I thinking about leaving my gf, whose OCDs are getting worse.

>>17502014
Have you tried calmly and firmly refusing to appease her? Make it clear to her that it's not ok to wake you up at 3am over anything but an immediate medical emergency.

>>17502119
I tried to do so, but when she does not get angry at that, she becomes gloomy, silent and resentful. She says that when I refuse to appease her she feels blamed and lonely -even if I kept controlling with her the same things over and over for a whole day, sacrificing my own work and mental health. If that happens, I can only resort to apologizing and hear her say "I love you, but you did not think of me".

>>17502134
Duh, she's guilt tripping you because she sees that it works. Has she been making any progress OCD-wise? Why not go to a relationship therapist with her?

>>17502151
OCD-wise she's getting worse. Actually, she gets worse any time she has to work more than normal. As for the relationship therapist, I would be willing to do so. However, she would not like to leave her current therapist (who is not a relationship therapist). Moreover, in the past she tried to demonstrate that I had more mental issues than her, and that I needed to see my own therapist. I believed her, for some time. Then, I realized that she was kind of manipulating me. She guilt tripped me by taking a small fault of mine and turning it into something unbearable and sick. It took me a lot of time to realize that I was not like that. I have been starting to feel again like myself only recently; before that, I was convinced she unveiled a dark, weak and otherwise invisible side of myself.

>>17502167
Sound shitty, but I don't see the problem with seeing two therapists at once (or is the money an issue?). My two cents: have a talk with her therapist (if she refuses, don't take no for an answer), see why she's not getting better, and maybe try to see whether her work is a big part of the problem (very shitty boss?) and help her to consider whether she's willing to continue to sacrifice her (and your) well-being for her work.

Unless I got it wrong, your relationship doesn't sound like give-and-take to me, and she seems to have no appreciation for your efforts. You might want to think ahead and figure out where you want to be 10 years from now.

>>17502185
When her OCDs and stuff are not kicking in, she actually feels guilty for wasting my time and wants to give me something back. Sometimes she offers to pay when we eat out, sometimes she just tries to be sweet and caring, sometimes she tries to help me when I have some kind of work trouble.

The problem is that when, later, her condition prevails, she uses all the things she did to help me to guilt trip me. So, I learned to never accept her help anymore. However, when I do so, she feels guilty. And more problems start, because if she feels guilty she gets gloomy, impossible to talk with, and so on.

So yes, that's why I am starting to think that maybe it's better to leave her.

And yes, money is an issue. We cannot afford two therapists. As for talking with her current therapist: I tried suggesting so, but she was very bothered by this. She said I would speak only from my point of view, trying to appear "a saint" by blaming her. She said that if I want to see the doctor I should take appointments to speak only about my own mental problems. If I were to go to that therapist without telling her before, that would lead to a terrible reaction from her.

I don't think that changing work would help her. I feel like she would handle any kind of job like this. It's just her way: the glass is forever half empty, never half full.

If she hasn't made progress in TWO YEARS, she is either not following her therapist's instructions or her therapist is terrible.


She needs a new therapist that uses exposure and CBT.

If she won't seek better treatment then you have to leave.


T. Anon who also has OCD.

I'd like to point out again what is the major issue behind my doubts.

I am losing respect for her. That's the biggest problem of all.

I endured her manipulations, angry fits and obsessive requests for attention for three years, because I loved her. I suffered a lot, I think I became stronger.

But now, I am losing respect for her. And maybe also for myself.

>>17502274
Her therapist is precisely using CBT, as far as I know...

>>17502256
>I learned to never accept her help anymore
Good!
>However, when I do so, she feels guilty.
Well we both know what you'd *really* like her to do (sleeping well at night, for starters), so don't accept substitutes like paying for dinner (and consider not eating out anymore if you're poor). She should feel guilty, she's not providing where it counts.

>she was very bothered by this. She said I would speak only from my point of view, trying to appear "a saint" by blaming her.
So what, now it's a contest between you and her? Fuck her, it's the therapist's job to figure out who's right. If anything, this sounds like a red flag to me, like she's only using the therapist's support to make herself feel less shitty about the way she's being.

Btw, I didn't suggest telling your problems to the therapist, but only to ask "my gf's still a mess, what gives?". You're not being "a saint" by saying that. If she has a right to be bothered, so do you.

In the end, it's your choice. If you can't do anything about it just because she throws a fit, something's gonna give, eventually.

>>17502285
CBT isn't a magic bullet. I don't know of any way to just up your respect for someone else. For yourself, try to lead a healthy, fulfilling life.

>>17502291

I actually feel like she is not doing much with that therapist, other than having a talk with her once a week and writing long, self-indulging letters after one of her crises. Oh, and also trying to meditate once a day, for a few minutes. I don't know about how to fight OCDs, but these strategies feel a little bland to me. Am I wrong?

>>17502309
I did some CBT therapy myself, once (for anhedonia, not OCD). While it did help me gain a better awareness of some things, it was pretty much hit-or-miss otherwise. You may want to look up recovery rates for whatever she has (does OCD have subtypes?) and see whether it's normal to take years to recover. If >>17502274 is any indication, she's not getting much out of it and is just paying someone to stay and listen to her. Support groups may be an alternative.

>these strategies feel a little bland to me
The way she does it matters imo. She may not meditate right, and I don't think those letters are meant to be self-indulging. They should probably be calmly self-reflective.

Btw, the reason she suggested you go to the therapist separately may be because she knows you can't afford it. Try to see what happens if you're really going to do it.

>>17502291
>You're not being "a saint" by saying that

I know. It's her distorted point of view. She just does not like to have someone having a talk with her therapist, if it's not to be judged partially "guilty" of her condition. She did so with her own parents, who for some time started to go see the therapist. Then, they got bothered by my gf's attitude: she was trying to accuse them in front of the therapist and she got angry (later) when they tried to explain their reasons and their point of view. So, they decided to not go anymore.

I'll try to tell her that I want to see her therapist just once, to have a talk, but I bet she will get angry and resentful as soon as I mention it.

>>17502345
Just stop appeasing her, you're gonna dump her anyway if this keeps going on. You're not her parents, you don't have to love her unconditionally.

>>17502350
That's right. And that's what she cannot accept. When I say "no" to her, it's like I am always at fault. And she expects me to make up for it.

What scares me it's that she is no more able to see things from a different perspective. It is impossible to make her see your point. She keeps repeating over and over what she's convinced of, even if it's clearly false or excessive. And if I say that it's very irrational on her behalf, she says that I am breaking her heart and that I cannot accept emotions, which are always irrational and need to be understood as they are.

>>17502370
You can't "make" people stop being irrational. They need to be willing to admit that they're wrong and doing so is just plain unthinkable for some.

>>17502382
After this discussion, I feel more and more like the only solution is to leave her for good...

It is a very though decision, as for three years I have been thinking of her as the person I'd like to spend my whole life with.