My bf texted his ex at the beginning of our relationship. He

Anyone who tries to keep tabs on exs wants them on some level.

Not only did he want his ex back, he STILL wants her back. If you have even the tiniest shred of self-respect, you won't stay with him

>>17436652
>bf
>ex
Not even gonna read the rest
Break up. If your bf still has feelings for his ex there's no hope

>>17436670
What if he had back then, years ago when this happened, but not anymore? The problem atm is why the fuck won't he just say he missed her? If he just admitted it, it would be all solved. Then I could figure out what to do. I mean, it's not like I can just go and find some other guy who sees me as a first choice.

>>17436669
Why won't he admit it then?

>>17436676
>>17436680
Because nobody wants to be the bad guy.

My advice stays the same.

>>17436700
He declines to talk about it now. He says i treat him like shit and he is the one who always has to apologize. Well.. I guess this won't work if he won't talk. He says it doesn't matter what he said because he didn't mean it.

Even reading the story made me mad. what the heck.
I don't like a guy who brings up or cares ex (in front of gf), shouldn't he be giving you a full attention?? Does he not know that those things will hurt you?? Wouldn't he be mad if you do the same thing??

I never do the shit bc I know that it wont make anyone happy. I don't like anyone who does things knowing that it'll make someone sad or wtevr.

>>17436711
Yeah, now he is giving me an ultimatum, either I apologize for getting mad or we break up. He won't talk about the issue.

>>17436716
>ultimatum
>wants you to apologise for having perfectly valid feelings
I'd pick 'break up.' Give him another ex to pine over.

>>17436737
I apologized. I am fucking done. I will fucking make him fucking sad. Fuck being a nice girl.

>>17436740
Or fuck with him. That's a good option too.

>>17436740

There's nothing wrong with being a nice girl. You're just unfortunately putting that energy towards someone who doesn't deserve it.

Don't lose your kindness. Just spend it wisely.

For men, missing an ex is a complicated thing.

Missing her does not AT ALL imply that he wants her back. Comfort him because that shit hurts for a long time. If he knows what's good for him, he will see that you're supporting him no matter what, and he'll only keep thinking about her because he can't help it. If he leaves you for the ghosts of the past, that's his choice.

The best analogy I can think of is elementary school. Parts of it were really awesome. Some part of you when you were there wanted to just stay there forever. But the time came for it to be done, and you knew that. But sometimes you still drive by that building half drunk in the middle of the night, trying to remember a time when things were different. It doesn't make sense and it doesn't have to.

Don't shame him for it. Don't make him feel guilty. Don't freak out and get hurt and afraid that he's going to leave you. Be there for him, because he's still in pain.

>>17436784
I said i would support him but he says he didn't want her or miss her. He was just being an asshole, seeing what she would say. So the problem is that he is a liar.

>>17436784
No. She doesn't have to stay with someone who doesn't make her feel valued and makes her feel second best instead.

And who on earth would look at pics of ex if he didn't miss or want her back? He does have mental health issues and he blames it on them but that can't be true.

>>17436740
What is your plan?
If I were you I would break up, he clearly knows how to controll you.
He even turned things around when you confronted him with his ex problem.
Instead of him apologizing and really trying to work on his problem he not only does not acknowledge he has a problem, he actually made YOU apologize for the situation.
You said it yourself, he thinks he is in total control because his actions have no consequences (nice girl) and/or he doesn't give two fucks about the relationship.

Break up.

>>17436807
He says that he feels worse about the situation than me. Yeah. Fucking idiot. I will break up with him.

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>>17436816
good luck anon, don't fall for his tricks.

>>17436816
I'm longpost guy. Eschewing picking up a pizza to type this.

Please don't. I know he's being a fuckface. That really sucks. I don't know the entire situation, and I can't see through your eyes, but he is probably freaking the living fuck out right now and doesn't know what to do. He's getting defensive and being self-righteous because it's the only way he can make sense of what is in his own head. He is losing himself, that scares the fuck out of him, and he's afraid to show it because that would be showing weakness. I would guess that the last person he showed weakness to was his ex, who then left him with unresolved feelings. Relationships that end badly like that are fucking messy, and the emotions that linger are literal demons. It's not your job to deal with that, I know, but it's worth it to try and step back and understand.

This isn't fun for him. He feels guilty, and the shitty things he's probably saying are his fucked up way of trying to dodge blaming himself. Again, it doesn't make sense and it doesn't really have to.

Please don't leave him. At the very least, just give each other some space for a few days. If you do decide to end your relationship with him, please do it cleanly and without malice, vengefulness, or vindiction, as satisfying as that might be.

If he won't apologize, I will. For what little that's worth.

>>17436859
He got caught over a year ago, it happened five years ago. This is a five year relationship. He broke up with her eight years ago. I don't understand why he can't admit he missed her. Even just a tiny bit. I can't get over this since he can't explain himself.

>>17436885
He can't admit it to you because he doesn't want to admit it to himself, even though it's probably true. He never will. If you try to make him, he'll react like this. Emotional trauma is a nasty, ugly, sticky thing.

It's really easy for people on the internet to yell "YA FUCK HIM LOL". If you really think he's going to try and run off with this chick, then by all means leave him because you can't trust him. That's perfectly reasonable.

If his relationship with this chick ended badly and he has unresolved feelings, there's a chance that talking to her might be exactly what he needs to do. Maybe things got left in a very transitive state, and the severance never had a chance to settle in his mind. Even if he fully knows that it is and always will be over with her. That's going to require a huge amount of trust on your end if that's true.

The bottom line is that some part of him has some kind of unresolved conflict. He doesn't want to admit it. He has had and is having moments of weakness, he got caught with his pants down, and he won't admit that he's wrong because he won't admit that he has ghosts. The best thing for you to do is to make him know that it's alright if he's still got issues from the past, and that you're just glad he's with you now.

If you couldn't tell, I've been in a pretty similar situation before. Mine didn't go so hot.

And hey, at least he isn't out fucking bar sluts.

But by all means, if he continues treating you like shit for no reason and you are actually worried that he's going to run off with his decade-old ex after a five year relationship, there really isn't a wrong move if you know what I'm saying.

There's like a 25% chance I'm completely fucking wrong and that he should be sterilized.

>>17436885
My guess is that he doesn't want to miss her, he is trying to convince himself that he doesn't miss her, but he does.
Doesn't change the fact he is an asshole about it tho. Because he isn't happy about he relationship he is just treating it, treating you, like shit. But he wants to keep the relationship because that's the right picture in his head, "being with someone who is not his ex".
After you break up he will probably realise how good you've been to him, maybe even thinks about you how he thinks about his ex now.
Don't go back to him then btw, it will start all over again.

>>17436907
She doesn't want him. He says he doesn't want her or miss her. He ignored her while they were together. He treats me better than her. So why won't he admit this? He has admitted some small crush in our past that is worse in a sense. But he and the ex aren't communicating, haven't for five years. She means nothing to him so why won't he admit she kind of missed her five years ago? What if he is telling the truth and i am just believing the internet? He says that he was just a shithead, it had nothing to do with the ex.

>>17436912
We already broke over this once, he was doing everything he could to get me back. Not shit like "you've been on my mind" like he sent to the ex, I got flowers and letters telling how I am the love of his life and he wants to erase his mistakes.

What if he really just didn't miss or want her? Am I stupid for believing internet over him? He says he knows he can admit it and that I would support him.

>>17436652

Do you masturbate? Do you think about people other than your bf when you do? Do you think you should feel guilty about it? Do you masturbate to porn?

Your bf misses sticking his dick in his ex and some part of him would like to do it again, of course that doesn't mean he will. Maybe he just jerks it to pics of his ex once in a while. If you can't handle that, you can't handle being with a man. You need to get over it. Also, ditto with his coworkers. If he has hot coworkers I bet he has fantasized about them at least once while jerking off. It's totally normal, every man does, and there's nothing you can do about it.

>>17436926
But he didn't do that either. That I can understand and would be totally okay. He said when he looked at pics, he didn't even remember doing it, he felt nothing. He did it out of boredom, so he says. There are other things too. He had a tranny obsession and he looked up them online and sent them messages, wanting to meet but never did. While we were broken up he met with one and realized he doesn"t want transwomen.

>>17436928
I just skimmed through the thread and it seems I've missed something... he made an ultimatum to you?

Btw, I would say that if you distrust your bf to the point where you need to snoop in his shit, the relationship is done. I watch all kinds of crazy porn (piss, feet, triple penetration) and I'd be mildly embarrassed to show it to my gf. She never snoops in my shit, ever.
Also, I have a few vids buried deep in my HD of sex with ex gfs. I watch them once in a blue moon. If my current gf were to find them, who knows, it might be a total shitshow, but she has nothing to worry about because I don't miss those girls. If anything, I feel like the vids are trophies that I can never show anyone.

Point is, she doesn't snoop because she trusts me. Life is so much easier when you don't have to snoop. If you snoop and find shit like your bf possibly making plans to meet ppl behind your back, that doesn't sound like a monogamous relationship to me.

>>17436933
I didn't snoop. It's his problem and fault if he is unfaithful.

>>17436936
that's kind of what I'm saying. Sounds like you two don't want the same thing. Sounds like he doesn't want to be limited to just fucking you. Sounds like he can't be honest with you. You should gtfo that relationship.

>>17436941
But if every guy looks at their ex and masturbates then why should I leave?

>>17436943
because he's meeting up with trannies when you're technically "broken up" but still messaging them when you're together.

Also, he messaged his ex, which is on a whole other level beyond jerking it to her pic

>>17436951
No you got it wrong but i am too tired to explain. I bet I am just going to stay with him since i can't get anyone better, or anyone who would treat me well.

>>17436957
that's the worst reason to stay with someone

why do you need to be with someone? Sometimes you have to work a shitty job while you work on getting a better one, because you need money to survive.

A relationship is not a job, you don't need one to survive.

I'm very happy single. So there's no way I'd ever stay in a shit relationship for the sake of having a gf. Why can't you be single?

>>17436962
I could but I love this guy. I already went back to him once. I want him to be honest to me. I am willing to leave it all behind if he is honest but he keeps saying he didn't want her ex, didn't miss her, didn't masturbate to her. I even talked to his therapist and he said that he is telling the truth. But everyone on the internet says that he did miss her so he isn't being honest. I'm so fucking confused.

tbf, he might not want his ex back, he could just be curious as to how she is getting on with her life and such. i sometimes go on ex girlfriends facebook profiles because i am interested in what they are doing with themselves.

>>17436964
well then there's your problem right there. You don't trust him. I'm not saying you're right. Maybe you're not. Maybe you're the crazy one. Idk. Sounds like you need to sort your shit out. It's easier to do that single.

Why do you need to be with him so badly, and how old are you?

>>17436965
He didn't go to her facebook, he looked up pics from google. He doesn't care how she is doing and he knows she is with someone else, been for seven years.

>>17436966
23 and I just feel like he is my family, he is someone so important to me but i am going crazy not knowing what is the truth. Should i trust him when he says he didn't miss her? I guess so.

>>17436972
ok so are you saying you don't believe him that he doesn't miss her because he googled her? I mean, come on. Googling someone from your past doesn't mean you miss them. Maybe you're just bored and curious as to what they're up to.

>>17436976
He did it a couple of times a week, google image search, then looked at her pics and did the same with two coworkers. He says it was bad for him since it made him anxious. He went on medication after that.

>>17436984
none of this makes any sense. Why do you need to be with this guy? This all sounds so laughably absurd. I know I'm a random fag on the internet and this means nothing to you, but you should dump him and move on with your life. I guarantee you that if you do you will look back and wonder what the fuck you were thinking staying in such a stupid relationship.

>>17437006
I know, but it's all great other wise. I know he is trouble but I am the type of helper person. That is the reason I am so hurt that he would still think he would have to lie to me after everything. I appreciate your help but it's so easy to say on the internet to dump him. For example, my family and friends and his family and friends really want us to keep on trying.

>>17437015
yeah, I know, you're gonna stick around, and you'll break up later, maybe 3 years from now, and you'll look back and think "wtf was I thinking", it happens to all of us. Good luck.

About two hours ago you said you wanted to break up.
Now you try to find reasons why you shouldn't.

> I wanna help him
The help you give him won't help him. We know that much.

> friends and family
You're kidding, right? What do YOU want?

I know it's scary and I won't guarantee it will be better immediately after you break up, but you shouldn't live in pain and not try to do anything about it because it could get worse.
That isn't what life is about.

>>17437065
We already broke up once and it was just worse. The relationship is good but this is our only problem. It's really hard to know who to listen, strangers on the internet or people I know. All I want from him is honesty. And I will break up with him if I don't get that.

>>17437069
He may have actually let himself believe that he doesn't like his ex anymore.
Probably just lying tho.

My ex has something a bit similar, still don't know if I believe it.

>>17437087
Couldn't it be true that he doesn't like her? They broke up eight years ago and during their relationship she cheated on him and he would ignore her since he just didn't give a shit. I knew him as a friend back then and he was so happy when he got out of the relationship.

I think he either has unresolved issues with her or he is checking up on how she is doing (pictures can give you enough of an idea, for example if they look healthy, got fat, etc..). I can admit that I do both things from time to time with various exes and I would never admit it to my gal, I would just try to come up with some excuse so that I wouldn't worry her.

Also, his therapist isn't supposed to be telling you anything about what he says to him/her, so he should totally get a new therapist because the one he has now fucking sucks at their job.

>>17437211
It was a couples therapy and one on one with the same dude. He only looked at older pics. I just feel worthless because of this mess.

>>17437095
Yea he doesn't like her ofcourse.
Doesn't mean he doesn't love her tho.

I'm trying to figure you out.
Don't be offended when I ask this.

Do you like being used?

>>17437337
He says he doesn't love her either, they were like 15 when they broke up, he had no idea what love is.

Yeah it's what I am used to. My dad left me and my mom is a shithead who beats me.

>>17437353
Well "love" was maybe a strong word, I've never really loved anyone in my life, I still had a relationship of 1.5 years, and I care about her.
A more appropriate word would have been "want", he wants her, and for most guys this is pretty serious.

It's really shitty that happened to you, I can't imagin what you have been through.

Tbh I really don't know what is better for you anymore, staying or leaving.

>>17437526
Well he didn't even want her. It's like he needed some reassurance from someone. Difficult words, english isn't my first language. I'm honestly not even sure if I could have a normal relationship with a guy but I am in a good place in my life right now. I have calmed down and bf is trying to explain it all even better. I believe him if he says he didn't want, like or love her. He did like the crush he had and wanted her too and we handled that well. He 100% knows he could admit it. It's just that most of the times when this kind of thing happens, it's about missing someone. But this guy has been in a hospital for his mental health issues, he was doing a lot of things that were considered self harm. I can't try to rationalize his behavior, his mom actually told that to me too. She said that it's clear he wants me and he told her mom when he was still with the ex how he didn't want to be with her and it didn't feel like love.
He calmed down now too and is being apologetic, he was just upset and feeling like his bad feelings didn't matter. It's difficult for him to support me 24/7 for over a year. He is doing everything for me to make me feel better.

Well, I am taking care of myself in a way that if he ever fucks up again, I am gone. And if he does and I meet someone new who texts their ex, I won't tolerate that for even a second. I am a bit crazy I guess.

Holy shit, he was honest to me. I was so mad that he came clean. He missed the ex the first two weeks he knew me, we weren't even official then. He missed actually just the relationship with her, it was easier and I am a difficult person.

And the pic thing. Hahaha he was just jerking off to the pics. Oh my god so stupid, I thought something so much worse. So glad he finally decided to be honest.

But are these bad things? I don't think they are.

>>17437758
I'm original longpost guy.

I'm glad yall pulled through.

Yall should go do something together today. Remind each other why you're together. Use this conflict as a bonding experience instead of a wound.

>>17437863
He is coming over to my place, we are going to eat blueberrypie lol :3

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>>17437882
Gave me the fuzzies.

Good luck to both you guys.