17552996
Sounds like she is going off you. Or maybe she has something going on in her life that you don't know about.

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>go to hook up with girl
>anxiety kills my boner, tell her I just wasnt feelin it and im tired and stuff
>promise her that i'll come back again and give her a proper dicking
>go back today
>boner still doesnt go up
>I have ED at age 21
>make up some bullshit story about how I was using heroin and I recently quit and I didnt want to tell her
>say that the withdrawals are killing my libido
>she believes me and cuddles me and feels bad for me
>i pretend to be guilty and craft a magnificent story that almost brings her to tears
>leave

I feel like shit. Not only am i incapable of having sex, but I just told one of the biggest lies of my life.

Why am I like this?

>tfw no medical insurance to get a perscription for viagra

>>17553033
Hahaha oh fuck... that must suck.
So is it legitimately your anxiety killing your boner? Like is she really hot and you really wanna do it but you just can't because you're too anxious?

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>>17553041
Exactly. She's young, fit, big ass, bangin in just about every way possible. I know she's attractive, but my huge depression/anxiety prevents me from getting hard at all. Maybe I have low testosterone? I don't know.

This isn't the only girl that this has happened with. I'm not a virgin but every time I've tried to fuck in the past year, i can't get hard. And i'm fucking 21.

hey normies eat a bag of dicks if youre pissed that someone is acting withdrawn or ignoring/avoiding you. youre not that interesting okay?

>>17552526
The only thing that makes you an idiot us that you didn't go with her to all of those parties, you could have had a lot of fun with her and met new friends

>>17552581

Not a chance, anon. I won't give up just yet. It's the strongest I've ever felt for someone, even though she's one of the worst possible choices.

It's only been two (shitty and turbulent) months since I've truly gotten caught up in her life. It's not like she's a full-blown junkie, I'm just scared of her slipping into old habits after her breakup with a guy who kept her from the shittiest chemicals and people.

If I'm truly not wanted then I'll have to face that eventually but right now there's so many directions this can go in. My hope is that she's grown a bit (we're both 27) and has learned something from the past few cleaner years.

I'll see this to the end of this year at least. See if she at least straightens up enough to get her license and a new job.

My grandma died.
I've been taking care of her for the last 4 years.
I just got my life back and I don't know what the fuck I should do with it.

>>17553165
College

>>17553195
I started to study to become a doctor before she got sick.
I am 23 now, I don't know if I should get back to university. I will finish my degree very late.
I have the economical means and I absolutely love it, but still.

When I see you on the street I like what I see so much, I love our common ground, the place we are, I love how you can keep me up all night. I love the thought of sharing a trip out together, or just a walk down the road. I love you

>>17553209

What's very late? If you don't really know what else to do, what does it matter if it takes a while. It's still a respectable career with good salary, so if you do it you'll be miles ahead most people in life.

>>17553229
I need 5 years of university and 3 years of internship. So I will be 31 when I can start working for real.
Which is pretty fucking old.

>>17553046
Get your hands on some kind of anxiolytic

I've met my husband

>>17552638
I'm lost.
>>17552661
I feel generous. C is mine.

I am so fucking sick of being alone I can't stand it.

Girls will notice me and initiate conversation with me or be eyeballing me from across the room but I'm too big of a pussy to go talk to them or afraid I won't have anything to talk about.

The ones I do talk to end up either ignoring me after we exchange numbers or never confirm plans.

I resorted to asking female friends out who all rejected me and I pretty much just end those friendships right then and there.

I can't take it anymore and I feel like the depression and anxiety of seeing everyone around me get in and out of relationships is becoming unbearable.

>>17553390
>Girls will notice me and initiate conversation with me or be eyeballing me from across the room but I'm too big of a pussy to go talk to them or afraid I won't have anything to talk about.
If they're into you, remember that you have a HUGE buffer for this. People who are attracted to you will tolerate 3 to 4 times the amount of awkward silence in conversation, in my experience.
If they're really, really into you, you can get away with conversations that are more silence than words

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For the last month or so, a large group of little shits between 13-16 or so have decided to spent their afternoons at my doorstep. They are noisy, they litter, the smoke of their joints gets in the house and they disrespect my elderly blind mother. Calling the police is not really an option since by the time they arrive they are long gone.

What can I do to make them go away? I need ideas because nothing "regular" seems to work.

Maybe they'll be gone in a week or two, when their vacation ends, but I prefer to be ready if this situation persist.

>>17552526
There's no true perfect soulmate anon. Girls of your dreams will always only be that, of your dreams...

I hate myself.
I'm addicted to porn
Addicted to cigs
On the internet 14 hours a day
I've been in this cycle of trying to change and then slipping back into old habits for so long. It feels like I can never break the cycle. I try and try and just fail in the same way every time. How can I expect this time to be different. I know what is wrong with me, I know how to fix it, but I can't bring myself to do it. Why bother even trying anymore? No amount of reflection will make me realise something I don't already know. I know what to do and can't do it.
Why can I only swim when my lungs are full of water?
I just want to change

Another saturday and nothing to do in this town as usual, want to talk to girls but they are either underage or taken, no drive to get a job, feeling lonely.

>>17553005
You're disgusting, go to a doctor and tell the guy...

>>17553573
Better change your habits one by one, because that's easier. We need about 3 weeks to do so, thus keep going and hang in there bro ;)

>>17553671
>go to the doctor for a cold sore
And tell them what? Most people have the cold sore virus (over 70% of the population), and it's not like you can do anything about it. I got mine as a kid and it just sort of stays in your body.
I want kids to go back to school already.

bitch fuck you, you rude, i don't care if u done read the 48 laws of power, people can tell you to fuck off, you're not the president, fuck off

そんな繋がり出来ちゃったよな。だって俺のせいでもう壊しているかなぁ…小菅ともっといい関係に直すといいね。どうしても応援し続けているからさ…まあ、連絡取ってくれるかわかんないけど、もう一回ように願ってます。

夕方だっけ?早く寝るんだよ。明日は休みかもしれないけど、いつも疲れたね。眠ってほら。もしもよかったら後で勝手にメッセージして。こっちはすごく心配したり、気になったりしてるからだ。

お願いします

No one likes me. At first I was all "I'm just a lone wolf" but now... fucking everything hates me. No matter what I do in any social situation it always ends in not just one person hating me, but an entire group.

I don't get it. I don't say anything bad. In fact, almost every time it's because someone else is being a cunt. For example, I'm just discussing work stuff (where I'm a known expert) and I'm saying my admittedly strong opinion but doing so in a calm collected manner. I'm explaining my logic, sources, and referencing well respected masters in the field that are known to support what I'm saying. One girl get's pissy that I am stating my opinion as "fact" and I'm too arrogant. I tell her "I don't know where you are getting that from. You don't have to say "In my opinion" every time you claim to like or dislike an idea. The fact it's coming from my mouth means it's my opinion. As well, you have not actually addressed any of my ideas and instead keep repeating unsubstantiated claims. You need to use facts in support of your opinion to give it worth and aid discussion." She just get's angrier.

Another girl get's huffy and leaves while saying "You clearly don't know anything about this topic or work so talking anymore is a waste of my time". (she too has not actually used any sort of empirical or theory to support anything she has said) To me, that's an extremely cuntish remark so I ask her "Are you serious with that statement? You have to be ignorant or stupid to say that about me.". Now everyone loses their god damn minds. "DUDE WHAT THE FUCK". "COME ON MAN YOU DON'T CALL A WOMAN STUPID" "UNCALLED FOR MAN".

I'm just sitting there like... what the fuck? The bitch just dismissed and belittled me for no god damn reason and calling her out makes me the bad guy?

>>17554012
(continued...)

This is seriously my entire life. No matter what I am the bad guy and everyone hates me. It's not even just at work but everywhere.

Even in fucking video games everyone fucking hates me. No matter what I somehow always end up choosing the option in games like witcher 3, fallout, morrowind, mass effect, whatever that ends in me slaughtering the entire fucking community. I do not UNDERSTAND WHY EVERYTHING HATES ME

I'm an outsider so I try to get along with the weirdos. The fucking weirdos end up hating me. I'm an outcast of outcasts for fuck sake.

Even those shit facebook quizzes know that everyone hates me and I will forever live alone in a dark room. I take one of those god damn "which stranger things character are you" and I get the monster, THE MONSTER.

I just recently got into my first relationship, moving across the country to be together and living here for a few months now. I love it and consider myself a straight guy, but I can't stop watching solo guy porn, cumshot compilations, and all I want to do is suck a dick. I'm not attracted to guys but I want to give one head. I just want to try it once... I don't know what to do.

Gf mod

When I was 19, I had to have my tonsils removed. Shortly after I left for college, I started getting severely sick every few days: fever, fatigue, sore throat, aching joints and sinus problems.

When they went to get the things out, they were black and rotting. They didn't even look like tonsils anymore, they had lost their shape.

Four years later at 23, I still get sick. It's less frequent and it's less severe, but no one can help me. I've been to half a dozen doctors and no one can figure out what's wrong.

>>17554021

Usually if everyone considers you an asshole, you are an asshole.

>>17554148

Not gonna lie, I second this

I wish I wasn't such a beta bitch so I could have manned up and asked you to hang out fuuuuck.

I guess I was scared of getting rejected while still seeing you at work and I'm sure you probably have a bf since you're way out of my league physically + you're too damn nice as a person.

But now I'm sure you have quit because I haven't seen you around in several weeks now but I'll probably never know for sure since we are in different departments

Also fuck you for talking about tabletop and beach house within earshot of me, I feel like you were baiting

>>17554148
That example I gave is exactly what happened. So tell me, if you were sitting around with other successful and well known peers discussing your field and someone claims you don't know anything about your career and that they are so much better and knowledgeable than you that you simply aren't worth their breath when the entire time their claims have made no sense nor have they provided any sort of evidence to support their claims... you would just sit there and take it?

Seriously, when has defending yourself against an insult made you the bad guy? How is pointing out a personal attack by saying that bitch was either 1. Ignorant of you, your work, the evidence you've supplied, and the extremely skilled masters that would have your back in this argument or 2. she was being stupid, ignoring reason, and claiming you don't know what you're talking about not because your ideas lack support but because your ideas simply disagree with theirs.

They didn't just bow out by saying "Well we can just agree to disagree". No, instead they had to make sure they belittled me. Now, after I said the "stupid or ignorant" bit if she actually dropped some Hiroshima level knowledge bombs on me in order to support her claims of my ignorance and worth I would have been the asshole there. But no...that didn't happen at-fucking-all.

And again.. here we are with two anon's claiming I'm the asshole while ignoring what I said and assuming more than they could possibly know. Now, if you want to make an argument how I was the asshole in that story then go ahead, convince me.

Until then it's just people ignoring what I've said and jumping to conclusions. Just... why? Why do that?

>>17554270

You're right, I jumped to a conclusion. I was the second Anon and I didn't completely read it and saw that reply. Sorry

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Contrary to pic related, I'm just so okay with being single. This freedom, this...Lack of someone to disappoint you. It's simply marvelous.
I'm by no means alone, mind you. My social life is thriving and I've been recently disappointed by my former significant other, along with prospect lovers. Now they are all gone and I'm free to do as I fucking please. Rejoice, myself.

>>17554270
The most annoying part is that I can admit I am wrong if supplied with convincing information. That's all I ask in a discussion is to back up a claim with some solid fucking logic or empirical evidence.

So many people call me an asshole because I asked for them to show me their source. They instantly ASSUME I'm asking because I don't believe them or think I'm calling them a liar. Most of the time it's because I just want to learn something new. If someone tells me that there is some hard evidence support space monkeys from venus I'm gonna want to see that shit.

The burden of proof is on the person making the claim. How do people get so fucking offended by this?

I feel like one of my missions in life is to be a mom. I've always had that protective and caring mother-like sense to little kids/babies, and I am low key somewhat like that to close friends. I like the idea of one day having two little beans running around, and teaching them stuff.

i wish i knew how to keep conversations going without sounding stupid.

I'm wasting my life

>>17554283
See, I respect this. I'm like you too anon, I am not afraid to admit when I'm mistaken.

Like... people get so fucking defensive most of the time. A person unable to recognize they were wrong is going to be one dumb motherfucker.

But again... that doesn't mean someone has to bend to the will of another's ideas solely because they say so. There's gotta be some strong evidence first. There is a difference between an opinion and an educated opinion.

The most annoying shit in the world is when someone defends their shit with "well that's just my opinion." It's like yeah? How the fuck did you come to that conclusion?

>>17554324
>>17554290
I realize I said annoying a lot here.

I just... I get shit on so often. I love talking about my field of work and I am extremely passionate about it.

>>17554312
same. Feels bad. I don't think it will last forever though. I don't think I could be one of those people who just works at walmart until they're 65.

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yes please

>>17554312
me too dont know what to do with it

>>17554324
Hm, you do think like me. I do think the kind of people who can't admit that they are ever wrong are the worst kind. We learn from our mistakes. and yes, it's good to have evidence with opinions because then you have like solid ground. I can be one stubborn motherfucker, but I am never afraid to admit that I was wrong

>>17554366
Suck a bag of dicks

>>17554383
yeah.... no thanks, wouldn't wanna take up your hobby.

>>17554402
What a retort
Reddit is going to be proud of you for that one

>>17554366
I just want to be happy and I have no clue what will make that possible.

I left you a letter confessing feelings I've never confessed even felt before. Sure, it was stupid and maybe it would be made great lyrics or something to laugh at. All you could do was say that you had to finish with statistics.
What the fuck dude? I dont think I could ever talk to you again.
Lord knows how you've affected this idiot.

>>17554432
and all you could come up with is a Reddit insult!
Lame XD

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I should have picked you, S.

You were older than me sure, by ALOT.
Yet you were nothing but madly in love with me. You really did care about me and were willing to be the second lady for awhile but it hurt me knowing you loved me so when i thought i loved the girl ive now been with for 4 years (i was cheating with you for 2).

I sometimes pass your office with my hand holding another and i get a pang of guilt for being such a coward and ignoring your calls and plea's to be with me.

Oh, the sex you gave was much more amazing than with my girlfriend too.

I spend alot of time debating if i should have stayed with you and wondering if you'd have me back (I think you would, you were literally insane for me) though I know it would only be if H died or cheated on me or left me.

I worry about you too and want to check your ok because you seemed suicidal when i said it was over... I cant check though because it might hurt you thinking im coming back to you.

This is a self inflicted torture and im trying to forget you, you sexy MILF.

I feel like such shit for leaving behind a couple of drunk friends when we got caught drinking on a field by a security guard.

I want to be braver that that next time.

>>17554364
It's not that hard. Zoloft helps.

>>17554107
Autofellatio. Apparently it feels more like sucking a dick than it does getting your dick sucked. That way you can find out whether or not you actually enjoy it, and if not, you learned a valuable skill.

>>17550405
soundgasm is my new gf

thank you lord kek

>>17554439
same, i work and work for nothing. i never get ahead on anything because shitty things happen and put me back where i started. its like a loop that plays over and over again year after year.

I'm just done. I'm done looking for him here. I'm done waiting for him to ask how I'm doing. I'm done reaching out. I'm just- done. With all of it.

>>17554639
You were looking for a person on an anonymous mouse licking collective?

>>17554639
Maybe he doesn't come here anymore. Many of us shouldn't.
Reach out, don't let pride bite you. It hurts more in the long run.
From experience.

>>17554676
For all we know it's a really cunty guy and OP needs to move on

>>17554021
What is your field of work?

>>17553046
Are you able to get hard if you're just whacking one out?

I have felt as if I'm just watching my life unfold in front of me without actually participating for a few years now. I feel disconnected from my friends. I just find social interaction an irritation now. If we're talking on a scale of 1-10, I haven't felt higher than a 5 in terms of my overall mood this entire time and I don't feel like there's a future for me. I have no plans for the future and can't visualise a future for myself. I wish desperately to die but I stay alive as I am obligated to live for my family. I am existing but I have no lived.

I'm so tired and I feel like hell, or I would have texted you by now, I think. I don't know what it is, I don't like to do this shit over the phone. I'd rather ask you out in person, again, and I'd rather go get dinner, this time. Fuck, I'm going crazy over this. How the hell did I end up liking you this much? I thought it was just going to be a flirtationship. I never realized it'd go this far. Now that it has, I don't want to stop. I don't want to let go.

I wish I could stop being so stupidly afraid and just text you for your plans tonight, but man, I feel like hell.

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>find my highschool crush browsing fetlife
>her account lists polyamory as a fetish two years ago
>shes married now

I'm going to go for it

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Wq-ku3AwTA

I kind of want to see you again, just so I can show and tell you how I've risen above you destroying my life. I've grown stronger than you know, than you will ever know, and I'm not seeking to destroy you, but if it happens, it will be a happy coincidence.

I thought I could trust you. I wish I could forgive you, but I still haven't forgiven myself, and I'm scared I will never be able to. I think forgiveness starts with acceptance, and I haven't accepted that this really fucking happened to me. I can't fucking stand you for this, and I tried to forget, but I never will.

How dare you. How fucking dare you. Where you're going, there's no sympathy.

>>17554012
Would you mind answering a few questions anon?

1. What exactly is your field of expertise in?

2. Are you a fedora level atheist?

3. Have you considered perhaps that you come across as abrasive or intimidating?

Understand I am not passing judgement, but people may assume you have a "know it all", type of personality. Especially, if you tend to speak academically in casual conversation. I understand you want to discuss topics of interest with peers, but sometimes having a debate is not necessary. The point being sometimes it is better to just listen, and then be the "bigger" person by saying- well, we will just have to agree to disagree and leave it at that. No need to provide citations or references at that point from other masters in the field that people probably assume you idolize.

Basically, try small talk at first. A couple of examples being- what did you do this weekend, have read any non-work related books lately, or a simple how are you today? Find common ground first to relate to with strangers. acquaintances, and co-workers on a human level, and then you will form better social bonds with individuals.

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>>17554876
>tfw she's not actually married yet
>tfw she asked me out on a date to get coffee

MY LIFE IS AMAZING

>>17554012
>>17554021
Consider keeping your big damn mouth shut more often.
It works great for me.
Everyone likes me now!

>>17554795
I understand, anon. Same spot here.
Only thing i look forward to is reaching the end someday.
I don't understand why anyone's afraid of death. Do they really want to live forever?
The merciful thing about life is that eventually, it ends.

>>17554876

So you did end up going to fet life or whatever that kink website was?

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>>17554953
Yeah I did, thats where I found her and we instantly reconnected

Her smile is so cute she melts my heart FUCK

IM GONNA MAKE IT BRAHS

WITNESS ME!

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>>17554965

I remember what you told me you liked. I hope she fufills your desires, Godspeed

>>17554886
wtf happened?

>>17550446
you're fine. the worst is the days before. once you actually get to the hospital, you'll have enough time to calm down. afterwards you'll be on happy-drugs & it's all leanin recovery.

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>>17554969
Even if she doesn't peg me I'll get the chance to finally kiss a girl I liked when I was 15 thus moving me closer back to the world line where my fate is to what it should have been

THIS IS THE POWER OF THE READING STEINER

>>17555019

Ooorrrr you get kissed and pegged. I feel like I'm watching a positive turning point someone's life

>>17553937
You gave a guy gential herpes....did he use a condom.....

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>>17555025

I have perfected the ultimately form of alchemy and mastered life itself

Every sacrifice was worth this knowledge I now have

>>17555066
*ULTIMATE

>>17555066
Itshappening.gif

Why do we have tripfags?

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>>17555081

I can't even describe how it feels to know your life's work has been successful

>>17552609
Why don't you?

>>17555105

I imagine it's the best feeling, so when do you plan to go out on a date?

>>17552160
Why didn't i start talking to you in June instead of her?

>>17555119
Probably this Thursday, but since she asked me first pretty much whenever I want her

I think I hit my neighbors dog today

I try to act like not having friends isn't important and I'm just too cool/intelligent for most people, but I know that's a load of crap. My therapist tells me I can't make friends without putting myself out there, and I know that, but at this point it's almost impossible. And it's not like I haven't tried. I've lost weight, try to dress well, shower and shave every day, and just generally try to be open, but it's impossible. I just have to accept that the problem is with me, not other people. Even the hipster/English major crowd won't accept me. The only upside is that I have an uncanny ability to get professors to like me. I guess it's a combination of the fact that I generally do pretty well in class and don't interact with anyone. It's basically pity, but I'll take what I can get. There really is no better feeling in the world than when I receive approval from authority figures, though. I can't even put into words how sweet it feels when I do well on a test/essay or a professor is impressed by something I do. At least I have that.

>friends make me feel like shit
>one friend has it out for me in particular
>other friends let him do what he wants

How do I make new friends?

I've gotten closer with my male coworkers by playing video games with them, and now I fantasize about them gangbanging me.

>>17550423
Man it's your job, don't be tempted by jailbait. Report their behaviour if you think its too inappropriate.

being homeless in cali is pretty shitty

uni changed my old friends, and i didnt change enough to make new ones.

Even though you guys are the ones that left me
>I'll wait. Forever if I have to...

i feel invisible and all my life ive convinced myself i watned that but now more than ever i just want friends

>>17553564
threaten them with a gun
be scary

>>17552427
i vibe with this

Open fire on the words you trust, flicker in the flame it all returns to dust. I think I'm falling further but then I hear your name and I lose my thrust. I cannot withstand the hammer of time. Burn a mother fucking hole through my chest so I'm looking my best. Kindle a flame, it'll all end the same, start it red end it blue I'll prove it to you. Fame and fortune continue to elude, presume the silence as content portray the facts as evidence. Convince me so I can preserve you we'll never see it eye to eye the lies were always true. Hear me out, shout it out, pray to me I'm the lord and creator. Save me for I am the savoir. Jade the toughest color, propane light a match. Burn a hole through my head, color it black and tell me I'm dead. Burn my house to the ground and I remember your face. Tear it down don't remember to smash everything to the ground. I'll scream it till im red in the face, I fear your name. Burn it down. Burn it down, burn it all down. I'll paint it red and we'll call our love dead.

I just took some of those symptom checkers, all said appendicitis as top. If this were true, I would have been dead months ago. Fucking dammit.

ongoing migranes for 3 days and yet you play all night long.. sure

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I've been talking to two girls that I like for a while now and I want to ask them out but I've basically entered "gay friend" status with one and I think the other just uses me as a "last resort" friend when she has nobody else to talk to or hang out with.
send help

I'm not sure who to be more angry with; my friends for getting me all hyped up for a drunk online games just to ditch me after the first match, to or myself for being such a naive fag and thinking it would work out. I guess I'm really not as funny, charming, or likable as I like to think.

Or maybe I'm a sappy drama bitch attention whore who wanted to spend time with his friends after being on my own away from friends and family for the last 4 months. But what kind of fag doesn't have any friends to hang out with on a Saturday night? I mean, my friends here are all working overtime right now and couldn't hang out here, and even then they have their own families and don't hang out much usually, but what kind of fucking excuse is that.

Or maybe everyone's right and I'm a garbage millennial who needs constant approval to shelter my frail backbone, and I should kill myself and make the future better.

Or maybe I should stop drinking.

doesn't matter

I live with my sister and lately I can her cry at nights and early mornings (she doesn't close the door to her room because reasons). All I could do was ask her if she was ok and, of course, she said she was. I don't know what to do.

>>17553059
Id have to have invited myself and kept in contact with her for me to go.

Im not the party type, always feel uncomfortable.

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I miss you. I still dream about you.

If you had looked me in the eyes, apologized and made me feel like an essential part of your world I wouldn't have left.

Sometimes I wonder if literally fighting each other (maybe with knives!) could have been hot. It probably would have ended badly, though.

Maybe we could have cut each other up gently and carefully while talking about why deep down we hated each other. It might have been hot to see the blood flow.

I have no fucking idea what to do and it drives me crazy

Every day I wish you had bigger tits

>>17555223
Why did i laugh so hard at this

>>17555664
>what kind of fag doesn't have any friends to hang out with on a Saturday night?
A dude.
Just get drunk and laugh at stupid bullshit on the internet. Works for me.

You're actually such a fucking loser. Please do everyone a favour and disappear again. I was seriously hoping you'd never show your face around again but I guess you're that much of an attention whore.

I wish I could shoot people over the internet.

>>17550405

M

We've been friends for 2 years now. I did some dumb shit that I regret. You accepted my apology. now you just push me away with no regard to my feelings, our friendship, or myself. When I get angry at you for not speaking to me for weeks and ask "Why the fuck is this about you? " or imply it, you assume that I know everything that's going on in your life. You don't even talk about that. Your family steals from you, your dad is about to die. People go through suffering. It's a thing. Getting fucked over by life is not a "you" thing. It's a people thing. And you keep pushing people away. Go to a fucking psychiatrist, something. I can't be around you or talk to you anymore. When I message you on skype or text you, I barely get any reply. Fuck you. Fuck you and your stupid friend J who you only talk to. You talk to him about your problems. Not me. No, never me. i'm supposed to fucking know all about your life like i'm a fucking telepath. Go fuck yourself. At this point I don't care if you put a gun to your head and pulled the fucking trigger. Honestly, I'd encourage it just to see you fucking die at this point. You act all high and mighty about people being trash and not true friends and you're the fucking problem. You're claude mcfucking frollo with your blindness to the problem. You. Go fuck yourself. And eat a bullet.

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>be me, NEET recluse
>when I'm walking down the street, strangers occasionally give me shit, yelling stuff at me
>look up "insults from strangers"
>it's all on social anxiety forums

>>17555106
Because distance. And because I don't want to fuck up everything I've built when I can't be sure it's mutual.

>>17555124
I don't know anon... why did I become best friends and catch feels for him in the past year instead of you?

>>17556031
For?

>>17554639
Who've you and who are you looking for?

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I ALWAYS FUCK IT UP

FINALLY MEET A GIRL I REALLY LIKE GOD FORBID I DONT SPAGOOTER

IM SO SICK OF NO GF AND THIS SHIT WHERE THE FUCK DO I MEET DECENT SINGLE GIRLS

REEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

>>17556456
The short answer is work and school. And even then, I mean, red pill or blue pill, m8.

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>>17556472
At this point it doesn't really matter

I just want a cute girlfriend to love

All these fucking normies complaining about "I LIKE MULTIPLE GIRLS HURR WHAT DO"

You god damn fudgenutters take that shit for fucking granted. I finally found a girl I liked and of course I fuck it up as usual.

I work in a fucking real estate office as a file keeper. I dont go to school because I'm a faggot and can't fucking figure out what to do with my life

Satan take the fucking wheel im asleep on the front seat

>>17556486
>Satan take the fucking wheel
You lack faith.

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>>17556493
Anon cmon

DAMN I want to fuck this girl hitting on me like a motherfucking truck.
I kinda don't want us to become like a couple tho and i dont know uf she wants

I just want to be admired by others, be someones role model. Problem is; there's nothing admirable about me.

I just fucking love her dude, she's the most perfect thing in my eyes and I don't know what to do, we used to talk and we got really tight but now it's gone quiet. I feel like she's forgotten about me or the classic fucking friendzone came and fucked me over but yeah, that's my rant

my girlfriend is attention seeking whore, are there any stable non insecure girls in this universe?

>>17555797
I'm in the same boat, anon. :(

A line without beginning.

Time is a day that echoes himself.
With memories attached to every second, time is an odd entity. And an abnormality.
Why does time flows too fast when we are with people we like the most, and why does it flows too slow when we long to be with them ?
The answer lies within the brain. Because when i was with you, i only allowed myself to feel, not to think.
To feel your touch i liked so much. To feel your love i desired so much. To feel you. That was yesterday
Absent of all these things, i cannot help but think about yesterday. This is exausting. And this is today.
Tomorrow leads me to a path which has two roads : the two of them are damaged and cloudy, and there is a sign on each side.
The one on the right says "yesterday" and the other one has "today".
I see you standing on both ways.
Because time is a day that echoes himself.

A line without end.

When I look up, and I'm not sure, I feel I have to pretend I don't care. Yet I do - so much. I love you so much! I want to lay under the stars with you forever and a day

Can't tell if college is really for me yet... I would so much rather work than sit through all this for a degree. Id love to start a farm and I even have the land to do it, if only I knew anything about farming finances I could find out if I had enough land to live off it

AUIUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

A friend came onto me when I was drunk. There's no chemistry. I've been seeing a really lovely man too, so had to turn him down, but I couldn't say any of this, because we're so early into the relationship

>>17550405
I am fucking beta.... I'm the guy all the girls want as a best friend but always turn down for a date... It has been 4 years....

Do not reward bad behavior from romantic interests. Appropriately retract attention to someone if they let you down and they will come back to you.

>I keep to myself
People who spend a whole two years doing anything but that shouldn't be the ones to say that. You're just saying it because a certain other person says it, and does exactly that. Do you think you saying the same words means you've got something in common? You're the complete opposite and you draw attention to yourself as soon as it goes somewhere else. You're an attention seeker and try to involve yourself in as much as you can just for the sake of stirring shit if you can't directly receive praise from someone involved, because it's funny to you. You do you, but don't claim to do something you don't just because you think you'll have something in common with someone if you do

I hate my GF for leaving, fucking cunt.

>>17550405
When you swallow the Red Pill.

>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lIAJOAb3fSs

My emotions are so fucking tied up in you, I can't leave you. Not that I want to. Not that I would. That's why

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(Female problem)
Fuck you and your big brother in the family bullshit. Your brother is my best friend, hell he is even my soul brother, and I still want to get my penguin dick wet. You wont even give me a passing fancy or a mere thought, all I want is your affection and to be near you but your heart lies with a fuck boy who ignores you for days on end, where as I can't even ignore you if I Wanted to because I'd feel guilty. So go ahead, date the guy who will more than likely leave you in a few months, I'll be sitting here on my fat ass remembering how I asked for a chance to show you real love :\

>>17556787
Ultimately, which road are you taking?
I, too, have issues letting go of the past.
You have my sympathy.

>>17556098
>look up "insults from strangers"
>it's all on social anxiety forums
Guess why? In reality, people don't actually insult you randomly while you're walking down the street unless you live in the ghetto, and people who grew up in the ghetto don't need the internet to know how to deal with it.
Seriously, either get a grip or get out of the projects.

I fell in love with a classmate about 6 years ago.
We were dancing around the subject for years. Never dated, but we would flirt all the time and people thought we were a couple.
I wanted to ask her out about 5 years ago, but she went for some asshole she just met at a party.
4 years ago I left the country and tried to stop thinking about her. Started my own life, and for the most part I didn't think of her.

Then she started trying to contact me. Against my better judgement I tried to start a relationship with her. Went to see her, she was a total cunt. She'd ignore me and spend time with her girlfriends, she'd give me the silent treatment and she would act like I am the one who is in the wrong.
Dropped her like a sack of shit.

I miss her. I saw pictures of her with her new boyfriend, and they're eating me up.
Funny how the human mind works. I don't even know why I like her so much.

It's stupid, but I feel weird being friends with someone with a lot of friends/followers on social media. I actually know this person in real life, but I don't even like/comment/etc their status because I feel like just another number.

WHY AM I HERE

It was fun, but I understand if you need distance from me.

There's no cure for who I am, I just wish I could find someone who's immune.

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>>17550405
I`m still very non sociable and I cant start a conversation to save my life, I`m terrified that I`m never going to change. Like what do people even fucking talk about, the only way I have learned to express myself is through fucking edgy humor.

>>17557765
Don't feel bad. That's the price they pay for treating people like numbers.

>>17557796
Don't worry, i'm sure some people don't mind.
And remember, not having social skills is different from not being sociable. If you want to do social things, go do them, and you'll learn the skills.

Die already and do me a favor.

I got caught by walmart LP for about $25 worth of shit, they let me off with a slap on the wrist but I feel like a colossal dumbass, if it was a tad bit worse I could've gone to jail, fuck up my chances of ever working in research, and devastate my parents for years. And even though I feel like total scum, having this happen feels like a dodged a bullet, I know i needed to quit stealing, because it's been ramping up for years now. The only punishment I got was a 1yr ban from that specific location and the ever looming threat of guaranteed jail if it happens again.

I've learned my lesson, but I just want this anxiety to go away faster.

I'm disappointed to find out that my mom was not sexually liberated when she was younger and that she lost her virginity after marriage. I'm disappointed that she didn't have tons of boyfriends.

>>17557842
wish i could.

M, you were my best friend, i trusted you the most and i'm sorry i fucked up our friendship, but i was so in love with you that it started to hurt, and i just felt that i had to let it out.
We agreed that we should keep things as they were before, but as you see it will never be the same, i feel you're getting uncomfortable around me.
We used to talk every fucking day, and now we haven't talked in two weeks and i already miss you so much.
I'm just waiting for you to text me, that way i'll see if i really ever meant something to you..

>>17557752
lol fucking virgin

>>17557863
Lol I work at Walmart and I laugh at people like you. I'm a kleptomaniac too but you just need to suppress it. Lol you actually got caught. Over Walmart. How low can you go?

I'm slowly cutting my best friend out of my life because he's honestly not the caliber of person I want to be around and his lifestyle choices I can't condone or be around. It sucks hardcore but I feel it's the right thing for me to do

EC,

I wonder if she left you yet or stayed with you despite knowing that you are a cheating coward.

You're welcome for the push.

Sincerely,
that one guy

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>>17550405
I've had pretty bad axiety for a while and am a low self esteem kind of person, even though most times I won't like to admit it.

Every now and again though, I'll have a really bad self-loathing kind of trip in which I just FEEL like everyone's against me and is out to screw me somehow. I just currently hate people and myself. Like really hate, I nearly wish them all terrible pain.

And it doesn't help shit that my goody two-shoes of an older brother is nearby to make me feel like shit by comparison.

Yeah, he's taking way longer to finish college whereas I'm doing just fine but
>he's majoring in engeneering, I'm taking fucking design
>he always manages to keep his cool, I build it up and later explode
>he's tall, good looking and has a gf, I'm a fucking 1.65m weakling beta loser loner
>he's traveled the country and went to france, I can't fucking make a call to strangers
>he managed to know people in college, I literally have no one and am graduating this upcoming year

Fuck off bro, you make me hate myself even more. And I hate to admit it even more that I want attention, I want people to pity me, but then I also want to be helped. I hate being this way, but going with my current feelings instead of thinking it through and trying to be composed seems to be the only way to ask for help. Because I don't fucking know how to deal.

Someone shoot my brains out

I have nothing.

>be me
>have to play music for little kids and their parents in a church
>sit down
>jeans make a tent in my groin
>tfw it looks like I'm having a boner

I should have known that you're just as untrustworthy as everyone else. I should have just stayed away from you like I originally intended. I acted like a fool. I think I'm done with people for a while.

>>17557794
What did you do?

>>17551085
Not who you replied to but this moron sounds like me as well, except it wasn't even a year.

One thing I realised is that people don't change quickly. I can speculate to death on what I could have done differently, but if I had magically made all the right decisions, I'd still be the wrong person for her at that time, maybe vice versa as well.

It's not a case of "oh but if I had just thought about it for 2 seconds before saying that"

I'm sure after those 2 hypothetical minutes I would've said something that was still representative of the volatile and irrational state of mind that I was in. It's taught me about the kind of person I am capable of being. And it's given me some ammunition to change. Slowly.

>>17558164
I made things awkward because I worded shit wrong.

I've been reading the first page of my textbook for the past 20 minutes because I always zone out while reading it or I read it then forgot what I read.

I'm about to fucking drop out seriously I can't do another 4 years of this shit

man i hate feeling anxious... fuck!

>>17558339
I know that feel bro. Idk what to say other than good luck and i hope you make the right decision. I'm on the same boat.

>>17557955
In a way I feel taunted by this, because I'm an m and somethin happened 3 weeks ago with one of my friends but you're probably not him.

You should try talking to them anon

>>17558339
take notes as you read, it helps make you remember things even if there uninteresting

>>17550405

>wake up on sunday
>do a little pre-work for monday so boss is happy
>get a shower
>do 3 loads laundry
>do weekly dishes pileup
>read some news
>watch some videos
>decide it's time to go out into the real world
>...
>drive to walmart for oil change
>get tailgated entire way by a van
>see no cars being worked on and no cars in parking lot area
>the retard (literally a retard) tells me he is booked for the night
>i know he just wants to go home and won't have enough time for my car
>what's the point of saying you close at 6 though if this is really a problem
>head to chipotle for bit of food
>cut off by 2 retards (again, literally retarded peoples)
>ahead of them is land whale getting two burritos
>inspired by land whale to skip sour cream and cheese
>think about going to gas station but don't want to be out anymore
>get tailgated again all the way back home when doing speed limit
>chipotle was extra salty (the fajitas)

I swear normal people do not go out on Sunday evenings. I had a decent weekend and a decent morning today but it all went to shit in just under an hour. I am never leaving my house on a Sunday afternoon or evening again.

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the picture says it all. think its time to leave

>>17558427
Makes me think. 'He' realized he messed up and he did his best to fix it. I see him now in an even better light. I miss him, but I hope he is having a happy life

I'm feeling rather glum. My relationship with my boyfriend is just about over. There is a lot of legal matters to sort through, including custody of our child. What can I do? I have tried for a long time and I just cannot do it anymore.

>>17558398
Thanks I'll definitely try that right now

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I finally had a cute girl call me cute and made me realize I was more handsome that I was thanks to my freckles
Problem is she's a lesbian in a relationship that kicked me in the balls once I made any moves on her
I have no idea how to feel about this

so ready to just give up, shit isnt worth it.

>>17558455
Do not give up. Things happen in life and we just push through them. Everything happens for a reason. Giving up now with so much life left is a waste. Breathe, relax and figure out what you want in life that is feasible to obtain. Go for a walk, read a good book or even get out and meet people. Life can be good, if you choose for it to be good.

>>17558494
what are you, gay?

>>17558516
>>17558516
Straight as an arrow, actually. I have lived life long enough to know that ending it all is not worth it. Some days a person may feel like ending it, but in the end, what does that leave you?

This thread is for feels. If things are meant to happen in life, they will happen. If things are not meant to happen, then they simply will not. Get up and carry yourself on to the next big thing in life. There is nothing nobody in this thread cannot handle.

>>17558521
so in other words you're gay

Legs are a little sore from the impact, but whatever.

Got really drunk last night, walked to a bridge, jumped right off. Sadly I wasn't lucky enough to drown. Walked back to my apartment soaking wet, cried a couple times on the way there, changed, and went to bed so I could wake up a couple hours later and go to work.

Really disappointing.

I've been hearing voices for the past couple months and its been getting much worst in the pat couple weeks. Every night I fall asleep to a voice on loop telling me to kill myself. Today when I was changing clothes I heard it clearly say "doy you want to be important. You will be important if you kiil yourself". I also keep seeing shadowy figure everywhere watching me, always watching it makes my skin prickle. These antipsychotics need to hurry the fuck up and work.

>>17558592
I take it up the button every night from your dad and illary.

>>17558632
Raggedy Andy, bruh

I am confused i don't know if i am judging my girlfriend or is she judging me, if i am wrong or if she is, she says nothing is wrong but she is going to live a way that makes her happy and is not going to lower her standards, i think she is exaggerating

are all relationships like this? we only have 1 year together

I... have been suggested to have paranoid schizophrenia after a mental breakdown where I was yelling, cursing, and accusing everyone for ganging up on me, talking behind my back together, planning, and trying to attack my worth.

From grade school I have been called a genius. Even today people that have known me personally have all said I was a literal genius, Intellectually and creatively. I was placed into advanced mathematics, sciences, and other classes where I performed at a considerably higher level than the other kids. Though at the same time, language had always been extremely difficult for me to understand. My thought process was, and still is, all over the place. I can never stay on one single topic for long while talking or writing. People often will have absolutely no clue what I'm talking about or cannot understand how my ideas are connected to one another. This ability to make seemingly random different things connect and function together benefited my professional career, however. I'm an artist, specifically, an artist that is challenged to come up with many many many unique concepts to be used in pre-production for the entertainment industry. It's my job to make weird shit.

I always thought that my brain was just a bit overly active but wasn't a problem. I hate being in public settings because it's impossible for me to focus. I listen to every conversation around me, study every sign, clothing, faces, and noise. To be out in the world is draining so I tend to isolate myself for long periods of time with noise cancelling headphones and listen to music. While on my computer I never stop multi-tasking. I am painting, listening to music, watching a movie, and talking to my GF all at once and I never miss a beat.If I do not do these things then... something happens that should have given me a hint.

>>17558723
When I was 18-19 I started to notice if I worked on a painting with no music or if outdoors with only the wind, birds, and bugs to entertain I begin to hear chattering voices. The voices are a group of people talking, laughing and mostly indistinct. Eventually a single voice will stand out (often a family member) I can hear them perfectly. Mostly what they talk about has nothing to do with me but sometimes I will hear "Oh, that ones no good man" or "Going to have to try harder than that."

I dismissed this. If I watch a movie, listen to music, or do enough things at once I don't hear them. I asked a friend about this and he said it was "completely normal" I surrounded myself with other talented painters my entire life so a few odd eccentricities are said to be "artist things". I never got along with the majority of the population and among the other eccentrics I never fit in either. My eccentric behavior and extreme introvert nature gave me a reputation as an amazing artist that felt he was too good for everyone else. A few years back a girl told me how she wished to have gotten to know me and the entire underclass simply found my mystery enthralling.

These things have probably hidden my mental issues for a long time. A year back I completely withdrew from society. My disconnected ranting on social media sites and my general assumption of my higher intelligence has ended in people not liking me, getting angry, and more. Every thing said to me I took it an insult so I insulted them back. I stopped talking to friends, family, everyone. I stopped going out. I stopped living because the world was conspiring against me.

I constantly feel like my GF is cheating on me. I go through out skypes, messages, letters, and her social media posts in order to find things she has said, done, or form a pattern of her behavior that proves her infidelity.

There's more but... I recently turned 30. I don't know how to handle the idea what I see or hear isn't reality.

>>17558723
>>17558751
I write too much.

I have not seen a real psychiatrist yet. There are also a few other things like mild hallucinations of both visual and voices other than the chattering.

It all feels real to me so I don't know. I am 100% convinced of everything I believe so I don't believe it.

God, you people are fucking pussies.
When are you going to handle real shit and not just this entry level baby's first level garbage, you cowards?

>>17558875
Yeah what pussies, why don't they live off the land in Africa and live with ebola like me? You fags are fucking casuals.

>>17558612
Just listen to "Voices", the Randy Orton theme.

Pretend you're Orton till they come. Own those voices.

Don't give into the thoughts and the voices.

AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH

I'll never recover from that blunder. She decided she could still lock arms with me, but I'm waiting for the day that what I did finally sinks in to her, and she loses interest. She'll find another guy... A man this time. She will be happy in the long run, but I will end up sad and alone.

I'll never forgive myself for what I did to her. In the scope of cheating and beating what I did wasn't all that horrible, but it was meaningless and only multiplied my pain, and introduced her to my chronic illness. Depression runs on both sides of my family. One of my cousins killed himself because of it, and it took homosexuality to drive him over the edge. I don't know why I obsess over the macabre, and the darkest, most terrifying thoughts I can muster, but the stream is endless. I feel like it's some divine punishment for some transgression in a past-life. I fixate on the potential failure and without strength of will I crumble in fear at any challenge I am issued. The shame and uselessness of this can't be described by any words or phrases that I know in English. I don't want to die, because that's too scary. I just want someone else to give me that lethal injection so that I can pass peacefully. What kind of man...

I'll never forgive myself for what I did. She needed me. She was broken down, she was weak, and she needed me, and I pushed her away. I saw her huge family, and I saw the scrutiny with which they judged me, and I believed that she would be better off without me. Sure she would be sad for a few weeks, but after that she would realize what a favor I did her! Why would she want to be with a loser like me? I know what I'll do, I'll say and do something that will make her hate me, and then I'll run off and hide like I always do, to "protect" her from my fuckupery.

Cont.

Cont.

There is an evil within me that seeks my destruction. Anything good or healthy it takes from me. I am unworthy, it says. I'm a waste, because there's more useful people out there that need this, while I'll just embarrass everyone again. I don't want to drag her into that. She won't have to justify her choice of lover to others, because it will be obvious. Anybody will be better than me. I bet that her new guy and her will talk about me for the first few months, and what a sad pathetic loser I am. I bet I become the butt of a joke.

I'll be at this dead-end job forever. I'm so dumb because I had a world of opportunity laid at my feet and I kicked it away in fear. I'm so ashamed on such a deep level I can't even reach down to address it. All I want to do in any moment is cry and cry, but I've done that already. It doesn't help. It's useless, because when there are no more tears left to cry I feel exactly the same as before.

This mental anguish comes like a pulse. At times I can fake it, and it's bearable. When I'm with her it all goes away, but on my own when it's bad I become preoccupied with my own limits. It's not unfair, I don't think. I feel that this is my doing. And in a way it's hereditary, so I don't want to pass off my retarded seed to her.

Somehow I still managed to get her back, and I'm holding onto her for dear life, but this honeymoon is ending. Soon the shit is set to hit the fan, and I don't know how to get away from it. I must be either insane or stupid, because I keep living my life the same way and expecting shit to change with the date. She'll get sick of it again soon, and we'll end up in the exact same place. Then she'll see what I tried to warn her about, and I hope she does like I asked and runs the hell away from me for dear life. I'm toxic. I'm corrosive. I consume happiness and return it as emptiness. I am utterly useless. Insipid. If I had a wish I would wish I wouldn't wake up tomorrow, and that I would be forgotten as I go.

Dude, you're a gold digger. I don't know what the fuck...
You tried to sabotage your own blood. I know I fucked up with you, I didn't know what I was doing and mom and dad should've intervened. Dad fucked up with me and so did brother. I love you, but it's slowly dying because you act like a shit. I've tried to guide you but you make me wonder if women are really stupid since you ask for the things I've tried to guide you to.
I'm sorry. I really am, but I gotta be honest, my love for you is slowly fading. I'm going to move up in life very soon. I want you to do so as well, but I don't think I want you in my life if you act this way.
We're all going to shit. I just blew up on dad. This is it dude.

I would cuddle you.

I worry that I become too much of a burden on others even when it's uncalled for. That's what eats me up about communication, I panic like fucking hell that I'm gonna catch someone at a bad time and think the problem is all me.

I...

I think I need more help on this.

One ex got in touch with me recently, to 'congratulate' me on a recent accomplishment.

I texted another ex to see how she was doing, and apparently one of her best friends committed suicide on Monday last week. The funeral was yesterday. I told her to get in touch with me if there was anything I could do for her.

Then, a third ex (or, at least, a girl who I shared strong mutual feelings with) stopped by my place by surprise (I'm roommates with her sister).

It's been a confusing day for my heart.