How to forgive yourself

honestly the best advice i can give:
Try not giving a f*ck, even for awhile.

That kind of stuff really messes your head and prevents you thinking straight. That kind of heavy stuff is easier to progress after you can call it a thing from the past.

>>17545774
How could I go about making it a thing of the past?

>>17545757
what was the betrayal ? and what were the consequences ?

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>>17545833
It's a bit hard to explain. If I told you without getting into extreme detail it wouldn't make much sense.

Essentially, I've got chronic depression. My GF is my fucking sunshine, the only light in my life. She says she doesn't love me anymore and breaks up with me. I'm sad, but I can continue. She kisses me on the way out, immediately after dumping me and saying she doesn't love me. The only thing I ask is that she stays away from her ex boyfriend. He was abusive and I hate him with all my being. She promised to stay away from him.

The next week we almost have sex. She doesn't want to be together still. I understand, but I'm not doing so well. I find out that a few days prior, she fucked her ex (who promptly threw her out afterwards, no doubt).

I realize she never loved me. I realize that the only thing keeping me moving forward in life has been false, and she was his paramour even while we were together. She lied about loving me, lied about everything she ever told me. I could have cooled off and kept a straight head but I was under a lot of stress (not an excuse, but an explanation.) So I tried to kill myself and told her it was her fault. I didn't care what she thought because I would be gone soon enough. I wasn't trying to manipulate her or make her come back. I was determined to be dead and never see her again.

I failed, she freaked out and made me stop. I gave up because it wasn't working anyway.

Everyone is afraid of me. Nobody wants to be around me. Nobody cares, except for a handful of friends who think I should just get over it. Everyone hates me. Everyone knows what I did and thinks it's disgusting.

The worst part is that I hate myself far more than any of them could. I am guilty, disgusting, spineless, horrible, and unworthy of anyone's love.

I know I'm scum and I know I should just kill myself or something. But I can't. I promised to never do it again. So I just shuffle along, completely empty and rotten.

Do you feel guilty because it happened or because other people know it happened?

>>17545898
Both. Part of what is keeping me feeling guilty is that everyone looks at me differently now. Nobody cares about me (rightfully so).

It's hard to forgive yourself when everyone around you thinks you're the antichrist. Not to mention I already hated myself.

>>17545901

So the best thing to do is just to prove everyone right? How would you behave around people who never knew about it?

I get that you have an internal struggle over the situation everyone would but by allowing the people around you to reinforce it by behaving how you feel you should because of it will only make things worse. You know the saying "fake it till you make it"? Go and sincerely apologise to the people that matter to you. Then act as if you would had it not happened. I know you will still struggle inside but the habit of behaviour will dis-empower it and enforce a new perspective.

>>17545896
Get ready to be bombarded with 'go back to /r9k/' replies for even implying that a female may have wronged you.

But the thing is OP, you got redpilled about females the hard way.
It ain't worth offing yourself over dumb female whores, they're gonna be replaced in a few years anyway by machines, so chill out and devote yourself to some good form of escapism.

>>17545910
>So the best thing to do is just to prove everyone right? How would you behave around people who never knew about it?
This is what I've been doing. My friends are fine but I just can't shake the fact that she must hate me. She must look back and think "Thank christ I got away from him. He was a pussy anyway. I can't believe he did that to me LOL"

I'll try to keep up this act. Maybe faking it will suffice until I make it.

>Get ready to be bombarded with 'go back to /r9k/' replies for even implying that a female may have wronged you.
That's why I left the story out of the OP. I know I'd get shit for it. And honestly I deserve the shit for it. It was the worst decision I've ever made and I would do anything to undo it. Not even to make her come back, just to make things right.

>>17545928

Yes she probably does but you can't change what happened. If you see her apologise to her and then ensure you don't see her until you've gotten over it. You know there is no future with her so there's no reason to hold on to the guilt.

>>17545938
Another thing. Afterwards, I texted her for about two weeks, apologized profusely, begging to see her again. I realized that I really did become a stray fucking dog. I was so pathetic.

She's not even in state anymore. She left for college. I'm sure that she's already fucked a few guys there, too. I just wish I wasn't someone she's going to regret. She's the only person whose opinion of me matters to me.

>>17545956

but her opinion of you doesn't really matter now though. It has no bearing what so ever on your life now. It's not like she can go around sabotaging whatever you try to achieve from now on. Unless you do it for her by holding on to her opinion when it no longer matters.

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>>17545986
Jesus Christ, you're hitting me hard with this shit. Thank you. I need to get fucking laid t b h. I need to forget her name.

>>17545896
You're not scum
You made a mistake under extreme emotional duress. Your GF probably never wanted to hurt you.

"I realize she never loved me. I realize that the only thing keeping me moving forward in life has been false, and she was his paramour even while we were together. She lied about loving me, lied about everything she ever told me."
Don't be so sure about that. Love is more complicated than that.

Don't be so harsh on yourself. Sure you made a mistake, but dwelling on it won't fix it.

And she did wrong you.

You can make yourself better, don't worry you will find another light

>>17545757
Past is past,forget what happened. Also since you have depression I guess you go to a psychology so talk to him, he will help you as well. About that girl, forget her,you deserve something better.

>>17545993
>Don't be so sure about that. Love is more complicated than that.
As much as I'd like to agree with you, I can't. If I hold onto her loving me I'll never get better. I just need to hate her or pretend she's nothing to me.

>You can make yourself better, don't worry you will find another light
Fucking hell, I needed to hear this. Thank you, anon. You're a saint.

>>17546000
Thank you. I need positivity. I've been told I'm trash so much lately. I want to believe I deserve better but I really thought she was perfect. I can see now that she was a degenerate.

>>17546004
>I just need to hate her or pretend she's nothing to me.
I believe for now, that is a good idea; but you need in the long run to remember the good as well as the bad. If you only remember your relationship as a traumatism it'll be another thing you'll have to unravel later.

We say dumb shit like wait 3 weeks or 3 months to get over a girl, but it takes longer than that for guys because we get more attached not so much to women but the idea of love much more than women do. I will hurt for a long while even if she does decide to stay by your side as a friend with or without benefits. I'd say distance yourself from her because if she finds another guy her happiness with him might cause you to spiral downward again.

As for friends, if they were true friends they would keep in touch once in a while, or at least try to be with you in groups if you asked for a movie or games or whatever the fuck you do in your free time.

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>>17546011
I know you're right. I'm sure I'll get that through my stubborn head eventually.

>>17546020
Christ, that's the truth. Love doesn't hurt. It's the only thing in this world that doesn't hurt. It hurts when it's taken away, though.

>I'd say distance yourself from her because if she finds another guy her happiness with him might cause you to spiral downward again.
Just thinking about this makes my insides freeze over and I feel like I weigh a thousand pounds. I never want to hear about her, and I just want to pretend I was never with her.

>I can't forgive myself for threatening my own life on someone else.
Because you are devaluing the other person. Since you put yourself higher (and I think you do that generally, not for just this person before/after betrayal), it comes horrible to you that you should have taken your own life because of someone low as them.

Think of why you started being friends with this person. Think of why you started trusting them. If you look down on people generally, that pride will hurt you no matter what.

>>17546020
I said "if" but I meant "when". OP kinda reminds me of a friend I had, he was on cloud nine with a girl but eventually she got bored and moved on. She became really bat shit and desperate at one point because not even this beta orbiter that was into her wanted date her and she's the one that offered. Friend got really messed up, although I suspect he was kinda messed up before dating her, now he's a jobless cat guy that keeps asking his mom if he bring more cats into the house.
Point is, don't get stuck because a women crippled you a little.

>>17546053
It's the opposite. I find myself inferior to almost everyone, especially her. She could do everything I can't.

>>17546074
Christ, I hope I don't end up like that. I know she'll get someone else and I know she'll be happy. I just want to be as far away from that as possible.

>>17545757
a friend actually gave me an advice once, when I felt so guilty of what I was doing in my life but wanted to change for the better.
It's a mantra.. a mantra is something that you say out loud, with your voice, it doesn't have to be shouted it can be whispered but it goes as follows, and trust me it works.

"I'm sorry
I forgive myself
Thank you
I love you"

Say that to yourself, and mean it. because you know you'd say it to others. just treat yourself how you deserve to be treated.

For the record, what method did you use to try to commit suicide?

>>17546105
I'm going to lay down and try this a few times. Thank you, anon.

>>17546147
It was a dumb hybrid method. I was using materials I had around the house so I wouldn't have to go out and buy something and maybe reconsider what I was doing.

I took 4 benadryl so I would hopefully pass out. I wrapped a shoelace around my neck, tightened it, and tied it to my doorknob, then laid down, barely supporting my head.

The idea is that I would pass out, my head would drop, and it would cut off my arteries and my windpipe. The drugs would keep me unconscious. Also, the arteries would be blocked before my windpipe, which would cause deep unconsciousness. The drugs would assist.

Not a great plan, but I wanted an easy, painless suicide with objects found around my house.

>>17546169
you just need to say it once, if you mean it with your heart