So sad

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I am becoming a shadow of myself.. I met the most amazing dude 3years ago and we fell deeply in love. I, being a fucked up individual, believed that something would ruin what we had or somehow it would be taken away so I ended up fucking up myself. I was just awful. Mentally and emotionally abusive really. I ended things because I couldn't stand being that person and he just kept taking it because he had never loved before. A few months later I got into a car accident (nothing serious) that really gave the proverbial kick in the ass needed to change my fucked up ways. So I went back to my love in hopes of repairing the damage and ultimately becoming one once more. However he was changed, more sore than before and just a totally selfish and short tempered individual. I knew that this was sparked by me so I was parient and understanding. I then got pregnant (accidental and against abortion) my emotions got harder to manage so I had a few slip ups. Nothing mean and fucked up like I had been before but he would react very very strongly to anything I would say. We decided (well I brought it up) that he was just too angry with me and that we should be apart. I then went through the rest (7months) of my pregnancy alone. We messaged a little just for him to have a basic idea of what was going on with baby. I had my boy 7weeks ago now and when that happened things sort of changed for us. His intense anger faded. He was there for the birth and the 4days I spent in hospital. I have been to his place twice (3 with this weekend) for 5 days each time. Things are much better but I cannot share my feelings because his reactions are still overly dramatic. I want to continue being patient and understanding but I feel like I am dying a little inside. I know that I wronged him so I need to take it but to what extent and for how long. When I was effed up I was aware and shared but could not stop myself. He is not aware and he is just defensive if I talk to him about it.