Dating a depressed/emotionally compromised person

Best thing I can tell you is that if you break down, she will too. You're gonna have to test yourself to the limits because that's what she's doing to herself, stay a guardian angel so to speak, if you guys can handle it and come out from the ordeal, you'll be stronger than you've ever been, but sticking in there is hard, truly my man, consider this a test, try to do well by her and keep your composure, if you break, she will to. I promise.

>>17396134
Alternatively you can leave and figure yourself out and give your other priorities time. But at that point, you have to wonder how much she means to you.

Does she physically hurt you or is she acting aggressive against you? Because it has gone too far If she attacks you. Why isnt she going to therapy frequently?

>>17396134
The guardian angel thing isn't hard for me because I have a bit of a messiah complex, I enjoy being there for people cus it fills something in me, the problem is when she starts to attack me, saying shit like I only want her for her body or am only being nice to her out of pity. It gets directly to my pride and ego which in turn angers me, anger is a bit of an issue I have but I don't want to blow up at her and do even more damage yknow?

Anons, I'm on the other side here. I'm the bag of crazy. And if I'm with someone I try my best not to let it affect others, because it's not fair. But sometimes this stuff is really hard to deal with, and we don't know what to do with it. Sometimes it has outbursts, and sometimes you trigger some obsessive thinking, and sometimes you just feel low.

But I guarantee you 100% they're doing their best not to let it get in the way. Nobody feeling like this does. Find a reason to keep loving them. Take them somewhere nice, ask them not to talk, and just cuddle for a while.

Remember why you love this person. Even if they can't say it or show it well, they're fighting a battle inside to show you they love you.

>>17396145
Leaving isn't really an option in which I'd be happy
>>17396147
It's more like accusations and slander, she always resorts to ad hominem in arguments and shit like that I hope it never comes to her hitting me because I'm not sure I could keep my anger in check in that situation

>>17396183
This helped a bit,thanks and hope you get better too

>>17396112
First don't tolerate personal attacks on you, regardless of whether she had trauma in the past/is getting therapy she can still act like a decent human being towards you. You have to push/insist that she gets regular therapy, otherwise she is going to repeat this same shit until you can't tolerate it.

So just in general, be strong/supportive but don't take her bullshit. Be clear to her about your boundaries, if she is having one of her fits and crosses the line call her out on it and just walk away if she continues. I don't mean break up or anything, but don't engage her if she is personally attacking you.

>>17396147
>>17396195
The therapy is infrequent because of money issues, I have to pay for community college and my own therapy so I can't supplement her, she lives with her family and her job doesn't pay enough either she also says she doesn't think therapy helps her that much and she might want to quit

>>17396193
Like I said it is difficult, and it will manifest. I don't know if I will ever be better, and I don't know what trauma your girlfriend has, but I do know the internal struggle all too well.

She's saying these horrible things because part of her is telling her these things; nobody wants her for anything good. She's just there to be used. A fucktoy. And she doesn't want to believe it.

So she turns anger towards you, but at the same time, looking for comfort. 'You're not those things', 'you're more than that', she wants to believe.

But it is not fair on you. And she knows it. She must get better at controlling these things. If it gets physical or truly abusive, you have to stop.

You are not her therapy. Do not forget that.

>>17396214
How does she expect that she will move forward with her life? Improve her obvious issues? Do you think she will? Are you ready to put up with this for years? Can her family help?

I don't know, I had a relationship a lot like yours in the past; I really loved her, but eventually I just could not up with her emotional issues.

>>17396228
Shit man this is spot on, I have to reassure her of these things all the time and I'm up to it but it's frustrating it seems like I'm saying those things to a wall instead of a person.
>>17396230
Idk man, she's just dumb sometimes I've tried having logical discussions about this with her but it's a no go
And nah he family is just another whole slew of issues

>>17396273
It's really common with trauma. You're getting these attacks because being in close proximity can be threatening. Effectively your opinion of her is enough to create another painful event, so part of her is defaulting to you already having done that.

It's irrational bias created by fear, the result of fear, and then ironically creating a self fulfilling prophecy that will feed that fear. You can't use words and rationality in this. You are fighting a distinctly irrational thought process.

Next time she gets nasty, just give her a hug. She will without a doubt, push you away like a stubborn child. But keep doing it. Don't walk away. Hug her.

It's hard to be angry and bitey at someone who is showing you pure affection. She'll likely calm back down after a while. And it may sound patronising but really you have to child them in these situations, because it's an irrational process just like a child would use.

>>17396295
Thanks for this thorough thought out explaination, I'm not sure if the hug thing
Will work but I guess it's worth a shot

>>17396273

it's hard to have a logical conversation with someone who is ruled by their emotions. What does she do for a living? Is she in school now- will she be at any point in the future? Universities provide access to mental health care that might help her out significantly. If she is a professional she might be able to access services through her employer, although I suspect she probably has a shitty job. Look into public programs and assistance.

If she doesn't get professional help, this is going to go on ad naseum.

>>17396305
Like I said she'll likely push you away to start with. Keep trying. Eventually, just like a kid, she'll cave and take the affection. The thing that'll stop her taking it in the first place is this irrational fear and anger she's created for herself.

But after you try, she'll realise that she wants the positive reinforcement.

Like I said I'm the same difficult bag of crazy. I think I control it better than your girlfriend, but sometimes I have to stop and apologise to people because it slipped out and they didn't deserve that. But when you feel like that, and your irrationality is making you believe you're worthless, all you want is something that makes you believe otherwise - that proves it is irrational. And you see words don't quite cut it, anyone can say anything they want, lies, manipulation etc. And again it's irrational. But when someone shows you affection like that, it's stronger than words - stronger than the words in her head saying these things too.

If it truly, after the break through attempts, does not work, then anon I'm sorry my advice wasted your time.

>>17396321
She's in cosmetology school she's passionate about hairdressing and art so

>>17396322
Nah I appreciate it I'll keep trying with the affection thing

>>17396333
Good man, remember you can't win this with logic. It's not a logical argument. You just gotta drown out the negative thoughts.

>>17396112
She'll never get better, only more "competent" if that is the right way of saying it. If you really love your girl, you should be proud of yourself to be someone who your girl trusts not to leave her for issues she can barely control.

Mental issues are.... Hard to cope with. It's like bending iron beams. It's like trying to not give in to addiction. It's like trying to ignore a person who is constantly whispering in your ear.

Hang in there.

>>17396195
This, she has to know there is a limit, otherwise you are teaching her to be a spoiled child.

>>17396364
The part of her doing this is irrational and may as well be a child. Keep that in mind OP. It may be the person you love spitting out the words, but it may as well be a pissed off 11 year old. I think that if you're gonna talk to her about it, it's best left until she's perfectly calm and ok.

She'll likely still do it again. But maybe it will bring you comfort knowing she didn't mean those things.

>>17396364
She is very petulant at times

>>17396387
Anytime I try to bring up issues of her behavior she just starts apologizing profusely and crying or getting upset

>>17396402
Yeah man she probably really hates how she acts. She probably realises how much it affects you when you bring it up, and you're not wrong for doing so, you have every right to talk to her about these things. I dunno how to get that under reigns, maybe see if you can go in together to see her therapist and have the therapist help to communicate these things.

hey man you should use the conditional reflect just do what she likes most when she is in a good mood and under control and when she turns crazy ignore her so she will et accustomed to be in a better mood

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>>17396112

>Guess what I'm asking is how do I hang in there till she gets better?

Getting better isn't a spontaneous reaction. You both have a lot of issues you need to deal with and at this moment both of you are two lead weights in the ocean clinging onto each other hoping that the other one will support you and stop you from going under.

>>17396193

>Leaving isn't really an option in which I'd be happy

You can't be this woman's savior. I understand why you feel like leaving would be a betrayal but if she can't survive on her own she has no business being in a relationship.

Your happiness isn't the issue, the issue is doing the right thing, long term, for both of you. We do things everyday that don't make us happy that we do simply because we must.

Your guardian angel complex is something you need to deal with and as long as you dig your feet into the mud and refuse to budge on your options you'll be stuck in this same cycle forever; constantly looking for women to save and driving yourself crazy in the process.

In short, you both need help, and in order to do that you can't be together, feeding off of each other's dysfunction and being miserable together.

>>17396409
I'm saving and planning for couples therapy
>>17396416
I'm not tryna manipulate anyone
>>17396426
I'm aware of all this but is it not possible for us to be together yet laterally grow and get better together?

>>17396434
Well, I'm not that anon, I'm the crazy one.

You can not save her from herself, you know. Comfort her when she's bad, and help her get through those rough patches, but if it gets too much you're going to have to distance yourself.

I think it's better if you find a way to help her through those times. But it may not always be possible.

>>17396442
My messiah complex aside the main reason I don't wanna give up is cus when it's good, it's honestly the best times of my life I don't know if I'll find that again

>>17396434
I think it is possible to grow together, but it will be very difficult. You have enabled her negative behaviors probably throughout your entire relationship. It's good that you are saving up for therapy, but you both need to buy in and do the work to have any chance.

>>17396449
Yeah, I'll bring it up to her and we'll discuss it, if she isn't willing to go through it for the sake of our relationship then I'll jump ship

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>>17396434

>I'm aware of all this but is it not possible for us to be together yet laterally grow and get better together?

It is possible, yes, but far less likely.

You two are identical to recovering heroin addicts. When you're together the highs are sky high and the lows are rock bottom and you both just keep shooting in between both, never quite happy enough to get better but never quite sad enough to call it quits.

You're both tangled in each other's disorders. She reacts off of you, you react off of her and the cycle is endless. She is the person in your life that can make you the happiest but simultaneously she is also the one that can hurt you the deepest.

You think, hey, maybe with enough therapy it'll get better. Maybe if I just talk to her differently. Maybe if I just wait it out it'll fix itself because if I leave her the guilt of knowing she's alone would be more than I could bear.

Both of you leech off of each other and feed into each other's disorders but you stay together at the end of the day because you're both broken and you feel like there's no better chance at happiness anywhere else.

Sound familiar?

I used to be you. Moving on past my codependent girlfriend was the hardest and best thing I ever did. She never got better but I did. She's in prison for credit card fraud now and if I would've stayed with her I'd be in prison too. I was so caught up I would've done anything for her.

You need to leave, man. Its the only chance she has. She'll never learn to walk if you're her crutch forever.

>>17396474
Damn man