Mother Problems

>>17407325
So explain that shit to her, not us. Your problem is a breakdown in communication. If you can't speak to her in person because she shuts down or interrupts you or whatever, then send her an email. Write her a note. Something in text so she can't interrupt your thoughts.

Express how you feel about your relationship. What hurts you, how she hurts you, how you don't like to be around when she treats you badly, etc. Then say how you want to fix things, but it's up to her to work with you.

That's it. All there is to it.

>>17407325
You're mad at your mom because she has a history of being bad towards you. This is normal, my mom was the same but I get over it sometimes. Your mom sounds worse than mine though. Do you know any good qualities in her?

>>17407351
>Competitive and focused (this hurt all her old relationships with friends apparently)

>Religious

>Has some skill in a couple areas (mostly because of first trait)

She's like a feminist Peggy Hill irl

>>17407332
I want to do this but it's hard. Her sister (my aunt) did the email thing a decade ago and Mom didn't even fully apologize and discounted everything she said.

She'll do the same and reflect everything if I email my OP statements. I think I'll just introduce them slowly, one at a time, in conversation.

>>17407325
She's beyond awkward too.

I remember after getting my first gf her and her friends were talking in the living room and she (excitedly) kept saying 'She looks like me! Doesn't she look like me!!

My first gf was incredibly man faced and didn't looking a thing like my mom, idk why she said that

This kind of thing always happens, my friends bring it up as a joke on occasion

>>17407371
Do you hate her? If you do then you should deal with her like you do with everyone you hate, then eventually move out and never talk to her again.

Don't react or try to provoke her. Shit talkers are just throwing words at you to get you mad. Let them have their opinions. Your best bet is to live alone or with someone else, I doubt you'll ever want to see her again considering your whole history with her is bad & you found nothing really "good" about her.

And that's not selfish, your mom sounds like an abusive jerk with a trashy boyfriend. And if she denies any of it when you're obviously upset by it, then she may just be a manipulative jerk too.

>>17407325
>>17407371
>She'll do the same and reflect everything if I email my OP statements. I think I'll just introduce them slowly, one at a time, in conversation.
Not that anon, but that's probably less disruptive than what I had typed out. However, if that doesn't work...

Let her know what she's doing that is bugging you, and you need time apart to deal with that, and you care about her but you can't be around her like this. Even if she's a heartless bitch she still probably loves you in her own way. Plus she can't change if she doesn't know what she's doing wrong (and most people don't), so be as clear as possible, just stating the facts and how you feel about them, and not getting into namecalling or anything.

Then minimise contact with her. If you live with her, move out; if you don't, just don't call or write. If she doesn't call/write often, it's up to you whether you want to reply when she does. If she blows up your phone all the time, just ignore or block her for a while.

Spend some time writing or talking with someone about the the things about your mom that piss you off or that you feel are wrong. Don't dwell on it though, just examine feelings as they come up. This will be easier to do without her in the picture. Maybe talk to a therapist, a trusted friend or two, or your minister/spiritual advisor (if you have one) to help you sort some of it out. Sometimes when people do shitty things, they're just being shitty; other times they made a shitty decision because all their options at the time were shitty. Most people do a mixture of the two. So maybe there's stuff you can forgive her for, given enough time and reflection. Maybe not, but you should try, for your own peace of mind.

Then a year from now or whenever you're ready, contact her. Maybe you and she will both have changed enough that she's easier to deal with. If so, great. If not, then drift away again.

Sorry this got so long.

>>17407325
Who cares once you're an adult (assuming you are not an underage) you will realize you parents are people too. They can do whatever they want with their lives.

>>17407389
>Do you hate her?
Feels like im getting there

I live with my dad, and have dinner with her once a week. She wants me to stay more, but it's too much.
She even tried to tell my sister my dad was sueing her when he wanted to arrange child support. She even contacted my friends to see f I could move in with them (without even telling me) so she wouldn't have to pay dad. Shes a teacher and makes bang money too

>>17407392
>Then minimise contact with her. If you live with her, move out; if you don't, just don't call or write. If she doesn't call/write often, it's up to you whether you want to reply when she does
already at this point senpai

>Maybe talk to a therapist, a trusted friend or two, or your minister/spiritual advisor
This sounds good, absolutely will not dwell on it, I want a to have a good, honest relationship

>>17407393
Im 21 and have realized this for a while. Parents can only love you as much as they love themselves, which means mom probably doesnt

>Who cares once you're an adult
I want to have a good family life Anon like some of my extended family. I don't want all these broken relationships in my life, doesnt feel good after all these years.

Yeah I went through a teenage period of being really pissed off with my parents. Eventually I cut ties because I felt they were adding nothing good to my life. Later on in my mid 20's I started to see them again and we formed a mature friendship based on an adult dynamic rather than the teenage interactions based on anger and frustration and unmet expectations from both sites. I had to let go of all the shit and realise that they were not god-like beings possessing of every good and worthwhile trait imaginable just choosing not to use them. They were just adults like I was and they were flawed and capable of mistakes and they were just trying to do what they felt was the right thing and they were stressed out and conflicted.

The harsh reality is that your mother owes you nothing. You have both more and less than some. Her behaviour is based upon her experiences and expectations and not necessarily her choices and you've no real or fair ability to control or dictate her reactions to situations. Therefore you just kind of have to let her be. What you can control and influence is your own reaction to this and how you choose to interact with her.

I kind of had to take some time to get some space and perspective before coming back around. It gets better if you can drop the bullshit expectations. One expectation is that she shouldn't act with expectations which might never go away.

I now have a relationship with my parents which is something I would never have imagined in the past and we have lots in common and they are not awful people. They aren't great, they are selfish and irritating with strange values, but hey people are people huh?

You don't have to love people just because they're family tbqh. I had a shit childhood, and my relationship with my mom is neutral. I hate her for so many reasons but I don't lash out at her. I just stay away as far possible.

I hate my mother too, she seems pretty similar to yours in that she's a narcissist.

Mothers are supposed to be relatively nurturing and aware of your existence as a whole. They should be aware of the impact their actions will have on their kids. There's a big difference between being around someone and being genuinely engaged in a person, which is something your mother probably doesn't get. Odds are she may not be intelligent enough to do so, to be brutally honest. Hate to say it but being a decent parent takes a fair amount of brain power, which is something a lot of people just can't handle.

>>17407424
>I want to have a good family life Anon like some of my extended family. I don't want all these broken relationships in my life, doesnt feel good after all these years.

Sometimes you just can't have a good relationship with someone all the time. Sometimes you have to let them crash and burn and just pick up the pieces with them.

>>17407427
Also if you were wondering why I didn't get along with them.

My father is a hyper critical, borderline genius with severe social anxiety and most likely bipolar or manic depression. He made a ton of money and retired at 40 in order to live out his 'vision' of a perfect life which basically means staying in bed around half of the time complaining bitterly about the world being full of assholes and pricks and people who try and fuck you and mess you around and the other half working on grandiose projects and inventions from sunrise until the early hours fuelled typically by alcohol and cigarettes.

He is 59 and has a super ripped body. He builds strange metal structures and invents things and climbs his home made watch tower and does chin ups and pull ups. He flexes from it and does muscle poses at the neighbourhood and occasional tosses burning tyres around. He is constantly at war with his neighbours and usually legal drama puts him back in bed complaining about the world.

He thinks he doesn't need anyone, but is very lonely and apologetic, falling over himself to try and apologise for being difficult to deal with. He is REALLY stressful to be stuck around because he is pretty institutionalised by his routine and attempting to manage his mood swings. He is frequently blowing his top and attacking people or wreaking things in weird revenge attacks against people who made off hand or misunderstood comments sometimes a year ago or so.

Easy way to hang with him now is to say you need his advice on something and just watch it unfold. As a teenager he thought I was basically completely worthless (I kind of was) and was self absorbed to the point of being impossible to approach without feeling like you were intruding. He was also potentially violent, flipping tables, crashing cars, flying into rages and wreaking things, starting huge fires and acting like a man possessed.

>>17407427
I agrere with all of this, I am moved out of town and am able to think clearly now that everyone is gone from my life. I have room to grow into an adult emotionally.

Reactions are very important yes, I know I can't change her but can show her the effects of her ways with my reactions if I have a clear, no-expectation mindset?

>>17407432
I'm too passive to lash out effectively, I don't want to be at a point where I just stay away. Strains my sister (have an excellent relationship with her)

>>17407433
Fuck I learned most of this in the past few months, especially
>There's a big difference between being around someone and being genuinely engaged in a person

Also
which is something your mother probably doesn't get
She really doesn't.

>Hate to say it but being a decent parent takes a fair amount of brain power, which is something a lot of people just can't handle.
I feel like this is me . I'm just realizing how much memory and mental energy it takes to have ongoing genuine interest. I've practiced good relationships with some coworkers at my new job and it worked, but I never knew about this before.

>>17407458
My mother on the other hand is this wishy washy hedonist. They had an open relationship and she lived nearby in her own place with their girlfriend. She basically just complained constantly and used her body for attention and was a terrible cook and provider so most of my interactions involved her trying and failing to maintain a normal situation and my father flying into a rage because she couldn't hold it together for a simple fucking meal. I can't blame her, the whole thing was an act, he didn't want a simple meal, he wanted to be disassembling ammunition or building something, he couldn't sit still.

It got weird.

>>17407458
LOL your dad sounds like a literal baboon man, climbing structures he makes. Smart people are very in tune with their primal feelings sometimes.

>>17407475
>the_plot_thickens.jpeg

Sound like very colourful people, idk what to say or how to give advice to deal with that mayhem, but you seem alright Anon, really.