Help escape autism feel

Suicide isn't the right answer anon, don't do it.

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I was reminded exactly of the same exact vegetable feel where I cannot talk, but I also cannot think. The feeling of emptiness and loneliness is insane, beyond simple words. It's like everyone else around you has 4 intelligent people inside them and you have 0 people, no brain, no thinking power, you're a vegetable, a walking breathing vegetable. You feel numb and in despair, you can't breathe, you cry out of anything, you get scared out of your wits whenever your guardian parent leaves you alone. It's the most horrifying social feel ever and I would do anything to know what it's like to feel like a normal functioning human being dependable of itself.

I was depressed and wanted a new life since I was 2 years old, yes I had existential crisis since I was 2. Because my parents always left me alone in the house and I would wake up early at around 7 AM. I would see the house empty and I would get that same feel of emptiness inside me. The few friends I had, I would constantly lock the door, hide the key and beg them to stay over the night.
At the age of 7 when I was in kindergarten I felt lonelier than ever - i never played with those toys which looked amazing by the way, I never made any friends I didn't even retain their names. Middle school was horrible, full of hypocritical assholes. High school was full of geeks on my level, but somehow they could joke, talk and go outside easily, except for 2 other guys which were social recluses like me, but uglier looking, they were terrible at smooth talking too and couldn't make a joke to save their life. It felt like looking in a mirror.

I was suppose to die back in 2013 January, I even set myself a timer in 2012 May. Well look what date it is now.
I was an idiot to not kill myself back when I first realized I was autistic.

I thoroughly analyzed myself - my life, my history, what I have to lose compared to what I have to gain from dying. Honestly I didn't have much to lose if I wanted to kill myself since I was the age of 2. I was happy that it was all going to end. I was still autistic and introverted, but I was somewhat happier in my mind. I got myself in a deep depression around 2014 August which didn't let me breathe and control my heart beats properly, it has only gotten worse.

In 2013 it was a mellow depression, I was getting ready to die, but I immediately felt numb and disappointed noticing that I wasn't going to do it, that's when I went full mute, I even actively tried to stop talking at all, until all I could do is say yes or no.

I kept actively making up excuses. In my mind I told myself to make a chore list - write a journal, tell your father and grandma that you inherited your autism from them, get rich and leave the money to your mother, find another child to replace you. convince your own mother to provide the resources to die painlessly, etc. etc.
Obviously most of these things on this literal wishlist were goddamn impossible and retarded especially for a social recluse like me with no talents, resources, past achievements, etc. This is mainly what screwed up my suicide schedule.

Sorry, 4chan couldn't post all my feelings in one go. I think the OP got the most important parts over anyway.

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Am I crazy, doctor?

Not to mention since watching TV as a baby I always identified with hopeless, sad, lonely characters. At one point I genuinely did try to jump off a building as a baby hoping I'll get a better life. I saw at tv some movie about kids going to heaven and something.

I'd like to think I'm far more extreme than the other assorted neets on this board. I like to believe while they're awkward, they at least can figure their way around the city, find a group of friends and be happy with them, be satisfied with what they have, figure out problems, take them on despite being unexperienced.
While I shut myself in to the point I'm unable to talk... and I might even have a heart attack in some cases. I cry and feel unmotivated and depressed out of nothing, it just comes to me naturally. I can't even fake it, I genuinely shut down if things get too awkward for me, I try to run away or stay silent in my shell like a turtle till the danger goes away. I could never talk to a stranger without getting scared and running off and feeling embarrassed for no reason.

And the fact that I felt like this since under the age of 5, kind of tells me it's a genetical thing or the way the dna combined randomly... what I want to say is that it's genuinely because of my brain's wiring and not because of the environment I lived in and how I ended up. I'm like this since I was born.

>>17539773

So is therapy completely out of the question?

>>17539782
Depends what kind of therapy.

I would need 5-10 intelligent creative friends(going out every day with me) capable of teaching me how to speak, to feel secure and dependable on myself, how to feel extroverted, be capable of entertaining myself and feel independent. Sadly that kind of quality therapy seems non existent.
Anti-depressant pills would also screw up my brain for good if something went wrong. Some of them are not temporary, depending on the substance inside the pill.

Plus there's a good chance that the fear will always come back and every progress will be undone. My depression is a kneejerk thing, it comes out of nowhere, for no reason.
Unless there's a way to make my brain produce more positive chemicals or any advanced form of neurological engineering performed on me, there isn't much to be done.
My problems are subconscious straight from my genes. My poor conscious is actually too smart and aware compared to my kneejerk actions that come naturally to me. My heart will automatically beat faster for little reason and I'm unable to stop it no matter how hard I try to trick my brain, develop some courage or stop caring about it. I am not in control.

>>17539608
You need to realise something OP.
If you've given up on life, does it really matter what way you choose to off yourself?

You have a chance here. A chance to take revenge on people that hate and shun people like you and me, on the normies that force us into loneliness and social reclusion.

You have a chance OP. You have the right mindset. You need to direct your sadness to the right people.
Don't let this opportunity go to waste. Why should they be happy when we can't be? Why should they enjoy things like friendshop and love when they exclude us?

You can show them a bit of pain.
Do it. You know you can.

>>17539944
Sometimes my whole body starts shaking out of anxiety/fear. And I can't command myself to stop.
I have a lot of mental problems and I never went to a specialized doctor to check on them, to see what exactly makes me tick and find out a conclusion, to know where it stems from exactly.

>>17539959
Do you have access to firearms?

You know what needs to be done.

Why should they be happy when you can't?

These people that make sure you're socially excluded, that make sure you can never get a girlfriend, that hate you for being different and ensure you can never be happy.

You know what needs to be done.

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>>17539955
There are only 2 "people" in this whole world still alive which I want to leave them handicapped for life. I would invent a time machine just so I could torture them for all of their life stages.
They are the reason I was born in the first place with all this mental baggage. Especially the context in which I was born.

But I cannot, for two simple facts: 1. Because I'm actually a very kind and humble person. 2. Because I have no power.

I love normal intellectual people and I wish to be like them, that's why I want death, to have a chance at rebirth. My desire and my jealousy of them drives me to kill myself just so I can join them. I love them so much I want to die for them.

I have instead found a deep rooted hatred for autists, neets, losers, degenerates. Because I never asked to be like you, this is hell. I instead suggest you to follow my advice and hope there's life after death... because what we have here is not living.
Everyone on this planet should be a responsible member of society and find some honesty in letting others more fortunate than them live a nice and happy life. But that doesn't mean we have to stare with our mouths agape, we can die and hope for heaven.