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World feels empty and lonely. All I ever want in life is just 1 person, 1 lover. I dont need to rely on them for everything, just to be reliable and faithful, to share in love for me.
When I love someone, it becomes a part of myself. I love everything about that person. Where they came from, who theyve been their whole lives. I integrate everything from their childhood to the present moment as something critical, something that matters the world to me. As time goes on I accept their family as my own, a couple girls I've even accepted as family practically. I'm going through a rough time with my current GF, and I think it will end up in us splitting. Until now, I have never been with someone longer. I have never been with someone I cared for more. We were planning to get engaged in 8 months.
She was family to me, we even were planning on having a traditional home where she can stay at home and tend to the house and the children and I can go off and work. Her family was family, I was family to them. This part of my life was more important to me than anything else I had, and I feel as though the rug is pulled out from underneath me.
I'm in a total free-fall, /adv/. My life, my house, my belongings, my hobbies... they arent anything I find any comfort or solace in, especially when I know that at the end of the time I am truly and wholly alone. Its crippling. I can admit to you at least that I've been having panic attacks all day.
I can't manage life like this. Its going to be so empty and cold. I won't even have another human being to talk to besides a few internet friends, and the connection there doesnt go farther than verbal shitposting.
She says she doesn't want to lose me, that she wants to be with me forever, that she wishes we could have a family and a future together, but she has to leave me because she's hurting too much over her own dumb decisions, things I dont even care about.
She's my team, my best friend, the only family I care about.
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>>17539468
Have you tried finding yourself in religion?
If not the zealous type, maybe finding yourself in philosophy?
You're asking for meaning, yes?
Then I've got bad news for you, cause no one can agree on what that "meaning" is
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I can't do this /adv/. It wasnt even a typical relationship. We are each others best friends, really each others only friends. We have nothing else besides, because thats just who we are as people. I mean, we did everything together. Went everywhere together, experienced everything together. We loved every moment, we appreciated every moment. Laughs and tears and suffering and happiness, new experiences and the best times of our entire lives. She was more than just a girlfriend, we were the best friends either of us had ever had.
Ive had family die on me, I've had people hurt me, but nothing like this. I dont know how to cope, /adv/. Im not just losing a disposable gf, I'm losing a family and my only true friend and all of my hopes for the future
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>>17539468
If you use a person to validate yourself, you'll give them a bigger responsibility than any one can handle.
Don't be selfish. Learn to love yourself before you ask someone else to love you.
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>>17539493
I'm not sure if its seeking validation as much as it is that I use her life to fill all the gaps in mine, some of which are beyond my control, and without her it all comes back
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>>17539514
Same thing. You make your life "whole" through her. You are asking her to be what makes your life worth living.
Don't do that. Make your life worth living by yourself. For yourself.
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>>17539528
how am i supposed to do that anon
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>>17539535
Take up a hobby. Get a job that makes you feel accomplished. Go to therapy. write a book.
I can't solve it for you. Find something that makes you feel good without forcing another person to take on the load.
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>>17539546
ive been trying for years. every time i think ive reached a point of self contentedness, life ruins everything to a serious degree. i never made her feel burdened, just wanted her to be there. that was enough. not even always. but she was always more than happy to be there always. she wanted to be more than i did.
desu anon before i met her i was going to kill myself. i think in that moment i decided id give hope to one last thing. i think with her that hope is gone. i dont think ill do anything, but definitely end up dead inside
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>>17539587
Listen, I'm not a psychologist. This seems to be way out of my league. If you really had suicidal thoughts, work them out with a professional.
But again, it doesn't matter if she wanted to or not. You put your life in her. You have said it several times already. No one can handle that, even if they think they can.
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Family is different than relationships is different than friendships. Nothing is permanent, and no person should fill your whole life. It's up to you to fill your own life. I don't know if she cheated or whatever, but that may beca sign your heart is more in it than her. Find something bigger to care about, some humanitarian cause. Nobody can take that away. Make enduribg friendships too, not ones that are conditional on you being the pseudo husband or daddy. The void is not meant to be filled with people, or at least not a single person. Become your own person.
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>>17539640
And these kids are fantastic, sure, but that reminds me of how I got along with my exes friend better than my ex. Dump the gf? Dump her friends. Don't make your life contingent on one condition being satisfied. Maybe try mentoring youth, urban youth or something.
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