Marriage is crumbling and I am trapped

>>17433740

Since I moved here I have gained weight and battled with loneliness. I have no one else but my husband and my dog. I have no real friends even in school. The time difference here and my country is a lot and my friends have moved on with their lives and are busy. I genuinely dont have anyone to turn to outside of my husband and his family. My relationship with my own family is strained because it's really too complicated.


Most of the time I am just at home and don't have anything to do. I have no motivation to do anything else besides the house chores and I feel like I am about to go crazy from the loneliness and silence.

I love my husband very much. He is the best thing that ever happened to me and my world practically revolves around him and the dog. But beyond him I have nothing else.

Sometimes I think it would be nice if I meet an accident while I am driving to school and just die. It just might be better. I have no redeeming factors at this point. I have gained weight, I didnt finish college and I am burden to him.

Today I asked him to send money to my mom (under Finnish banking laws a foreigner like me can't use internet banking until I have 2 official Finnish IDs. A driver's license or Finnish residency permit doesn't count so I cant even use PayPal or Ebay with my own bank account). We linked my bank account to his so all he has to do was access online banking with his own account and take out money from my account then forward it to be sent to my mother. This has been happening for a few months now but today he looked at me and said:

>"You know in the first year we have been together you said that you won't send your mom money and that you wont get fat."

cont

>>17433740
>>17433743

So I said that it's fine then. He doesn't need to do it. I have said those but that was before my mother had liver and heart complications. She now has enlargement of the heart stage 3, high blood issues and a slew of other illnesses where she has to go to a specialist every month. She doesn't have much time left and she probably wont last 5 years more. My depression and loneliness in this country also led me to comfort eat and I'm currently taking birth control pills which also fucks up my hormones. I now weigh 66kg or 145lbs and I stand at 5"4 or 163cm. I gained weight when I moved to this country.

I feel so helpless and useless, adv. I don't know what to do anymore. I've been struggling to lose weight and my husband wont let me look for a job because he wants me to finish the language course first and it will end mid 2017 so I have to continue living like this. I can't help out my mom and I can't do anything for myself. I sometimes fantasize about committing suicide or just running away.

I have been the breadwinner for my family since I was a teen and have always been independent. I've worked odd but respectable jobs then opening up a small business before I met him. This is hard for me. I love him but I am also rotting in here with no real options and in loneliness.

What do I do, ADV?

>>17433745
Your husband's comment was a bit harsh.

>What do I do, ADV?
You stop whining and you take responsibility for your life.
Start a diet. Go to the shop every day and buy just the food you need. Count calories.
Run, swim, go to the gym.
Join a class or a hobby. Join a sport team. Stay outside of the house.
Maybe find people from your area, where I live expats hang out together.

>>17433745
LEARN THE FUCKING LANGUAGE.

I work for a small NGO in Switzerland and most of our employees are expats from all over the world. Even though most people in this country speak English and we're based in one of the country's biggest and most cosmopolitan cities (spectacularly international for a city of its size) most of our expats find it very hard to connect tot the locals. Most take German lessons because they realize that even though every Joe speaks English, they can only go so far without German.

That said, you might want to go to a gym. Finnish people are even better educated than the Swiss, so pretty much anyone should be able to speak English. You can easily connect with people there, it WILL make your body and mind function better and you might even lose some weight.

It worked for me (I'm a local but a massively autistic shut-in) and it has so far worked for anyone else who took it seriously and put some effort in.

>>17433740
Start an outdoor hobby, now is a good time for berries and mushrooms here in Finland. Go out during the day and start taking walks in the forests looking for these. Not only do you get fresh air and excessive you can make delicious food from for both you and your husband. Creating something tangible is generally considered very important to mental health and this way is very good way to feel good about yourself and bring back some of that self sufficiency you might lack. There are also studies on how walking in the forest helps to come with depression.

66kg isn't too bad so you can definitely work it out still, remember that it gets harder the more you let yourself go.

Most people do speak english so use that to communicate and connect in a town center nearest to you. I do recommend you put full effort into learning the language though.

>>17433762
Also, I might want to add an example: One of my co workers is an African American who is very shy and introverted but with a profound interest in learning the language. He first moved to Geneva and his French is virtually flawless. He's lived in Zurich for 2.5 years now and his German AND Swiss German. He also speaks Italian because his wife is Italian. Albeit being very shy and introverted, he feels at home here because he can connect to the locals. He pays minute attention to cultural and linguistic details and fits in very well. He might be a bit of an extreme example, but he could function, in my opinion, as a role model for any expatriate. Also, keep in mind that the Swiss are ridiculously racist and being a black man certainly is a big disadvantage when it comes to fitting in, yet he manages just fine, better than anyone else I have thus far witnessed.

>>17433770
*his German AND Swiss German are very impressive.

>>17433754

The shop is over 30km away from where I live. The nearest bus stop is 20km away

I have been in and out of depression and been thinking of suicide lately. My husband doesn't seem to be attracted anymore and has mentioned more than once that I was a "fraud" to him. We have been having sex less and he doesn't seem to be happy with me. We live in the middle of nowhere on a farm and the neighbors are mostly old people who don't speak English. My husband is also never in the mood to drive to the nearest town or city and would rather watch tv and use the internet. He's very much against me sending part of my allowance to my mom. It feels like nothing is working out and I have no motivation for anything. I'm also too scared to do anything new and there's no one to do it with or anybody who gives me support or encouragement. My husband refuses to do anything with me. Every idea I propose is always shot down because he doesn't want to do it with me.


>>17433762

I am learning the language and as I have said earlier I still have a year to go before this language course ends. The nearest town is 30km away and has a population of barely 20k. There are no gyms there the last time I checked, and the people there are mostly old ones who cant or barely speak English based on my experience. I wish I lived in a city because it would be so easy to find expats and make friends plus there would be more to see instead of grass and dirt and trees.


>>17433766

There are berries nearby and I've been thinking of going over there to pick them up. Never had the chance to because I have to drive 2 hours everyday back and forth to school then rush home to cook and clean then do my homework. I dont really have much of free time since I started this course.

I have been fantasizing of leaving him and renting a cheap apartment in the city where I take my language courses in but I don't know if €700 is enough to live on considering that rent is pretty high

I know a lot of asian women who married to white guys and I'm just amazed how can you pretend it's all real? You have been chosen to cook, do the laundry and stay petite. Of course you feel useless. Also, you can always work part time.

>>17433828
This. What a shit life. "Love". Kek, it's not love m8

>>17433740
Well, people here are harsh in general so nevermind the faggots. I do wonder how you end up on a mongolian pottery baking forum but oh well.

You sounds like you have a depression induced by boredom. Moving abroad, you always encounter loneliness, but for some people that just spurs them into exploring everything they can and sets their brain running in fast mode to assimilate everything. Some people retreat home and don't do much, get very bored with passive entertainment (everything where you don't really make an effort basically). Feeling lonely probably adds to the depression. of course you would miss your family and friends regardless but if you were engaging in your new life, you would miss them less.

I think you know that you need to bike, you need to learn the language better, you need to loose weight, etc. But you just don't have the energy for it. The thing is, start small. For example, okay, the nearest neighbour is a kilometer away and fins are rather set on themselves. You need to step up your game slowly. Make small, attainable goes. For example, decide you are going to start painting.
Get a bike / hiking shoes / bus and walk to the nearest shop. Try to have a little conversation. Look around if they have painting classes. Buy some stuff and go back home. Then paint. You'll feel instantly better for having been outside and achieved something. The main point is however not to paint, you can also decorate pots, go get gardening supplies, whatever, but get outside. The more you are embedded in the Finnish language and people, the easier it will get. Set small goals and try to get there. Wear a step-counter and get to a set number everyday, don't stay inside. Go running, etc. Tiny goals. Little things. Hey, maybe the first week all you need to set is go outside everyday with the dog, I don't know how far you're gone but I know that is how you haul your ass out of depression like that.

>>17433828

We've been together for over 2 years before we decided to get married. We spent several months (9 months or so) together backpacking around Asia and I've visited Finland twice before we got married. This wasn't one of those internet dating thing that people do with old white men and Asian women who had teen pregnancies or worked as bar girls. We had a more normal one compared to the stereotype.

>>17433745
Do you actually know for a fact that your mother has ANY of those conditions? Have you ever seen any incontravenable proof that she is ill? And I don't mean looking poorly on skype.

It sounds to me like you're being milked by your family for cash.

Mid 2017 isn't really that far away, it is 10 months. In the mean time, if you can't work, why don't you do some volunteering?

It sounds like the geographic isolation is causing you a lot of problems. You need to talk to your husband about this, your best option is to sell his current house and buy a new one somewhere with closer to a town or city. This has to be the best thing for both of you though.

You sound unhappy, but Finland has one of the highest suicide rates in the world, so honestly if I lived there I'd probably want to kill myself too.

Don't kill yourself though, it really isn't worth it, just exercise, eat well, don't drink alcohol or eat Finnish food. Talk to your husband and tell him that you're feeling depressed.

>>17433823
You said you were bored and mostly just sit around doing nothing but now you don't have time?

Besides going to the nearby forest is something you can do in very short amount of time anyhow.

>>17433832

I've been using this site for years and way before I met my husband. Thank you for the advice. I'll keep that in mind and I guess I should force myself to get out more often with the dog.


>>17433828

Thinking about it now, I have really fat Thai classmates who are married to much older men. They seem to be happier than me and they are always going shopping and their husbands spoil them rotten and dont make them feel shit about their appearances. I guess the older the men are, the better they treat women. I am kind of jealous of how happy they are and how they live in the city and gather together and roam around after classes while I have to drive straight home because I am only borrowing my husband's car and I have no friends to be with.

>>17433833
Fat or not OP, your husband needs to be supportive of you and try to help you in times of struggle. Living a life that makes you consider suicide or desire death at all is a clear signal something needs to change. This is really only something you can do. Men are often clueless to the needs of a woman and you need to take responsibility for these problems. Get active. Take up a hobby. Other people in this thread suggested swimming, bike riding, cooking. These are all great ideas which will keep you active and your mind busy. Talk to your husband. Tell him how youre feeling and the emotional struggles you are having. Hopefully he can understand how you're feeling and offer suggestions/support as well.

>>17433833
Are you sure he feels the same way about it?
Anyway, I think getting a job or doing some activity will help you with the language, so I'd try to find a way to do it
I have also lived in a foreign country (neighbouring Finland) and joined art related activities.

>>17433823
Try looking up exercise videos and exercising at home. Like the other anon said, start small, and that's the best you can do for now, when you can't easily get to a gym. Pick the berries and find recipes on the Internet. Learn to bike or drive a car- with a bike, you can reach the store in 2 hours. Often, it's the journey itself which matters the most. You have the time to spare anyway. The part on socializing is harder- although there's always the Internet. When you can cook, get on the bike and bring some of it to your neighbors- food is the universal language.

But I have to say, I also find it a bit harsh that your husband is so unwilling to actually get you supplies by driving that car. You live in the middle of nowhere, and I would think any human being must be able to understand what it's like to be slowly driven mad by boredom. I wouldn't go as far as to say he's deliverately isolating you, but I do think it might help for you to explain to him, how hard it is to stay chipper and petite, what with the multitude of factors you listed to us, I would personally end with "I'm not a fraud, but I feel like you're doing your best to make me one"

>>17433846

I do. She was a heavy smoker when I was a kid and refused to stop smoking even though I begged her several times. She stopped after she had a stroke. She's had about 3 strokes now. Even before I met my husband I had to always make sure she has medicine as she had been primarily reliant on medicine since as long as I can remember. Her condition just got worse because she has aged and still has a shitty lifestyle because she wont have it any other way. She's currently "god" obsessed and all that religious shit. I dont even talk to her that much because I don't want to talk to her unless it's absolutely necessary. I've never liked my mother... but she's my mother so I have no choice.

He can't sell the house because it's on the farm. The family business is a farm so it's impossible to move away from it. He needs to be around it 24/7 just in case there's something that needs to be done or fixed.

There's nothing here to volunteer for. I have no real options. I dont even have my own car. I just borrow my husband's car so I can drive myself to school everyday. Close to 2 hours worth of driving everyday. I wake up before 7am and I get home at 3pm. It's exhausting and I have to cook, clean and do my homework and sometimes some laundry.

I dont drink alcohol so at least there is that.

>>17433851

The forest is nearby and I go there occasionally but it isnt my cup of tea because there's a lot of insects and it's hard for me to walk on uneven surfaces due to a wonky knee issue. I can walk fast and jog a little but I cant run because of this stupid injury from my childhood.

>>17433833

>9 months or so) together backpacking around Asia

It's not realistic real life experience, you know. Some people fall out of love after they move in together and see how the other lives their every day life. It was a big vacation for him, but this is his reality and now yours. I know you want to prove how your relationship is special, but I just see the same pattern like with those asian women I know: white guy goes on buisness trip or vacation to asia, "fall in love", return with asian girl, marry, then reality hits asian girl. Start working part time as I said, be a babysitter or something. It's not impossible.

>>17433872
Really sounds like excuses now.

I would really question your commitment into fixing your own depression when you choose to be depressed instead of facing few insects.

Ask him to get you a good pair of rubber boots and walk slowly if you have a knee injury. Stay out of tough areas if that's what it takes. Getting the berries and shrooms isn't even the main point, but rather the outdoor activity itself.

Also this anon's idea is pretty good too. Biking is excellent hobby and can get you to places by yourself too.


Another thing why I suggest the berries is this.
We finns are bit emotionally cold and maybe bit overprotective. He might be bit afraid of losing you and hence prefers if you stay home. Just demanding to go out to the city might just make him even more cautious. When you can show him that if you get out (say get berries and stuff) it makes you happier and it makes him happier (immediately trough a nice pie or soup or something) and in long term by you being happy. This builds mutual trust in your relationship.

>>17433740
Really don't know what you can do because of the isolation. No way I could take that. My husband first thing got me a computer and a smart phone so I set up fb and I stay intouch with all my friends and family back home every hour of every day. I'm from Southeast Asia too but live in a small town only an hour by car to a city of 1 million but everything in town is within walking distance so I was able to open a shop and have plenty of people stop in. Your English is very good and believe you will master Finnish easily and hope your world changes.

>>17433859

I have told him but not in depth because I dont want to be a burden on him and I feel like I am starting to be one. It feels like he's just tolerating me at this point. He shows affection sometimes but I'm always the one who starts it. He never does it first and it is making me very insecure. I will try to be more active and do things without him. I have been struggling with it because the insecurity and the lack of motivation just pushes me back into a corner and I cant stop my self from sabotaging myself at this point. I would give anything to have someone to talk to in real life and do things with but there is no one here.


>>17433864

He told me that he loves me and he has cried a few times in the airport whenever he has to go back to Finland or when I have to go back home when we were still dating. So I'd say he didn't marry me because he needed a maid. He doesn't need to get married and he has already stated he'd rather not have kids because he doesn't really want any so that thing is out of the question. He wont let me have a job but I think he's open to letting me join activities or something related to learning the language. What did you do?


>>17433865

Hahaha. I didnt know how to cook or clean until I married my husband. Now I cook too often and just developed a habit of recreating recipes from the internet. That made me gain weight. LOL.
I don't know if I can muster up the courage to knock on neighbor's doors to give them food. I can't bike to begin with because I dont know how.

I can drive but that's pretty much it. To be honest, I know almost nothing about road rules. All I know is how to drive a car, watch for the stop light and the triangles and shit. I never had formal driving lessons and it was my husband who taught me how to drive because he hates waking up early in the morning to drive almost an hour to my course then pick me up again after a few hours.

I can only drive 2 routes: To school and the grocery

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>>17433740
>battled with loneliness while having a husband

wtf are you a younger version of my mom
t. Half Singaporean-Chinese and Half-Finn

My mom had the exact same shit when she first moved here, what she did was find the chinese community here and start her own company/business. She still can't speak any finnish or swedish at all, and mediocre english.

Do exercise. Do it for him, and for yourself. It will make you feel better, counteract the weight gain and you'll be happier with yourself and him.

You don't have to know the language to get a job at least here in southern Finland, pääkaupunki area, I know a lot of vietnamese for example that speak it horribly but still get jobs just fine. And as I said, my mom still doesn't know the language. You can start looking for jobs, just that it will be more difficult if you don't know finnish.

Save your marriage. I believe in you.
My mother could do it, so can you.

And also, you're not too fat yet. Just chubby. You'll lose it easily.

Also by the way, if you get children, please teach them finnish first. I still struggle with the language because I learned chinese and then swedish and english first, but no finnish until maybe age of 12.

>>17433894
I don't know how you can stand not being ALLOWED to have a job, while getting your Finnish courses done is important (otherwise you may just get stuck in some shitty job) being motivated and able to use what you learn is important too, not only for your learning but for your self esteem and will to keep going. Plus you'd probably meet more Finnish people instead of only foreigners.

I did glass fusing, it's not particularly useful and the vocabulary I learnt is obviously related to that, but man I LOVED going there every week and walking around the town on my way, having that time to do something I like separated from my responsibilities.

>>17433823
Get a bike. 20km is easy as fuck. An hour TOPS.

Get a trek 7.1 for under $300USD and if you're lazy get an electric powered kit for $150USD. Those things can get up to 30mph and will take you those 20km on a single charge. Probably have to get a bigger battery to come back though.

If it's too cold then you're fucked either way. No one leaves their houses in the winters anyways.

You KNEW you were going to be living on a farm in the middle of nowhere. Did you not think this through at all? if you're the type of person that enjoys the city life then how the fuck did you think finland was a good idea?

I personally love rural living. It's the best thing ever.

>>17433865

My husband is the type of person who wont go out unless he wants to. It's almost impossible to make him go out unless there is something in it for him like for example: I want to watch a certain movie. He agrees but only because he wants to catch Pokemon in that city or buy some special beer.


>>17433875

I dont have my own car, live in the middle of nowhere, nearest town is 30km away, have to cook and clean after school, drive 2 hours back and forth everyday, can't speak the language. I can't babysit if my free time is about 2 hours long and I have to spend some of it driving to and fro. There's no chance for me because of my daily schedule and my husband disagrees.

>>17433884

I don't like forests. They're creepy and it's hard to walk around in with my knee issue. That's it. I dont like it and it's hard for me.

I'll try to see if I can buy a bike or make him get me one. I don't own a bike here. Most I own is a bunch of clothes, a smartphone and makeup. All of which are close to useless for me.

I have become very pessimistic, I know. I have just been really frustrated and unhappy. I feel like I am in a room with no doors or windows.

>>17433890

Thank you. You are very lucky.


>>17433902

It is possible to be lonely while in a relationship. Sometimes it gets amplified.

>>17433909

There is no community of my people here. I am the only one here. The others are at least hours away in Helsinki. I'm glad to know someone was able to make it. But I am still forced to learn the language because my husband wont let me get a job even though there was one I could have taken. He said it's more important to finish the language course than take a job. He's financially stable so there's no money problems at least.

Thank you for your response to this post. It makes me feel better

>>17433852
you sound like a cunt to be honest.

go sell yourself for a rich older man that will give you more money.

>>17433926
>forests are creepy
>moves to Finland

Ye but really try it sometimes. Even 15 minutes a day in forest is shown to alleviate depression and stress a lot.

Borrow his rubber shoes or get your own, put on proper pants and just man up and go.

You don't even have to go to the deep forests to find some nice food quality mushrooms or berries. You can find those around fields or bushlands.

>>17433926
Then how come you two spent months backpacking?

OP is a bunch of excuses

>>17433922

Because he knows best and he's paying for everything and anything. I dont want to be a burden or make him unhappy with me. I will try to see if there are any good expat sites about Finland on the internet and if there are any activities I can take part of. A group activity with expats and Finns would be really nice.

>>17433924

I will keep those models in mind and talk to my husband about them. I rarely went out of my home when I was back in my country. I worked online and would only get out to send packages and meet up with friends every once in a while. I also suffered a nervous breakdown before I met my husband and mostly stayed indoors for 2 years. I had a shit life and most of it I spent being cautious and alone. I thought moving to Finland would be fine and I can start a new life here but it ended up like this.

>>17433928

It's not about the rich old farts and their money. The point was I am envious of how supportive their husbands are and how they didnt get prissy or care much about how their wives look like. They only cared about making their wives happy and are doing their best to be supportive and understanding but nevermind just keep on projecting then.


>>17433935

I once had to call my husband to pick me up because my dog and I saw a huge dark figure walking 100 meters away from us. Dog freaked out like crazy and we had to run to the main road. Pretty sure it was a bear.

>>17433936

backpacking is fun because you meet so many new people and everything is an adventure and everything changes everyday as you move to a different location. I love that shit compared to being stuck in the middle of nowhere and not being allowed to do things.


>>17433937

I'm in a difficult situation without a leg to stand on. I have nothing. If shit hits the fan I am not even capable of buying a one way ticket home because I cant afford it.

>>17433955
You are allowed to do things, you just don't.
What ever you want to keep telling yourself to keep you miserable though.

You should stop posting if the only thing you do is argue against the solutions.

>>17433955
yeah those old farts are fucking a dozen other prostitutes locally or when they travel. They also are "rich".

You're a child. You have no idea about ANYTHING. You have no respect or any idea the value of money.

>fat
>lazy
>jobless
>can't speak the language
>removes money from the economy
>blames their failures on everyone but themselves
You're the reason people hate foreigners. You're fucking scum.

Funny story, OP.
I moved to Asia because of my bf and I had all these problems too.
I gained weight, became depressed and homesick, I stayed unproductive. It's hard to adjust and understand people from different cultures.

What helped me was my partner supporting me through painful times and encourage me to do more.
I think the hardest part for me was parting from my family, I felt lonely.
But I can tell you have it a little harder due to being so far out of town.

It's okay to feel this way, but if it's unbearable you should consider going away, no point in staying if nothing makes you happy, listen to your heart (it's what my family always tells me).

If you'd like to talk in private we could do that too if you feel lonely. I know I needed someone when I had extreme homesickness.

>>17433965

I am not arguing against the solutions. I am stating why I have not done them in the first place.


>>17433966

Your reading comprehension is really non existent. Don't preach to me about the value of money, I have been working my ass off since I was 17 and sent my brother to college and supported my mom's medical bills and medication. I have sacrificed a lot things a selfish brat like you wont even dream of doing. I had to mature early because of how hard life was and did it all without resorting to ilegal shit so dont you dare lecture me when you have no idea of the things I have sacrificed and been through just to survive and support my family.


>>17433984

Bitch I am desperate to get a job but I am not allowed to and I can't do anything about it because my husband refuses to let me and I have no leg to stand on. I wake up before 7am and have to drive 2 hours back and forth to school just to learn the language, I have to cook, clean, take the dog out and fucking do my homework when I get home. As for money, my husband has paid in taxes more than the average person makes in his lifetime so don't give me that shit.

>>17434000

Thank you anon. I'm relieved to see someone over here who can somewhat relate to what ia m going through right now. I have a throwaway email if you are fine with it.

[email protected]

>>17434008
no problem, I too had hard times and you don't easily find people going through the same things. I'll message you

>>17434001

>I am not allowed to and I can't do anything about it because my husband refuses to let me

Either you live in the 10th century or your husband keeps you as a live in maid LOL this is not a normal relationship

>>17434019

He says we don't need the money. I have to learn the language before I get a job because getting a job now will put the language behind. He says there's a lot of foreigners who lived here for years but cant speak the language and he refuses to let that happen to me.

>>17434021

Two opinions have to meet halfway, he has to compromise just like you. There are other options to learn the language, maybe there are part time curses, private tutors, etc. But you keep pushing the idea that there are no other options. Talk with him is not an option either, I guess. Go and build a snowman.

>>17434001
>three posts of how you're lazy and doing nothing with your life
>now suddenly you're extremely busy and working incredibly hard nonstop
Fuck off back where you came from.

Maybe I'm a sucker but this thread is bullshit.

No nice people in here.

All people who, in OP's shoes, would be going through the same shit if not worse.

>>17434046
Kill yourself, white knight.

OP, finish this language course and go see a therapist who speaks English.

>>17434077
What's wrong with being kind to another person?

It sounds like you want to stay with him even though he says some pretty mean shit. So the best things you can do is eat better foods, drink more water, exercise before you go to school or after.

Get a bike. Or since you have internet you can look up work outs to do at home. Or you can help clean the farm. Ask your husband for a bike. Say you want it so you can lose weight faster. He'll get it for you.

Question, do you have a driver's license? You implied you don't, but youre taking his car to drive for 2 hrs a day? If you dont then study for a license. Otherwise you need to get some hobbies.

You also need to talk to your husband about the importance of you sending your money to your family. Since he's your husband why dont you know his banking acct info for online? You need to get it so you can transfer it yourself. Stop letting him bully you and stand up for yourself.