Help me

>>17430674
As I was spiraling into something of a depression from that ordeal, I was caught by a 5"2 gem stone thatll remain nameless. We worked at the same pita pit and I swear, I know this sounds cheesy but it was like love at first sight almost, like when I saw her, she was so tiny and pretty and everything. So id try my best to get put on her work teams and shifts, so I could talk to her.
We had a break at the same time this one time and I basically asked if I could go to her house with her and she agreed, ( we had talked and joked around on our shifts before this ) So there I met her isster and her dog, it was funny because her dog and I were both basically missing an eye.

After all that we worked together less and less but did resolve to go to the movies, she had a boyfriend, and in truth I wasn’t ready for another girlfriend.
So we are sitting in the theater, its just starting to darken, and I cant remember what I said but it was something teasing and she like, kicked me? I don’t know but it was weird to me and made me blush a little , she laughed at me, we watched the movie and left.

I was forgetting all about my last relationship them roe her and I talked. Well one night, I was upset over stuff, not like crying or nothing just like damn, and she messaged saying I should come to her friends house tonight, it was just them, her and her friend ( who is a girl that identifies as a boy I guess ) So I go, and they are watching Disney but im more watching her, she looked like a child sitting in front of that small television.
Its time for bed now, and her friend sets up all these cushions and blankets on the ground and I lay down, im not gonna be weird or nothing but I will say she was acting shy around me which isn’t her at ALL. Well suddenly I feel her getting closer to me and she ends up hugging me from behind, I turn around and put my arms around her, and we start kissing and basically we fell asleep on each other for the rest of the night.

>>17430674
After that we became an item, our first date was at her house playing wii.

Basically I lived with her, I stayed at her house every night, her mom loved me, her sister was okay with me, and her dad, well I don’t care he was just a chubby drunk that never left his room anyway.

None of her parents knew I was there for many nights though so id have to wake up really early to sneak out of her house, bypass her dogs, all that, and get to school ( she was odler and already graduated )
And after school, she would still be right where I left her waiting for me, considering I got out at 12.09 she was sometimes still asleep, and id watch her and , I know it sounds to much like a movie but id just lose my mind, I couldn’t understand how one person could be so perfect.
It was sunny when we started dating, we both left pita pit, I was now a manager at Boost Mobile, she didn’t have a job but that was ok because I spoiled her.
Really we would just lay in her room I the basement, watch tv, make love ( on average about 5 – 8 times a day ) joke around, her laugh was beautiful I wish you could have heard it.

And there were moments that were to perfect to even seem real,

There was a time where a lightning storm was going on outside, it was so cool to me I remember because it was random, no rain only lightning, and my house was empty so I had her come over , and I invited my friend I train with and his girl, and we all go outside, he and his girl go off into the dark ( I lvied across from a big field and it was night time ) But me and mine just sat there in the grass, looking at each other, the blue hue of the lightning would soak so easy into her perfect pale skin and finally e kissed, and I could see the streaks of lightning dancing across my eye lids, it was beautiful.

Her house now was horrifically dirty, it was really her families fault, but I mean it was like a foreclosed home for real, there was so much trash and dog shit all over the floor upstairs you literally could not see the carpet, and they were planning to leave her father behind, which they truly had to, and they had to clean, idk why their mother insisted, but ya, I spent my entire day from 10 am to 3 am the next morning cleaning the upstairs, it was gross and my body hurt from the constant bending over, she helped but there was glass in certain places and really I just asked her to stay back. Finally towards the end my body was tired and I was just wobbly, and she walked up behind me quietly and grabbed me around my waist , and slid down the wall, she basically put me in her lap and held me. She was just talking to me, I was to tired to remember, but I fell asleep in her little arms until she realized she couldn’t carry me to the bed, and we walked and went to bed in her room,.

So I helped them move and moved in with them, they were afraid of her dad going crazy and going after them, and I was prepared to end him if he got close to them. I didn’t matter anymore to myself compared to how much she mattered to me, see I could have easily killed him hand to hand, but he would have shot me.

>>17430681
>>17430681

He never came
and I lived with them for a while

I fed her, bought her anything she needed which she didn’t ask for much but I did anyhow. She got a job, and the stress of lfie was weighing on her

But she was the only one, she truly touched my soul.
I guess I have to break my promise from the beginning

As a child, my father and step father abused me physically, I still have the facial scars above my eyes actually
And I was raped, but I don’t know who by

But her? She really got me past that talked with me about it, held me as I cried
And just like that .. everything was ok.

I was a little mean from time to time and I was kind of controlling with certain guys


I wish I could fit every beautiful moment her and I had, but e lasted to long to do that so ill cut to the problem.

She was so stressed, and I was too, I bought her an engagement ring. It was a rose quartz stone surrounded by a pure gold band with diamonds in it.

>>17430687

And I was going to propose to her when I got home from work, when I got there, ring in the pocket of my petty coat, she told me she didn’t think we could do this anymore, she was crying, I asked her to just think.. but… we ended.

It felt as if my world had cracked in two.. and ever since then ( this was 4 months ago ) Ive just been getting high with my stripper friend, fucking people, going to work, getting higher, and just sinking.
She has another guy now, ive talked to girls but they aren’t the same, and I have not even sexual interest in people anymore.

Yesterday in the bathroom of my work I sat there with a bottle of Clorox bleach , I started crying and started to drink it, It was in my mouth and started to burn , I couldn’t swallow, I spit it out, and punched the door till I bled.

I went back to that apartment once.. I was standing at her door, I heard her talking through it, but.. I couldn’t knock I just started shaking and crying and I had to leave… she doesn’t know im destroyed and obsessing like this.
I just can’t get her out of my head… I dream about her literally at least once every two nights

Don’t get it twisted im not like at risk of getting a gun and going over there I just… what the fuck do I do ??

>>17430688
Professional help? You need someone that knows how to gently guide you through this phase.
Remember, you are not your suffering.

>>17430720
I'm afraid to, when I was younger professional help diagnosed me with some things and well if I go back like this they might try to get me on medication again, I'm not a bad guy, and I'm not like insane.. I just don't want the medication.

I just wish I could get over it, I just cant seem to move past